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sgctxok Offline OP
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from zig


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I could use some help here on how to focus on short term goals - i have a lot of trouble trying to figure out what are reasonable good short terms goals, as h is extremely resistant to the smallest of suggestions. Also could use some help in applying KLA and power packaging - don't know where to start.

My h has just announced that he is going to file for divorce because he doesn't want to hide his r with ow any longer, and he can't do that if he's married.

thanks
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
bomb OW 8/11
i asked him to move out 9/11


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Last edited by dbmod; 08/10/12 10:23 PM.

sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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sgctxok Offline OP
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I suggest someone who has experience with

* KLA
* a woman who has been successful with an H in an affair
* setting and achieving goals



I will also help you on the KLA forum with setting goals unless someone takes over.


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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zig Offline
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thanks sgctxok. really appreciate you setting me up.

forgot to mention that h is very likely in MLC. also he confided in a friend who told me that he admitted it himself

i left you a message on the kla forum and will go check in there, tonight

also wanted to add, that what you are setting up here is much much appreciated. I think many of the newbies feel very lost, and sometimes the advice given by other lbs's may not be the most constructive , even though it is very well intentioned.

the main beginning message that i think would have helped me a lot in the first months, is to CALM DOWN. we get into a panic at every negative thing that takes place and then make unneeded mistakes.

so once again thank you -

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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sgctxok Offline OP
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I COMPLETELY agree with you.


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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sgctxok Offline OP
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Hi zig --

for right now I will work with you -- if you want someone else to jump in and take over I won't get my feelings hurt.

But I'm good at goals, and we can help kickstart.


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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sgctxok Offline OP
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just pasting your latest post

Quote:
I could use some help here on how to focus on short term goals - i have a lot of trouble trying to figure out what are reasonable good short terms goals, as h is extremely resistant to the smallest of suggestions. Also could use some help in applying KLA and power packaging - don't know where to start.

My h has just announced that he is going to file for divorce because he doesn't want to hide his r with ow any longer, and he can't do that if he's married.

thanks
zig


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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sgctxok Offline OP
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GOALS


So the first thing is -- you are not going to tell your H your goals, because he IS resistant.


So of course your goal is to have him back and in love with you and committed. That is too big a goal right at this moment. Finding the smaller goals comes from exploring what you want. What are things you love about when you two were in love? What were you DOING together?


Going out for an ice cream? Cuddling on the sofa, etc?



Another way is to answer the MIRACLE question: If you woke up tomorrow and a miracle had occurred and everything was perfect again, what would be your FIRST clue that this has occurred? What would you be DOING differently -- or what would your HUSBAND be doing differently?


Start there--- and we will refine later. We will get to Power Packaging later too, because when you ask that question I feel like you are just dying to know some magic words that will make everything all right, and it won't happen like that. It will be ACTION.


sg
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alright sg (can i call you that, please), i'm ready to start - and i so much appreciate that you agree to work with me.

What are things you love about when you two were in love? What were you DOING together?

1. we fired ceramic wood kilns together (both ceramic artists, though i haven't worked in 6 yrs and that created a distance between us because it was the thing that we really connected on) and the connection was really intense

2.we gardened together and landscaped

3. talked about ceramics for hours

4. we helped each other in our work - whatever area the other one wasn't so strong in. really supported each other's work

i realize as i write this list, that most of what we did together involved ceramics. the things we didn't do were at the top of h's list of grievances - spend time together alone, going on dates, encourage each others hobbies etc.

in the beginning of the sitch, i suggested that we should do something fun together, just the 2 of us to find out whether we could have fun and he said -no, i don't want to find out if we have fun together . s was born so soon after we met - we had only hung out together for a few months, that we didn't really establish those kinds of things. then with a newborn, we became consumed with parenting and work and lost track completely

If you woke up tomorrow and a miracle had occurred and everything was perfect again, what would be your FIRST clue that this has occurred?

wow - that's a hard one!! i'm not even sure where to start?

the warmth was back in his eyes, the anxiety was gone, the sense of him turning back to me instead of away to ow?

or do i need to think of it in terms of an action?

i'll try: that he says he would like to try to make our relationship work

because when you ask that question I feel like you are just dying to know some magic words that will make everything all right, and it won't happen like that.

no, sg - i don't think there are any magic words - i already understood very well that it was action - i think i'm well past the stage of that.

today i spent some time thinking about little goals that i could work towards, and finally realized that each one i thought of, my reaction to it was - oh he's so against that right now, that's too big of a goal. then i talked myself into a more PMA, and decided that i could have very small goals, and even if they don't seem achievable, i could at least start there.

so here are some of them

1. h asks me to join him and s when they are together to do some little activity
2. when we talk, that i shut up more and more, and really learn to LISTEN better
3. h stops feeling and implying that i am helpless and need his help until i get back on my feet (his words)
4. h feels comfortable enough to have a meal at the house with s and me
5. h feels that he can be safe with the three of us together - the last 3 months it seems as if he doesn't allow that , because it feels so good and he has to fight that feeling as hard as he can
6.that i use every interaction as an opportunity for a positive interaction

i notice that these goals are very "h-oriented" am i along the right track? also i don't know if these sorts of goals are the ones i should be starting with - i think they come from a place within myself about what i miss the most in this separation

my goals for myself:
1. stop being so pulled in to the sitch and turn my focus more and more towards other things in my life like my work and my friends
2. add more structure to my day - so that i am really working in a focused way rather than in between spending time on the board here
3. focus on myself and my own healing that is still very much in progress
4. meet new people
5. apply for some part time teaching jobs for the fall
6. start my yoga practice again which i have blown off for the last 3 weeks

sorry this was so long

hope i'm on the right track

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
sgctxok Offline OP
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Seriously zig, its rare when someone does so well with goal setting so soon.

I'm really glad that you get the difference between relationship goals and goals for yourself. And your goals in both area are both really good. I'll post again in a minute with more detailed comments.

What the next step is, however is to pick 2-3 of the relationship goals that feel potentially doable in the next 2-3 weeks.

Pick one or 2 of your personal goals to really focus on.

If you have to many goals, it's hard to achieve any of them (I have that issue myself at times).


sg
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sgctxok Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: zig
alright sg (can i call you that, please), i'm ready to start - and i so much appreciate that you agree to work with me.You are welcome. My feelings don't hurt easily, so when you are ready for me to stop--just say let me know or we will talk about it. I commit that when I can get on the board a few times a week in the next 2-3 weeks, that YOU will be my FIRST STOP.

What are things you love about when you two were in love? What were you DOING together?

1. we fired ceramic wood kilns together (both ceramic artists, though i haven't worked in 6 yrs and that created a distance between us because it was the thing that we really connected on) and the connection was really intense That is a wonderful thing to do together. Why did you stop?

2.we gardened together and landscaped

3. talked about ceramics for hours

4. we helped each other in our work - whatever area the other one wasn't so strong in. really supported each other's work

i realize as i write this list, that most of what we did together involved ceramics. the things we didn't do were at the top of h's list of grievances - spend time together alone, going on dates, encourage each others hobbies etc.

in the beginning of the sitch, i suggested that we should do something fun together, just the 2 of us to find out whether we could have fun and he said -no, i don't want to find out if we have fun together . s was born so soon after we met - we had only hung out together for a few months, that we didn't really establish those kinds of things. then with a newborn, we became consumed with parenting and work and lost track completely

If you woke up tomorrow and a miracle had occurred and everything was perfect again, what would be your FIRST clue that this has occurred?

wow - that's a hard one!! i'm not even sure where to start?

the [color:#FFCC33]warmth was back in his eyes, the anxiety was gone[/color],highlighting this, because you need to pay attention to it -- when this happens you need to not discount it even if it is only for a brief time. this is what you will build on, and this is what you need to not let anyone discount as not a big enough achievement. Remember this.



the sense of him turning back to me instead of away to ow?

or do i need to think of it in terms of an action?

i'll try: that he says he would like to try to make our relationship work there are some men that never speak this way, so don't be dismayed if this never happens. Pay attention to ACTIONS from him not his words. If these words do come, they would likely be very far down the line, AFTER he's already been working with you.

because when you ask that question I feel like you are just dying to know some magic words that will make everything all right, and it won't happen like that.

no, sg - i don't think there are any magic words - i already understood very well that it was action - i think i'm well past the stage of that.
thank you for clarifying....I'm glad...that will help you tremendously.


today i spent some time thinking about little goals that i could work towards, and finally realized that each one i thought of, my reaction to it was - oh he's so against that right now, that's too big of a goal. then i talked myself into a more PMA, WONDERFUL! You should teach this lesson on the board: thought stopping and decided that i could have very small goals, and even if they don't seem achievable, i could at least start there.

so here are some of them

1. h asks me to join him and s when they are together to do some little activityexcellent...what kind of activities do they do
2. when we talk, that i shut up more and more, and really learn to LISTEN better [so this is more of a to do item as stated, but it's good. How would you know your H felt you were listening better? What would he do
3. h stops feeling and implying that i am helpless and need his help until i get back on my feet (his words)this is very likely a great 180 for you....but might take longer that 2-3 weeks. So break it down.

If he thought you were the opposite of helpless, in fact, incredibly empowered and strong and successful..... How would he react. What would he do. How would YOU KNOW that he was feeling that way?



4. h feels comfortable enough to have a meal at the house with s and mehow would you know? would he invite himself to stay? would he accept an invitation? would he just start eating as you were eating?
5. h feels that he can be safe with the three of us together - the last 3 months it seems as if he doesn't allow that , because it feels so good and he has to fight that feeling as hard as he can what are your indicators that he feels this way
6.that i use every interaction as an opportunity for a positive interactionthis is a good idea, but 'lofty'. What kinds of interactions do you have? Long conversations? Greet him at the door? Phone conversations? Let's get specific and pick one or 2

i notice that these goals are very "h-oriented" am i along the right track? you bet you are!also i don't know if these sorts of goals are the ones i should be starting with - i think they come from a place within myself about what i miss the most in this separation

my goals for myself:
1. stop being so pulled in to the sitch and turn my focus more and more towards other things in my life like my work and my friends

so what specifically would you do differently


2. add more structure to my day - so that i am really working in a focused way rather than in between spending time on the board here

My nature is to be completely unstructured. So at times I create a time-map that I have found by a professional organizer. It's basically a calendar that you put things on there that you want to commit to, and you try to follow it. Of course for me, there's the problem of actually looking at the map....but you get the drift...maybe that would help. But just pick some things that are really important to you...not the SHOULDS. pick the things that give you JOY. It will bring out your inherent attractiveness.
3. focus on myself and my own healing that is still very much in progress
4. meet new people
5. apply for some part time teaching jobs for the fall
6. start my yoga practice again which i have blown off for the last 3 weeks
these are all great things
sorry this was so long

hope i'm on the right track

zig
[b][/b]



So let me know if you're ok with that pace (~ 3x/wk -- might be more but I want to commit to something)


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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