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from JessicaM

Quote:
My WAH filed for divorce on 6/13 and moved out 6/14. We have a 2 year old daughter. We are in contact most days because of her. He thinks this is the best thing for us and that we are too different. No affairs.

I need help setting goals and brainstorming solutions.

Last edited by dbmod; 07/06/12 01:47 AM.

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I suggest a vet with experience with

* WAS as newlywed or with young kids

* Someone with experience with a WAH

* Someone great at setting goals

* Someone great at offering MULTIPLE solutions


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I am very excited for this.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
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Jess,

I might suggest trying to find Gabbysmom's threads. She is smart, compassionate and has a small child.

I don't know if she is around much lately but she posts occassionally.



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Thank you. I will do that.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
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Did you manage to find Gabby's thread and drop her a note Jess?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

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I have started looking through her thread but I didn't write to her.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
Confirmed EA: 8/12
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Why not? : )



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

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How are you doing today Jessica?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

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I am doing okay. Really tired. Trying to get used to working again and was out late the past couple days because of the holiday. I'm trying to get things figured out for school and other things that go along with that.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
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Quote:

My WAH filed for divorce on 6/13 and moved out 6/14. We have a 2 year old daughter. We are in contact most days because of her. He thinks this is the best thing for us and that we are too different. No affairs.

I need help setting goals and brainstorming solutions.


Are you still in contact with him every day? How is that going for you are you able to keep your calm?


Goals, seems like work and school, am I correct or are you looking to add more goals? Oh like still staying married right? Well...I sort of figured on that but lets work on the goals you can have immediate results with.

Brainstorming ideas...like invoveling your H right? We'll get to those.

How has your last interaction been, how have you been acting around him.

Brutal honesty here please. Anything less and...it becomes pointless. OK?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

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We are in contact every single day. Right now we are living together again to make childcare easier.

Goals:
I would like to be able to control my emotions and responses to him when we start talking about some hot button issues.

Even before us getting back together I would like for him to put a hold on the divorce to work on the marriage. I would be willing to still let the divorce stay on the table but just getting him to attempt to work on the marriage would be a big step in the right direction.

GAL ideas would be a good one.

Working on managing stress.

Last interaction was good. It was today and he dropped off my daughter to me. We met at CVS because he had to pick up a kid for his second job. It was a change of plans because I was going to meet him at home before he left for work but things changed. We handled the change of plans well.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
Confirmed EA: 8/12
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The past two days have been rough. I was out all day with my daughter and friend and wasn't feeling good. He was at work and was going out with friends afterwards which I knew. I started feeling bad while I was out and it just got worse. I texted him to see if he could get me some medicine on his way home and he said he would on his way home. I guess I expected he would leave sooner than later because of how bad I felt. He was really nice today and let me sleep while he took care of our daughter before he left for work. Unfortunately I was pretty needy before he left for work. When I am really sick, I get really needy and have a hard time imagining how I'm going to take care of our daughter. I need to work on that. I need to stop being needy, that will not help with our relationship.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
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do you want this thread 'stuck' or is it ok to unstick?


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It doesn't matter to me.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
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Quote:

GAL ideas would be a good one.


Going with free idea's here...and I'm going with you don't have a whole lot of time to spare either.

Parks are free, walks are free, library is free and usually have some sort of kid programs. Picnics are free except for the food and turns out ducks love stale bread. Check out community events on craiglist in your city.

Yes...work on not being needy. It's not even close to...attractive.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

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unsitck free up some room.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

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Great ideas. I need to work on doing more with my daughter. I had been so down in the dumps lately and then it's been so hot. We may go to the pool tomorrow since I'm off of work tomorrow. I am exhausted when I get home from work and don't even want to stand so that's been hard. She loves the park; she could go every day. I should have thought of the library since it's been so hot but it's definitely something I will keep in mind.

I am definitely working on the being needy thing. Being sick caused me to backslide, for the most part I think I am definitely improving.

This morning was kind of hard. It was the first morning I had to go to work when he wouldn't be here with our daughter. He had to get to work by 5:15am and was gone well before I was up. I didn't think he had taken the dog out like he promised and I called and got an attitude. I was feeling horrible and was stressed about getting everything done and my daughter being with a babysitter. Luckily the babysitter came to us! We apologized after work and now he's sleeping and our daughter is sleeping on me!


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
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Quote:

I didn't think he had taken the dog out like he promised and I called and got an attitude.


IF I had told you I would take the dog out and you called me because you didn't think I did? You'd get attitude from me too ; ) Just like you would give it to him if the role was reversed. (I'm betting)



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

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Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Quote:

I didn't think he had taken the dog out like he promised and I called and got an attitude.


IF I had told you I would take the dog out and you called me because you didn't think I did? You'd get attitude from me too ; ) Just like you would give it to him if the role was reversed. (I'm betting)


Sorry I wrote that wrong. I got an attitude with him. He did get an attitude with me too and it was completely justified. I was irritated though because he took the dog out at 2:30am when he didn't leave till 4:15am. He told me he would take out the dog right before he left since I would be doing everything for our daughter in the morning. I wouldn't get home until 2:30pm and didn't want the dog to have to hold it for 12 hours. We weren't expecting the babysitter to deal with him.

Regardless, he didn't deserve my attitude. I should have never called him and just took the dog out like I did anyways. Would save us a lot of problems if I didn't react so much.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
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How are you doing today Jessica, did you try the library or park yet? Other than that how are you?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

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Besides the fact that it is our anniversary I am doing okay. And the fact that we keep getting sick. I had horrible sinuses and a miserable sinus headache last night. My husband was very nice and got me medicine and picked up pizza. Then when I got home from work today, my daughter had a rash all over her body and I had to take her to the doctor. She's fine but just the sort of week I've been having.

We actually went to the library on my day off (Tuesday) and she had a great time. It was fun.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
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Sorry you are sick.

How did you do with the anniversary? No comments or anything?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

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Thank you. I'm still a little congested but not too bad.

I'm doing fine. Didn't mention it to him at all. He has to know it's today because it's the day after his mom's bday and he remembered that yesterday. He's sleeping right now. He hasn't slept much lately so maybe he doesn't remember. Guess it doesn't matter either way. But I will not mention it because it will not do anything to get me closer to my goal of restoring our relationship. It will just make me moody and needy and mean and we would probably end up fighting.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
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Good for you. : )

Very good for you.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Thank you. I have been trying. Somedays are easier than others. Depends on my mood and how stressed I am. That is definitely when I need to focus on my goals the most and just keep my mouth shut!


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
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How are you doing Jessica? How is co-habitating?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

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It's weird. We have been on opposite shifts lately so we hadn't seen each other a lot. We're both pulling our fair share of work and getting along well. I talked to him a bit last night when I got home because he was still awake. I told him that I thought that we could really work this out if we tried and we talked calmly. Well really I talked and he listened, which was good, at least he didn't ignore me or walk away. He did bring up the fact of how long it took me to get a job and how I told him I wouldn't before (which is true - I was horrible about that). But he had told me in the past that going back to work wouldn't necessarily prevent our divorce. I wish I would have gone back to work before and maybe he'd be more willing to work on our marriage, but I didn't. I can't change the past. I have been trying very hard to change things in myself that need to be changed but I can't change the past. I really don't know where we are because he doesn't talk very much. The divorce is final in a month and I am terrified.

Been very busy with work and getting things ready for school. I've been trying to keep up with everything I need to do. It's been a challenge but we've been making it through.

Anything in particular you think I should be working on?


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
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Nice to see you back Jack!


M 43
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W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
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Sorry was AFK for a couple of days.

My advice is to keep doing what you have been doing and getting better at it. While the end of the month is coming? Who is to say exactly what will happen at the end of the month. The best laid plans of mice and men...often go awry.

You talked which is good, he listened which is better, and you realize that you cannot change the past which is great. Show him that you are changing by doing what you are doing.

OK?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Sounds like a good plan.

We've been so busy that we don't spend a lot of time together. We keep each other updated on our daughter and he has been very helpful lately. He does dishes and some laundry. He's doing much better than I have been. I am so exhausted all of the time. I am having a hard time adjusting to working, especially since it is such a physically demanding job. I have so many things going on that it is hard to keep everything straight.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
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Have you adjusted yet to the schedule? Are you feeling better? How is home life ATM?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

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I am still working on adjusting to my schedule. We just hired a babysitter for the next month so at least we won't be constantly scrambling for a babysitter.

I'm feeling better but I'm exhausted all the time from work. I'll get used to it eventually.

Life at home is okay. We are coparenting okay and splitting up responsibilities. My husband is actually doing a lot better than me. He's stepped up a lot and I appreciate it a lot and let him know.

We have a preliminary court hearing for August 13th and I think we'll determine child support then but that's all I know.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
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How are you and your husband doing?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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I don't know. Sometimes I think we are doing okay and other times I think there is no hope.

We are very civil with each other. We talk about our daughter and tell each other about our days. There just doesn't seem to be anything else right now. I know it takes time and patience but I just don't know what to be doing right now.

I found out today that I can qualify for pro bono attorney through legal volunteers but it could take 6 months to get someone. So I'm back to square one with the attorney. I want to ask my husband if he will put the divorce on hold until I can get an attorney but we would still be separated and everything but I don't know if he will go for it.

Any advice?


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
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Advice, sure ask him for the delay.

And specifics, why do some days do you think you're ok and some days not, what happens on those days?

I have a question for as a father and provider of my family. With bills and child, is there an equal division of labor?

Because is is really easy for one to feel like they are doing all the work and for resentment to build up, and I am wondering if that didn't happen with him.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

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Some days it seems like we connect more and other days he just seems distant. It's hard to tell specifics. Right now he is working second shift like me and it is hard on him. He works 4pm-1am at a minimum and usually goes in early. I'm not sure how late he has been getting home because I'm usually sleeping. He's already gone for today because he had to be at work early and it's not even 3pm. He is very tired when on second shift and has a hard time getting adjusted to the swing shift. Then again, he's very tired on first shift too because he gets up early. He works a lot. He's been working seven days a week. Sometimes it's mandatory and other times he just works for the money.

Division of labor. Before he filed for divorce and I went back to work, he worked out of the home and I did 95% of the work that went into the home and taking care of our daughter.

Since he filed for divorce and I have went back to work, he has really been pulling his weight and I'm slacking and trying to figure out how to prioritze and get the energy to do everything that needs to be done. With him being on second though, he has not been doing as much. Which is hard because I'm on second too and tired as well.

I think resentment did build up because he was the only one working. We never had a rationale discussion of what would make me go back to work. When we got married and even before that, he knew I wanted to stay home to raise our children and he seemed on board with it. Lots of things happened and somewhere along the line he changed his mind. We didn't handle that well. I handled it very poorly and I have apologized. We should have discussed specifics about me eventually going back to work. He has different financial goals than I do and I tend to be content with what I have been blessed with and he mistakes that for not been driven. I am not a materialistic person anymore (used to be before I had my daughter). He's also older and has struggled financially a lot longer than I have.

Hope that clears a few things up!


Me:29; W:37
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M: 4
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It does...

I'd ask for the delay in time so that you can get a pro-bono laywer. Worst thing he says is no.

I know you're tired and I also know you getting used to things...you do say he is stepping up more...

Being tired, I get it. I'm going to suggest that right now, right now? Pushing through that tired and not relying on him, is going to benefit you.

I'm not saying it will save your marriage. I'm am saying it will make you look better.

What if staying married meant less sleep?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Well everything changed. I found out today that at minimum he is having an emotional affair and is in love with the woman. It is a woman from his second job. It has been going on for a year and they have looked at a house together. My daughter has been at her house and played with her children. She is in the middle of divorcing her husband as well. I am absolutely devastated. I have calmed down a lot but made quite a few mistakes today like leaving him nasty vm's and screaming on the phone at him. I even went to the girl's work but they have an intercom and she wouldn't come down to see me. But I said some pretty nasty things over the intercom. I'm not sure the extent of their physical relationship. He says that he's not sleeping with her but he's still cheating on me. I can't believe that he did this. He said on the phone that he didn't mean for this to happen and this isn't why the divorce is happening. I have a letter from him to her that seems to suggest otherwise.

I am livid right now!

I can't think straight!

Help!


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
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I am new here, so I don't have advice to offer, but I'm very sorry about your husband's behavior. I would be devastated and livid, too. frown Hopefully one of the vets on here can help you with where to go from here.


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
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Jessica,

I am sorry. I know how that pain feels.

Saying it will go away is true but doesn't help you right now.

Now? Right now...can you get a lawyer? Can you have him wait the 6 months for the pro bono? Can your family help you with getting one?

Don't confront the OW anymore...makes you look unbalanced, and you don't want OR need that.

Keep doing what you have been doing. You THINK you are going to want to know more...and really you don't. Right now...you want to know more because you want proof it was only an EA...

and sadly, if you are here the numbers are pretty high that the affair went PA...not saying they all do, but enough do that you're better served accepting that it likely did happen.

Stop screaming at him and her.

Lawyers...what can you do in regard to getting one sooner?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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I'm very sorry to hear this has been going on.

This is what you need to do ASAP. Lock down your finances and contact a L immediately! You have to see if he used any of your joint accounts to pay for any large purchases.

Next, go for primary custody of your D so that she's protected.

Right now forget about your M. Start protecting yourself first because he'll leave you high and dry.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Jessica,

I am sorry. I know how that pain feels.

Saying it will go away is true but doesn't help you right now.

Now? Right now...can you get a lawyer? Can you have him wait the 6 months for the pro bono? Can your family help you with getting one?

Don't confront the OW anymore...makes you look unbalanced, and you don't want OR need that.

Keep doing what you have been doing. You THINK you are going to want to know more...and really you don't. Right now...you want to know more because you want proof it was only an EA...

and sadly, if you are here the numbers are pretty high that the affair went PA...not saying they all do, but enough do that you're better served accepting that it likely did happen.

Stop screaming at him and her.

Lawyers...what can you do in regard to getting one sooner?



Thank you. I realized a lot of my mistakes after they happened. We had a long talk when he got home. I yelled but we also talked. He seems confused about that relationship too. He said he thought I knew. He confirms that it is physical but not sexual. He said they were not going to have sex until we were officially divorced. I hope that's true because we've had sex and I don't want a chance of getting a STD. I don't know if this girl has fooled around with other guys or if her ex-husband has.

I'm actually sick now. I got sent home from work yesterday after having the most miserable day. I thought I was just miserable from lack of sleep but I had a 102 degree temperature. Went to the doctor today and I have strep or mono. No fun. My husband has helped as he can but this is his mandatory weekend to work.

I'm going to ask if he can wait six months. Not sure if that's a possibility because of the affair but the worst he can say is no. My primary doctor gave me a referral to some personal counseling and I got my anxiety medicine upped.

No more screaming. I don't need to remind him why he's leaving me and make OW look more desirable. I don't want to know any more. I know what I need to know and everything else will be harmful and not helpful.

How do I act towards him? I still want to make this work. He's my husband and my daughter's father. I want our family back together.

I almost wish it was just a PA instead of an EA. He said he was in love with her. I read a letter he wrote her and it just broke my heart. He said he was in a very low place when he wrote it but still.

So confused and wanting to do the right thing.

Advice?


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
Confirmed EA: 8/12
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So I woke up this morning around 5:30 to go bathroom and he wasn't here. His truck is still here but no him. So I'm assuming he's with her. I've been praying for the past hour. I don't know when he left. The last time I saw him was at 11:30 when I brought the dog upstairs to go to bed.

It's strange that he did not take his truck but she picked him up. His cell phone is off because I tried to call once (only once and did not leave a message). That frustrates me because what if there was an emergency with our daughter and he was unreachable.

I got upset with him today and he said that we were over regardless of him and her. He's not 100% sure about her but he knows there is no hope to save our marriage. He said I need to stop crying and move on. I just found out about the affair 3 days ago. It hasn't been that long! I've tried to be strong around him but being sick didn't help it just made me more emotional and worn down.

I keep praying and am trying to change my behaviors but it seems like there is no hope.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
Confirmed EA: 8/12
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Monsters in your head are making everything into more monsters.

Is he with her?

Maybe. Heck it's very likely, but that doensn't mean he is with her. A friend could have picked him up.

IF something had happened with your daughter...yes that would be horrible, BUT that is not what is upseting you. YOU not being able to contact him to confirm your fear is what is really upsetting you, right?

Your jumping to conclusions, and in doing so, your day is now horrible.

PS - They almost always say
"we were over regardless of him and her. He's not 100% sure about her but he knows there is no hope to save our marriage"

I'll tell you this, he is going to come home expecting you to be upset and in a fighting mood. I wonder what would happen if you weren't or didn't?

If you did fight, that would be more of the same.

And DBing is about doing things different...not them, you; the person posting here.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Thank you. I was a complete fool and he was in our other daughter's room (my stepdaughter who doesn't live with us). She has a super comfortable bed and we've both slept in there before (separately) when we can't get comfortable anywhere else. It has been a really long time since he's slept in there. I didn't even think. Finally after it seemed like forever and our daughter was up, I looked in there as a last chance because I finally thought about it. And yep, he was in there. I then let him sleep in which he appreciated. He had gotten the VM (which I calmly left after I daughter had woke up - "You're probably with her and that's fine, just wanted to let you know that Alyssa is up and asking about you". He thanked me for not freaking out and actually letting him sleep once I knew he was there. Then he said that he thought maybe I would freak out because he wasn't downstairs but couldn't sleep and figured I would figure out.

But I was calm. I prayed a lot before and that helped. I did phone a friend, who is a mutual friend, and she helped a lot and prayed for us.

I want to continue changing my behavior and remaining calm. That is probably the biggest thing I need to change on a consistent basis. Not only will it help with my marriage but it is a life skill I need to be successful in all my future and current relationships (not just romantic but anything).

A new thing to work on is forgetting about OW. I know about her and that's enough. I can't make snide remarks or put her down or anything that could make me seem like the wench and her the victim. I also don't need to remind my husband about her at all. He doesn't need my help with that.

I jump to conclusions a lot which I need to work on. But I was a fool about the affair for so long that it makes me not want to be so naive anymore. I am definitely working on it.

I have a lot of things to work on! And I'm sure there is more too! I know there is! Being consistent is my biggest struggle right now. I know what I should be doing most of the time but I get in the heat of the moment, or tired, or stressed and it goes out the window.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
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Being fooled about the affair doesn't mean that in order NOT to be fooled about it that you're always pointing it out, and saying I know you're with her.

Right now? There is an affair. Until it is over that is the way it is. So there is no fooling you about it.OK?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Makes sense. I have a lot to learn in this area. I am taking it one day at a time. And trying to keep myself very busy so I don't think about it.

I was talking to our neighbor yesterday and she told me how the last time she saw him they were talking and he actually asked her if he should stop the divorce and how his dad was surprised that he hadn't yet. I'm not sure when this happened but it's interesting. Why he would be asking our neighbor about it I'm not sure. We're both acquaintances with her and our daughter plays with her daughter but not someone I would think he would be getting life changing advice from. I'm not really sure what she said about it but she did say not if you're going to cheat on her and she didn't even know he was cheating on me, she just assumed.

I'm just going to continue working on myself and my issues. Anything else I should be focusing on?


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
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Focus ONLY on yourself b/c you are the only factor in this equation that you can control.

So focussing on him, is useless. Focussing OW is useless. Both are counter productive.

you have already realized you do have some issues to work on and not just to save your marriage but to have a better life. "Losing it" often, feeling overwhelmed often, tired and getting physically sick which seems to correspond to how you feel emotionally

is not a way to live well. And it's not what you want to model for your d.

You do need a lawyer.
I am a L and I can tell you that if a hearing or divorce is anywhere near you in time (less than a month??) you MUST hire a L.

It's going to cost you far FAR MORE if you do not hire one. I'd sell jewelry before I'd go to court without a lawyer and I'd bet A LOT that your h has spoken to one on his own. (So has OW---esp if she's divorcing her h too)

I think you can buy an hour of the L's time at the very least and learn your rights.


It's possible that going back to work is NOT in your legal interest (even though it's very very likely you'd need to go back to work at some point and maybe, maybe going now is better).

It's just that when a divorce happens or support payments are determined, the bigger the disparity in income, the better for you in terms of how much he'd have to pay

OTOH he may resent that even more. So on one hand you need to protect yourself financially which COULD mean not working yet, and OTOH, you need to not escalate things w/your h.

Chances are he IS having some doubts and if you are the better choice,

time will reveal that. So, BE THE BETTER CHOICE...how is his r with his first wife?

And his daughter? And how is your r with her? Also, since you can't change the past, stop regretting not going back to work sooner.

You'll never get those 2 years back with your d so I'd say be grateful for the time you had with her. And move forward.

It's good that you know working on being CALM is so important

b/c calm people, serene people, are just way easier to be around. AND you'll be less needy as a direct result.

That's a life skill worth getting. It is also going to lead you to a happier life.


One exercise I used to stay calmer was to turn my marriage over to God. I also turned my pain/anger over to Him. Frankly, it was too much for me. And it's a form of what I call "active prayer".

I'd go in the shower so the kids didn't think I was nuts and I would literally say it out loud ("God, I turn this m over to you") maybe 100 times especially before I expected contact with h.

Thinking it, saying it and hearing yourself say it, helps it sink in.

It was soothing.

Good luck! I'll try to find Gabbysmom for you too.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

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Thanks to both of you.

I'm first going to ask him to postpone the divorce until I can get a probono lawyer. He doesn't have one. Doesn't mean he hasn't spoken to one but he doesn't have one. If we had waited until we could both afford one, we'd never get divorced (which would have been what I wanted). If that doesn't work than I'm at least going to see if I can get a consultation and go from there. Minus my wedding ring, I have no jewelry to sell.

Definitely been trying to focus on myself and "fixing" what I need to fix. Emotionally I've already come so far, but I know there is a lot I still need to work on.

I'm already back to work. That was one of our major problems. I only make minimum wage and work part-time. I'm going back to school in about 2 weeks.

His relationship with his ex-wife is okay now. They had a horrible divorce and it was very bad at first. She is very manipulative and mean. They are definitely doing better now. But she lives 2 hours away with the kids and so he doesn't get to see them very often. They are busy in activities so it's hard.

My relationship with his daughter has been interesting to say the least. I think I tried to step too much into the mommy role at the beginning when we had them more and she didn't like having one more person to tell her what to do. She is 14 and just having a hard time with life. I'm closer with my husband's son who is 17. He is such a sweet young man. He cried when he found out that we were getting divorced. I love them both so much and it breaks my heart that they have to go through this again.

I am definitely trying to be the better choice. I just need to keep working on me. I keep working on remaining calm and collected and happy. Not putting on a poor me attitude anymore.

Thanks ladies!

Great advice as usual!


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
Confirmed EA: 8/12
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GabbyMom I read some of sitch yesterday. Very similar to some of mine.

I think I may have gotten my husband to agree to postpone finalizing the divorce till I can get a probono attorney. He still wants to go to the hearing next week though. I think it's mostly for child support and we just need to fill out a form online. We both have the day off already and it's a bit late to postpone a Monday hearing date especially because he works when the courthouse is open.

I got a little emotional last night because we were talking about custody stuff. I can't stand the thought of being away from my daughter for a whole weekend. I'm not opposed to my husband getting our daughter, he's her father of course, but I have always seen her every single day except one day a couple weeks ago and I missed her soooooooooo much.

We've been fairly pleasant with each other. I've made some changes appearance wise, trying to take care of myself better and he seems to like them. He is still very sexually attracted to me.

We won't see each other much the rest of this week because we are working opposite shifts but I may see him when I get home from work if he's still up. He's going out tonight after work so I'm not sure when he will be home. I did get a little upset about that and should have caught myself. He didn't see our daughter at all yesterday because he went straight to his parents house to see his daughter (she's staying with them for the week) and he came home after our daughter was asleep. He was going to stay out there and go straight to work in the morning but he forgot clothes. Well he tells me last night that he may go out for drinks after work tonight and don't know when he'll be home. I unfortunately started guilt tripping him about not seeing our daughter at all for 2 days straight. He said they had lots of time over the weekend. He just doesn't get it. She was asking about him all day yesterday and doesn't understand. She wants to see daddy everyday. Stuff like that is hard for me to hold in because it's affecting her not just me. But I still need to stop.

Advice?


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
Confirmed EA: 8/12
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I struggle with that too. My kids are 12 and 14 and my H can go a week or 10 days without seeing, texting, or speaking to them. But, would it be any good for their relationship if you manage to guilt trip him into an obligatory visit instead of the super-fun drinks he wants to go out for?

You cannot control this; it just won't work.

You've got to make it as easy as possible for him to have a relationship with your daughter. Then let him make his own choices.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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I agree with you Adinva. It's just so hard because she doesn't understand why she hasn't seen her daddy. Guilt tripping won't get us anywhere though. It won't get us a better relationship and it won't help his relationship with our daughter either.

I appreciate the support, especially from someone who has been there!


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
Confirmed EA: 8/12
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Jessica, I think these ladies speak your language better than
I do. I am around however if you have anything specific, ok?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Thank you Jack. You have been incredibly helpful as well and I appreciate all the support you have given.

I'm still trying to figure out my goals and what needs fixing on my side. I'm working a day at a time but I can't tell if I've made any progress. Make sense?

Should I keep a lot of my reactions and our conversations. Figure out why I get set off and when. I need a game plan and a good one. I just don't want to spend all my time discussing my problems, I need to be a woman of action!


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
Confirmed EA: 8/12
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