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Thanks, labug.

The truth is my emotions are on a roller coaster too. I'm rarely sad a whole day any more.

I'll cry for a while, very intensely. Then try to refocus and read something to see the big pic once again.

By nature, I'm generally a happy, sanguine person.

So....when I'm sad it destroys me and I hate it, I guess.

Limbo land must've been a bad choice. It just seems like "how long is this going to go on land?" Patience isn't one of my natural qualities. And, truthfully, I would like to be more of a patient, calm person. This experience will teach me that.....I just want to hurry up and get there!!!!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Seeing the big picture is key. We must remember this... smile


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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I haven't been known as a patient person but my H has said to me a few times post BD "You have a lot more patience than I do."

What has helped me when I get that, I-want-this-to-be-over feeling is thinking about what I would be doing differently if it was over. I'm in no way ready for another R right now so I wouldn't be dating, I would still be working on myself, I would still be doing things I enjoy with friends, I would still be spending time with my kids, I would still be going to work.

So really, nothing within my control would be different.

So I change my attitude and keep working on myself.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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That's super helpful, labug.

Definitely a good solid place to put your mind. Thanks. smile

And (jks) that helps me get the big picture too!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Posts: 513
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Labug,

That's really good to keep in mind. Sometimes I think it might be easier to go ahead and get divorced because then I might qualify for fin aid for grad school, but that's really the only thing that would change. I'm nowhere near being ready to date and I've got a lot of personal projects I'm working on.

So as hard as it is to be in limbo for so long, nothing would really change, so I'll just let H take his time so he can decide if/when we need to D.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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It's only limbo if that's what you decide it is, otherwise, it's just life.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Labug that's a great way to look at it!


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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I think I need to read the MLC recipe every day.

We took S12 to a waterpark for the first time. it was really fun.

But there were points during the visit I really struggled with my emotions. S12 didn't notice but H did. He kept asking me if I was upset, or what's wrong.

I did all the big slides with them. In the past I would've ben too afraid so that was a 180.

So kind of a mixed up day.

I want to detach "with dignity and without anger" and that seems such a tall order. I go to see the IC tomorrow so maybe we can work on that.

I want to have more sympathy for the struggles that H is having. Not just feeling the victim all the time. That's how I always feel. "he did this to me".

I think there's love buried deep in his heart for me and I don't stand a chance with him if I don't detach.

I really, really didn't believe Cadet's beginning advice about it being a long road. I still don't want to believe it. But I'm starting to think it's true.

Part of me just wants to give up sometimes. That's scary. But I want to be a stronger, better person. I did make vows to him, too. So I'll keep holding on. Holding on to heart and home.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
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I took a really good pic of him and S12 and he asked if he could post it on FB. I said "of course" and he tagged me that we were all at the waterpark together.

He wanted a pic of the three of us but when we were ready to take it we couldn't find someone (who wasn't wet!) to take it.

He initiated taking us to lunch too. That was really nice.
But I was struggling so much.

I hard a hard time finding my PMA this morning. I decided, since I couldn't find it, to pretend. But I need a little more practice, I guess!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
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H came by for a visit. He took S18 with him to HP to stay overnight so H could take him to the airport in the morning.

While H was here, we talked about our lives, NOT R. I remembered to let him have a "safe" place with me. He told me a lot of details. Things, which if I had heard in the past, I would have been critical. And he would have withdrawn. It's the dance we used to engage in.

Today I actively listened. No judgment. H seemed safe with me.

I experienced the "feeling of detachment". You can observe the other person better when your feelings aren't engaged.

Separately, I saw my IC yesterday. I made a series of goals for myself (not involving H, R, or kids) for the next six months, and for the next six months after that.

I'm figuring I'm going to be in this for a while.

IC is encouraging me to make sure and not control H in any way.

It's really been helpful to see someone face-to-face. Thank you, labug, for encouraging me to do that!

My parents (who live far away) have decided to exclude H from the family. I felt annoyed/angry about that. IC said it's difficult for the inlaws in these situations. She suggested instead of reacting in anger, ask for their support. I did just that. My parents have decided not to support him/us, but I feel really pleased I did the right thing. Another example of -- I can only control me --not them!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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