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AJM Offline
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Awesome! Glad you're GAL'ng.
And thanks for the well wishes. Vacation has been AWESOME!! Went to the olympics (I didn't qualify (nor did I try) but took my son for his 15th birthday) - it's been a blast!!

Look forward to hearing about it.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Yes, I had a great time with my friend and really do need to spend more time doing things for me. In the next week or so I'm getting headshots done, so I've got a facial and a few other things to look forward to.

I wrote a long post on my other thread, but extremely long story short, I did keep to my boundaries and while I'll do anything for my SS, H will most likely be on his own for a while.

I do still love him and care for him, but it may take him losing all of his real friends for him to rethink his decisions.

The Olympics? How fun! I went to a few of the events for the 96 games in Atlanta, but I'd do anything to go back to the UK.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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The trip back was a bit rough, but it was a great time. Very interesting and really great to spend that time with my son like that.

Headshots?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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Yes, I work in marketing, so every few months or so I need new headshots so the companies know who is representing their brands. I can't get much work without good ones.

Right now I'm busy with my MIL and SS11 at my apt while H is out of town. Less than a week before SS goes home, so I'm trying to enjoy every day.

I promise to have better updates on my goals after this next week is up. I can't spend too long on the computer when my MIL wants to chat.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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Gotcha. Keep that PMA and enjoy the days!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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Ok, I finally have a free moment to update.

I've been doing really well on my boundaries. H kept trying to overstep, but I put my foot down and refused to allow it. He got angry, but I kept with it.

I also decided to state another boundary. No late night phone calls. H had a habit of calling me between 12-1 am to chat. He probably starting doing this again in the last 2-3 months.

At first, I would take any opportunity to hear from him, but decided that it was just interrupting my sleep. And either he'd say something that would upset or unnerve me, or he'd say something nice and just confuse the heck out of me.

Either way, it didn't make it easy to go back to sleep, so after a late call on Friday, I sent him a text asking him to keep all conversations to the daytime, unless it was an emergency.

I'm proud of myself for doing that. It would be nice to be H's last call of the night, but only if he really wants that and not because he's lonely or drunk. I deserve better than that.

It was great to have my MIL here for a few days. She was able to see for herself just how chaotic things can be when H keeps changing his mind and refusing to give us info. It was nice to have confirmation that it is indeed strange and I'm not the one going crazy.

It's been exhausting these last few weeks trying to keep all of this confusion from SS. He's a smart, sweet kid and I just wanted to protect him from all of it. He's on his way back to NY, so now it's time to concentrate on me for a change.

I've been keeping my PMA and being thankful for everything in my life that is going well. Every little thing counts.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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Kind of nice sometimes to get that affirmation that you're not crazy, no? smile

Glad for the boundaries and glad you're doing well and focusing on you. Keep it up!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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Posts: 513
I think I've moved on and then something happens to upset me again. The other day I noticed two volleyball reg charges on my Amex card. I texted H to let him know, just in case he was double charged. He didn't respond and I didn't think much of it.

Today I discovered that his "friend" is now signed up on the league. So I really can believe none of what he says. I'm just so upset that he is taking her to places where people know that he's married.

If he wants to try to be with her (even though she thinks he's too old, her parents wouldn't like it, and she doesn't want a kid), he's free to do that once we're divorced, but right now his friendship is truly crossing a boundary.

So now I'm trying to decide if I'm strong enough to pull off the "after the lrt" that is mentioned in DR (my own copy of which, incidentally, arrived in the mail today), where I basically tell him I love him enough to let him go and go NC, so he can see that there will be no R of any kind if he continues with her.

H thinks that since she doesn't want to be with him, they're just friends and I should still be able to be friends with him too and accept that. I've tried to pretend she doesn't exist, but I feel like I'm acting like a fool. This isn't the H I married and I'm not sure if I could be friends with him after this is all said and done.

Should I stick with the LRT as I was doing it, along with my 180s, or should I just move into the ALRT? I don't want to over react, but maybe he does need to see that his behaviors have consequences.

H keeps saying that he's delayed filling out the forms because I'd have no reason to talk to him any more and he's afraid of losing me, so that's why I think this may be the way to go.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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Just for the sake of argument, last resort is just that. Last resort. To be effective in any way, you have to be willing to walk away. It's for when you get to a point where you say enough is enough, regardless of the outcome, you're not going to live like this any longer. Period.

You do it for you and for you only.

He seems to want to stay connected. Why is that, do you think?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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AJ,

Why does he want to stay connected?

Well, I know that he's told my mom that he was so happy to have me in his life because he hung out with a bad crowd before and I really helped him improve his life. He even told her that when we visited her at Christmas, just 3 months before BD.

So many of his friends who knew him before we met have told me how happy he seemed after he met me, that he'd really gotten his life on the right track.

Even his IC told him in late June or July that he really needed to keep me in his life because I'm a good influence on him and I really believe in him.

Maybe a small part of him does realize that his life is/was good with me in it. Even he has said in the last week or so that I'm the only who who has never hurt him or abandoned him when things got hard, like all of his fair weather friends. But they are fun and exciting, and "take his mind off of everything that is going wrong in his life" (his words).

But, as good as I may be for him, he really isn't showing me that he can be there for me. This week, when he was out of town, I got calls or texts every day. One text even said we should meet up for drinks some time because he still wants to be friends.

He got home Thursday sometime and I haven't heard anything from him other than a "have a good day" tm on Friday, the day he was supposed to be bringing me a check for $500 on bills I've paid. Now I may be getting it Sunday night or Monday am, although it was first promised to me on Aug 2nd. I'm definitely not a priority.

Oh, another good reason for him not to file is that he knows I'm canceling all of the credit cards where he's a joint user. He has horrible credit and needs at least one card for work. He keeps telling me that he doesn't understand why I need to cancel them, because I should trust him to keep paying. Can't trust him to keep his marriage vows, but the credit cards must be sacred!

I'm not sure if I can be comfortable with him just deciding to change the rules and just be my friend instead of my husband. Do I really need a friend who plays by his own rules? The best friend that I married would never have been so inconsiderate.

So he may have a reason to hang onto me, but if he doesn't change, I don't think I have a reason to stay with him. He's told me that he thinks he's in love with this girl, but I shouldn't be concerned because she doesn't want him.

I do love him, but even I am beginning to wonder if there is a way to come back from this and have a new M with him. I know it's a last resort, but I may need to do it. That way at least I would have some control over the sitch.

I'm confused, hurt, and frustrated. I like having a plan and living in chaos is so stressful.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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