KD thanks again for the post above, I've been kicking it around in my head for the past few days.
I am doing some of the work for the D now because I have been served with discovery requests and have a response deadline.
Am I livid now? I don't think so. Was I earlier? Definitely. Right now I would peg my anger at more of an annoyance level b/c STBX is so ill-informed about the D process (he currently keeps scoffing about how much work full discovery will be) and I am much more informed, but obviously not sharing that with him. I swing between annoyance and pity.
Your assessment of him using the guilt to induce talks is well-taken. I read some of his buttering up with positives as guilt on his part, too.
We did share a "good" time a little over a month ago - went out to a show that we'd already had tickets for. He said he hoped that we could do more stuff like that in the future because he had a really nice time. Not long after that he pestered me to go grab dinner with him, I kept declining, and he kept trying to convince me to go and I finally gave in because I didn't really have anything else going on.
He complains about his job a lot. I validate and leave it at that. I had my own life transition crisis within the last few years and I see a lot of that in him, but he doesn't see it for himself.
He wants to walk to the gym together and gets annoyed when I don't want to do that. He generally talks pretty freely about what he's been up to. I don't. When he asks questions, I'm vague. When I'm vague, he gets irritated. At one point he said "we don't really spend much time together anymore" and "you haven't really had much to say recently" etc. My DB coach said she'd never seen someone pursuing so much while filing for D.
I have no illusions that getting the D over with sooner will end the problems. I continue to own my stuff and work on that. That's all I can do.
Yes, on both accounts. That said, it is still hard to not think there might be some hope when he gets back from traveling and wants to come into my space and talk about something he did or saw that he thought was interesting, or texts me about something going on locally while he's away ... if he wanted his "space" so much . . . why can't he just take it?
Honestly Vera, if you are done, that's OK. I think when we hit that point, we will still always have those questions of, "what if..."
And if you are ready for the consequences and possible regret (not saying you are and not saying possible regret should be a reason to wait... one could then wait, forever)... well, that would always be a tough call, but eventually... it's understandable...
I engaged you here because I for my own reasons, I wanted to be clear that you believe you are ready for this next step.
At this point, the D process has begun... So you can just keep moving forward.
Are you prepared to start moving faster on the D? I mean due diligence, of course... but without delay? Is that how you are proceeding, now?
I think so. I see ways that discovery/D be slightly delayed but I don't see any benefit in that for me now. There's really not much to delay at this point and while I could not consent to the D, which would require that 2 years pass from the separation date before D would be granted, I think it would be better for me to just let it go before that.
I would require changes from stbx that he has proven in the past he is not capable of making long term (e.g. NC from past EA(s)). I now see more clearly the impact of red flags I ignored early on. I am M until I am not, but I am not getting any younger and I'd like a family in a healthy R down the line. I feel like I fought for the M and stbx has done nothing but run away.
So yes, i would say I'm looking at my next steps beyond M.
I do have a question though... regarding the following...
Originally Posted By: vera be fierce
I now see more clearly the impact of red flags I ignored early on.
What red flags would those be:
+ ones that told you that your H was a low life and your M was a sham... (jk)
or...
+ ones that would have helped make you aware of problems earlier on so that you could have acted sooner on and maybe have prevented this mess in the first place?
Haha. The latter. Ones that I let destroy my self esteem over a number of years. Ones that actually led me to lean toward breaking things off with him more than once. He begged his way back and I figured what the heck, maybe he's right. Ah well, eyes wide open now.
Stay focused on YOU and things that you can make even better in yourself.
Whether you want to believe this or not, MOST people are driven to "be better"... It just might not look the way we expected... or in the case of your H, he may just not be ready to work on some tough stuff...
Maybe he will, maybe he won't... pointing out the WAS failings is not ours to own or harbour...
If I had to mindread I'd guess he doesn't even know what it is he has to work on. Didn't you know he's perfect just as he is?
Today he told me he got an apartment and would start sleeping there this week. I said "great!" when he told me this. A few hours later and I haven't even felt a drop of sadness over that.
He wanted to talk tonight and I said that didn't work for me. I went out for a little bit and he cornered me when i got back saying that he wanted to talk bc I don't answer his phone calls and am slow to respond to emails if I do at all. Bottom line he's still trying to rush a house listing before we've got a property settlement. He argues in tantrum form ("we didn't have any problem BUYING the house before we were married so I don't see how it is any different to sell it after now.")
I reiterated that I wasn't going to rush a major decision just bc he felt pressure now that he's signed a lease.
Today I went to a group exercise class by myself for the first time (usually go with a friend). I skimmed through some more books on recovering from co-dependency to see if I wanted to buy them. I have another group ex class that i'm working into my weekly routine. I have also been working on how to be a more caring and attentive friend to some of my posse going through highs and lows right now. I see how, partly due to illness, depression, and lack of awareness/skills, I was not the best friend to people in the past. The feeling I get now from true unconditional giving is new and wonderful. I sulk continue to do more of this.
(jk)