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It is very difficult to practice.

You have goals and it looks like plenty of them. School, work, getting a life.... You have a full plate if you ask me.

Your goals seem on target and you "know" what it is you need to do regarding your H. You also know what you want in terms of your restord marriage.

Here's something to consider though. Your marriage as you knew it, is over. That's important to realize. Whatever happens next is new and likely better - with or without your H. You are changed in that regard and so is he. It can be good though.

Keep at it. You're doing very well with your understanding and you have some solid goals around your life.

Are there some things you want to change about you?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Yes, there are quite a few things I'm working on for myself.

As a planner, I have a tendency to think in the future and always be considering my next move. That means I don't always take the time to enjoy the present.

H is more present oriented and we should have rubbed off on each other more, but now it's up to me to work on that.

I was so busy planning our retirement and future together that I didn't enjoy the moments we did have together. I know now that I can't take anything for granted as the future isn't promised to me.

This led me to take on as many work projects as possible, to pay our house reno's and retirement planning, at the expense of spending time with extended family.

Now, I appreciate every moment I have. Each time I see H's family, I know it might be the last, so I made sure not to miss Thanksgiving, Christmas, or any other chance I had, even if I spent more time on the road driving there then I was able to be there. My priorities have changed.

Having money in the bank is important, but it can't keep me company at night. As Suze Orman says, "people first, then money, then things." I guess it just took something this extreme for me to realize that's not how I was living.

I've also spent most of my life being extremely logical, letting facts take precedence over emotions. I wasn't Spock, but pretty close to it.

H used to complain that I didn't express how I felt. I was always thinking and planning, not really feeling, so I never knew what to say.

So while I'm not happy about this sitch, when H first told me that he was considering a life without me, it definitely opened the floodgates of my emotions. What do you know? I am an emotional person.

Maybe if I'd realized that earlier, it would have been easier to show H that I did love him and need him. I can't change the past, but I can make sure I don't make the same mistake in the future.

It's still hard for me to express them, especially as I feel that it may be too late to make a difference for us, but I'm trying.

I also have a tendency to be sarcastic and perhaps even condescending. I think it's a way of trying not to show my feelings, especially when I'm hurting.

I don't intentionally try to hurt anyone, but it seems that I have. So I know I need to work on making sure that my next partner understands how important he is to me and that I'd never hurt him.

I've always wanted to show that I'm tough and independent, not needing to rely on anyone. And while I need to do that now, it's not the best attitude to have when you're in a relationship.

I need to learn how to show that I'm vulnerable. That terrifies me because I don't like to admit it.

When I started dating H, I felt that he was the one person who would never hurt me. I was worried that I'd hurt him. I guess I did, and he just couldn't put up with it anymore.

I know that I'm not perfect, far from it, but I tried to hide it. My self preservation ended up damaging my M which wasn't my intention at all.

Maybe this is how I can bring up R'ville to H. Explain to him that it is for couples, but I need to work on my communication and other skills. I can't go alone, so I'd appreciate if he'd go with me.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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Actually, you can go alone to R'ville if I remember correctly. It might be worthwhile too.

Sounds like you actually have quite a few goals. Have you written them down in a single list? That makes them real smile

Being vulnerable is hard to do. You have to feel safe to do it. You have to work at it, but so does your partner.

I'm curious though. Why did you feel you had to be tough and independent and not show your emotions?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hey SBR, how's things?


AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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Why did I feel that I had to be tough? You know, I'm not really sure. I've been like that since I was a kid, but I don't know why it started.

If I seemed tough, no one could hurt me. Even if they did, I could hide it so they'd never know. I'm not sure why I felt like I had to do that.

This week has been a roller coaster. The first two or three days I had no communication with H, except a few texts about the house. On Wednesday, he texted to borrow the blender and said that I was welcome to come to the house and play board games.

Shocking himc , I'm sure, I agreed (I never play board games!)and had a pretty good time over there. I stayed up til 2 even though I had to wake up by 5 (another 180) and enjoyed myself.

The next day I went by the house to pick something up and H invited me to come back that afternoon to get lunch. I agreed.

Friday the AC went out in my apt, so H told me that I could stay at the house. I went over and was asked if I wanted to join him and his friends at one of my fave restaurants. I agreed and had a good time.

I was a little disappointed that he'd taken a pic of the guys at the table and tagged them in a FB post about being out with good friends. No mention that I was there, but I know I shouldn't let it bother me.

Right now, I'm just trying to get all of the last minute home repairs done to the house so it can close on the 30th. I've asked H to get some estimates and call the plumber, but he isn't working as fast as I'd like.

His S comes into town next week and he'll probably be starting a job soon, so I'd like as much of the work done as early as possible so he isn't overwhelmed. And I know that if he doesn't get to it, I'll be forced to do it since my name is on the mortgage so it's ultimately up to me.

It's really starting to hit me that the house will be sold soon and H and I won't have anything keeping us connected.

Even though I haven't lived there in a year, I still used that as my address for the stability. I don't like moving around and that's why I bought a house here as soon as H and I were serious.

I'll finally get to see if H will make any effort to see me when we're not living less than a mile from each other. I think I'm just afraid that I already know the answer to that.

Added to that is the realization that I really can't afford to stay in my apt for another year, especially after I use most of my savings to close on the house, so I've been apt hunting as well. It finally got to me today and I've been crying over the thought of not having a permanent place to live anymore that I can call my own.

I feel very down today and just want to get through all of these decisions that are weighing down on me. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully I'll cope better.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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Good to hear you had a good time. Sounds relaxing.

If you were to find out (God forbid, but hypothetically speaking) that you had 6 years to live, would you be happy being known as tough and invlunerable? Would you feel like you missed out on "something" because of that wall? Don't get me wrong, there's a time and a place for that. I'm just curious. I'm also curious to know how others would view you - thoughts?

Something to consider is that a house is just...a house. You can get another at a later date. You'll be surprised how easy that can be. And sometimes we have to lose it all to get something better, right?

Something I noticed in your posts. Try not to have expectations right now of H. The FB posts etc. Think of it this way: if you got what you expected, you might miss something better, even where your H is concerned. smile

Your plans are in motion and will be completed before long. Don't get discouraged. Time can be your best friend. As far as time goes, there are many on these boards that spent years in that state of limbo. It can be done (I'm in that group). It's not a good feeling, but it's not impossible and it has its benefits.

And you're right, tomorrow is another day and it's bound to be a great one..if you make it that way. It's all about perspective.

smile
Peace!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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do you want this thread 'stuck' or is it ok to unstick?


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I'm okay with it being unstuck. Either way is fine with me.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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Thanks AJ for all your feedback.

I thought I was doing well, because I didn't have expectations that H would act like a husband, but that was because I just replaced them with expectations that he'd treat me as well as he treats his friends.

Right now, I'm in limbo, where he'll spend time with me if he has no one else around or at night when he's lonely. So I need to give up all expectations and take things as they come.

I don't act tough around my friends. I haven't told most of them much of my sitch, other than H is trying to figure out what he wants, so we're separated right now, but I've never tried to hide my feelings.

I think it's only in relationships that I'm worried that I'll lose myself if I'm not strong or independent enough.

My friends, guys and girls, all think that I'm a great person and aren't sure why H wouldn't want to be with me anymore. They know that I'm loyal and nice to everyone.

It's not so much the physical house that I'm scared of losing. When H first told me he wasn't sure what he wanted, I was the one who immediately said we had to sell it.

We've had so many projects to do, that after a year or so I seriously looked into selling it and moving into an apartment with H so we didn't have the stress of home repairs and could concentrate on our future.

It would have been an apartment we would have been able to afford for years at a time, so we wouldn't constantly be moving. I just want the stability of being in one place for awhile.

I consider myself a Buddhist and didn't think that I had that many attachments to stuff, but I am definitely attached to the feelings of safety and stability that I felt they provided.

I really like the idea that "sometimes you have to lose it all to get something better". Maybe that should be my new mantra.

I think I'm putting aside thoughts of R'ville for now. H is definitely not up for it and he'll have his son that weekend, so it would be difficult to convince him. It'll be back in town in October; maybe we can go then if H changes his mind. He wouldn't get much out of it now since he doesn't consider us a couple at this point.

I plan to go apartment hunting this week to see what my options are. I have almost two months to decide where I'm going, but only two weeks to decide if I'm staying where I am. I love it, but it's pricey and I really should be trying to save money now.

I have lots of decisions to make, but I get to be in charge. I found a plaque at a store the other day with this quote from Dr. Seuss.

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go

I may go back and buy it. It wasn't that expensive and might be good to have as a daily reminder on my wall.

Today is a better day than yesterday and I'm looking forward to tomorrow.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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Buddhist? Isn't there a saying..If it hasn't happened yet, it isn't time for it to yet?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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