my wife left physically 2 months ago. i have done all the wrong things, with a little bit of good mixed in. i have 2 kids. she is having multiple EA's. acting single, etc. says there is no chance. she hasnt filed yet, so i believe there is.
i need help with staying on track and goal setting. brainstorming solutions is good. i guess i need help all around. lol _________________________ m:30 W:32 M:8 T:11 S:9 D:5 Bomb:1/07/12 Separated:4/23/12
There is dialog related from AJM
Last edited by dbmod; 06/28/1201:36 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
sorry kd.. i was at aa and then put my kids to bed. idk if you read my latest posts. my sitch has went even further south. my wife has filed a protection order against me. on what grounds i have no idea. i havent been served yet. my sitch is looking bad. really bad. so i guess my dining pleasure would be goal setting right now. the rest can wait. i need alot of help in this area. i need to set goals for ME. so i can make it through this insanity. she has effectively cut me out of her life as of now. i have no control over that. i do have control over what i do. right now my head is a mess and i have no idea where to start. any help is much appreciated.
oh, and in my earlier threads i had a "big gun" you didnt mention. you must be being modest. lol
hbsd, modesty / humility is a virtue to those of us whose LL is words of affirmation. That way we get what we need without having to appear to be asking for it...
Yeah, I had a chance to catch up on what's going on for you. You really are getting great support from those I mentioned as well as bug and others so I haven't felt the need to add anything, there.
I can help you with your goals and encourage you to stick with them, but like your aa sponsor, I place the responsibility on you to commit to and achieve your goals.
Sound fair?
For you, I commit to once per day to provide feedback and directives. If I can, I will pop by your main thread as well.
So, you are a mess. I totally get that, so focusing on what you might set as goals is likely going to be difficult for you. And too many goals or too lofty a goal may set you back and deter you. So we need to keep this simple and small for right now.
Some key areas to consider where you might set goals: + physical + intellectual + spiritual + relationship (caveat on this one, nothing to do with your W)
Of course, none of these goals will have anything to do with your W.
So, lets start with just one of the areas I listed. Which would you choose and what are some items / ideas within that area you would like to work on?
Give it some thought. Please respond by tomorrow, noon.
ok.. i like the small reachable goals. i need to be able to feel like i am progressing. i also like that none of this will have to do with my W. right now, i think that is best. i dont want to think about her right now, as it drives me batshit crazy.
so i was thinking about physical goals. i have been working out and running quite a bit. my goal is to have a six pack again. im 1/3rd of the way there.
i think what i would really like to work on is mind control..lol my mind. positive thinking. consistently. keeping my mind from what ifs or future things.. i need to get my head in check so i can get back in the game, so to speak. maybe detachment is a big part of that. i dont know.
hopefully you can make some sense out of my ramblings. any ideas you have i am willing to try. i will put in the work, dont worry about that. thanks kd.
as far as abs go.. i need to do more situps etc.. my workout is pretty good. about every night. workin on toning all around. making progress. i run at least 4 times a week. 1.7 miles. best time is 12:19 right now. would like to get it to around 11 mins. all in all i would like to be in the best shape of my life. i am confident i can achive that. i am putting in the work.
i am working. 8.5 hrs a day when i have the kids. sometimes i am focused on my job. mostly on my sitch. which can be dangerous because i am an electrician and work on live power alot. when i have the kids i dont have much free time. what i do have is spent trying to figure out how to best get thru this. im having a real hard time ith that. i dont have any hobbies or "friends". i am new to town and i have always been happy just being with my family. my W is trying for a 5 year PO right now. got served today. now my free time has to be focused on protecting my kids.
i am having problems keeping my mind calm. i am constantly worrying. i feel like an empty shell most of the time. the only joy i have is seeing my kids smile. then i pretty much cry. not in front of them. i walk away.
hope you can make sense out of this. i do well with blunt questions. the more blunt the better. not very good at riddles.
That's OK. While being specific means you are clear with your goals, the truth is that you are not, and that's OK. That's part of what needs to happen. By writing out your thoughts, you are painting a picture of who you are and what's important to you.
When you say more situps, give numbers. How many are you doing, now? How many do you think you need to, in order to reach your goal?
For me, I simply do not do any ab work when I am not at the gym, I just have to set time aside to do the things I can, like sit ups and push ups, every second day. We know that there are diminishing results if we work out every day. In the same token, push ups, sit ups, and running are things that are just easy to do as often as possible, if we just put our minds and commitment towards.
What do you think is currently preventing you from being at 11 min? Is it your pace? Your stamina? Your strength? Remember, it could also be your mind, but lets rule out physical, first.
On the focus part, I want to strongly remind you that you DO NOT need to focus on your sitch nor your kid's protection. You DO need to do what needs to be done. You can do nothing more but get yourself electrocuted because you are focusing on the right things, at the wrong time.
Are you just working with household, 110V or are you working with commercial electrical, live? How many amps? Really my friend. When you are working and stressing over your sitch, put into your mind all those graphic pics and vids they showed you about the dangers of electricity... because your kids won't have a dad if you are not focused on your work...
How's that for changing your paradigm. Thinking of sitch while working means kids lose their dad.
Are you a contractor or do you work for a company?
Name me two things that really interest you, that have nothing to do with family nor work.
abs are a new part of my routine. i thought diet and running would take the beer belly away. while it helped tremendously, i need to put in the hard work. i now am doin them every 3rd day. i did 60 front lifts and 60 side lifts tonight. i do them hangin to focus on the lowest part. i think i need to get up to 100 each a time.
as far as the 11 mins.. i think right now it is a combination of pace and strength. i have been feeling good lately and need to push harder. i believe in 2 weeks i can be there. i need to push myself harder.
i very rarely work on 110.. i do mostly commercial and industrial. voltages and amps vary. i got hit pretty bad in feb. ironically i was working in a hospital. they made me take oxygen and hooked me up to a heart rate monitor. they said i was lucky i didnt have a heart attack. i work for a company wich carries 500,000 life insurance on me and i have a 500,000 dollar policy. that is good because accidents do happen. i need to focus. my kids wont have a dad if i slip up at the wrong time. usually i work on 277-480V anywhere from 400-3000A. plus secondary side of transformers. it is dangerous. i know. like i said, i need focus.
i've been thinking about that "you are already dead" thing for about a week. i think i am starting to get it. my M is dead. way dead. once i totally accept it, then i can do what needs to be done. i have been in denial and havent detached as much as i wanted to believe. im not sure how to do all that, so i am open to suggestions.
2 things that really interest me? he11 i dont know. i loved shooting my bow. that was a sore spot W wife and now i cant possess it due to probation so thats out. i want to learn how to dance. i mean really dance. i was never taught, and have never really danced. W used to try to get me too, but i was embarassed and wouldnt. i really like music. alot. im crappy at guitar these days. i was never great at it. i would like to go back to school for some business stuff as i am eligible to take my contractors test next year. my goal all along was to open my own shop. i have good work skills, need business skills if i am going to succeed.
keep asking me stuff please. i need to "learn how to fish". =)
holy crap, man... re: the electrical. Yeah, do you not have grounding wires and mesh suits? I know sometimes it is a pain to use the safety equip, I was a climber and sometimes it just wasn't feasible to put on the harness... too many close calls... I don't climb any more... but it was the business and I eventually handed it off to the new owner... just prior to my M breakdown.
n-e-how...
Yeah, play safe... and glad you have the insurance...
lol, fishing is good. We will refrain from asking you to build your own rod and hook at this time, though... lol
Let's play with your interests in a sec, I think we can set some clear goals for your physical at this time.
I mean, break it down to:
+ you know what you want to achieve + pick a date when you hope to achieve it + break the growth into smaller steps along the way
So post that here in this thread and we'll review.
Then, we'll get to your interests, because I think that might be worth using as a catalyst to help you control your thoughts. Ultimately, starting with the crutch of distraction...
The "already dead" thing is appropriate and really, don't worry about that. It is true, and it pairs well with being able to focus your thoughts.
Idk if your time line is realistic. I could be. I know that it did not take little, frail me to start getting results from working out. I do know, as I've heard from others, that we start to plateau and then next bump is harder to get over.
Put the deadline and growth into a time line.
How fast will you need to be next week and the week after, etc.
Same with the reps. Do you really think that in two weeks you can increase your reps by 40?
I'm not saying change your deadline. I'm saying you may really have to push.
Put the graduated time line in a post here and then start doing it. We can review your progress at weeks end.
Once you have the progress chart in place, we can get to the other stuff.
1st week of july: hit 12 mins 2nd week: 11:40 3rd week: 11:20 4th week: 11:00
now i am not be discouraged if it takes longer because i do plateau. then i get faster. it is a goal so i push harder. if i break 11:40 im gonna be stoked.
abs: i am going to add 5 reps to every session. if it goes easy enough, up it to 10.
tomorrow night i am goin to add 5 reps. ill let you know how it goes.
Good stuff. And yes, accept that you do not know whether you will reach your goal or not, within the set parameters. And on the other hand, that is not an excuse to not achieve your goals. Because they DO sound reasonable and achievable, as you've detailed the timeline benchmarks...
I will get back to you on the other stuff now. Be patient as it is the Canada Day long weekend and lots of activity around here...
OK, I will admit that I intend to do some serious, social GAL this weekend... so may be pre-occupied...
Then again, I know me... I'm sure I will be in contact soon enough...
so i ran it in 12:12 tonight..not to shabby. and dont worry i wont make excuses.. if i dont reach the goals its not because i didnt try. its because my body couldnt do it in the short amount of time. just will need to extend the timeline.
guess i should have figured out you are canadian by your location. sure hope you arent a cindy crosby, ooops i mean sydney crosby lover..lmao.. i've had some good canoe trips in quetico when i was younger. we would put in in attikokan (sp). lots of fun. have a great weekend and dont worry, i am practicing patience.
lol, close... atikokan only has one t... We're about 4 hours away from there. Nice country although we butt against that whole ecology, so I just step out my door and there I am...
Consider how it feels while you focus on your physical goals. Thinking about them, setting the goals, setting midway bench marks. Before, during and after a work out.
As far as focused, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being not focused and 10 being very focused), where do you think you are during those times?
it varies from day to day. anywhere from a 6 to a 9..usually around an 8. i like the feeling of concentration when i work out. my mind is calm. when thoughts come up i literally run them out of my head. when i cant breathe i cant think so much. after i work out i feel strong. wore out, but stronger.
you are right..it is beautiful up there. lots of good memories from quetico.
OK, so just for a moment, try to practice just being in that mind space. Your goal for this weekend will be to be able to put your mind into that clarity and focus, on demand.
You can start with again paying attention to how you get to that mind space as you are about to work out or while you work out. Pay very close attention to your body, how your body feels, how you are breathing. Things like that.
And then, in moments of idle time, see if you can get your body there. Consider the thoughts that make your body go into a mode of hyper focus.
Are they the same when you go into panic mode and workout mode. If so, how. And how are they different...?
i have had to practice alot this weekend. lots of drama. i was thinking about what you said. about mind space. i noticed when my mind goes nuts my body tingles..almost shakes. my breathing is quicker. i am not focused. mind is all over.
when i run and lift, breathing is key. when i control my breathing i can do things properly. when i run my breathing is key to my pace. when it is controlled i do better. i can udjust it for different speeds. when i focus my body it requires my mind to focus. i feel calm yet ready to act. not wound up but focused.
when i go into panic mode it is not good. i had some moments this weekend. usually i try the stop sign thing. dont work anymore. this kept running through my head. so i started breathing. focusing on it like when i run. my body seemed to relax. then slowly i could bring my mind around. it took a bit the first time. for a few hours i had to go back to breathing. focusing on calm. i have had more stress coming at me. stupid stuff. i put it in my thread. i was able to focus my mind quicker every time.
That's great, hbsd. Not the bad stuff of course. That you were able to use techniques to help focus yourself.
Do you feel that those techniques for focus can help you in all aspects of your life?
Where else in your life do you feel out of focus? Like your work, for example.
Do you feel that you could use those techniques to focus when you are about to go into a dangerous work sitch and therefore stay focused on the task at hand so you can stick around a while longer for your kids?
i feel out of focus in about everything i do. yes i think they could help.
i really need to focus at work. not only could it cause me to lose my job, but my life as well. i need to pay attention and not be so reckless. the breathing helps. helps me focus so i can calm my mind and body.
i will have to keep practicing so it becomes a habit.
must be something in that air... just happened to post almost at the same time...
Not sure what the humidity is here right now, but I'd say it's dang close... ndfarmer is prolly feeling the same in ND... love the warm, dislike the humidity...
I do love that you bested your time by 1 second, even in this humidity...
so i havent broke 12 mins yet. thats ok. it is a goal i am working towards. i am on track with my workouts.
my focus is on me right now. i am GAL. i went on a date. my W's OM' STBX asked me out. i went. why not? i had a ton of fun. nothing happened but dinner and mini golf. we talked about our sitch's a little. not much. i just had fun. will anything come of it. idk. i dont really care.
i am going to my aa meetings and working my program. life isnt great right now, but it isnt that bad. i hope W is happy in whatever life path she chooses. i know i am going to be.
You could unstick it, although I do want to keep the tread to stay focused on hbsd's goals.
hbsd, I did read about your little... date... I'll keep any comments about that on your other thread if I can think of any...
Unless you would like to focus specifically on goals in regards to entering new relationships at this time?
Otherwise, it sounds like you are satisfied with how your workouts are going. Are you satisfied? Are you changing your goals and happy with where you are and the pace that you are getting to your goals? Or do you want to adjust the goals?
hbsd, take the time you need to get through this. Use this as an opportunity to practice your focus. Yes, I understand it is a tough one so feel free to expect to not do well. In the same token, any time is a good time to practice.
When you are ready, post back here and let me know you are ready to review and possibly adjust.
hey kd...focus man.. i did it.. 11:51 on my run. i felt so good! ran with a smile on my face! i knew i was doin good. i felt it! i finally got that runners high i've been hearing about. i will post more later
my focus is good! i am actually feeling pretty good today. i have accepted where i am at. i cannot change the sitch. i am surprisingly ok with it. it isnt a good sitch. it just is. i control my thoughts and feelings. i am not mad. i dont want to live like that. i dont want to go through life being bitter. i want to be happy. everything happens for a reason. i am getting more in tune with myself every day. people notice that. i notice it. i wish i wasnt in this sitch. i am thankful for the growth opportunity though. without it, i would never be getting in touch with the real me. strong, compassionate, caring. that is good. really good.
what i want to work on is me still. recognizing harmful behaviors. reacting appropriately. i need to learn how to interact with people. how to make friends. im not good at that. i need to learn how to put the best foot forward and not dwell on negative behaviors. learn from them and move on.
im kind of rambling right now. if you get anything out of this let me know. =)
my focus is good! i am actually feeling pretty good today. i have accepted where i am at. i cannot change the sitch. i am surprisingly ok with it. it isnt a good sitch. it just is. i control my thoughts and feelings. i am not mad. i dont want to live like that. i dont want to go through life being bitter. i want to be happy. excellent. Being bitter hurts YOU. No one else. Being bitter attracts very little positives into your life.
Believe that you deserve to be happy and that YOU can create that for yourself. Happiness comes from within and it radiates into our lives.
It does not fall into our laps. Aristotle said "happiness is a virtue" and he meant, I believe, that we make it for ourselves. We don't "Wait" for it. Make sense?
As for meeting people, that means GAL and JOINING things. Clubs, writers groups, classes, churches, volunteer organizations, community theater, sports, etc. NOT people related to the situation. New stimulating people and if and when you can afford it, going to new places. Travelling.
Long ago I read Dale Carnegie's book on "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and it really did help me meet people. It helped me LIKE them and that shows. When people feel liked by you and that you care about their thoughts or what they have to say, when you Listen well,
THEY LIKE YOU. Pretty simple really.
Being interested in THEM, genuinely believing they each could teach me something no matter how "low" on the totem pole or boring they might seem, helps you connect.
That applied even to the Down syndrome neighbor I had b/c when I first read that in Carnegie's book (i.e., how "everyone can teach you SOMETHING") I sort of scoffed and I wondered what my mentally challenged neighbor could "teach" me.
Guess what? She taught me charity, cheerfulness and joy.
I never forgot that lesson.
And of course the truly fascinating people love to talk about what makes them fascinating so either way, you will be connecting with people in meaningful ways. That's what making friends means, imo.
Good for you!
everything happens for a reason. i am getting more in tune with myself every day. people notice that. i notice it. i wish i wasnt in this sitch. i am thankful for the growth opportunity though. without it, i would never be getting in touch with the real me. strong, compassionate, caring. that is good. really good.
indeed
what i want to work on is me still. recognizing harmful behaviors. reacting appropriately. i need to learn how to interact with people. how to make friends. im not good at that.
"I am improving on that as I grow."
i need to learn how to put the best foot forward and not dwell on negative behaviors. learn from them and move on.
im kind of rambling right now. if you get anything out of this let me know. =)
I got something out of it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
thanks 25..you made some great points. i will definitely look to learn from everyone i meet. there is alot of truth to that. i will read that book when i end my reading strike. thank you for yours words of wisdom. they mean alot
focus is good. my brain is on the right track so to speak. just trying to get through everyday with a smile on my face. taking care of stuff all on my own is new to me yet i am figuring it out. aa promises seem to be coming true.
Know that I am always reading the board and if there is anything that you want specific help on (for yourself, your PMA, focus, personal discovery, etc) ON THIS THREAD, I will see, and do what I can to help and support you.
