Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 19 of 20 1 2 17 18 19 20
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 981
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 981
Tough stuff Breakdown. To me it sounds like your wife is doing a bit of cake eating. I can see a lot of me in her, in what you say about her behavior. She sounds like she's can be a little selfish, and that she holds the threat of a D over your head to "keep you in line". She can pull that ace out of her sleeve whenever she wants. One reason why I told my H to just go and get a D was so that he couldn't do that to me anymore.

The drinking thing is a little concerning too. This is also something I used to do when I was working. OM2 was a big drinker (problem avoider) so he would always try to get me to go drinking with him, an offer I cautiously accepted a time or two. It was fun, he made me feel good, I felt like I was in college again. In fact, the night that the S hit the fan, I had been drinking and I was actually at my college reunion. So I bet there is a bit of that "pining for lost youth" going on with her. She probably enjoys being the center of attention when she is with those men.

I do not think she will go through with the D. She seems to want to be with you and work things out, though it appears that she's still seeking or yearning or feels incomplete somehow. If you could find a way to get to the bottom of this with her, she might open up to you. She might not be aware of any of this btw.

I'm glad we can be there for each other to help interpret our respective spouse's behavior!!


Me43, H43
M 11, T 14
S10, S8
OA (me) 4-6/12
S 6/12 - 9/12
Piecing 1/13

Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.

"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
Mach, you're right on the boundaries. I need to revisit that.

Regret, I appreciate your insight as well.

I think it's probably time to check in with my DB coach again too. I'm feeling a little lost in terms of what I should be doing here.

Journal:

We had a decent discussion this morning about it all, and agreed to talk more later. She told me the reason she got so upset was because I showed her who I used to be and it just reinforced her belief that people are who they are.

She said quite a few things that made sense, and I agreed with. Other things were a little more cryptic like she's never going to be able to truly be herself unless we are divorced and she feels that my "not controlling her" was a way to control her and even "someone else will make me more happy long term."


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
"someone else will make me more happy long term."


I should have written that a bit different. She was saying that about me, not herself. It was kinda one of those "you deserve better" lines.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 981
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 981
"you deserve better" is such a cop out IMO... I think your wife is having a bit of a MLC to tell you the truth...


Me43, H43
M 11, T 14
S10, S8
OA (me) 4-6/12
S 6/12 - 9/12
Piecing 1/13

Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.

"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
"you deserve better" is such a cop out IMO... I think your wife is having a bit of a MLC to tell you the truth...


Completely agree on both counts.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,352
hi breakdown,

i was reading your thread and noticed the stuff about being controlling.

MWD had a great post on her fb page about that:

People often accuse their partners of being "controlling." Some people ARE controlling. However, show me a marriage where one spouse is considered controlling and I will show you a marriage where the other spouse often fails to take a strong stand on things that are important to him or her OR simply stuffs feelings inside so the "controlling" spouse remains in the dark. If someone is in the dark about their partners' true feelings, they can't take those feelings into account. If you have a "controlling spouse," learn how to stand your ground or draw a line in the sand. Divorce doesn't solve the problem. Working on it does. - Michele Weiner-Davis (via @ Divorce Busting)

I wish I had understood that a long time ago.

All the best to you, breakdown.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
Thanks Needgrace! That is an awesome snip-it!


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
Roller coaster continues.

We booked a cruise for the family for December. I was worried about the expense, but W really wanted to do it and indicated she had some things in the works that would cover it so I agreed.

Last night I went out with my B for a late lunch and I ended up in a foul mood. I started worrying about some things and my anxiety level just got high. I snapped at my W when she got home, but apologized multiple times and tried to explain why I was in a bad mood. Discussion eventually turned into a relationship discussion, and it ended with both of us angry.

As I rehash the discussion in my head, we seem to go round and round about the same couple of things without any progress:

- my poor behavior for the first part of our M (honestly, this can go on and on with different details each time, but ultimately it's the same discussion with me simply agreeing)

- W's unwillingness to forgive me and her continued resentment for said behaviors (ultimately, that's her decision and she has to live with it)

- W's lack of any responsibility for anything negative in the M (again, I don't have to like it, but this is on W)

- me wanting a commitment to try to work thru issues without constant threat of D (W simply says she's not willing at this time)

So this brings me to the need for commitment. Is this my insecurity rearing it's head? I think it is...along with my need to "fix it." So there I have it...old issues resurfaced resulting in a crappy discussion with W.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 981
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 981
I just want to say that you are absolutely entitled to your need for commitment. We need that in our R's - we need to feel safe, we need to feel that the person that we are investing in is doing so in return. If we don't feel that reciprocal commitment, it can be really disheartening. I think we can all stand a little limbo for a while, but you've been at it for some time now, and that must be getting old. It isn't insecurity. Marriage is based on a commitment and you have every right to want to know exactly where you stand.

I know that putting aside the R discussions helped (for a while) in my sitch. But your W clearly hasn't been able to work things through on her side enough to forgive your sins of the past. I fear the same in my M... that my H will not ever be able to forgive my past sins.

I wonder if you trying to get to a more detached place will be of value to you. You have done tremendous work. You have been diligently working to resolve your own issues and to put your M at the center of your life. This isn't to be taken lightly and if she says it's not enough, then I think you have some hard thinking to do. Because from what I've seen, you've made incredible progress and are doing as much as you can to create a better M going forward.

You can't change the past. She can't change the past. All you can do is create an environment so that you don't repeat the mistakes of the past. And you can apologize for the mistakes of the past and promise to do better. It is truly on her if she can't accept that.


Me43, H43
M 11, T 14
S10, S8
OA (me) 4-6/12
S 6/12 - 9/12
Piecing 1/13

Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.

"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
Thanks Regret. I truly appreciate the support and words of encouragement.

Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
I just want to say that you are absolutely entitled to your need for commitment. We need that in our R's - we need to feel safe, we need to feel that the person that we are investing in is doing so in return. If we don't feel that reciprocal commitment, it can be really disheartening. I think we can all stand a little limbo for a while, but you've been at it for some time now, and that must be getting old. It isn't insecurity. Marriage is based on a commitment and you have every right to want to know exactly where you stand.


I agree, and this was my first thought, but I think I was hiding my insecurity behind it. When I focus on living for the now, enjoying every moment, my life has been pretty awesome. W may say she isn't ready to re-commit, but when it's as good as it has been, who cares. The more I push for commitment, the more she runs from it so I have to let it go unless it's a deal breaker for me right now.

Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
You can't change the past. She can't change the past. All you can do is create an environment so that you don't repeat the mistakes of the past. And you can apologize for the mistakes of the past and promise to do better. It is truly on her if she can't accept that.


Totally agree, and have tried to explain as much. Retrouvaille said the same thing. I even turned this one around on my W last night. She wants to let this whole financial thing with OM go because "it's done and we can't do anything to change it now." So I said, and how is that different from all the things you are still mad at me about? She didn't have an answer, and I really hope she thinks on it.

All that said, I did apologize to W via text this morning and told her I thought my insecurity won out the best of me yesterday....whether it be about our financials, our M, our car, or whatever. For the first time ever, she told me "forgiven." I was in shock. She even said she was anxious and quick to anger last night too. So an apology and taking some responsibility....promising.

Time for some P90X with my kiddos and some ab work! That cruise is around the corner and I'm gonna look damn good for it!


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
Page 19 of 20 1 2 17 18 19 20

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard