Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 12 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 11 12
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
Kenva - sounds like it is time to reevaluate where you are and what you want to do. You might want to reread the DR/DB books again and see if there is something different you should be doing.

How have things been going as far as goal achievement is concerned? What are those goals by the way? If you don't have any, you should get some down on paper and start working towards meeting those goals.

A year is a long time but it is by no means a record. Keep standing but think about what needs to be done differently and then do it.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: kenva
So was this a test? Can anyone tell me how to respond to any of her tests.


she wanted a sip and felt familiar enough to take one. No more than that.

She knows what to say IF she changes her mind and that "Sign" is nothing more than her wanting to taste your drink or soothe her throat.

Back way off. make A LOT of plans for whenever she's gone...you are far too focussed on what SHE is doing/saying.

I'm also guessing she does not qualify for the house.

What does your lawyer say? There is no reason for you NOT to see one just to know your rights. Information is power.

And if you have been m for 9 years and dated 6 years first, you may be the first real r she has had. That's a LONG courtship...

what were you like when she fell in love w/you?

Be that guy again.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 214
K
kenva Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 214
Some of my goals were to start excersising and feel good. I did,I do and I look good. I am down 20lbs since this all started a year ago. I have changed my haircut, to a buzz cut. I have given her more space. I spend more time alone with our s. I go out on the weekends till about 1am, sometimes twice.I have come up with different activities to do w our s,which I hope makes her feel left out.
The other day I thanked her for her doing her own thing, after dinner going to her room leaving s and I alone time. Told her it made it easier on me with the situation, not doing things together to give me hope. A week now after that, she has warmed up a little. Not doing things together, but not being as evil as she was before, communicating more at dinner, which is the only time we are near each other.Yesterday, a package from the mortgage com. was delivered and is still sitting on the front door step. I am NOT bringing it in. Waiting to see what she is going to say is in there. DID she qualify or not?
Still, I am living on pins and needles everyday,basically crying myself to sleep, with whatever sleep I still get. I was down when I saw the package,but trying to lift my spirits up and work on DB and win my wife back.


M 43
W 35
S 6
BD 7-11
Served 5-2-13
Sep agree signed 5-12-14
Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14
Divorce hearing set May 2
Divorced May 2
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 214
K
kenva Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 214
So I told the W I would respect her by giving her her space, she responded, " I figured you would." She also tells me that she is sorry that there is no intimacy with me, just friendship. That she is in limbo now, because she thinks she has been approved to fincance the house on her own, but she is having a hard time getting the mortgage agent to follow up with her. Our son keeps making comments for the three of us to do things together, which we havent been. I would take him out for fun one day of the weekend and she would the next. I have been trying to bring up converstation at dinner, which sometimes she responds w 2 to 3 sentences and other times it carries on for a bit. I am trying to be her friend again. My mother-in-law wants me to flirt with her a little, to show her that I am still interested in her. I have done a few things around the house to show her I still care.


M 43
W 35
S 6
BD 7-11
Served 5-2-13
Sep agree signed 5-12-14
Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14
Divorce hearing set May 2
Divorced May 2
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 214
K
kenva Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 214
WOW, going on 14 months of separated but still living in the same house. She is still hot/cold and still seeing the OM, which she still doesnt know that I know about him. My kids and I have had outings with members of her family, without her. She was a little anoid when she found out, but her family has opened their homes to me for anything, and disagree with the way she is acting.Knowing that makes me feel really good inside, but not using them to get them on my side to go against wife. DB counsler sais I am doing better than I think, but this is still very hard and fustrating. Dinners together as a family every night, but always doing things apart with kids on the weekends.


M 43
W 35
S 6
BD 7-11
Served 5-2-13
Sep agree signed 5-12-14
Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14
Divorce hearing set May 2
Divorced May 2
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
Originally Posted By: kenva
We have now been separated 10 months. We still eat dinner together. I stopped telling her have a good day when I leave, only saying "See Ya", and the other day, she turns and tells me to have a good day. The other morning when she got up, I was in the study working, I didn't say anything to her like I used to. She started making yawning noises in the other room. Five min went by, I got more coffee and then told her good morning. Pretty obvious she was maybe trying to get my attention. I replaced some pics of us in the room I am sleeping in w other ones.What else can I do to detach myself from her, being in the same house? On her trip for the weekend, I left it alone, telling her last week that I would like to go. Guess she was expecting me to bring it up again, and I didn't.


kenva,

What you are doing takes a psychological stripping out of you. No matter how you compartamentalize it. I wanted others that have done the same thing to comment whether they were able to live with the WAS and not take any damage.

I didn't start healing till she got out of my space.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 214
K
kenva Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 214
I dont't know how to handle this. W this morning tells me she has been approved for a mortgage to take over the house, but isn't final yet without the appraisel, and hasn't set a closing date. She sais we need to talk about this or the lawyers could. I paused and told her that I hope you will be happy with your decision. She sais, " Are you just saying that, or are you really over it?" I responded, " This is what you want." I desperatly set up an appointment with Chuck for tom. WOW, right before Xmas.


M 43
W 35
S 6
BD 7-11
Served 5-2-13
Sep agree signed 5-12-14
Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14
Divorce hearing set May 2
Divorced May 2
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 214
K
kenva Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 214
Dont know if its a good thing or not, but w is reading DB.


M 43
W 35
S 6
BD 7-11
Served 5-2-13
Sep agree signed 5-12-14
Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14
Divorce hearing set May 2
Divorced May 2
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 214
K
kenva Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 214
Wife came home from work and looked really good. I told her she looked nice and atleast I got a thanks. Haven't told her that in a while. She's been cold.


M 43
W 35
S 6
BD 7-11
Served 5-2-13
Sep agree signed 5-12-14
Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14
Divorce hearing set May 2
Divorced May 2
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 29
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 29
Originally Posted By: kenva
Dont know if its a good thing or not, but w is reading DB.


I'm a newbie here but I can't see how this would be a good thing. Like she has your playbook! If it was a diff marrrige saving book maybe. This just seems odd. I found out my wife read " letting go of mr married" or something like that and I drew a little hope from that. The OM was married and my W never read a book in our whole M.

But dealing with this for 14 months my hats off to you. I only lasted 8-10 mo in the same house. Now I kinda wish I would have kept my head down a little longer and fought the good fight while living togethor. I'm working on detaching but the loneliness is killer..

Page 7 of 12 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard