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sorry sg - i have read your answer to me several times, and have been waiting for today all week so that when this big party was over, i was going to sit and respond and focus on this.

but interesting thing i have found out about myself in the last few hours:

when things are going well or sort of well - i am very enthusiastic and able to keep a PMA and work towards my goals.

but when things are a bit discouraging or i don't see my current efforts always bringing positive feedback to me, I get very discouraged and give up.

This is not only to do with h and our sitch. This is the PATTERN of my life - with everything - work, play. relationships, every little interaction , all my efforts that i felt were thrown back at me in a way i didn't expect -and then i was crushed by them.

I'm actually very unsettled with finding this out for myself all of a sudden today - and i see it so clearly.

so it brings me to the present - and working on these goals, while i digest this new awareness. for the first time i am conscious, that oh gosh - i have to keep staying positive and not walk away from this after every disappointment - that is a HUGE growing up thing for me to deal with, and probably the biggest life lesson i need to learn here.

so since i just figured this out in the last 5 minutes, literally - i am a bit overwhelmed by it, and am just going to go meditate, and give it a chance to just flow through me and sit with it for a bit.

i trust, that as i go through it i will understand more how i need to accept this as a life lesson and be okay with it . i'm already now, eager to find out how i CAN be capable of changing this within myself and for now, all i can think of as a goal is:

My goal is to not get discouraged with every small thing that happens and still keep the faith in spite of external circumstances.

thanks

zig

ps. i will still get back to the other ones:)


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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sgctxok Offline OP
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WOW! It is great to have some self-awareness that you are going to be able to use to find solutions for all of your relationships. This is transferrable to yur relationship with your son and your work, etc.


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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so - i've been mulling over my feelings this last couple of days, and almost find myself reluctant to come here and state my goals. not really sure what is going on with me right now.

the only pressing goals that i can think of right now, is taking care of myself, focusing on myself and moving forward.


the truth of the matter is that i have spent so much time focusing on h, s and this sitch that i am not doing the things for myself that i should be doing.

last week i was so clear on the goals with h, and this week, i can't find a reason to pursue them. that same old helpless feeling comes up whenever i think of h right now - as in, what's the use in trying, i don't even know where to start. it was always there during the marriage,and i suppose if i'm really honest, his actions now, are making me feel more like that

so for now - i just need to propel myself to not think about him (not doing such a great job this morning), to really dive into my work - which is at a stand still, think about how i want my life to be and who is in it. and to let go of all those things that just agonize me


i find myself thinking - i need a break from working on this marriage, i need a break from 11 yrs of being constantly disappointed that no matter what i did, it never made a difference.

it's time to make a difference for myself , just for a few days - to see what it feels like, and then maybe later think about what it feels like to want to work on those other goals


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Zig, sg - a truly stunning thread that's going on my watch list.

Zig - I hope I pray I get past your stage, as I'm sure you will - the getting discouraged bit - because that's also me right now. I'm spending far to much time "catching out" the significant other - that's different, that's different etc. instead of doing what you're trying to do focus on yourself.

Hope yo had a great day.

Mac

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sgctxok Offline OP
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zig -

Michele says that figure out our own answers (and she provides DB tools to help)... and you are doing that ... you know what you need to do right now.

I'll keep checking back.

Keep track of what's going well and the progress you're making, even on your personal goals. It helps keep the focus AND it helps in tougher times to be able to see what you've done well.

What have you been doing this week to take care of yourself?




(I apologize for the delay....my sweet border collie/aussie dog passed away on Friday and I have just been grieving...much more than I thought I would.)


sg
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Hi sg - please please don't apologize for the delay. you have a life too, and i am just so grateful that you are even here, to help in any way.


What have you been doing this week to take care of yourself?


i don't feel very successful on any area this week. I am bummed to say that i am still not pushing enough with my personal goals.

there is so much continuous emotional upheaval and i know that i need to retrain my brain to stop and switch my focus to something else

i did do quite a bit better on monday and tuesday, but wed and thursday were not so successful.

I know what i need to do in my mind, but seem to be having a very hard time actually doing it. can't figure out what is holding me back so much.

Michele says that figure out our own answers (and she provides DB tools to help).

i'm aware that i am feeling quite lost in terms of motivating myself and seeing what i should work towards in my personal goals. the work thing is really going slowly, and i am now becoming aware that even though i am very talented, my belief system about my skills and what i can achieve with them is sadly lacking in self-confidence.

where are these tools that michele speaks about?

i think now, that when i am real turning the focus away from h, i am seeing so much within myself that i need to work on.

i shall try harder tomorrow to focus more clearly on what to do. my list of to do things has grown so long ...

thank you for your help
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Hi sg,

great thread. thank you for your work on all of this.

i am so sorry about your collie. hugs to you ((( )))


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hi sg - hope your'e feeling better today. ((( )))

i think i reached one of my mini-goals.

h stopped by without calling and walked in (without knocking)

s and i were just sitting down to lunch with beautiful plates. he had brought the rest of s's stuff over. i happily thanked him and asked him if he wanted to hang out - and he sat down at the dining table with us and opened some mail.

a lot of direct eye contact - a little intense, and then after about 15 mins he said he had to go.

so, its been several months since he sat at the table with us - i could see he wasn't agonized and uncomfortable, so may casually ask him over to dinner next week or ask if he wants to come and fire up the bbq.

need to find some time to sit here and write out m goals again more clearly.

i have done much much better this morning - 2 big things off my list. i woke up and looked around and thought - this is okay - and actually felt serene for a few moments.

there was a lot of stuff to work through this last week, some of it triggered by events around me, some of it actually triggered by this bootcamp project.

hope you're well
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
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i'm going through some huge thing right now - it's transforming me, and i am not sure how to write about it.

It's about exploring and uncovering one's most deep-seated beliefs. inspecting them and discarding the ones that have always sabotaged my efforts without me understanding why life went the way it seemed to.

i was always puzzled - that even though my conscious intentions were always good, and i felt as if i made my best effort at everything i did, somehow somewhere down the line in all my endeavors (work, r's, living), something always went seriously askew.

so a friend - who is also a therapist, offered sort of jokingly a few weeks ago that she could help me quit smoking. i've vaguely wanted to for a long time, but could never really get past the thought of doing it, into the action of doing it.kept saying to myself i wasn't ready, something was holding me back, i had to work through something to get to the right place to attempt it , etc, etc (oh the things we come up with)

so finally today we got down to business.

boy, i had no idea what technique she was going to use. i didn't have a clue. we did something called belief management exercise - i was on the phone with her for 4 hours!!

by the end of it , i had pages of "my beliefs" written down - and i was astounded to find out how many of them seriously impeded any real development within myself. I had to mark them as 'helpful' beliefs and 'impeding' beliefs

it was really really interesting - because the moment i recognized them as 'impeding' , just the very act of recognizing them - the result was to let them go and recognize that they were not helping me reach what ever goals i had.

then we went through this really intense exercise which uncovered something deeper at the next level - what she called 'transparent beliefs" and these are ones that operate at a really deep level, and we don't even know that they exist, they are so deep-seated. but they are very debilitating to a person and also cause them to self-sabotage constantly.

and wow - was that an eye opener for me. they didn't come easily to the surface - i had to do a lot of work to get to them . i couldn't even see where i was going in the middle of it and then suddenly through the exercise it would pop out and we would both go wow. and then there would be silence as i just sat there staring at what i had written and flashes of my life would come before me as i saw how that belief had shaped so much of how i'd been.

so here i am with all this new info about myself, and i haven't even begun to digest it. but what i can see is that reaching any sort of goals - personal or relational - has just gone into a completely different place for me.

i wasn't really able to start because deep deep down i didn't believe that i was capable of it, or capable of succeeding at accomplishing what i was setting out to do. so i will take the next few days to absorb what i have learned about myself and how my perspective has changed,, as well as my perception of who and what i was

if there's any goal i want to pursue seriously now, is to keep on at exploring this within myself. it's not an easy one to measure - but the measure is there. the more i am able to focus away from external things that are not mine to worry about and turn to things that are truly mine to care about, then i know i am continually taking the correct steps in the right direction. i know it sounds a bit vague, but it's all i can see right now.

i'm marking this day for myself - it's a step in a direction i didn't know existed. how cool is that ?

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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This is so cool. I am very inspired and might try some of those exercises. I feel like you are really blazing a trail for some of us here:).

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