DB Bootcamp - zig and sgctxok, and various

[sgctxok]

Hi sg - please please don't apologize for the delay. you have a life too, and i am just so grateful that you are even here, to help in any way.


What have you been doing this week to take care of yourself?


i don't feel very successful on any area this week. I am bummed to say that i am still not pushing enough with my personal goals.

there is so much continuous emotional upheaval and i know that i need to retrain my brain to stop and switch my focus to something else controlling your thoughts is a powerful skill

i did do quite a bit better on monday and tuesday, but wed and thursday were not so successful. so ffocuson what you did RIGHT on Monday and Tuesday

I know what i need to do in my mind, but seem to be having a very hard time actually doing it. can't figure out what is holding me back so much.
We ALL struggle with that, don't beat yourself up, be proud of every little bit of improvement...because that's how it builds. Focus on what you do right.
Michele says that figure out our own answers (and she provides DB tools to help).

i'm aware that i am feeling quite lost in terms of motivating myself and seeing what i should work towards in my personal goals. the work thing is really going slowly, and i am now becoming aware that even though i am very talented, my belief system about my skills and what i can achieve with them is sadly lacking in self-confidence. I can tell you that the folks that are looked at as gurus are very proud of what they do right. They don't do everything right (including me)...even Michele doesn't DO everything right. It's just much harder to move forward when you're beating yourself up. Plety of other folks are all to ready to do that for you, too. Congratulate yourself/celebrate your successes. And you know what...confidence is attractive.

where are these tools that michele speaks about?

all of the skills in DB/DR, KLA and The Marriage Breakthrough.

i think now, that when i am real turning the focus away from h, i am seeing so much within myself that i need to work on.

i shall try harder tomorrow to focus more clearly on what to do. my list of to do things has grown so long ... shorten it to 2-3 things. When they are done it will be easy to add other things.

thank you for your help
zig

[sgctxok]

Hi sg,

great thread. thank you for your work on all of this.

i am so sorry about your collie. hugs to you ((( )))

I greatly appreciate that, need, it's much harder than I thought...dammit. I keep expecting her to be under my feet when I get up from the sofa or chair. It's funny that the one thing I hated -- the doghair -- is giving me a little joy right now, because now matter how much I vaccuum, it still isn't all gone.

[sgctxok]

hi sg - hope your'e feeling better today. ((( ))) thank you! I am better. I still miss her, but....time helps the intensity of focus on her

i think i reached one of my mini-goals.

h stopped by without calling and walked in (without knocking)

RUDE!

s and i were just sitting down to lunch with beautiful plates. he had brought the rest of s's stuff over. i happily thanked him and asked him if he wanted to hang out - and he sat down at the dining table with us and opened some mail.

a lot of direct eye contact - a little intense, and then after about 15 mins he said he had to go. sounding good

so, its been several months since he sat at the table with us - i could see he wasn't agonized and uncomfortable, so may casually ask him over to dinner next week or ask if he wants to come and fire up the bbq.
sometimes, just putting things in motion is better than the convo....why not be in the midst of a bbq when he shows up...would that work?
need to find some time to sit here and write out m goals again more clearly.

i have done much much better this morning - 2 big things off my list. i woke up and looked around and thought - this is okay - and actually felt serene for a few moments.
dont you love those moments!
there was a lot of stuff to work through this last week, some of it triggered by events around me, some of it actually triggered by this bootcamp project. Excellent--you are doing a great job...I enjoy working with you

hope you're well
zig

[sgctxok]

That is very exciting, zig!

I'm very happy for you. You have had this synchronicity of lifechanging opportunities and you are that rare person who will use it to 'power up' to become your highest self...or however you choose to say....improve....and there is no way that this won't positively affect every facet of your life--your relaitonships, your health, your inner peace, your job -- every bit of it. And I'm really happy to be a witness and we are blessed that you are posting here.


On a side note -- KLA (Keeping Love Alive) begins the same way -- challenging our beliefs about love and relationships and finding out what our partner really believes ... and how those two beliefs/perspectives DO NOT need to match to have a very happy relationship.

My partner and I do not have the same beliefs actually, and our relationship is very fulfilling: tender, loving, exciting and committed. But if we had to argue about the philosopy of such things...and if I thought we had to match (as I used to think) well, I'd end up angry, hurt and 'on the board' because I would have caused a rift. And believe me, I did in the early days. It doesn't make yo ubury your head in the sand. It makes you 'get real'. So I'm not saying all that because you need to hear it, just sharing because I think you can resonate. (Those KLA questions are on the KLA forum if you want them.)




You are doing great. I'm proud of you.

[dbmod]

do you want this thread 'stuck' or is it ok to unstick?

[zig]

i think i reached one of my mini-goals.

h stopped by without calling and walked in (without knocking)

RUDE!

i guess i should have explained. the doorbell doesn't work, and from the beginning h always knocked as he came in (he started it, i didn't ask). a couple of weeks ago i told him that his knocking always made me uncomfortable and that i preferred he didn't knck but just walked in. he protested saying i needed my space and he needed his, and i replied that i didn't need him to give me any space as i was quite fine with my space. he half joked about well hope you'll be knocking on my door, and i replied that i surely would, to which he replied - you don't have to do that.

here's my reasoning - until a few weeks ago, i had some really strong boundaries in place from the beginning - a lot of them to do with this house and how and when he could be in it. granted i needed them at the time, but what i finally realized was that making boundaries with the house was giving h a very strong message that i was NOT happy with what he was doing. every time he lifted his hand to knock on the door, reminded him of what he was doing and put him into the shame/guilt/agony state, so his entry into the house was always in that state. now when he just opens that door and walks in, he walks in in a different mood, relaxed - not having just heavily reminded himself (thus associating it with me and the house).

i haven't seen anything negative since i changed it and he isn't stopping by all the time - just that once - when he was bringing over some clothes for s and stuff that had got left at his parents after the party
so, its been several months since he sat at the table with us - i could see he wasn't agonized and uncomfortable, so may casually ask him over to dinner next week or ask if he wants to come and fire up the bbq.



sometimes, just putting things in motion is better than the convo....why not be in the midst of a bbq when he shows up...would that work?

don't know how to wangle that - he never stops by, especially at meal times.
update for today - we had tow very positive conversations on the phone this evening . at the end of the first, i casually threw out that we're having burritos for dinner and if he wants to stop by so he can see s, he's welcome to join us. after a very tiny hesitation he said - sounds good, let me call you back because my dad is just about to leave. he called back a bit later to say that he'd decided not to come because he wanted to keep on at the house especially since the temp had dropped and take advantage of the cool (it ripped over 20 degrees today which was such a relief). i just said fine no problem and we had a really positive conversation for about 10 mins about taxes (see, i'm getting good, grin). i wanted to make sure he felt absolutely no pressure about me saying no.


there was a lot of stuff to work through this last week, some of it triggered by events around me, some of it actually triggered by this bootcamp project. Excellent--you are doing a great job...I enjoy working with you

thanks sg - and i look forward to your replies
hope you're well
zig

[zig]

And I'm really happy to be a witness and we are blessed that you are posting here.

aw shucks sg, i think that we are all doing that.

i don't know what i'm doing - maybe i can't see as clearly as you guys are - but being called 'wonder woman" and 'rare' all in the same week..

wow - talk about having my tank filled - i'm practically preening here

oh and i guess i should add - that h - who was very worked up - on MY behalf today and went into full "i'm going to protect my family" mode - while he was going ballistic - blurted out something along the lines of "look at you - you've become this amazing super confident woman who has her [censored] completely together"

how's that for finding out that he's seeing something else. i can't say i didn't have a big fat cheesy grin on the other side of the phone!!

talk about wanting to "protect' me - he was all ready to go into full attack mode on my behalf and call this person and yell at them.

i fulfilled my new confident role, requested really calmly that i would like to deal with it first on my own, and if it didn't give a satisfactory result, then i would ask for his help. he replied that of course he wouldn't call unless i let him, but he was ready to do it right now.!!

i feel like i handled the whole thing really well with him - and i can't say i didn't take the opportunity to use what happened as a way to have a pretty connecting conversation with him. that is one subject that both of us have felt very strongly about for years.


challenging our beliefs about love and relationships and finding out what our partner really believes ... and how those two beliefs/perspectives DO NOT need to match to have a very happy relationship.


alright - so is this KLA a book, that i haven't heard about yet, or exercises or what? i need to get on this - mostly for myself

what you said resonates - and how you describe your r with your partner - puts a smile on my face. i am sooooo happy when i hear or read about successful r's - i'm so glad for you - and yes please, share all you like - i have a lot to learn.

i did bury my head in the sand - and now, when i realize the ways i did that in - i do NOT want to ever do that again - in any r, not just with h. now i want to inspect and challenge my own beliefs about what a r should be about - i feel that i am just getting to the point where i can explore that

thanks for the encouragement , sg -

also happy to say - that there have been what i think of as huge little shifts in my focus - in the last few days. i can feel things changing within me at the way i'm thinking about work more, the way i shift my thoughts when i start to think negatively into more positive ones, almost immediately and so feel that on a subtle level i have made a lot of progress within the area of "mind control"

the biggest progress i have made is in my PMA , i think and in detaching - not just from h but also from other things around me. i've also done much better in the way i'm handling subtle patterns within myself with s and with h - which has given me a boost of confidence.

so i am looking forward to the new week starting and really making progress

a sentence from my meditation tape:

Be eager about your life

thanks
zig

[sgctxok]

Girl you are rocking it! Good job!


KLA--Keeping Love Alive --

was my lifesaver. I read DB, and joined this site.

Then DR came out, then I took a KLA (Keeping Love Alive ) seminar (per the recommendation of KentS, a DBer.... and took it along with another DB website member)...the seminar was PACKED. ....I met Michele. The two of us women took it alone, without our loved ones... a lot of folks took the seminar as couples. (DB/DR is for one person; KLA works for an estranged partner or a couple; The Marriage Breakthrough is for couples)

MUCH MORE information than you asked for.

Michele liked my responses to a few folks. I became a moderator and got the KLA tapes. They are also available on CD/MP3 download. It's not that I DB better than anyone else. I just understand the DB principles and am committed to them. And they are successful for me in my life....my relationship with my partner (10 years+ strong and very very happy), with my children, and with my job. These skills are so transferable. And they are about love.


Again--I sense I'm preaching to the choir. You already get it. You should GIVE advice.

[zig]

not sure what you were referring to on the good job! but yeah, i'm definitely rocking it!! grin!!

in terms of getting it - oh no - i am a long way - you haven't seen me in between, in my "lesser moments"....but i will be proud to say that those lesser moments are getting lesser and lesser!!!

what i've finally gotten:

that i have to be determinedly happy anyway, whatever is going on around me, that i have to find the happiness in what i have already, not in what i am wanting to get - that's just extra.
that i can learn to give other people a lot of space and time
that others have the right to their opinion (hard one, i still slip up with s)
that i AM very capable of keeping my mouth shut (need to do that way more often)
that everything someone else says does NOT need a reply or opinion (still practicing)
that i don't have control over what others decide
that it's possible to be happy even if i don't get what i want

what i haven't gotten yet but really working on now

how to really listen and hear what the other person is really saying
how to be more sensitive,and soft and gentle (my sag personality causes me to be a foot in the north battering ram sort of chick, but learning to restrain that tendency!!)
how to understands where i'm at really and where others are at
how to not be judgmental about what others are doing even if i say i accept it
how to completely let go of other's decisions
how to really focus on the things that are important to my growth and independence - i've got the theory, but haven't fully put it into practice
how to take care of myself - i've always depended on other and still do

the list goes on, but that's a start. as for preaching to the choir - good grief - i think i'm giving too positive of an impression here.

but sg - i seriously wasn't expecting that caliber of a compliment from you. it's hard for me to acknowledge compliments still (yes i'm working on that too) - and i'm almost embarrassed that you wrote that (ok being really honest and open about how my own underlying lack of confidence makes me have that reaction)

besides if i'm honest - i don't feel that i am "db'ing" successfully in that h is still on his course. and then at the same time i realize that i am because of the place i have reached - and understanding that that's what db'ing is truly about - where i'm at

so KLA is a seminar, and you can get the tapes - i'm still not understanding - and you didn't give too much info at all - i'm a real info - intense person - love every detail!!


so even if you think i'm the choir - please please preach - this one is just walked in!!

zig

[sgctxok]

You deserve your compliments.


So here's my 2x4 ... our first connection was related to KLA:


KLA


I don't think Michele does KLA seminars anymore, but the CDs/MP3 workshops are still available.




But...the worksho is online on the link above...it is better if you have the audio -- vets who have done this go over it every ear or mso .... I knkow JackThreeBeans and his wife do, I do, and other oldtimers do