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from verab:

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If any vets are still checking this thread, I thought I'd throw my hat in...

H has filed for D and served me, we are now in our cooling off period before anything can be made final. No kids. He wants to be best friends (wants to go out to eat together, cook together, he still folds my laundry/hangs up delicates) and has noticed that I've been pulling back, saying that he has fun when we hang out and he really wants us to be able to do that. I've had a few sessions with Cheryl and we're at a loss as to what would be a sign that H is reconsidering short of him saying that he is putting the brakes on the D. H's complaints in the M were that, although things were comfortable and improving (we'd been in MC for a long time), he needed more spontenaiety and adventure. I had been working on those things prior to BD with him. I think he has possible EA but no confirmation of that right now. He is not yet 30 but in some ways is acting like MLC and trying to relive his adolescence/college party life. I'm not really interested in being his friend if we are D as I don't really like some of the people he associates with now and I'm not keen on his activities.

I would like some help keeping the focus on myself. I've been working on some fitness goals and GAL a lot (and had been well before BD as I'd recovered from a long-term illness). I feel better than I have in years. But now we are moving toward selling the house and it's hitting me really hard. I also work in the legal profession so the symbolism of D is very salient to me.

So I guess it would be helpful if anyone has experience dealing with possible MLC at a fairly young age.
_________________________
31. H nearing 30.
M2.5 T8+
H has thoughts of ending M 11/11
H tired of working on it 3/12
H files 5/12 driving the fast train to D-ville.
Served 6/12.

The only way out is through.


Last edited by dbmod; 08/10/12 10:39 PM.

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Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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I think I'm probably going to be heading over to the "surviving the big D" forum in the next few weeks. I just returned from an out of town trip and I am not looking forward to seeing STBXH around the house. Even if he turned around tomorrow and said he wanted to work on us I don't think I'd be up for it.

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Anyone? I'm having a hard time over the house issue. I have a lot of anxiety about finances and finding a new place to live that isn't totally disruptive of my current lifestyle (access to gym, transportation, work, etc.)

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Mods -This thread can be unstuck/deleted as it is not being used. Thanks.

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Originally Posted By: vera be fierce
I have a bootcamp thread but no vet; I would still be interested in doing this. A vet who has gone through D or very close to it might be helpful. I am dealing with a STBX who is clueless about what D entails but maintains it's what he wants. I am just trying to stay on my own path without getting dragged down by him.


Can you explain what you mean by "getting dragged down by him"?

Are you talking about financially... emotionally... both...?

And also, what do you see as "your path"? What path is that? What do you want, other than a fixed M (it may actually have nothing to do with the M)?

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He tends to sweeten up before dropping something negative/D-related. I feel fairly detached but the swings like that still aren't easy. I'm not sure how to navigate our relationship given that he still wants to be friends (feared losing me in that way) but I don't really want his friendship given how he had acted and is acting. I have a hard time not slipping back into the backtalk/smartmouth nasty person I am trying not to be anymore. I am trying to view our R as a business transaction only at this point.

Financially i'm not worried about getting dragged down; our stuff was already pretty separate. But it's irritating to hear him talk about planning to buy an ipad or travel to wherever when I am trying to save for trying to take the house on my own. The splitting of stuff which we are just wading into now is really pulling on my insecurities over being financially stable and independent.

My path right now is becoming fully financially independent. Getting the house solely in my name and getting set up for a renter. There are a few wildcards (appraisal value on the house as the primary one) that are causing some anxiety bc they are unknown. I don't see a fixed M with stbx as a realistic goal or even something I want anymore.

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I like to use the DB Bootcamp threads for narrow focused, SBT efforts. So for right, I'm just getting clear on where you are at to see what you may want and work on.

~~~~~~

I understand you feel as though you are fairly detached. What is coming through for me though, is you could use more work on that.

In your personal thread, you mention how your H proceeded with "more of the same" behaviour. ie. Using an opportunity to talk to you about D.

If he is doing "more of the same" then it means YOU are doing "more of the same". He can't do more of the same if you have changed and therefore the sitch has changed.

I see a lot of anger still in your posts. That is understandable. Putting "couple" pictures in a shred pile... you can shred the pictures, but you can't erase the past. Is that "tit for tat", that you feel he's erasing your past so you will do the same?

You mention above that you don't want to be friends with him, atm. The reasons you give is because of the way he HAD (past) acted and is acting.

More of the same from you will reap more of the same from him. If he could no longer act the way he is acting, because the sitch changed, then maybe you COULD be friends with him.

~~~~~

So...

From where I sit, it seems to me that GAL is in order.

Second, 180s to get rid of the "more of the same" in the sitch.

What are some stuff, maybe 5 things in a list, that you could do that specifically addresses getting out of "more of the same" and attachment?

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Thanks for the hard questions KD. Anger is something I have been working on every day. I actually just finished "dance of anger" and am still processing it. I am feeling it a little more than usual today b/c he just left on a family reunion trip that I'd been looking forward to since last year when it was initially planned.

STBX's "more of the same" that I'm talking about here is only since BD. Act nice/sweet/helpful/charming and then want to talk about D/Ls/selling the house, etc. It's like clockwork now. My agreeing to talk at the time that he asked to talk was a change from pre-BD (he said in the past that I never wanted to talk or there was never a good time to talk).

As for the pictures - I honestly don't know what to do with them. They are easily-replaceable prints of digital photos. We shred everything paper here so it's not an act of anger per se on those. I will ponder my motivations and perhaps put them on a pile for STBX to deal with.

The reason I don't want to be friends with STBX now is because, as he says, we don't seem to share common interests anymore. I agree with this to the extent that he is interested in doing things a normal 22 year old would do and I am not.

As for the "more of the same" - his main reason for BD was our M had been getting better and he was afraid things would be bad again in the future. I'd already changed a lot of my "more of the same" but he continued to D. On the advice of my DB coach I have cooled off more and more as he continues the D process.

For GAL - I have been hitting the gym more than ever. I'm in the best shape I've perhaps ever been since I became chronically ill nearly 10 years ago. I have spent the past 2 years after recovering from my illness reconnecting with many old friends. I go out with friends and coworkers. I attend recurring cultural/educational events in town and have invited different people with me every time. I am planning a day trip out of town for a few months from now and out of the country next year and the year after with friends. This weekend I plan to work on some art and do a few more things around the house to make it appraisal-ready. I am also making a craft gift for a friend who recently had a baby.

As for 5 things to do .... I will continue to ponder this over the weekend. for starters

1. I will start my list of assets/possessions in the house and as adinva recommended (paraphrasing) categorize by must have/want/don't want. I intended to do this this past week and didn't. This will help me feel more informed and prepared for upcoming negotiations over "stuff." Right now I feel out of control because I don't know what he wants to "take" from me.

2. I will investigate when the sport/social leagues start up, what the fees are, and which teams are in my area. I'm in a budget freeze right now until the house stuff is settled.

3. I will calendar some of my alumni association events and actually go to them rather than thinking about going and then not.

Thank you again for posing the questions, KD. This has already been helpful to get me to think of some things that need to be considered and re-considered.

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That sounds good, vera.

I'm going to say I think I understand how you are feeling... why you are feeling as you are...

My mentor once told me (paraphrased), "If you don't agree with the game, stop playing."

It sounds like your H helped create the sitch you find yourself in, regarding talking about the D. ie. He used your past behaviour of not talking (which stung for you, because it was true) as a way to get you to do talk now about things you do not want to talk about.

He used PAST "more of the same" to create PRESENT "more of the same". And you felt guilty, so you're participating.

It is unfair to you, though. He manipulated you, to an extent...

that's the BAD news...

the "good" news is... he's found a way to get his needs met... ie. Since you wouldn't communicate with him in the past, something that obviously was what he needed (perhaps he's a quality time kind of guy), then he is using "bad" quality time... something is better than nothing perhaps, for him...

So stop the cycle... stop playing...

When he starts being all nicey, nicey... find a way to trigger yourself to spend some time with him in that frame... maybe 5 minutes... 10... you gauge based on what he has been doing... the amount of time it generally takes him to get to the "bad" stuff...

And before that ends, have some THING that you have to go to... to attend to... leave the conversation while it's on a good note, not on a bad note...

Change the pattern by changing YOUR pattern...

Eventually, he may stop trying to butter you up in order to have the bad convo. And he'll go straight to the bad convo, at which time you can simply mention that is for the Ls to take care of.

Both you and he are conditioning yourselves to have only GOOD quality time. The "tough talks" are no longer on the table, because your H wants a D. There's no need to "work things out" between the two of you. Focus on GOOD talks and GOOD time.

I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt... that's worked for me...

Also, I do not understand why you are taking on the job of working towards something HE wants and something that until at least recently, you did not...

You focusing on getting everything ready for the D... why are you doing that? Do you think that by doing all of this and getting things done quickly and efficiently, that this will end the problems?

And I don't think so. I think... and correct me if I'm wrong... that you are now quite angry... and I think it might be more accurate to say "livid" with your H. So you are just doing this and no longer just helping the D move along, but making things happen as quick as you can... because you are done... because of the anger...

So right now, that's "more of the same"...

So perhaps on that one, you can stop DOING towards the D until and unless you are requested to by your L and the proceedings.

Just because you are ready to D... just because your are done... doesn't mean that you have to start doing the D...

It sounds like you're owning it...

Tell me I'm wrong and I'll be OK with that...

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I hear you on not doing the work of the D. I have not done anything until recently but talk to my L. I have to run out soon but wanted to clarify that I am working toward settlement stuff now bc stbx is trying to rush to have our house put on the market in early sept. In fact the other day I called him out on doing zero toward the D all summer and now trying to rush this part. I said I was not going to rush to a major decision like that.

I recently decided I want to explore buying him out of the house and taking it on myself. To figure out how much it will be to do that I need to see where we stand to see if there's going to be something to offset his equity share or help me finance this. That is where I am looking now, and I need his financial info to do it.

I'll try to address your other excellent thoughts later tonight or tomorrow when I am not on my phone!

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