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Joined: May 2012
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Update/Journal:

I thought if the OM was gone, everything would be fine. I detached/went dim/GAL just waiting it out. I believe OM is gone. SIL told me today at FIL birthday lunch that W and OM haven't done anything (dates) in over a week. Told me how the W is complaining about him. She told me that W feels "I am a problem solver, I care about her day when she talks about work and I always want to do things". W has to plan the events with OM. OM doesn't validate her. OM has no ambition.

Side note: I got a promotion at work that is $20,000 more a year. I now make 2x what I made one year ago and have nights and weekends off. If I had this job a year ago, would this have even happened with my M? I can't waste time dwelling on that and am just going to keep moving forward.

Then SIL said something that shocked me. She said that when this started she asked if W thought she and I would get back together. She said no. SIL says W is saying maybe now. I never thought W felt that way. I always believed it was just a matter of time. I think my GAL and 180s worked wonders.

Going dark didn't work at all for me this week. I ended up seeing and spending time with her every day. We even have plans to start taking dance lessons together.

Friday:
Went to an event for S13. Afterwards we decided to meet out for a couple of drinks. It went well, but not as well as Wednesday. Just good conversation and time together. Rebuilding a friendship/relationship? We went to a bar that had dancing and she wanted to dance with me. (I suck at dancing).

Saturday:
Went on my trip with a buddy (W cousin) but we decided to come back early and go out and watch the UFC fight. I sent W a text that I was going to watch it and she wanted to come.

Two of her other cousins were out that night and we decided to meet up with them (Me, W and W cousin). We had a great time. This time, she pulled me onto the dance floor many times and I did better.


Years ago when Dancing with the Stars first came out, we talked about taking lessons. It is something she has always wanted to do. I told her we should start taking lessons and she is very excited about that. We also made some plans for some out of town trips. In the past, she was adamant about separate beds, but now that isn't an issue. She used to always have to add "I am not having sex with you". Last night, she flirted with me about ML.


I don't want to Tommy Boy my sale here. I think we are making some progress but I gotta hold back. On the one hand, I think I have to make her miss me and come to me (but she does initiate a lot of our meet ups/dates). On the other hand, she has reminded me that it is my persistence that won her over the first time.

She brings up how it was when we first started dating a lot. Wasn't attracted to me (like now). How I won her over by just being me. She also has brought up how she did the wrong thing with the OM on multiple occasions. How she was wrong to do it, how it is a bad thing to do.


I am trying not to get too excited and trying not to have any expectations, but it is tough. Am I supposed to fan the flame or let the fire grow on its own?

For anyone doubting the benefits of GAL and 180, let me tell you that in my situation, it has been incredible. I am a happier person even when I suspect the W is with the OM. What the W does doesn't bother me like it used to.


M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
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Posts: 623
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I'm glad things are going so well for you. I would echo the same thing you said that you should try to pull back just a little. Mystery can be a powerful thing...

It's encouraging to read your thread and I hope so much that things keep progressing in a positive direction for you. Thanks for continuing to post. smile


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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I think a major issue with this is that we all have our goals and signs of what we think is progress. For me, I thought OM being gone would be the sign.

Now that OM is basically gone, I don't think that is the sign anymore. Yes, W and I are spending a lot of time together and having a lot of fun. She sees me as a fun person to be around again instead of the vision she had where she couldn't see herself with me because I let myself go, never wanted to do anything, etc.

What I need now is the emotional connection again, which is what I miss the most. During the courtship years ago up until the bomb, she was the first and last person I talked to everyday. I miss this. I want to get to a point where we tell each other good night.

I am going to have to pull back a bit and let the connection grow. I can see staying on this current path and probably ending back up together, but is that the best option? To be together just because we got used to being around each other again?

I want/need my W to have that moment when she realizes she wants me and not just being together again because of habit or I think I will be right back on this forum again.

Thanks everyone that has followed my sitch and offered advice and 2x4s.


M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 149
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Good post, we think alike...


Me: 37 W:33
S: 2
M: 9/5/09
Suspected: 1/7/12
Confirmed: 2/10/12
Served: 3/29/12
W moved out 3/30/12
First court 5/17/12
HELP!
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One thing my friend is to make sure your both ready to work. It will not work if one of you is working and the other is just back.

Take your time.

And do not fall head over heals again until she falls head over heals as well.

This is where the 37 rules really come into play. Take it slow. Build off the positive. Discuss the negative to over come or toss away.

Do not back peddle on your growth at this time. Old habits will spring out for both of you. So squash them. Learn from them.

And do not give up your newly found self esteem. You have struggled greatly to get it.

I will say a prayer for you two tonight.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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I was needing to hear this tonight, chatterbug. Thank you!


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: May 2012
Posts: 186
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W came over for dinner last night. First time we have sat down with the Ds for a meal (not including events) since May 4.

After dinner D13 took D3 and D4 outside to play leaving W and I alone. More good conversation and joking. We talked about going out of town together next weekend and other trips we would like to do. We have another trip planned for August already. We have a trip planned for October. She seems happy to plan trips in the future together.

She talked more about her tonight. How since she turned 30 things have been different for her. Her sex drive is higher. She talked about how it is nice making her own money and not depending on someone else. She mentioned again how I should sleep with someone else. I always brush it off, but WTF. Is she saying this so she won't feel guilty for doing it to me or is she saying it because she wants me to move on?

She said that she was worried about me when this first happened, but she can see how I am in a much better place now. I am happier and more confident.

We talked about my promotion. I told her I was going to buy a car, something nice. She said she wanted to go with me when I did that. I told her I was going to go all out on a new bed, king size, high thread count sheets, etc. I flirted with her that I would give her the option to be my first in the new bed. She flirted back.

We finished two bottles of wine. She stayed until around 10 and helped me clean up despite me telling her I would take care of everything. Just hugs and kisses on the lips.

CURRENT FEARS
Friend-zone

I am approaching this like we are dating again for the first time. I have no expectations of what to receive physically. I have no timeline.

My buddy says I need to start treating it as such and start being a d!ck, no more Mr. Nice Guy. She already thinks we are best friends and I need to remind her at times that I want more.

Sticking to my plan of GAL. When I don't have the Ds, I do something for me. Slowing starting to text the W a little more, simple stuff asking how her day is going.


M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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Uh, she really sees this as a game. Why in the world, if she wanted to be with you and only you would she want you to sleep with someone else? I think you're making yourself too available and open to her. Take it down a notch.

Can you go no contact for a while so she can at least start to miss you and realize what she's losing? Right now she has you right where she wants you and she KNOWS it.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: May 2012
Posts: 186
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Posts: 186
I don't believe she sees this as a game. She has made no indication that we are working on R or she even wants to do it at this point. I have made no requests to work on R or talk about R. I don't know if I want to do it at this point.

Only thing said is that she is going through something and is enjoying the independence. She no longer asks me for anything and I don't offer.

There isn't jack I can do about that. I have to let her go on this journey. And she knows what the ramifications of her actions will be.

Two months ago, could I say I would be ok without my W? Not a chance. I was in bad shape.

Today, I know that I do not need her to be happy.


My W and I disconnected over the past few years. I couldn't see it until this happened, but now I see it clearly. I was more concerned with providing for the family than anything else. No vacations, wouldn't take off work, didn't do anything for myself, etc. I was a slave to providing.

I lost sight of who I was. Take my W and Ds out of the equation and I have zero memories of anything fun I did in the past 5 years. I remember turning down countless invitations from buddies until it got to the point I wasn't invited anymore because they knew I would say no.


I don't think this is about me and W getting back together right now. This is about me and making me happier and better. I plan events for me. If the W or a buddy wants to come, cool. If not, I am still going. I am no longer going to be dependent on others for my happiness.


M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
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No longer going to be dependent on other for my happiness.....


I love this!


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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