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#2260170 07/06/12 05:43 AM
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This sad story started for me about 6 years ago. Shortly after my step-daughter left for college, my then H started pulling away and eventually dropped the bomb and moved out. After that, I came here and tried my best to DB. Sometime after my H moved out, he started coming around again however he couldn’t really make up his mind if he was coming or going. I always believed that he loved me but eventually got frustrated waiting for him to recommit to the marriage so I pushed for a D. My H, who is an attorney, filed the papers with a stipulated judgement so we didn’t have to do anything other than wait the 6 months...however, he kept telling me we could stop it if we want to. He apparently didn’t stop it so the divorce went through even though we stayed together. We still kept 2 places but most nights we were together. So, we have been divorced now for 1 ½ years. At first after the D, he seemed to really try to reconnect with me, he was very loving and sweet…but still most everything had to be on his terms. He said he still needed his space at times and he wanted to do what he wanted to do without question. I have done a lot help him out over the years but he never really reciprocated much and it appears he never really appreciated much. He could be very generous in a few ways but extremely selfish in all others. If I ever expressed my displeasure about something, he would latch on to it and use it against me when it was convienient. He would ignore me on the rare occasion when I would discuss my feeling about the relationship and wanting more of a committment. Recently, I sensed him pulling away again. I tried to let him know as nicely as possible that I wasn’t feeling happy with the way things were between us and that only seemed to make things worse. He told me I was needy and difficult. One night a few weeks ago when he was at his place and I was at mine, I let him know I was feeling depressed (mostly because my son recently left for the military and now I am an empty-nester). He replied that sometimes life is boring. The next morning, I thought he might call to check on me but he didn’t so I called him. He acted annoyed that I called him and during the conversation I got so hurt, I lost it and told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted him in my life anymore then I said goodbye and hung up. We have had very limited contact since and only initiated by me. When we have talked, the conversations have not gone very well…I’ve felt like we were back to where we were when he left me all those years ago. He has said some mean and hurtful things to me, even said he sees the bad things about me.

It has been a few weeks now since he “left me” for the second time. I’m still trying to process all of my feelings…relief, anger, hurt, stupidity etc. I am so confused…I was the one who wasn’t happy…he had everything his way and I went along with it. He couldn’t even be here for me when I was sad or hurting. Most of the time now, I don’t really even miss him that much and I am ready to move on…but for some reason, it still hurts. I just keep telling myself I deserve so much better and I do deserve so much better. I am not saying I am perfect and I certainly haven’t handled everthing perfectly but this time around, I know where most of the blame lies. I tried my hardest to make him happy but it would never be good enough because he isn’t happy with himself. I know I wouldn’t have been able to go on like this forever so this is the inevitable. I had been feeling very lonely even when I was with him…it wasn’t a real partnership. This man is now so emotionally defective, he isn’t capable of emotional intimacy…however, I must still love him somehow because it hurts so much to think he doesn’t or just can’t let himself care about me.

I can no longer DB. I had thought that things would eventually change for the better and he would become more like his old self…not the case. I tried so hard and I can not give this man anymore of myself because what I gave him was never good enough. I can not take him back again because he will only continue to hurt me. I need to move on and not look back.

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I'm so sorry you're feeling all this pain. You've tried for so long, and so hard.

Sometimes the hardest thing to accept, is that we've learned that we can't accept any less than what we really need from a relationship. It sounds like that is where you are right now.

Whatever you decide, know that there are many that have been in your place...or are there right now...and we've all felt the loneliness and agony of feeling we must make a decision for ourselves, even if it's not what we had been hoping for. Only you know what is right for you.


Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
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Agreed. Sorry to hear about it. But I think, like Creed mentioned, you are in a much stronger and better place. No more limbo. No more uneven trying.

It gets better from here on...Believe that!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2260730 07/08/12 11:06 PM
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Upside,
I am sorry to hear all of these changes. Now...stop initiating contact with him. This is for you, not for him. Prepare to truly forge out on your own.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

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Hi Upside,

I am sorry to hear this as well

It isnt your fault..sounds like you did everything you could

It does get better and better things await you as you step out of it..
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Upside,
How are you doing?


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

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Thank you everyone for you comments and support. Although I don't Come here often anymore, this board has brought me much comfort over the years I have been dealing with my situation.

I've actually been doing fairly well considering all. I'm still on a little bit of rollercoaster but it is nothing like what I was going through 5 years ago. I hate coming home to an empty house all the time but there has been something missing for a long time regardless of my xh being there.

My xh and I have exchanged a few emails recently. Any comments that I made on an emotional level, he just ignores with the exception of a comment that I made about us possible being friends someday. He replied that we will be friends no matter what happens between us. Really??? He keeps everything all business but thinks we can be friends. Not interested right now.

So, my xh was supposed to come by last weekend to get his things that he had at my house but he texted me and told me he "forgot" so he is supposed to be doing this weekend...we'll see if he shows. How does someone forget something like that? I am out of town until tomorrow so hopefully he will get everything before I return.

I happened to find some old emails today from a couple of years ago...and the illustrate perfectly that nothing has changed....

From my xh...
Hey I left my phone at home today…..I saw your message and am glad you are doing ok……I miss you.

My reply...
I'm not really sure how to reply to you.  If you want to know if I miss you too, sometimes I do but I have accepted that you don't want what I want and that we are moving forward with the divorce. I do sincerely hope that you find the happiness and peace that has been eluding you for so long.  For the most part, I am happy now (with the exception of dealing with sometimes-cranky teenagers). I would still like to find companionship but figure that will happen when the time is right.  

From my xh...
So what is it that you want? I think we all want companionship

From me...
What do I want?  I want someone like the man I married who looked forward to spending time with me, wanted to take care of me, appreciated the things I did for him and who loved me despite my imperfections.  I want a man that is committed to me, not someone who is there just when he feels like it.  I want someone who is willing to discuss whatever is bothering him and not bury it inside or run away because he doesn't want to deal with it. 

My xh's reply...
Most of that is still me---its being a true equal partner though---- with mutual issues and similar dreams and aspirations---I still love you-- think you are amazing and am moving forward because that is what you want---by the way I told some people I was still interested in my old job--Xxxx is probably out in the month

Re-reading these emails just confirmed for me that nothing changed. He is still stuck after all these years. I believe he still loves me someway, somehow but it wasn't enough then and it isn't enough now.

I need to just keep moving on...

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Upside

((((((((HUGS)))))))

I did read this when you first posted and really had no words that I could think of to say.

I have learned a lot about low energy MLC'ers in the past few years and I must admit that they follow a different script than what Conway and followers write about.

It seems that their replay activities are very short but that even though it appears to end they never leave the escape and avoid mode.

They are stuck at a younger age of development and this might be why it takes them so long to grow up.

You are doing the right thing with moving on in your life for YOU.
As that is all we can ever DO.
If they ever decide to really grow up and become adults again then it will be their problem about trying to catch up with us.

MLC takes TIME - way too much TIME.

Thanks for the Update and know that I have thought about how you were doing.
Sorry it is the way it is working out but YOU are going to be FINE, and I hope you find all that you are looking for.


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Quote:
They are stuck at a younger age of development and this might be why it takes them so long to grow up
Some never do grow up and keep making the same decisions until... they change... And even for those that do, there is a huge time and learning gap where they "left". I notice it with my ex many times in the brief exchanges of email regarding the kids. It's as if she thinks of the kids as being 10 and 12. Where she left them. It's as if she isn't sure what world she is in. It's as if she has a harder time remembering the perspective that led her to leave like her a** was on fire and her head was catching smile That's how it must need to be.

We aren't in the same place as when they left but sometimes they seem to think we are. Like the broom they left in the closet when they ran away and left home. I moved the broom to a better place smile

It's why we always say that if they are to reconnect, it is so much harder if there is another person on the scene. Causes a difficult dynamic. The boards are riddled with people who left and then tried years later only to find that world was long gone and so was the person they left behind.

The lesson to me is that in my future relatioships and in my life, to always enjoy each day as the gift it is. With or without my family unit intact, each day truly is a gift as are the things I've learned and re-learned (I knew much of it before but it never hurts too much to have a reminder, right?) wink

Upside, glad to hear you are doing well and still moving forward. Stay well!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2267224 08/01/12 08:12 PM
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I find myself wondering why they regress in the first place. The X in his 20s was more mature than X in his 40s. I think X in his 20s would have been pretty disgusted by the person he is now.

I have blamed myself to a point; the R was codependent and I allowed him to lean on me too much.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

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