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from NLW


Quote:
H is depressed MLC. Abandons me and 2 teen kids for 20 y-old's lifestyle, including A.
Amasses huge debts over last 5 years. Anger/shame/guilt interspersed with short periods of normalcy. My gut says he still loves us and, at one level, wants to come back.
Visits home everyday when dropping kids after school pick-up. Is still hiding A from me, kids and his family.

I need help with balancing LRT and showing him acceptance, keeping the road home paved and smooth.

The more I withdraw, the more H does. The nicer and more 'normal' I am towards him, the nicer and more normal he is to me.

Constant flashpoint is ongoing financial disaster. It's the source of his claim that he ruined my life, and defines him as a 'failure'. Has referred to himself as a scumbag and adulterer.

Unsure how to deal with his sense of worthlessness. NC is likely to produce greater sense of rejection.

Last edited by dbmod; 06/29/12 12:03 AM.

sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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sgctxok Offline OP
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So i SUGGEST a vet with experience with one or more of the following:

*LRT
*affair
*depression


sg
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NLW,

I have been trying to catch up with your story.

I have a little bit more to read and then I will post some ideas.

Cat



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Oh Cat, Thank You!

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Cat,

I just wanted to chime in, and then I will let the two of you get down to business. Thank you for taking the time to mentor NLW! She is a very special and loving lady, wife, mother and daughter and will benefit greatly from some true "vet" help!

NLW...I am wishing only the very best for YOU...with or without your spouse. I know in my heart either way you and your kids will prosper. I'll be checking on your sitch, and if there's ever any way I can help...just reach out.

Take care! Ncl


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NLW,

Ok I have read most of your threads.

I understand you want help balancing LRT and keeping the road home paved and smooth.

It isn't up to you to "deal" with his sense of worthlessness. That is something that he is going to have to figure out for himself.

However, if you wish to keep the road home paved, it is up to you to try not to contribute to increasing his sense of worthlessness.

Validation is something that helps with that. Do you understand what validation is?

I am curious what your true feelings about it are. And how you have dealt/are dealing with them.

Keeping your feelings locked inside is simply a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. However, taking them out on your H, would be a bad move right now.

I also realize that you recently found out he has been with OW again.

How do you feel about that?

Truly feel, not DB speak.

And is that something that you can forgive him for as well as the financial destruction...

These are things that you should address with yourself now...

Something that doesn't get said enough around here is that our true feelings show. No matter how hard we try to hide them, they are there under the surface and they reflect in the sincerity of everything that we do.

When I finally was able to release my anger, find forgivness, find compassion for all the stuff that my X did that hurt me, that was when our relationship truly began to improve.

As we find that peace, our detatchment also comes and that helps to have a relationship that can have contact. Which then allows them to really see the changes that we have made.

So where do you want to start?

Can you be more specific in what you feel you are having difficulty with?



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Originally Posted By: cat04
NLW,

It isn't up to you to "deal" with his sense of worthlessness. That is something that he is going to have to figure out for himself.

Hi Cat, Thanks so much for the time and effort you've put in - truly humbling.

Good point about his feeling worthless - I can't fix this for him.

Hard to stand by and watch him suffer, but as you say below, validation is a way not to increase this.


However, if you wish to keep the road home paved, it is up to you to try not to contribute to increasing his sense of worthlessness.

Validation is something that helps with that. Do you understand what validation is?
I think I do. I am aware that in the past I took him for granted and did not tell him when he was doing something good/worthwhile/effortful. My default position is to assume that everyone should do these things anyway - put in the effort/ do what's required/ achieve/keep trying until you succeed whatever the odds...

My H didn't grow up this way. His family mantra was just 'do whatever makes you happy dear' - and there was no history of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.

So now I am mindful to recognise what he does that constitutes effort/time on our behalf. I tell him that I appreciate what he is doing (when this is relevant); I reinforce his choices to do stuff that he wants to do (good on you for playing football; how great to go sailing, etc).


I am curious what your true feelings about it are. And how you have dealt/are dealing with them.

Keeping your feelings locked inside is simply a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. However, taking them out on your H, would be a bad move right now.

Yes, I agree and have recognised this as something I hadn't dealt with well in the first 6-7 months of my journey here. At first I thought that i was just able to vent on here and act as if to H.
But in the last couple of months I think I'm starting to get the idea of the importance of true forgiveness - nothing will work if that's not truly there.

And I think I can offer him unconditional love. My only reservation at the moment is that I can't quite commit to saying "I love you enough to let you go".

I still want to attach a rider to the effect: "because I know you will come back to us in the end".
So my love isn't quite 'unconditional' yet.


I also realize that you recently found out he has been with OW again.

How do you feel about that?

Truly feel, not DB speak.

And is that something that you can forgive him for as well as the financial destruction...

These are things that you should address with yourself now...

I was devastated to find out that H was really back with OW.

I have thought hard about it and I can accept that it is just part of the whole MLC experiment. In one sense I'm glad that my H is so 'classic' in his behaviour. It makes it much easier for me to think about what he is doing as something he has little control over. It's a process that he has to move through like so many others before him, and OW is a standard part of this.

It helps that he's told me before that she is not someone that he really feels much connection with - that she is just a sop for his wounded feelings and is someone who flatters him and makes him feel better about himself.
It also helps to know that she has no idea of his financial situation, and would probably dump him like a hot potato if she found out.


Something that doesn't get said enough around here is that our true feelings show. No matter how hard we try to hide them, they are there under the surface and they reflect in the sincerity of everything that we do.

Yes, I've seen this creep into my interactions with H from time to time - an edge to my voice; some displeasure coming out when i don't get my own way; obvious disappointment when my expectations aren't met.

But I'm getting more aware of myself in this regard, and accepting that until I can eliminate expectation, show him compassion and unconditional forgiveness, I won't really have changed my pattern of interacting with him, and he'll just experience it as more of the old: "I always disappoint you".


When I finally was able to release my anger, find forgivness, find compassion for all the stuff that my X did that hurt me, that was when our relationship truly began to improve.

As we find that peace, our detatchment also comes and that helps to have a relationship that can have contact. Which then allows them to really see the changes that we have made.

Yes, this is my big-picture goal at the moment.

So where do you want to start?

Can you be more specific in what you feel you are having difficulty with?

Ok. It relates to the idea that I read about when others report what their DB coaches have advised (and also what I read about from SOME successful piecers (like AliSuddenly, ButtterflyMom). And this is along the lines of 'be the OW', be nice and make home a warm, welcoming place to be. Show him that M to you would be different from now on.

OTOH, my H can be seen as cake eating and I can be seen as facilitating this. Not much has changed in my sitch in the last 10 months (aside from his anger having diminished). Many posters here suggest I need to formalise his visitation rights, go dark or even NC, and make him realise what he is going to miss in divorcing me.

So I am a bit stuck to know whether I am being too accommodating and thus just allowing the status quo of a 'faux' marriage to me to continue with little downside for him, or whether i am actually on the right track, but need to give things enough time so that he can begin to trust my changes.

My gut says he wants to come back (but I would say that!). I believe he was so hurt by me, in part, because he loved me so much. And now he feels he could not survive being hurt again if he was to come back.

I also think he has a really strong need to show me how much I hurt him by punishing me by the things he does (his choice of OW) and his apparent callousness (that is SO out of character for him).

He appears stuck, in the sense that he can't stop coming home almost every day (i.e., he seems to want to have the daily contact with ME because he could just drop the kids and go) and yet he is in a semi-public R with OW and is too embarrassed to be seen with me in most public situations, including any school events for the children or activities other than going to the local dog park 'en famille'.



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Nlw,

Bad storm last night where I am. No power. Doing this from the phone.

Will post more when everything is working again.



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Hi Cat, No worries at all. Thanks for letting me know.

Hope everything is OK for you after the storm.

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do you want this thread 'stuck' or is it ok to unstick?


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