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sgctxok Offline OP
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I've been separated for just over a year now. My H had to deal with his son moving away because his stepdad joined the army, had his work contract end, and limited contact with me while I was in India for 5 weeks.

According to the MC that we saw, he was so upset at losing me, that he decided it would be easier to let me go on his own terms than ever have to deal with the possibility in the future. In the last year we've also had depression and a possible MLC to deal with.

I definitely need help setting short term goals and being held responsible for DBing the proper way. I have a tendency to think that my M is different and I can do things my own way. I need to stay on track and follow the program.
_________________________
M-34 H-33
M-4.5 T-6.5
4/11 H is confused
5/11 ILYBNILWY
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW is gone
5/12 2nd OW, now gone, H wants D to explore his options
Trying to let go and let God--not easy!

Last edited by dbmod; 07/08/12 11:14 PM.

sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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sgctxok Offline OP
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that quote was from sweetbabyred


We need a vet:

I SUGGEST someone who will help her follow the program (male or female)....and work through the steps (either in DR or KLA, but definitely goal setting)

Someone with experience with the military situation might also work.


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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AJM Offline
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Is SweetbabyRed on this thread?

Goal setting and military are my bread and butter. Happy to oblige....

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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That would be awesome AJM. I guess I get lost because I'm not sure if I should be working on 180s or moving into LRT/NC.

I don't really know if I need much help with the military sitch because that is my stepson's stepfather's job, so I don't really have much to do with that.

I've been working crazy hours this week, so I haven't posted much, but I have been reading as many posts as I can.

I'm a planner and organizer, so if I could have a some concrete goals to work on, I'd find it easier.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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Ok. How about starting with a full description of what's going on? What you're doing?

Part of this process is to set the goals, see what's working and re-evaluate. I think that starting at the beginning and seeing how things are going, what's working, what's not, and what your goals are would help get the ideas out.

Sound good?
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Ok, I'll start from the beginning but try to keep it as short as possible.

Last April, one day after coming home from a five week volunteer trip to India, I was told by H that he wanted more kids (he has a S10 from previous R) and that if I didn't want that, we needed to D.

I was about to start grad school, he was in between jobs, so we had no maternity coverage, and we still had a ton of projects we wanted to complete on the house, so we were in no way ready to have kids.

Not to mention that with his best friend living with us, his S didn't have his own room, so where would we put a new child?

After a few sessions of MC in Dec/Jan the MC thought that H was so scared over the possibility of losing me (because we had very limited communication while I was gone-no electricity often so no email and unable to call US for days at a time)that he never wanted to go through it again and decided to break off the M.

About a month ago, I read through our skype chats from my last week in India and I really agree with the counselor's assessment. He told me to come home immediately, because he didn't know how he'd live without me and didn't like the thoughts in his head.

He spent most of the summer going out all night with new friends. I was unable to sleep or eat for days on end.

H wanted to live separately, so it was decided that he and his friend would stay in the house while it was on the market and I would move to an apartment in July.

By this point, I'd realized that I was in my mid 30s and did want children, so I couldn't put it off forever. I told him so, thinking that maybe he wouldn't feel the need for a D, but he said he wasn't sure he could believe me.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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continued...

H had visions that maybe we'd date each other while separated, since there were some other issues we needed to work on, but we never really did that.

His S moved to NY in August, and has visited in December and March, so we've been in contact about him since I still want to be in his life. We've also had to communicate about the house since it's still on the market, although I think it may be sold by the end of this month.

This whole time, at least until this May, he's been saying that he's confused and doesn't know what he wants, but he doesn't want to go back to the old R. I've changed, and know that we have a lot of things we could improve, so I don't want that either.

So he's been going out and acting like a single man, has had two girlfriends (both young and completely inappropriate for him according to all of his friends), but hasn't actually filed the papers.

This may, he did pay several hundred dollars to get the do it yourself forms, but hasn't started to fill them out yet.

When that happened, H told me that we needed to be divorced so we could move on, since no one really wanted to date him until he was officially divorced. (Poor H!) But after we moved on, then maybe we could get back together in the future.

I can't figure out why you'd D someone that you still think that you might want to be with in the future? Shouldn't you work hard at it until you're sure that it's not meant to be?

He stopped going to MC because the MC told him that he was saying he wanted a child, but that he didn't want to be with me because I was too responsible and wouldn't go out with him all of the time. She said that those two things couldn't happen at the same time and asked if he wanted to be married.

According to H, that meant that the MC felt that it wasn't going to work between us, even though she had stated that if two people wanted a M to work, it could, even if there had been infidelity, abuse, or any other number of problems. So I feel that it was a complete cop out.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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continued...

H started drinking more heavily by April and I really feel that he was in another depressive episode, so I was really worried about him. By the end of May he started to go to IC, so I think he is starting to improve at least a little on that end, but he still has low self esteem and tells me that I can do better. He says that he doesn't understand why I still love him and stick around him when no one else will.

I've known him for 6.5 years and know how loving and caring he is, so how he can compare me to 20 something strippers and other new "friends" who are just using him baffles me.

His LL are words of affirmation and gifts, so while I've been trying not to do any gifts recently, I do make sure to thank him anytime he does anything nice or anything I need.

One of his complaints was that I never initiated ML, so I've done that a little, but told him that I understand it's not going to bring us back together and it's purely physical. He keeps reminding me of that, but wants me to spend the entire night at the house when I do go over.

I thought that might be a good sign, but then I read Brit's post about using H to help her get over loneliness, so maybe that's all he's doing.

Once the house is sold, I won't really have any reason to contact him, other than about my SS10. I don't often contact him now, but I do still hear from him almost every day.

I'm an introvert who works with people all day, so at night, I'd usually just want to relax even though H wanted to go out at the last minute. Now that I'm by myself, I take every opportunity to go out with friends, so that's a 180 and GAL in itself.

I know that I get jealous when he goes out with friends, most of whom are girls that I don't know, so I need to work on not letting that show. H knows that I don't mind female friends, as long as I know them and would be invited along if I wanted, but I'll have to work on that if/when we decide to work on our R.

I'm torn between trying to show him that I'll always be there for him, especially because of his depression, and going low or NC to show him what life will really be like if he chooses to divorce me.

I don't really have any concrete goals right now, so I think that's why I'm really confused and can't tell if things are improving at all.

In three weeks, Retrouvaille is in town, and I think I'd like to go, but I'm not sure how I'd bring it up to him without scaring him off by thinking that I'm trying to stop the D.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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AJM Offline
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Quote:
I can't figure out why you'd D someone that you still think that you might want to be with in the future? Shouldn't you work hard at it until you're sure that it's not meant to be?
He has some growing up to do if you ask me. He is confused even if he isn't saying it. He wants "something" but he isn't sure what it is. He's searching, no? The depression is part of it in my opinion.

Quote:
H started drinking more heavily by April and I really feel that he was in another depressive episode, so I was really worried about him. By the end of May he started to go to IC, so I think he is starting to improve at least a little on that end, but he still has low self esteem and tells me that I can do better. He says that he doesn't understand why I still love him and stick around him when no one else will.
Really? You don't understand that statement? "I've treated you horribly and you're still here!?!??" smile

Quote:
I thought that might be a good sign, but then I read Brit's post about using H to help her get over loneliness, so maybe that's all he's doing.
there are others that restored their marriages and did exactly this during the crazy phase. You are not crazy, but this may be part of it. You won't know until much later, but it is your choice to figure out what you want to do...

Quote:
I don't really have any concrete goals right now, so I think that's why I'm really confused and can't tell if things are improving at all.

In three weeks, Retrouvaille is in town, and I think I'd like to go, but I'm not sure how I'd bring it up to him without scaring him off by thinking that I'm trying to stop the D.
I hear goals in your post. For example, you'd like to restore your relationship with your H. You'd like to be there with him. You'd like to have him go to R'ville with you.

What I'm not getting is what YOU want out of this.

My thought is that since you can't make sense of what he wants, or says, or does, you may need to step back and figure out what you want with or without him. Honestly. Actions and feelings aside from the recent past, what is it you want?

My other thought is that he has some issues he needs to deal with. You may not be able to help with them.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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Originally Posted By: AJM
Quote:
I can't figure out why you'd D someone that you still think that you might want to be with in the future? Shouldn't you work hard at it until you're sure that it's not meant to be?
He has some growing up to do if you ask me. He is confused even if he isn't saying it. He wants "something" but he isn't sure what it is. He's searching, no? The depression is part of it in my opinion.

He's definitely searching for that one experience or woman who can make him happy. And of course that hasn't happened, even when he has found other women he's interested in. I know that he won't be happy with anyone until he's happy with himself, but he doesn't see it that way. I'm just not fun enough or similar enough for it to work according to him.

Quote:
H started drinking more heavily by April and I really feel that he was in another depressive episode, so I was really worried about him. By the end of May he started to go to IC, so I think he is starting to improve at least a little on that end, but he still has low self esteem and tells me that I can do better. He says that he doesn't understand why I still love him and stick around him when no one else will.
Really? You don't understand that statement? "I've treated you horribly and you're still here!?!??" smile

Okay, I do understand that. But I think a big part of that relates to his father leaving his mom for OW when he was about 10 years old and pretty much ignoring the family from then on. His dad felt it was H's job to keep in contact with him and H still has a lot of resentment over that and abandonment issues. Understandably. So if his own father won't stick around, why should anyone else?

Quote:
I thought that might be a good sign, but then I read Brit's post about using H to help her get over loneliness, so maybe that's all he's doing.
there are others that restored their marriages and did exactly this during the crazy phase. You are not crazy, but this may be part of it. You won't know until much later, but it is your choice to figure out what you want to do...

I think I'll take this on a day to day basis, just like everything else. If I feel that H is just using me and is completely done, I'll stop. Right now it could be helping him see some of my changes, so I'll stick with it.

Quote:
I don't really have any concrete goals right now, so I think that's why I'm really confused and can't tell if things are improving at all.

In three weeks, Retrouvaille is in town, and I think I'd like to go, but I'm not sure how I'd bring it up to him without scaring him off by thinking that I'm trying to stop the D.
I hear goals in your post. For example, you'd like to restore your relationship with your H. You'd like to be there with him. You'd like to have him go to R'ville with you.

Yes, I'd like to restore/transform my relationship and I think R'ville could help, but I'm not sure if those are goals, or just hopes! I think I need much smaller things to work on that are actually within my control.

What I'm not getting is what YOU want out of this.

My thought is that since you can't make sense of what he wants, or says, or does, you may need to step back and figure out what you want with or without him. Honestly. Actions and feelings aside from the recent past, what is it you want?

I have lots of goals that don't directly concern H.

1. My biggest goal right now is to work on my budget and decide where I plan to live when my lease is up in Sept. Should get the new rental amount by the end of this week from my current complex and can actively work on it.

2. Continue to earn enough money from freelance/ independent contractor work to support myself and..

3. Pay for graduate school and finish in a reasonable amount of time. 6 credits done, 30 to go. I just can't let my emotions overwhelm me and slow down my progress.

4. Continue to work out regularly to stay in shape and get in even better shape. I'd love to go back to boot camp again if I can fit it in the budget.

5. Spend time GALing and being with friends as much as possible. It's not as much fun to be a homebody when no one else is ever here with me.

I'm sure I have even more things that I'm working on, but can't think of at the moment. I'm a planner, so coming up with ideas and plans is never difficult for me.


My other thought is that he has some issues he needs to deal with. You may not be able to help with them.

AJ

I know he has things to deal with, low self esteem, depression, and abandonment issues being just three of them. It's hard for me to be on the sidelines and not try to help. That's not what he wants or needs right now, so I definitely need to detach myself from that at the very least.



AJM, you've given me a lot to think about. I need to focus on my own goals since I can actually control those. I also want to learn as much about relationships/communication as I can so that the next relationship that I'm in, with H or not, won't have the same issues.

I need to let H figure out things on his own and not pressure him to hurry up or point him in the right direction. As the saying goes, "those convinced against their will, are of the same opinion still." So to have any chance, I need to lie low for awhile and just see what happens.

Logically, I know this, but it's just very difficult to practice.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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