Lol!!! No....will start with something raunchy...but, yes...it is on the reading list...come on....legit mummy porn?? Bring it! ;-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Lol!!! No....will start with something less raunchy...but, is it on the reading list...come on....legit mummy porn?? Bring it! ;-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I went through several threads on MLC as you advised ( there is a lot to read), And yes I think I see some warning signs.
> H's childhood trauma- his mother who he was very close to passed away when he was 14 from an fast and aggressive form of cancer. Immediately after, his sister ( who he is also very close to), left the house and the country ( from sudan to egypt) to start university. He was with his dad and an au pair for the next year. He was Not very happy obviously.
The following year, he moved to Egypt as well to finish school and enter university ( this is when we met). He lived with his sister and the au pair - his dad had to travel back and forth between the two countries for work.
I don't think h has ever fully dealt with his mother's loss
> after we got married, we moved back to Sudan. H joined family business. We had our kids, I was in a very bad place emotionally ( post partum, a little homesick, lonely) he started a new project out of town. Was gone a lot - I was with the two kids, started a part time job, we moved into a rental house and started to build our 'dream house'. I think this was a lot of pressure on him that was never acknowledged. He mentioned once that he thought I tried to do too much and was often stressed ( I didn't listen).
> pressure of new project is huge, in terms of scope and financially. Combined with depressed wife, and all the other factors mentioned .
> while this was happening, H's father, who remained a widower all of these years ( twenty plus) so that his focus would remain of his children ( all grown up now of course..H is youngest of three), decided to remarry. Both H and I were very happy for him to live his twilight years with a companion, but I actually never thought that this may have affected him more...pushed him down maybe...we never spoke of it, but in hindsight, definite withdrawal had begun around that time.
> meanwhile we start arguing more. I thought he was withdrawing. ( he was), he stopped talking to me. I would cry scream and yell. Provoke to get a reaction out of him cut him down ( yuck yuck)... Yet he wouldn't talk. I found out later this is when his friendship with OW started to become strong and private. It was happening and I did not know. In fact a lot was happening that I did not know about.
> we finally move into our dream house. One week later he tells me that OW is the only one he can speak too and she is the only one for him. I went ballistic then just fell. He immediately apologised and said he didn't mean it he was just lashing out because he was hurt. I didn't get it. I knew we were having problems but always thought they were workable.
A few weeks later he moved out of the bedroom and started saying maybe he should move out he needs space. I didn't understand. Fought him tooth and nail on this. I didn't understand what he meant and I Didn't understand why.
Then he said he didn't want to act like a couple anymore.
> fast forward four months of No talking except when we met in the kitchen, etc ( he wouldn't talk to me...said he was 'thinking'). H's father starts to become Sick. Like, not able to figure out why sick. H tells me he thinks we are over he is too far gone. In the meantime he has been talking a lot with OW...rumours begin about him and her. He denies. They are just friends.
> summer comes, he stops talking to me completely. I find out he goes to London and meets up with OW ( still just friends apparently) and some of her friends for a day. He becomes cold, mean and angry towards me.
> H's dad becomes increasingly worse. Whole family come together in Germany in summer to be with him. He has a mild recovery. Some relief. H remains cold, angry etc with me and no one else.
> we go back to Sudan, H had been adamant that he moves out but he didn't. For two weeks as soon as we arrive he is out all of the time. Won't tell me where. Lying, sneaking. Mean, angry, etc etc. After two weeks he tells me 'by the way (!!! Btw!!!?!!) , my father fell and broke his hip, I am going back to Germany'
> he leaves. Hear very little from him. He answers very little of my calls. About a month later I get a text ' just for your information (FYI??!!) father will not last much longer'
Me and the kids fly put that night.
H still very cold distant with me, even while at hospital as I am saying my goodbye to FIL ( I was crying and crying ...he didn't even offer me a pat on the back and would NOT let me comfort him at all)
> father in law passes, H starts running and never looked back. He dove into burial arrangements, lawyers, the will, etc. He flew back to sudan to bury his father there and I stayed in Germany with his sister to support her with family issues there ( H is half german half Sudanese..so family in both places) ( H didn't want me to come with him, in fact at the time he was pleased I was staying with his sitter t support her.....his older brother went with him)
> after a week, H comes back to Germany, I eventually go back to Sudan With kids for school.
>H stays in Germany for awhile dealing with some legal issues, despite being the younger brother, he is considered ' head of the family' pressure pressure pressure. He inherits family business, deals with lawyers, etc etc.
> H calls from Germany after a month and says he is coming back to Sudan but not coming back home.
> h moves in with Ow for about 6 weeks, then finds an apt. All this time he claims just friends.
so..... I don't know if this s what you are looking for jack3beans. I was thinking that his father's death may have been the trigger, or maybe the pressure of a young family, work etc. But is that MLC? I have often though that his mom's death is a source of depression for him.
After reading on the MLC am not sure I totally see the distinction between WAH and MLC.
Or is MLC a form of WAH?
I don't know. Sometimes I think he is MLC especially after his actions with the death of his father. He used a lot of the inheritance money on himself ( travelled A LOT for ' work' but also spent xmas and new years away from us the year his father passed which was strange). He bought a boat without telling me ( and e claimed he bought it for the family- then asked me to help name it) he bought an apartment in Dubai without telling me then said it was an investment as he was renting it out ( this I found out is true- but he did all of this without telling me) Started hanging out with new friends ( OW's friends) detached from our group pf friends, my family, his family.
And generally has just been away. Not settled at all. He rented a n apt but God knows how much he actually slept there.
He then moved a few months ago to a different place ( again did not tell me when it happened), to a cousin's apartment so he wouldnt have to pay rent.
Then after buying a small local fast food place ( again he did not tell me he was going to do this), which is quite popular locally and he had plans to expand it he decided that he would basically 'give up' all business where we live, including his father's company, and invest practically everything in the south of the country ( yes-- south Sudan ) which makes very very little business sense for most people that I have spoken to. But, OW has also decided ( coincidentally) to move her business ( well -start up business) there. So there they are now together.
Crazy, irrational decisions. But why do I know?
I don't know if this is what you are looking for in terms of a response jack3beans. I am sorry if this is way too long and I am way off topic.
So..... Are you still there?
Thanks jack3beans....I hope you are having a good day.
My day was pretty good actually. Actually put on some music and enjoyed it and did a little dance as well. ;-)
Leaving to Germany after tomorrow for leg three of summer holiday. H comes at some point while we are there.
Oh. Gosh how did I forget to mention this...another warning sign...H has moved farther and farther away from our two children. He used to be considered ' the best father ever' by our friends. Hands on, involved, etc etc. Now he barely speaks to them once a week if that. He hasn't seen them since March ( because he is in south sudan) except for our 5 days in dubai and Even then he didn't stay in the hotel with us. This is a man that would call almost daily, Skype etc when he would travel.
So that's what I have for now.
Take care jack3beans....
Have a good night
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
First, I never found it easy to repost the past, it would affect me, it would reopen wounds. So take so time for yourself and heal up after that.
That is awesome and detailed history, and very helpful; thank you.
If he has access to your computer make sure you wipe the history of this site. You might be tempted to leave this place or the marriage books lying around so he can 'see them'...that doesn't work out very well for most people. The reason being it shows that you are actively opposing the WAH's choice. : ) Be sneakier.
As for MLC or WAH...
It's not my place to tell people what I think...I'm not a professional in that field.
I did outlast what I fully believe to be my wife's MLC however. I also think I know what a MLC looks like...but I really really hesitate to say "Your spouse is having a MLC".
Nearly half of the mental health professionals do not believe in MLC. This also means that nearly half do. However; an MLC lacks 'tangible' evidence it is hard to prove it.
Some things, from my experience and limited research, not saying I talked to 1000's of people here : ) (nor if I did, does that make me an expert) point to some sort of traumatic event in the person's past (childhood) that they were unable to deal with at the time. Something triggers that memory later in life, and suddenly that person is not quite the same.
Not until they deal with it.
And then they also have to deal with the fallout of their actions and the consequences of their choices during their MLC.
MLC = Confusion. (to me)
They say they want a divorce, but never get around to doing it, they never really completely follow through.
So that's it to sum up for me:
You cannot save them from an MLC, but can CAN outlast their MLC.
To that end dettaching and GALing will help you out.
Dettaching from their drama, not getting onvolved with it, not caring what they are doing.
H started to rewrite history. He went from saying he was unhappy for the past 2 years of the marriage to since before our secod child was born. He even said at one point that maybe we never did have true love when we married.
When i found out about the EA he blamed me and said ' i told you i wanted a divorce'.
he will not seek outside help, therapy etc.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
He has claimed he has wanted a divorce since day 1 of is whole nightmare but doesn't do anything about it...I have considered this a secret blessing of time.
You are right, some wounds opened up last night after posting to you. Will work on PMA.
So, i understand about not being able to 'identify' MLC or not. Do you think it matters in this sitch? of course I have screamed MLC 1000 times in my head so that I would feel better ( i can 'rationalise' his actions with MLC), but I also understand that in terms of m DB techniques, it shouldn't matter.
After he sent the last email to me saying he was DONE ( he didn't want to talk anymore, he didn't want to read anymore, he didnt want advice anymore, didn't want suggestions from me on how we could try and R) he said he wanted to 'try his luck with someone else', but swore there was no one else in the background.
About three weeks later he was in PA with OW. That didn't seem like confusion
to me. But who knows. Maybe his confusion had been his moments of softening with me then his pulling back?
Maybe he is a bit of both?
You asked me where I was. I am generally very calm and I feel stronger and empowered. This came from starting NC 6 weeks ago. But I have not seen him a lot either. But it has been healing for me in that sense.
I fall down still but not as hard and frequently as I have in the past.
When I saw H in Dubai I was nervous more than anything. I didn't want him to see my pain anymore. I had been so vulnerable, weak for so long, I wanted my self esteem back.
I think I managed to be friendly and distant, upbeat and easy going for the most part. And while some of it was acting as if ( like was quite bothered that he did not take a room in the hotel we were at so he could be around the kids), I also understood that he was/ is probably quite weary of the pre DB me( the only one he really knows).
I think he doesnt know what has happened in terms of my sudden 180. I am sure he thinks it's me just masking a volcano of anger. ( I know...mind reading...), but he told me I would never change and he told our friends that 'they will see how mean and angry I can get'. This has not happened. And this has not happened because I never wanted to be that mean and angry person but had let me fear and hurt consume me for so long that meanness and anger became my MO in my M.
I could not expect H to understand that if I didn't either.
But I hated myself back then. Really. Again H did not understand that ( neither did I). Now that I have started learning, I am letting go of past fears and hurts and the anger is also fading. I am starting to like myself again.
I do not initiate contact with H. He gets in touch maybe every 4 or 7 days or so to touch base with the kids. We have had a few emails for business matters and Lately our last few calls are friendly, upbeat and we even shared a laugh or two.
This is a huge 180 for me. I was always initiating calls, trying to make conversation, telling him about what's going on with me, work, life etc, telling him he should call the kids more, facilitating their relationship, talking about R, drunk texting... ( how attractive is that?!). He would be distant, often not even answer my calls or texts, claim he was busy when he did, etc etc.
I noted on my thread that in our past two calls I feel like he has been mirroring me actually. This, while still very fresh to say it is actually happening, is something very new in our sitch. Before he was simply just a jacka$$ whether I was upbeat or not.
I feel like I don't have much to go on with regards to H. And I really want to heal myself and become a better person and I want to save my M.
I see him soon again. Me and kids leave to Germany tomorrow and H meets up with us there in the next two weeks.
So jack3beans, getting a lot of work done? ;-)
How are you today?
Can I ask about you a bit? How did you get through it????
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
