This sad story started for me about 6 years ago. Shortly after my step-daughter left for college, my then H started pulling away and eventually dropped the bomb and moved out. After that, I came here and tried my best to DB. Sometime after my H moved out, he started coming around again however he couldn’t really make up his mind if he was coming or going. I always believed that he loved me but eventually got frustrated waiting for him to recommit to the marriage so I pushed for a D. My H, who is an attorney, filed the papers with a stipulated judgement so we didn’t have to do anything other than wait the 6 months...however, he kept telling me we could stop it if we want to. He apparently didn’t stop it so the divorce went through even though we stayed together. We still kept 2 places but most nights we were together. So, we have been divorced now for 1 ½ years. At first after the D, he seemed to really try to reconnect with me, he was very loving and sweet…but still most everything had to be on his terms. He said he still needed his space at times and he wanted to do what he wanted to do without question. I have done a lot help him out over the years but he never really reciprocated much and it appears he never really appreciated much. He could be very generous in a few ways but extremely selfish in all others. If I ever expressed my displeasure about something, he would latch on to it and use it against me when it was convienient. He would ignore me on the rare occasion when I would discuss my feeling about the relationship and wanting more of a committment. Recently, I sensed him pulling away again. I tried to let him know as nicely as possible that I wasn’t feeling happy with the way things were between us and that only seemed to make things worse. He told me I was needy and difficult. One night a few weeks ago when he was at his place and I was at mine, I let him know I was feeling depressed (mostly because my son recently left for the military and now I am an empty-nester). He replied that sometimes life is boring. The next morning, I thought he might call to check on me but he didn’t so I called him. He acted annoyed that I called him and during the conversation I got so hurt, I lost it and told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted him in my life anymore then I said goodbye and hung up. We have had very limited contact since and only initiated by me. When we have talked, the conversations have not gone very well…I’ve felt like we were back to where we were when he left me all those years ago. He has said some mean and hurtful things to me, even said he sees the bad things about me.
It has been a few weeks now since he “left me” for the second time. I’m still trying to process all of my feelings…relief, anger, hurt, stupidity etc. I am so confused…I was the one who wasn’t happy…he had everything his way and I went along with it. He couldn’t even be here for me when I was sad or hurting. Most of the time now, I don’t really even miss him that much and I am ready to move on…but for some reason, it still hurts. I just keep telling myself I deserve so much better and I do deserve so much better. I am not saying I am perfect and I certainly haven’t handled everthing perfectly but this time around, I know where most of the blame lies. I tried my hardest to make him happy but it would never be good enough because he isn’t happy with himself. I know I wouldn’t have been able to go on like this forever so this is the inevitable. I had been feeling very lonely even when I was with him…it wasn’t a real partnership. This man is now so emotionally defective, he isn’t capable of emotional intimacy…however, I must still love him somehow because it hurts so much to think he doesn’t or just can’t let himself care about me.
I can no longer DB. I had thought that things would eventually change for the better and he would become more like his old self…not the case. I tried so hard and I can not give this man anymore of myself because what I gave him was never good enough. I can not take him back again because he will only continue to hurt me. I need to move on and not look back.
I'm so sorry you're feeling all this pain. You've tried for so long, and so hard.
Sometimes the hardest thing to accept, is that we've learned that we can't accept any less than what we really need from a relationship. It sounds like that is where you are right now.
Whatever you decide, know that there are many that have been in your place...or are there right now...and we've all felt the loneliness and agony of feeling we must make a decision for ourselves, even if it's not what we had been hoping for. Only you know what is right for you.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Agreed. Sorry to hear about it. But I think, like Creed mentioned, you are in a much stronger and better place. No more limbo. No more uneven trying.
It gets better from here on...Believe that!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Upside, I am sorry to hear all of these changes. Now...stop initiating contact with him. This is for you, not for him. Prepare to truly forge out on your own.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Thank you everyone for you comments and support. Although I don't Come here often anymore, this board has brought me much comfort over the years I have been dealing with my situation.
I've actually been doing fairly well considering all. I'm still on a little bit of rollercoaster but it is nothing like what I was going through 5 years ago. I hate coming home to an empty house all the time but there has been something missing for a long time regardless of my xh being there.
My xh and I have exchanged a few emails recently. Any comments that I made on an emotional level, he just ignores with the exception of a comment that I made about us possible being friends someday. He replied that we will be friends no matter what happens between us. Really??? He keeps everything all business but thinks we can be friends. Not interested right now.
So, my xh was supposed to come by last weekend to get his things that he had at my house but he texted me and told me he "forgot" so he is supposed to be doing this weekend...we'll see if he shows. How does someone forget something like that? I am out of town until tomorrow so hopefully he will get everything before I return.
I happened to find some old emails today from a couple of years ago...and the illustrate perfectly that nothing has changed....
From my xh... Hey I left my phone at home today…..I saw your message and am glad you are doing ok……I miss you.
My reply... I'm not really sure how to reply to you. If you want to know if I miss you too, sometimes I do but I have accepted that you don't want what I want and that we are moving forward with the divorce. I do sincerely hope that you find the happiness and peace that has been eluding you for so long. For the most part, I am happy now (with the exception of dealing with sometimes-cranky teenagers). I would still like to find companionship but figure that will happen when the time is right.
From my xh... So what is it that you want? I think we all want companionship
From me... What do I want? I want someone like the man I married who looked forward to spending time with me, wanted to take care of me, appreciated the things I did for him and who loved me despite my imperfections. I want a man that is committed to me, not someone who is there just when he feels like it. I want someone who is willing to discuss whatever is bothering him and not bury it inside or run away because he doesn't want to deal with it.
My xh's reply... Most of that is still me---its being a true equal partner though---- with mutual issues and similar dreams and aspirations---I still love you-- think you are amazing and am moving forward because that is what you want---by the way I told some people I was still interested in my old job--Xxxx is probably out in the month
Re-reading these emails just confirmed for me that nothing changed. He is still stuck after all these years. I believe he still loves me someway, somehow but it wasn't enough then and it isn't enough now.
I did read this when you first posted and really had no words that I could think of to say.
I have learned a lot about low energy MLC'ers in the past few years and I must admit that they follow a different script than what Conway and followers write about.
It seems that their replay activities are very short but that even though it appears to end they never leave the escape and avoid mode.
They are stuck at a younger age of development and this might be why it takes them so long to grow up.
You are doing the right thing with moving on in your life for YOU. As that is all we can ever DO. If they ever decide to really grow up and become adults again then it will be their problem about trying to catch up with us.
MLC takes TIME - way too much TIME.
Thanks for the Update and know that I have thought about how you were doing. Sorry it is the way it is working out but YOU are going to be FINE, and I hope you find all that you are looking for.
They are stuck at a younger age of development and this might be why it takes them so long to grow up
Some never do grow up and keep making the same decisions until... they change... And even for those that do, there is a huge time and learning gap where they "left". I notice it with my ex many times in the brief exchanges of email regarding the kids. It's as if she thinks of the kids as being 10 and 12. Where she left them. It's as if she isn't sure what world she is in. It's as if she has a harder time remembering the perspective that led her to leave like her a** was on fire and her head was catching That's how it must need to be.
We aren't in the same place as when they left but sometimes they seem to think we are. Like the broom they left in the closet when they ran away and left home. I moved the broom to a better place
It's why we always say that if they are to reconnect, it is so much harder if there is another person on the scene. Causes a difficult dynamic. The boards are riddled with people who left and then tried years later only to find that world was long gone and so was the person they left behind.
The lesson to me is that in my future relatioships and in my life, to always enjoy each day as the gift it is. With or without my family unit intact, each day truly is a gift as are the things I've learned and re-learned (I knew much of it before but it never hurts too much to have a reminder, right?)
Upside, glad to hear you are doing well and still moving forward. Stay well!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I find myself wondering why they regress in the first place. The X in his 20s was more mature than X in his 40s. I think X in his 20s would have been pretty disgusted by the person he is now.
I have blamed myself to a point; the R was codependent and I allowed him to lean on me too much.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I agree in that assessment of X in her 20's would absolutely hate the X she is now. I think she does actually, but that's another story for another time...
Blame? Not sure I'm with you on that one. I did what I did with the information and understanding I had.
When it is all said and done, I walked away with me. With my integrity. With my sanity. Most of my sanity at any rate.
To really love somebody, we have to let them make their choices, their way. We don't have to like it, but we do need to let them even if it absolutely the opposite of what they used to be and say they believed. It's part of it in my mind.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hello Everyone- I thought I would resurrect this old thread and give a little updadte since my xh seems to be peeking out of the tunnel again. Coming here reminds me of all I have been through with him and hopefully it will give me some perspective. I really should shut that door of my life and lock it but I sometimes I can't help but question myself. Could he change? Could he truly realize that I wasn't the problem? Does it matter because how could I trust him?
My xh has been doing touch and goes for months now. In fact, several months ago, he told me he was sorry and he realized that he blamed me for many things that weren't my fault. So last week he asked if I would meet him for dinner. I'm not exactly sure why I agreed to meet him but I did. When we met he apologized again for what happened between us. He implied (but never came out and directly said) that he would like to work something out between us. A few days later he texted me "It was nice seeing you. I miss talking with you but understand that you might not feel like talking with me." I replied "At times I miss talking to you. I appreciate your apology for how things turned out and it makes me wonder if we could re-establish some kind of friendship. It isn't impossible but it might not be easy." He replied "I really do miss a lot about us".
I have to remind myself that this doesn't mean much. Before our last go around, this would have been enough to convince me that he was finally coming through this and we could start rebuilding our life together. I can't think that way now since my xh has left me twice. How could I ever trust him again? Just to get my xh out of my head after this last go around, I spent months repeating to myself "You deserve better". It became my mantra. In the last 14 month, I have "found" myself again and I'm learning to be happy on my own. Being single really it's all bad. I'd prefer to find committed companionship but either way, I will be happy.
When we met for dinner the other night, I let my xh know that I would have difficulty trusting him and that it seems that he just pops up periodically to stick his toe in to test the water. His reply was "Rome wasn't built in a day"! In any case, he will have to continue to build Rome himself and it looks like that is going to take a long time.
So, the question is would I be better off shutting the door again and keeping it locked?
Upside, What do you want? Do you want to reconnect and eventually reconcile? It takes a very long time for them to finally land back on earth and reality. You can continue living your life and leave the door ajar if you are interested in reconciling. However, if you are completely done, you can close the door and continue moving forward and still treat him as a long lost cousin. It's your call.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Since all you seem to get is the peeking out of the tunnel and it sounds like you want more than that.
I would tell him what you think. What more could he do to you?
You are already divorced.
As far as trusting him, I think that no matter who you are with you will have those issues. He would need to prove it to you. I think that you cant trust them unless they prove otherwise and one of my friends who's husband had an MLC and she has been reconciled for 5 years, she still does not trust her husband. I dont think she ever will completely trust her husband and he is totally recovered from MLC and their marriage is great.
I think you should do what YOU want, which from the sound of things is what you have been doing.
Hello Snodderly, Thank you for the reply. I hope you are well. I thought I knew what I wanted and that I was completely done. I don't know why at this moment I am feeling less resolute and even considering that there might be even a slight chance of reconciliation. It has been 7 years of this craziness and still, at the moment, I can't say with 100% certainty that I am done. Maybe I'm crazy too! Haha!
Hi Cadet- We do have to continue the tradition! How are you? Anything new with you?
Originally Posted By: Cadet
As far as trusting him, I think that no matter who you are with you will have those issues. He would need to prove it to you.
So true. I'm not sure I will ever completely trust anyone and I probably haven't for awhile now. The good thing is that I have changed and become more independent and what others do doesn't effect me like it used to. The bad thing is I don't think I can let myself care as deeply as once did.
Yes, I am doing what I want to do and I am happier which makes it harder to consider the possibility of reconciling.
He just asked me out to dinner for tonight and I turned him down (I have plans) but suggested a day next week. After that, I'll be on a 2 week vacation which will give me time to think.
Upside, Trusting again takes a lot of time because it's like learning to walk. If you do consider reconciling, your xh will need to prove to you that you can trust him again. He has to be the one to jump through hoops to win you back. I think that what is happening is that he's touching base w/you again and it's creating a bit of confusion in your head and most importantly your heart. If you aren't sure what you want to do, sit on it for a while, take your vacation and then see how you feel.
The first step is to become friends again and that would involve dating. I'm sure at some point, you'll go out to dinner w/him and then go from there. I would date him for a while and see what happens. However, I wouldn't allow him back into my life on a full time basis until you are absolutely sure that he is the man that you want to be. Trusting will come if he proves himself to you.
You do not need to make a decision today. As they say "all roads lead to Rome". Take this new revelation slowly, listen to what he says, but mostly importantly his actions should tell you what is truly on his mind. If the words and actions don't align, then he's not ready to return to you as a mature man.
Enjoy your vacation and take this time to truly relax and have some fun.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, I completely agree with you and I wish it was easier for me to just use my head and keep my heart out of it for now.
My xh and I met for dinner the other night. Again he told me he misses me and our friendship. However,this time he went a little further and was able to tell me that he wants to work things out which just got my head spinning. I loved this man for so long and then, in order to go forward without him, I had to remind myself of his faults and convince myself that I deserved better. I believed my xh would eventually come to this realization, I just didn't think it would take this long. I rebuilt my life and i was finally happier. Now I have to decide if I can forgive him IF he can prove himself. It sounds somewhat easy, right?....Just let him prove himself. Well, for me, this all makes me a little crazy because I can't seem to keep my heart out of it until he proves himself. I'm already feeling vulnerable. And then to top it off, my xh confessed to me that he has slept with a couple of other women. I'm not exactly sure how the topic came up but he said I asked and he wanted to be honest. Ugh! I believe it was post our last breakup but it still bothers me.
I told my xh he was going to have to be "all in" and prove himself. He agreed. Now I'm on vacation for 2 weeks. Which is good so I have time to think...or does it give me too much time to get into my head???
Upside, It's okay...your heart has been shattered and it's going to take some time to mend and yes, your xh will need to win you back. It's not going to happen over the course of weeks, but months.
Take your time and work on things slowly. Friendship has to be the first step and go from there. Because each of you has been on a separate journey, you both will need to learn about each other again. It's going to be new and very much different as the journey has changed both of you.
Use your vacation time to do things for you. Leave your xh and mlc out of the equation, if you can. You need this time for yourself and do some fun things. When the time is right, God will reveal his plans for the both of you. Bottom line...don't rush the process, i.e., allow things to naturally progress.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I had a fantastic and memorable vacation but now I am back home to face reality. While I was gone, my xh texted me daily making me feel like there was sincerity behind the words he said to me before i left. Now that I'm home, nothing! Maybe I'm overly anxious but I thought if he really was wanting to move forward, he would make plans to see me and so far nothing. Granted I've only been back for a little over 24 hours but the lack of contact now makes me feel like he's hiding again. There go my trust issues!!! As I told him, he has to make the effort so I refuse to initiate contact. It appears he is still scared and resisting. Whatever it is going on, I can't do the roller coaster again. I just want him to man up and be consistent or leave me alone for good. Is that asking too much right now?
I finally received a text from my xh this morning...
"Hey I haven't forgotten about you. I am golfing in XXXX. Golfed yesterday also. Hope you are back on regular time. Can't wait to see you and hear about your adventures."
I have not replied yet...partially because I just don't know what to say. I'm annoyed. This is how he's making an effort to work things out between us? I would understand if he has plans if he would communicate that with me.
Do I just have my expectations set too high at this point?
Do I just have my expectations set too high at this point?
It isn't over until it is over, and we also get to decide on that one. I do not know about all MLCers, some sort themselves out and make things OK, many seem to want to sweep it all under the carpet.
It depends on you. After nearly 8 years, I am comfortable alone, and have no wish to spend time with a person who cannot even begin to address what they have done.
I get that it is painful for them, and I also get that it appears unless we accept them warts and all, we may not get a chance at marriage restoration.
I thought it all through, and then I thought 'I'll pass'.
Bu that is where I am now and my particular MLCer. If you want continued contact I would say, don't call him on this. As long as we don't do this, they seem to relate more and more to us.
Personally I have no regrets at having told my xh like it is, but I was clear that I am not really interested in rebuilding a relationsihp.
If you are interested in re-building a relationship with him then I would simply reply nicely . . . . He sounds LOT saner than my xh.
Hi bea- Part of my struggle is that it was over for me and my xh has to keep sucking me back in. I was finally happier and planning for my life without my xh. He, on the other hand, can't completely let me go. He continually does his touch and goes but can't really commit to anything. This time I was sensing something different. He apologized for blaming me for our problems and claimed it was his fault that we got to the place where we were. He acknowledged when he came back the last time, he wasn't really committed to the relationship. He claimed he wants to work things out...but the follow through still isn't there.
I've invested very little this go around so it's ok. It used to be that I would look to see where my xh was in the MLC process but I finally came to realize that there really is no way to figure that out. Still, even after his epiphanies and apologies, he still doesn't get it or he is still scared. Is he moving closer to acceptance? Probably but there are still no guarantees and I have no patience for this anymore. I don't want to settle for anything less than an equally caring relationship. After I've invested years trying to understand why this all happened, I've learned that you can figure out some things while other things you just have to accept for what they are. And right now, what my xh has to offer still isn't good enough for me. Could that still change?...possibly but my xh's track record doesn't make for very good odds.
I did give a somewhat generic reply to my xh's text yesterday and he did respond this morning. And on it goes...maybe....
So strange, I just reread some of the old thread I started on acceptance. It is crazy because it almost appears that history is repeating itself 3 years later. A lot has transpired in between including our reconciliation, our divorce and then another breakup...in that order! However, i am not in the same place. I am not looking to reconcile with this man...I've just been debating whether or not to give him an opportunity to prove that something has changed. I have to admit that my emotions still get stirred up but if I take a step back, I still see things for what they are. My xh still has a long way to go to be the man I need him to be...I'm not sure he'll ever make it...and if he does, I'm not sure where I'll be.
So if my xh is where he was 3 years ago and we did end up back together for only a year and a half, what would be different this time?
Upside - it is a good question - what would be different this time. A wise friend of mine told me that when they are done with MLC we will know. Their actions towards us will truly change.
If you thnk it is another 'touch and go' you are right to be cautious. We invest a lot of ourselves when we give these people another chance, because we do it wholeheartedly. To then find they were just testing the water is incredibly hurtful.
This last round, with my xh apparently being so friendly, I was super cautious, because I was suspicious, and rightly.
I do not think you need to do anything. Take your time in replying to anything he sends you, and watch and listen. As Snodderly says, the answers drop into our lap if we are stay quiet.
Ugh!!! My xh will make me crazy if I let him. Last week we met again for dinner. He said all these wonderful things getting my head spinning again. I started thinking maybe he’s finally getting through this and just maybe we can work things out. He said he wanted us to start spending more time together. I was out of town last again weekend and while I was gone, he was fairly consistent in texting me which made me believe his words could possibly be sincere. I have to admit my mind started going to places that I know it shouldn’t. I need to stay in the real world, which is, since I’ve been back, he has texted me a few times but made no mention of us spending time together this weekend (which he brought up before)…in fact, I have not even heard from him since yesterday morning.
I will not initiate contact with my xh…I just can’t. If he wants this, he has to make the effort. He has to prove himself and so far that isn’t happening. I’m sure when he contacts me, he will have some excuse about work or something but I can’t justify excuses anymore. I’m back to my mantra…I deserve better!
I just can’t understand this behavior. How can he talk about rebuilding a relationship and then nothing? Is this just another touch and go? Is he scared? Does he still not know what he wants?
Bea-You are so right about them testing the water is hurtful. I am being quiet...and, so far, the only answer I have is to stay on the road I've been on for the last year.
Hey Upside. Some random thoughts about this latest set of events.
Have you ever considered it is not about what he wants, but rather what you want? Hear me out. What I'm thinking is that if you're on the fence and he's still trying to figure things out, then your actions may be mirrored in some twisted way. You're once bitten..so it's understandable that you're spinning a bit as he changes. He obviously wants you in his life, but that may not be what you want if he can't be what you what need at this point in your life. Your spinning emotions make it hard for him to read and he reacts in a timid way, and you begin to wonder what the heck is up with him. Kind of like a dance in a way...
Figure out what you want and settle for nothing less. It's up to him to either try and catch up or not. It's up to you to let him go if you need to in order to get what you need. The hard part is differentiating between having feelings for him and him being able to reciprocate and meet your needs as well. You do not seem to be able to figure his out, which makes it harder. The superficial you can see pretty easily, but what it is he really needs is much more hidden. Yours are so far undecided.
I'm not saying things should be in an absolute sense figured out, but you should have a good idea what you will and will not accept and work toward that without wondering if you left anything on the table, right?
It's a journey, Upside. It's not a destination, so you'll continuously change things as time goes on. That's ok. That's part of life. For now, if you wait and see you'll see what he's about. If you live your life and he comes along, that's great too. If he doesn't, that's his loss and he'll have to figure out how to get past it.
My thoughts anyway.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you so much for your much appreciated perspective. Agreed that my focus should ultimately be on what I want and need to be happy. If my xh isn't able to give that to me, then I need to keep moving on and not look back. I thought that is what I had previously done but as you say, things continually change even when you don't expect them to so just enjoy the ride as much as possible.
I did spend a little time with my xh this past weekend. As I suspected, he is extremely busy at work right now working 7 days a week to keep his business going. While together this weekend, I did push for us to clarify our mutual wants, needs and expectations. I told him I want and need someone more like the man I originally married...caring, considerate, patient, etc. He wants and needs companionship. So, for now the expectation is that we continue moving forward with our individual lives but we will spend time together when we can to see what happens. While he is so busy with work, I asked if daily contact of some kind was a reasonable expectation and he agreed to it. He is texting me daily and we have plans to meet tonight. We'll see...as long as I can keep my head and heart from spinning, I'll be ok.
Snodderly- I was reading through some of my old threads and found this post from 9/12/10...
Originally Posted By: snodderly
Upside, I'm going to share my thoughts on your situation and I hope that I don't offend you....I think part of the problem is that you may be reading way too much into the "words" of what he's saying. Yes, he's saying all of the right things that you want to hear, but the actions are not there. I know that you are hoping that he is near or in acceptance, but I honestly don't think he is. I do think that he is very much aware of what he's saying and he is hoping against hope and time that he can continue to keep you in his life while he tries to get himself straightened out.
This "keeping you on a string" needs to start unraveling or you will never heal. You see, I think that when you are detached and have little contact w/him, you start to heal and feel better about yourself and life. When your h senses that you are moving further away from him and are not there emotionally he knows that he has to step it up and say everything that will bring you right back into his drama. He knows that you still love him and want to reconcile and what better way to keep you right there in his drama, but to say all of the "right words" to keep you there. I think you need to detach even more and just listen to what he says and then let those words bounce right off of you. Until his actiions say otherwise, words mean nothing.
BTW, I'm glad he called your son. At least he did remember what the day is. I wasn't expecting him to call and talk to you....he knows he got what he wanted...you took his bait.
Oh trust me, he knows that if he comes back, he will either have to do the work or he will run once again. This time, if he runs, you very well may not given him another chance. That's why he's still sitting on the fence...he knows he's not ready to return home. I know you want him home and back as a family member, but he's not ready by any means.
Take this time to heal and try to find your footing once again. Always remember, actions speak louder than words.
It is amazing how incredibly right you were. He stuck it out for a year and a half and then ran. Now he's back and saying so many of the exact same things to me. How do I know for sure if my xh has done the work and is finally healthy enough to be a real relationship? I know you say that we will know when their crisis is over but I really thought (or at least wanted to believe) his crisis was ending 3 years ago and it wasn't. I'm hearing some of the same exact words from him this time and seeing some of the same actions. When it comes to my xh, I'm not sure if it will be so obvious.
I've already let him back into my life more than ever thought I would. This time around I need to think with my head instead of my heart so it is understandable that I keep coming back to this question..Can I trust this man not to run again?
Upside - although our MLC spouses are very different, I feel that yours, like mine, wants to come back at a very deep level, but still hasn't got a clue what to do.
They haven't sorted themselves out, but they long for their old life. It isn't a question of us keeping the path clear, in this case, i believe, but of recognising that they have to figure this one out.
I don;t even know why I think my xh wants to return to his family - his words say one thing and his actions suggest that he is very conflicted.
Your spouse is saying the words but can't follow through with the actions.
I am sitting quietly and getting one with my life. Much of this amuses me, sometimes it upsets me, and other times i wish he was on mars, but mostly life is pretty good! MLC notwithstanding.
Upside, Actions speak louder than words. He's got to prove to you that he's in this reconnection for the long haul. I would date him for a period of time and see where it goes. He would definitely have to earn your trust and you will need to keep your expectations at zero at all times. Learn to accept him for the man he is today. The man you loved and knew pre-crisis is gone and if he's completed or nearly completed his crisis, he's going to be a mature and yet different man. The new him may even keep some of the mlc traits that he picked up along the way, i.e., they could be good or bad. Time will tell on this one.
I would suggest that if you continue to allow him back into your world, that you try to think of him as a new person and just have a bit of fun and enjoy his company. You can still observe him from a distance...but his actions must be true.
Take things slowly, don't rush the relationship. After all, it's a new beginning for both of you, if his actions prove to you that he's wanting to reconcile and he means it.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
bea-Our xh's do seem similar yet different and I don't know who has it worse...your xh gets angry and spews and mine tells me how much he misses me but hasn't been able to follow through. Either way, it hasn't been very much fun. If they don't want to be a real part of our lives and be happy, then they should just leave us alone. Maybe they just want to make sure we are as miserable as they are.
Snodderly-Thank you and I hear you loud and clear...don't rush this and let my xh prove himself if he can. Start this out like we are just dating for the first time. At the moment I think I can handle that.
Sometimes I just get a little ahead of myself because he says so many of the right words and he's not really a smooth talker if you know what I mean. It can be hard to understand how someone can seemingly be sincere in apologies and confessions of love but yet not be able to recommit to the relationship. The last time he came back we were about 4 years into his crisis and he seemed sincere in the beginning however something still wasn't right when he didn't stop the divorce. A year and a half later after the divorce was final, he was gone again claiming he was angry because of some supposed hearsay which allegedly took place around 7-8 years prior to him leaving again.
I just keep trying to find if there is anything different this time around compared to the last. As far as I can remember from the last time, there are slight differences in him...he seems like he's trying to be more honest and open. He claims he understands that he needs to give and not just take in the relationship and he appears to be making some effort to follow through...and he has apologized. But I have to say though that the biggest difference is in me. For the most part, I have reluctant to reconnect this time where as last time, I was anxious for a reconciliation. I truly was done and happy on my own. Now I'm trying to see if the pieces of this puzzle can still fit together...while staying happy and sane...regardless of the outcome.
I haven't had much time to post lately but for the last 4 or 5 months, my xh and I have been spending a lot of time together. He seems so much more like the man I married but yet tells me that I have changed. I suppose I have...how can you make it through something like this without massive amounts a self-reflection and growth! No matter what happens, I'll be fine.
Good for you UP! I am actually not that surprised by this.
Please let us know as more time goes by.
Hi Cadet-I didn't want to hijack peace's thread so I'll bring this one back again.
The last 7+ years of my life has been the craziest rollercoster. Just when I thought I was getting off this ride there were still a few twists and turns left for me...
I've now been "hanging out" again with my XH for 6 or 7 months and so far things have been pretty nice. It took me a little while figure out that we weren't going to have an instant relationship again...not sure I wanted that anyway. I guess I've learned to just appreciate the moments and to keep my expectations low...and somewhere along the way my XH and I seem to have reconnected. He says he's happy and talks long term but there has been no talk of remarriage. The thought of it frightens me anyway. So for now I'm trying to appreciate what each day brings and let go of all the pain from the past. My XH has been becoming more kind, caring and generous as each day passes. I do finally feel that we are "back together" and, in the very little R talk we've had, he has confirmed he feels the same way. As Job had said, you'll know when it is a real reconnection and I do believe this is it.
I still have a few trust issue but now, for the most part, I trust myself and know this relationship for as long as it lasts is a bonus to my life. I've learned to count my blessing today since there is no guarantee they'll be there tomorrow...remarriage won't even guarantee it.
I will try to continue to appreciate the mutual respect and caring that my XH and I have found for each other again and try not to lose sight of all the lessons I have learned throughout this journey. I will always thankful for all the sage advice I got from this board when I needed it the most.
Cadet-How are you? What's new with you? Your kind words and support truly helped me and many others through this mess.
He says he's happy and talks long term but there has been no talk of remarriage. The thought of it frightens me anyway. So for now I'm trying to appreciate what each day brings and let go of all the pain from the past. My XH has been becoming more kind, caring and generous as each day passes. I do finally feel that we are "back together" and, in the very little R talk we've had, he has confirmed he feels the same way. As Job had said, you'll know when it is a real reconnection and I do believe this is it.
I still have a few trust issue but now, for the most part, I trust myself and know this relationship for as long as it lasts is a bonus to my life. I've learned to count my blessing today since there is no guarantee they'll be there tomorrow...remarriage won't even guarantee it.
I will try to continue to appreciate the mutual respect and caring that my XH and I have found for each other again and try not to lose sight of all the lessons I have learned throughout this journey. I will always thankful for all the sage advice I got from this board when I needed it the most.
Cadet-How are you? What's new with you? Your kind words and support truly helped me and many others through this mess.
Thanks for the update and I think everything you are feeling is perfectly normal.
I am doing fine, life is certainly an adventure and living it to its fullest is the best that we can ask for.
The last 7+ years of my life has been the craziest rollercoster. Just when I thought I was getting off this ride there were still a few twists and turns left for me...
I've now been "hanging out" again with my XH for 6 or 7 months and so far things have been pretty nice. It took me a little while figure out that we weren't going to have an instant relationship again...not sure I wanted that anyway. I guess I've learned to just appreciate the moments and to keep my expectations low...and somewhere along the way my XH and I seem to have reconnected. He says he's happy and talks long term but there has been no talk of remarriage. The thought of it frightens me anyway. So for now I'm trying to appreciate what each day brings and let go of all the pain from the past. My XH has been becoming more kind, caring and generous as each day passes. I do finally feel that we are "back together" and, in the very little R talk we've had, he has confirmed he feels the same way. As Job had said, you'll know when it is a real reconnection and I do believe this is it.
He's continuing to grow, change and become--but so are you, Upside. You two are coming together as time goes on, getting to know each other again, and that can only be a good thing.
I've come by from time to time, hunted up your threads to see how you were, and hoped things were going all right for you.
The situation looks really good, Upside.
Quote:
I still have a few trust issue but now, for the most part, I trust myself and know this relationship for as long as it lasts is a bonus to my life. I've learned to count my blessing today since there is no guarantee they'll be there tomorrow...remarriage won't even guarantee it.
Time will help with some of your trust issues, as time heals all wounds. However, transparency on his part, and continued consistency in his behavior toward you will go a long way toward restoring your broken trust.
Like you said, what's more important is that you trust yourself, and you've learned to focus on what's here and now, with the understanding that the future will take care of itself.
You've come a long way, and so has your husband.
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I will try to continue to appreciate the mutual respect and caring that my XH and I have found for each other again and try not to lose sight of all the lessons I have learned throughout this journey. I will always thankful for all the sage advice I got from this board when I needed it the most.
You'll find it's the little things that matter the most, and these little things will lead into the bigger things that will surely come in time.
You two are starting over within a time of a new beginning--just take it one step at a time, one day at a time--you'll be fine.
Forging a new connection that eventually leads into a renewal, rebuilding, and eventually into reconciliation really does start out with what seems to be the smallest of things, but little by little, each effort becomes a major building block that helps build into a more solid relationship in the future.
We all have to start somewhere, we learn to take a chance, because, hey, if we don't, we will never know what could be.
I think everything will be just fine. I was very glad to read your update.
Blessings to both you and your husband--may your future be a bright one.
I'm sure there aren't many on this board that will remember me. As you can see on this thread, it's been several years since I posted. This has been such a long journey. So here's the recap...my H's MLC started 10 years ago! Wow!!! He left me in Feb. 2007 and couldn't decide what it was he wanted so I pushed for a divorce thinking that would bring him to his senses. The D was final Dec. 2010 even though at the time we were somewhat back together at the time. My H left me again in May 2011. At that point, I was done and moved on with my life. In the summer of 2013, my then XH started to find excuses to have contact with me. I hesitately started seeing him again and tried not to have any expectations. We ended up spending more and more time together, then living together again and then, this past weekend, we were remarried.
Ten years ago when I came to this forum, I was a mess and in disbelief. It took a long time for me to listen to the advice I was given but, ultimately, so much of what l learned here became my mantra. What I learned here helped me gain the strength to move on. What I learned here helped me forgive him and myself.
It's been a long journey to get to this happier place we're at so, I'm doing my best to appreciate each day because there are no guarantees that tomorrow will be as happy as today. We all need to focus on our blessings even if they are sometimes hard to find. Even going through this experience was as disguised blessing because it helped find my strength and self worth. i was devistated when my husband left me but our relationship now seems to hav a much better foundation...I hope and pray it stays that way but, in the event it doesn't, I got pretty good at picking myself up and dusting myself off.
I wish everyone on this MLC journey peace, strength and the ability to find the silver lining.
I remember you. Your journey has been a long one, but you learned the lessons along the way and saved yourself and now, a new relationship has been created out of the ashes of the MLC destruction.
Upside, I wish you and your h all the happiness in the world.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, Upside, for coming back to post such a positive update. I think many of us need to see the positive outcomes of DBing even after D. Even the positives that don't come from reuniting can make a difference, but especially given the original goal for finding this place, those who R. That we don't have to see the D as a reason to hate our X and mark the end of our journey.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
wow, what a story, well done on standing up for what you believe in and in having the strength to do what you have done.
What would be very interesting is to hear your husbands perspective on all this. I hope in time you may be able to share this with us.
Best wishes on the future
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
Many congratulations to you and your h, I am really happy for you both.
Thank you so much for posting an update, it meant that your previous posts were resurrected for us to read and for me you have given me a well needed boost at a time I really need it.
My h has just done a touch and go, he was away for 2 yrs, but in contact for the last yr, I thought he was done with his MLC, he said and did the right things and I was sucked in to his world way too easily. Reading your updates, I know I have to pick myself up and keep going on with my own life, leaving him to his, I can see that he is far away from coming through this, if he does at all.
Its lovely to hear of a reconciliation, so thanks for coming back to tell us all how you are doing.
That's how it must need to be. 