I think you're doing pretty good so far, vera. I just went back to your original request for a BOOTCAMP thread:
Originally Posted By: vera be fierce
I would like some help keeping the focus on myself. I've been working on some fitness goals and GAL a lot (and had been well before BD as I'd recovered from a long-term illness). I feel better than I have in years. But now we are moving toward selling the house and it's hitting me really hard. I also work in the legal profession so the symbolism of D is very salient to me.
I did want to touch on a couple things that may keep the focus ON YOU:
Originally Posted By: vera be fierce
Today he told me he got an apartment and would start sleeping there this week. I said "great!" when he told me this. A few hours later and I haven't even felt a drop of sadness over that.
What meaning does the bolded part above have, for you?
Originally Posted By: vera be fierce
He wanted to talk tonight and I said that didn't work for me.
Why did it not work, for you? What was your intention, when you told him it didn't work? ie. What explanation would you have given him that was honest and truthful?
Originally Posted By: vera be fierce
I went out for a little bit and he cornered me when i got back saying that he wanted to talk bc I don't answer his phone calls and am slow to respond to emails if I do at all.
Why do you not answer his phone calls? Why are you slow to respond to emails? Have you NOT responded to emails? Why?
Originally Posted By: vera be fierce
I reiterated that I wasn't going to rush a major decision just bc he felt pressure now that he's signed a lease.
You explain that you WON'T rush a decision? That is good, one should do due diligence. What I found interesting is that rather than indicating due diligence, your mention it's because of pressure from your H. Are you resisting what you feel as pressure from your H or is there some other productive, positive reason for holding off? ie. What POSITIVE work towards making this major decision, are you doing?
Today he told me he got an apartment and would start sleeping there this week. I said "great!" when he told me this. A few hours later and I haven't even felt a drop of sadness over that.
What meaning does the bolded part above have, for you?
Great was just the first thing that popped out of my mouth. It definitely threw him off. I think the latter part indicated that, at least for one day, I wasn't on the roller coaster.
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He wanted to talk tonight and I said that didn't work for me.
Why did it not work, for you? What was your intention, when you told him it didn't work? ie. What explanation would you have given him that was honest and truthful?
it was saturday and I didn't want to ruin what had been an enjoyable and relaxing day by talking finances.
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I went out for a little bit and he cornered me when i got back saying that he wanted to talk bc I don't answer his phone calls and am slow to respond to emails if I do at all.
Why do you not answer his phone calls? Why are you slow to respond to emails? Have you NOT responded to emails? Why?
He only calls me about D-related things. I am slow with emails because I have been keeping dim for months now. I used to not respond to emails that he sent after BD such as newsletter forwards or links to tshirts he thinks are funny. If he leaves me a voicemail or text on a matter that is urgent, I respond appropriately. Otherwise, it's not a priority for me like it used to be.
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I reiterated that I wasn't going to rush a major decision just bc he felt pressure now that he's signed a lease.
You explain that you WON'T rush a decision? That is good, one should do due diligence. What I found interesting is that rather than indicating due diligence, your mention it's because of pressure from your H. Are you resisting what you feel as pressure from your H or is there some other productive, positive reason for holding off? ie. What POSITIVE work towards making this major decision, are you doing?
I didn't post a complete recap of this here like I did on my other thread. My first response (and second and third...) was that I need to know financially where I will stand as of the D before I can make an informed decision on the house. I mentioned the not responding bc of his pressure only after repeatedly starting that point. I am resisting his pressure only to the extent that my needs (full financial settlement disclosure and agreement) have not yet been met. I have had my financial info ready for at least a month. I am saving every penny and betting my ducks in a row for a refi, including liking into loans from my retirement acct and family. He has gone on all kinds of leisure trips and vacations this summer and did not start gathering his info until this Saturday. Now he's realizing he has to request archived statements etc and that takes additional time.
hope that helps to clarify how it went down a little better.
Something i'm going to work on now is asking friends how they are doing before I start talking about myself. I just stopped myself from leading a conversation about something I did this weekend and instead asked someone what they'd been up to. i want to be less selfish in that regard.
Haha, hey now, i'm not saying I never asked them before. I've just been bad at doing it through this situation.
The dim on some level is still protection for me. It gives me a chance to ponder my response without firing off a quick response based on emotion (i have resigned as the queen of smartmouth comebacks). I would actually say I've been slightly more responsive recently as I've gotten my head in a better place and i'm not as concerned about how he will respond.
Today I looked up a few more mortgage brokers to call this week for quotes. I will start that tomorrow. This will help me feel better about being informed and ready to pull the trigger when the time comes.
I've just been bad at doing it through this situation.