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Not meaning to miss anything that you think is importnat, if I do...just point it out.

He doesn't trust your changes. Let me be blunt here... I don't trust your changes yet either. I believe in your intentions though...time will tell when changes are no longer called changes but just who you are now.

Did that make sense?

As for him and those changes? It screams trap. That is why consistency is so important when you do this.

Quote:

I feel like I don't have much to go on with regards to H. And I really want to heal myself and become a better person and I want to save my M


Currently? You don't. You have the power and ability to become a better person and heal...and that gives you a better chance at the other; saving your marriage.

The affair isn't the confusion part I was referring too. An affair is more standard than not. And you can get over it, and past it.

How did I get through this?

(sigh) yeah..., but I didn't do anything magical I didn't have any special trick I don't tell people about. I just did it, it wasn't easy, in fact it was one of the hardest things I have done.

If I could sum it up in one sentance?

I didn't need her to be happy; and I didn't realize that from a place of anger or giving up.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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I don think you have missed anything. I actually feel like I messed up o much that I don't know what's important or not. Before I found this sight I thought I had tried everything, I thought I had touched upon what was important.

So much self doubt now.

I agree...and I do not trust my changes either. In fact I just posted this on my thread....

I am so afraid to be myself because I don't know who that is yet. 
and even though I know the kind of woman I want to be, I do not yet trust myself with my new found knowledge and changes...what if i go back to what I was? What if.....he was right about me? 


So absolutely I cannot expect him to believe anything about me right now.

Jack3beans if I am really honest with you I am still very scared.

Over the past two years I have thought long and hard about this man. Aout what I feel about him, about my family, about what I value, believe in, etc. I know I love him. I know I value family and M and I know I want to stand for this M. And I also believe that if H felt he could come back he would. I know he values his children and family as well. But that I pushed him too far.

Ok...so right now, I have very little to go on with H. So...what am I in for?

You said confusion ....what is the confusion part you were referring to? I can get over this affair. And I want to get through this not from Anger or giving up. I think i see what you mean.

back to you......


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Quote:

But that I pushed him too far.


Nah... I'll point out the the most recent phone conversations you have had with him as an example of his behaviour toward your changing.

That deosn't mean he is coming home this weekend... It just means your changes do have an impact.

You want to know when things are 100% over?

When one of you is dead, because up until that point nothing that doesn't break the laws of physics is impossible, at worst it is simply improbable.

The affair isn't confusion. It is a symptom. A symptom of what?

Well the cynic can say of a weak willed husband.

Fine.

BUT...it was a symptom of a failing marriage.

A happily married man, doesn't f---sleep with another woman.
(Unless you husband was always a cheater? Those types do exist)


What are you in for?

Right now?

Not alot.

Keep doing things for yourself, keep bettering yourself, having fun. What you are learning now? This isn't just for you husband, it can be used for all your relationships, with your kids your parents and your friends. It would be nice to be able to use this with your husband too. So until then..practice.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Quote:

what if i go back to what I was? What if.....he was right about me?


ARE you making those changes because you didn't like the way you were before?

Or are you making those changes to make him happy?

Because only one of those answers is likely to make those changes last.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Because I didn't like who I was before


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
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A symptom of a failing marriage, yes...

Weak willed husband........... , yes......

So yes, I see both sides


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
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Posts: 2,595
I realised I didn't amswr something...no he was not always a cheater. he was unhappy I made him unhappy.

I will keep practicing and use in my other relationships.

The recent phone calls? Yes I said they were good, and positive and they were.

He called yesterday to ask about mine and the kids flight to germany( we travelled to Germany two days ago, but delays and rescheduling meant we had an overnight stay in Frankfurt which was a bit of a mess).

He was pleasant, engaging etc. ( as was I) Apologised for delaying Frankfurt, Told me when he is coming Germany, And even offered to book a reservation for me ( i did not ask him to do this). Told him how excited the kids were to see him, thanked him, etc. Another plesant, positive exchange. He is a nice man, he is generous and caring. So i take it at face value.

And i should leave it at that. But a new thought came to me...it could be that he is BEng friendly as well show me how much of a nice guy he is/will be despite his decisions...like I am being readied for the kill. The way he is thinking about M right now, it can only be a matter of time before he brings up D talk. I feel like I am racing against a timer that I have not set. Yes, it's his timeline.

That's the cynic in me and the one that panics and gets scared. He has lied to me for a long time. And so I feel like I have to cram all of this knowledge and change and behaviour etc in at once so that he slows down his timeline. So that he does stop and think ' oh wait, maybe there is something there'


You said once to me to just take things at face value. and I like that advice and that approach.

And even though I know there is a possibility he brings his OW to Germany and a possibility that he is mirroring me because of my changes, I still take it at face value.

I don't want to give up.

Its the weekend. I hope you have a great one.

Thank you jack3beans. You have been a rock for me.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Posts: 2,157
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do you want this thread 'stuck' or is it ok to unstick?


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I had a pretty good weekend, thanks.

The weak willed husband thing...I was being...sarcastic. While it is true to a point, and person who just grabs ahold of that as the only reason?

Not a good sign.

It takes two people to make a marriage fall apart. The person who takes no responsibility? I wouldn't be able to work with. : )

Glad you can. How was your weekend so far?

I'll be your rock until you can be your own. Just know that rocks aren't always nice. : )



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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unsitck please, free up some room.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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