DB Bootcamp - Jessica M with JackThreeBeans

[Jessica M.]

Sounds like a good plan.

We've been so busy that we don't spend a lot of time together. We keep each other updated on our daughter and he has been very helpful lately. He does dishes and some laundry. He's doing much better than I have been. I am so exhausted all of the time. I am having a hard time adjusting to working, especially since it is such a physically demanding job. I have so many things going on that it is hard to keep everything straight.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Have you adjusted yet to the schedule? Are you feeling better? How is home life ATM?

[Jessica M.]

I am still working on adjusting to my schedule. We just hired a babysitter for the next month so at least we won't be constantly scrambling for a babysitter.

I'm feeling better but I'm exhausted all the time from work. I'll get used to it eventually.

Life at home is okay. We are coparenting okay and splitting up responsibilities. My husband is actually doing a lot better than me. He's stepped up a lot and I appreciate it a lot and let him know.

We have a preliminary court hearing for August 13th and I think we'll determine child support then but that's all I know.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

How are you and your husband doing?

[Jessica M.]

I don't know. Sometimes I think we are doing okay and other times I think there is no hope.

We are very civil with each other. We talk about our daughter and tell each other about our days. There just doesn't seem to be anything else right now. I know it takes time and patience but I just don't know what to be doing right now.

I found out today that I can qualify for pro bono attorney through legal volunteers but it could take 6 months to get someone. So I'm back to square one with the attorney. I want to ask my husband if he will put the divorce on hold until I can get an attorney but we would still be separated and everything but I don't know if he will go for it.

Any advice?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Advice, sure ask him for the delay.

And specifics, why do some days do you think you're ok and some days not, what happens on those days?

I have a question for as a father and provider of my family. With bills and child, is there an equal division of labor?

Because is is really easy for one to feel like they are doing all the work and for resentment to build up, and I am wondering if that didn't happen with him.

[Jessica M.]

Some days it seems like we connect more and other days he just seems distant. It's hard to tell specifics. Right now he is working second shift like me and it is hard on him. He works 4pm-1am at a minimum and usually goes in early. I'm not sure how late he has been getting home because I'm usually sleeping. He's already gone for today because he had to be at work early and it's not even 3pm. He is very tired when on second shift and has a hard time getting adjusted to the swing shift. Then again, he's very tired on first shift too because he gets up early. He works a lot. He's been working seven days a week. Sometimes it's mandatory and other times he just works for the money.

Division of labor. Before he filed for divorce and I went back to work, he worked out of the home and I did 95% of the work that went into the home and taking care of our daughter.

Since he filed for divorce and I have went back to work, he has really been pulling his weight and I'm slacking and trying to figure out how to prioritze and get the energy to do everything that needs to be done. With him being on second though, he has not been doing as much. Which is hard because I'm on second too and tired as well.

I think resentment did build up because he was the only one working. We never had a rationale discussion of what would make me go back to work. When we got married and even before that, he knew I wanted to stay home to raise our children and he seemed on board with it. Lots of things happened and somewhere along the line he changed his mind. We didn't handle that well. I handled it very poorly and I have apologized. We should have discussed specifics about me eventually going back to work. He has different financial goals than I do and I tend to be content with what I have been blessed with and he mistakes that for not been driven. I am not a materialistic person anymore (used to be before I had my daughter). He's also older and has struggled financially a lot longer than I have.

Hope that clears a few things up!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

It does...

I'd ask for the delay in time so that you can get a pro-bono laywer. Worst thing he says is no.

I know you're tired and I also know you getting used to things...you do say he is stepping up more...

Being tired, I get it. I'm going to suggest that right now, right now? Pushing through that tired and not relying on him, is going to benefit you.

I'm not saying it will save your marriage. I'm am saying it will make you look better.

What if staying married meant less sleep?

[Jessica M.]

Well everything changed. I found out today that at minimum he is having an emotional affair and is in love with the woman. It is a woman from his second job. It has been going on for a year and they have looked at a house together. My daughter has been at her house and played with her children. She is in the middle of divorcing her husband as well. I am absolutely devastated. I have calmed down a lot but made quite a few mistakes today like leaving him nasty vm's and screaming on the phone at him. I even went to the girl's work but they have an intercom and she wouldn't come down to see me. But I said some pretty nasty things over the intercom. I'm not sure the extent of their physical relationship. He says that he's not sleeping with her but he's still cheating on me. I can't believe that he did this. He said on the phone that he didn't mean for this to happen and this isn't why the divorce is happening. I have a letter from him to her that seems to suggest otherwise.

I am livid right now!

I can't think straight!

Help!

[KeepingMyPromise]

I am new here, so I don't have advice to offer, but I'm very sorry about your husband's behavior. I would be devastated and livid, too. Hopefully one of the vets on here can help you with where to go from here.