Actually he just responded and said that he thinks it would be a good idea.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
The difference between a D and a separation agreement is that a D is an official legal ending of the marriage and therefore requires legal representation. Once its done its terms are final. Its expensive to do and the flexibility is limited. Some things cannot be addressed in that context.
A separation agreement need only be as formal as you want to make it, the scope can include whatever you want, and you can mutually agree to change it if it doesn't work out.
In a separation agreement you can stipulate that neither party will take the kids skydiving or riding on the back of a motorcycle. Divorce usually wouldn't cover that. You can cover financial arrangements etc. You can include your right to date other people, PDA in front of the kids etc or don't include that at all.
The point is that you're agreeing on some rules for how things will work while separated, that doesn't imply that you endorse anything he is doing.
Glad to hear he agreed about the family therapist -- I strongly suggest you make the selection and meet with them yourself first to ensure you're on board with what they will recommend.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I know that if we were D'd I would definitely look at the situation differently.
How would you look at it differently, and are you sure?
Accuray
I could let go. I wouldn't be holding on. It's like, him holding on is making me hold on. Someone needs to drop the rope. I can't do that while married. I don't know how.
I will constantly be offended by his actions because I know he knows better. And he's said things to me that prove he knows better. He knows he's messed up and he realizes that his family is important, yet, she is the better choice.
Can I just ask you, Accuray... what would you do if you were me? Do you really think I need to give it more time?
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Can I just ask you, Accuray... what would you do if you were me? Do you really think I need to give it more time?
JKS, there's no way I can answer that for you. I'm happy to support you in whatever you decide.
That might seem like a cop-out to you, but there's no way I can understand what you're going through or the pain you are in and having to endure week to week. For me to tell you to give it more time would be irresponsible -- it's easy for me to say that because I don't have to live with the pain of doing so. I can empathize with your situation, and I understand SOME of the associated pain, but I have not walked in your shoes -- my kids are older, I work full time, my W didn't move in with OM, etc. etc.
All I can say is to make the decision for you, without worrying about what anyone will think, because no matter what you decide they will accept it -- they'll have to, and things WILL get better.
The other thing I'll say is that our emotions tend to ride the rollercoaster. Some days we'll think we're going to be fine and we're ready to take on the world, other days the sky is falling and it feels like a catastrophe. On those painful days we're often tempted to make radical changes to try to stop the pain. If you agree with this, then whatever you decide, give yourself a week, a month, whatever so that you make sure to consider your decision in both a peak and a valley, you don't want to look back with regret and think that you were hasty because you were at a low.
I spent some time reading LITB's story from the beginning, you might want to do that. His W left him with his kids and moved 1,100 miles away to be with OM. It took about 18 months before that burned out and she decided she's like to reconcile, but from my read she didn't reconsider until he had dropped the rope completely. Then she started to see him in a new light. Read his story if you have time.
Sorry I can't be more helpful on this one!
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I'm thinkin' about you and wondering how you are hangin' in there.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
You are so sweet. It really is so good to know that someone out there cares. What a gem you are!
I don't have much to report. Only that H agreed to meet with a family therapist on Monday with me. This should be interesting. When I spoke with the therapist on the phone today, I asked him some questions about what he goes over in his sessions that are of this nature.
He said that he tries to address two things... 1) the feelings and direction of how the R is going and 2) what types of things can really affect the kids in a negative way throughout our separation and ultimately if we D.
I told him at this point, I feel like H is in a bad place where he's pursuing a R with another woman and he's confused. I made it clear to him that I do not want to discuss our R. I don't want H focusing on how he's feeling about me right now and having to talk about it. It would probably all be things I don't really want to hear right now anyway. I want the session to be mainly focused on the things we should try to avoid saying and doing while we're with our kids.
He said, I can very much respect that and would handle the session any way you feel comfortable right now. He has been used by several of my old neighbors and they have all loved him. I hope this will be a positive step.
S4 kept telling me at random times throughout the day today that he wished he never met daddy. I said, why? He said because he never wants to live with us. I told him, he may want to someday. We still don't know. After reflecting on that, I feel like I should have said, he doesn't want to live with mommy, but he will always want to live with you. I will probably be saying that to him tomorrow if he brings it up again. Which I'm thinking he will. It's obviously on his mind a lot. Breaks my heart. He is such a sweet little boy. I hate to see him have to go through this.
Reachinghigher, I read your thread today and can see some similarities in how we're feeling. H gave me the same speech about never seeing a future with me. But time and time again he just can't seem to let go, just as your H is doing as well. I really would love to get through this year.
More than anything right now...
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
jks, the therapist and your goals going into family therapy sound very balanced. I remember you said one of the "old neighbors" gave you a book you liked. It sounds like you value their opinion in the R area. It's so good to have that support.
Tough with S4's feelings. I remember when each of my boys were age 4 I was head-over-heels in love with them (still am--but now feel proud of them, as well as love). It hurts so much when they hurt. And your S4 is too little to understand.
Your children have you. You are always there for them, physically, emotionally. And they have your mom, assuming she's a rock like you are.
I think if S4 always has you, he'll be ok. He knows daddy loves him, right? Little boys can get some crazy ideas about all kinds of things as they sort their world out! My boys sometimes tell me "I used to think such-and-such when I was little" and it really surprises me.
We can get through this year, jks. We have support and advice and a place to rant -- here. We can do it! One day at a time. We are learning, growing. For ourselves. For our children. And for our H's, should they choose to come back.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Btw, Accuray, I know it isn't fair for me to put my decision on you. FWIW, I really value your opinion. However, I just get to the point sometimes where I want someone else to make the decision for me because I constantly feel so lost. That is part of my growing process, I suppose.
I really hope you're able to get answers soon with your sitch. You truly deserve to be happy in your M. Thank you for the continued advice.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
