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AJM Offline
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It doesn't hurt to ask your family too, does it? They need to get over it as well as you do. You may be leading the group, but it needs to happen. They will want a way to help you too smile

Just asking. I don't know your family...

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hi AJM!
IT'S MY BDAY!!! WHOO HOO!!! LOL!

I would love to get some of your great advice as a present to me smile

There are quite a few family events coming up that I would really like my family (brother and sister) to celebrate. Problem is there still anti-H. They don't want to be in the same room as him and there body language is obvious. I'm feeling a lot of resentment towards my family for making this sitch even more difficult for me. D1 is celebrating her 1st bday on Thurs. I decided to have lunch with a few people (excluding them since H and MIL, SIL, BIL will be there). And we would like to baptize D1 soon but I've been holding off hoping that my bro and sis would put their differences aside. Also, S4 will have surgery next wednesday and I would really like my family to be there but I need to focus on my son not my family's issues with H being there. So I decided they will not be coming to the hospital or visiting the week of his recovery at home.

It's heart wrenching, but I also feel a lot of anger towards them. I'm angry that I told them all the details of Hs affair. I'm angry that I included them in my sitch. It gave them the right to give their opinion and criticize. Now they feel self-righteous. HELP! How can I have compassion for family and free myself of this resentment towards them?


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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Happy birthday!!!
Ah family, right? smile

First thing I noticed about family and friends that care: they want you to stop being hurt.

That said, if you want them to be ok with the situation, you have to lead the way, right? You have to let them know you're doing something and you want them to support YOU. They have their feelings and that is perfectly valid. But what they really need to do is respect your feelings even more. That's family. Nobody knows the future. Nobody can say what you are doing is wrong or right (except you) and nobody will know for another 20 years.

In the meantime, focus on your son. Ask for your family's support of YOU and your kids. Ask them to put it aside for YOU if that's what YOU want.

Make sense?

Happy birthday again. May you have many happy birthdays!!!

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
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I'm worried. Things are so good that I'm started to have expectations again! It's kinda like I'm on this boat and I'm letting it take me wherever the wind blows but I'm scared.

By good I mean:
H is on summer break so he's planning more family outings. Before it was 2-3 a week now it's almost everyday! Our communication is more open. We are more relaxed around each other. He has stopped talking about our future apart. Whenever I get triggers or obsess about my sitch I pray and it all goes really really well. I'm not pulling away, I'm just going with the flow and it scares me.

I'm afraid I will find out something that will make me come crashing down. Ex. He's still seeing her (which is probably true); He just wants to be around his kids more and my company makes that easier for him. Whatever the case may be, I feel vulnerable and it scares the cr@p out of me!


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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V, what I see when I read this is that it is a good thing to have those emotions. Why?

More open communication.
More time together.

Being afraid is part of this journey. It means you care. smile

One thing to keep in mind is that the order of how things work won't be the way you would logically think about it.

My suggestion is to do what you know - go with the flow, don't interfere (so to speak) and see where it goes. You may be surprised to find what it looks like to see that it's always darkest before the dawn. One thing to say it, another to live it, right?

Be at peace and let things happen as they happen.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
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AJM- I have tattooed what you said
it's always darkest before the dawn

WOW! You are right! Last night I started meditating. I have been allowing my thoughts to consume me and my emotions take control. I need to add some things that I have learned about myself and H in this sitch.

H is a caregiver, knight in shining armor. He said that what he liked about OW is that she made him feel like he could take care of her. Her exH continues to beat her even after they divorced years ago. H loved to console her. Said she'd cry because exH had raped her and put a gun to her. (exH was a cop).

H and his mom are VERY codependent. He said his therapist is helping him to detach from his mom. I have seen a few signs here and there but they are still very attached at the hip (umbilical cord).

I am the controlling one. I am the perfectionist. I have high expectations and am always disappointed when things don't go how I expected. I have worked diligently on my 180s but once in a while revert to my old ways. H said he has seen my changes and gets very disappointed when I backslide.

Also, H loves to feel like a winner, loves affirmations! So when EVERYONE discovered the affair he was in a very deep depression. He said it hurt him to feel rejected by so many people all at once.

H recently said that he would have never pursued OW had we been separated before he had the affair.

I put too much focus on OW when we discuss R. He has told me that it's not about her. I have read she's just a symptom like alcohol is to alcoholism, but I have a hard time shaking it off.

Next, my resentment. I am working very hard on that. I come from a very very angry place as it is, before the affair. I use it like a weapon when I get angry, as I did this past week. I realized that my emotions got the best of me and I lashed out at him using the affair to attack him. It's his weak side and I win. I am not competitive but a very angry person.

You see, my father was the dominant and controlling one. My mother the passive wife. My father beat her and I always saw my mother as the doormat. I identified more with my father because it seemed like the best choice. (Mind you I realize I was very young when I decided to do this.) So in my relationships, my partners were my scapegoats. Whenever I felt down, I blamed them. I just realized that I blamed everyone but myself!

H said he thought I no longer loved him and so he detached. He said it was because of my anger and how I would lose respect for him. I would throw things; talk down to him in front of his family/friends, my family. These were all very hurtful to him because his LL was affirmation!

Man! writing all this is a real downer for me but therapeutic at the same time.

Now, things are different. I defend his presence in my home to my family. I speak highly of his fatherly role to his family. I praise him all the time! Today S4 had a tantrum. H handled it well. He said, man that could've gone so wrong if I allowed my anger to get to me and I would've felt so guilty. I stroked his shoulder (I never do this since affair) and said, you did good, you did real good smile

So why am I shpealing out all this info. I had previously written that I need help detaching and I don't think I want to anymore. I think I want to go in another direction. I guess I am detaching but I don't want to LRT or NC. I want to continue what I'm doing until I've run out of fuel.

I want to use my tools (meditation, prayer, journaling, calling al anon members, meetings) to GAL and continue moving in this new direction. Last night I felt so free because I put the kids to bed early and just focused on me. Trying to do the same again tonite.

btw. I'm nervous cuz H wants me to hang out a bit with his friends tomorrow. This is big. I'll tell you about it after cuz I think I just talked your ear off! LOL!


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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My ears can take a lot smile

How'd it go? I think you are very smart and figuring things out very well. Men I know always fight for support from those they love. In different ways of course, and many will do what they feel is right regardless of affirmation, but they all fight for support from their SO. It's what OW tend to give I suspect. That and a listening ear when they feel they don't get one.

Just my observation. I think you're doing great and really taking a stand for what you believe and what you want.

Looking forward to hearing about the next days...

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
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I have set 3 daily goals for myself. Check em out!

1- Do not gossip
2- Manage my anger
3- Manage the highs n lows

I realize I gossip with certain people where there isn't much to talk about. Especially with H. I have been better about not doing it with everyone else. Win for me!

My anger has done a number on me. I have blamed others for it when I realize it's my own fault! I carry too many expectations of everyone which only disappoints me and makes me angry. Also, I allow the triggers to get to me. Which leads me to...

My highs and lows still overwhelm my days. Not as much as a year ago however they do creep into my thoughts and I feel myself getting angry over assumptions. Ex. H probably lied to me about that meeting he has to go to...

Today I decided to work smarter on thought stopping. I gently slap my wrist each time I see myself going in that direction. It reminds me to stop and I notice how often I'm doing it which encourages me to thought stop sooner.

Also, I was about to detach with anger yesterday. I caught him looking at SILs friend in a way I can tell showed he liked looking at her. I was so angry I was distant with him. I know I shouldn't detach this way because it's not genuine so this morning I pulled myself together to stop.

Lately the way we talk is very open and our tone is almost at the point where we would say endearing words (but we don't). So him checking her out was a reality check for me to bring down my expectations. Crashing reality check.

I'm really really struggling with detaching (my expections). Any words of advice?


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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Advice? Keep doing what you're doing. Those steps are so totally awesome, but you need to keep them going for a while to become your norm. Stick with those goals for a bit longer until they become natural and then maybe add one or two and do the same thing.

I think you'll find that it becomes natural for you to be different in a way you really like.

I'm impressed by your steps. I really am.

Detaching is not an automatic process for most of us. Unless we're nuts. smile I agree that you should not use anger as your detachment mechanism. That's done out of pain vs. conscious thought. That's not controlling yourself, but rather reacting. As long as you react, you'll be spinning horribly or about to be spinning, right?

Keep on that path. You have the right approach and attitude and I think it's really good that you can have open conversations overall. Keep doing that.

I'm really impressed. Glad to hear the steps you're taking.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,167
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Today I practiced DB so well that I realized how hard it really is.

I found out about a lie H told and kept it to myself. The lie didn't harm anyone, I should add, just my trust (again). Before I would've called H about it. Frantically looking for some reassurance that he's not lying. Then I would've remembered his cover story and felt like a doormat for believing it. Just a vicious cycle that I would've created.

Instead, I kept it to myself. Lord was it hard. I'm still trying to recover from it. At least now after a some hours I can look back at the lie and see it as just that, a lie. Not a crisis, not a problem.

I will continue to DB my heart out! Lord knows I'm trying!


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
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