hi everyone - i don't have much time to write so will make it brief as i have to go GAL.
here's the gist of it: joann thought that i was doing absolutely amazing for the situation i was in, and for what h and i have been through in our marriage.
she was extremely encouraging, especially when she heard that i was dropping all and every resistance to the sitch that i could manage.
we talked about what works and doesn't work, and she said watch very carefully what you say or do - if h pulls back even the slightest with body language drop doing that immediately, if he doesn't keep doing it. i am to keep a record everyday of the tiniest nuances for both things and read them everyday to keep myself encouraged.
she did emphasize that it would be longer than i think, but thought that i was handling it quite well and to really make a full life of my own.
she said let him initiate everything - absolutely everything. and told me to act as if the ow was out of the picture.
she also said that she wants to see him start to make mistakes with me - slipping up and getting too close, including being intimate. i asked her about that - she said - drop a hint almost like a joke so he doesn't know if you're serious or not and if he initiates, then go for it, making it clear that there are no strings attached and that he better not have any expectations from me (i thought that was brilliant!!) she added that it was good to flirt just a tiny bit. anything that brings us closer in any way.
i described some of his reactions, especially about my trip and she thought that that was just on the mark and a very good sign
we talked about the b'day party - and she said frankly it was really really unusual at this point for the WAS to consider doing anything like that and that it was a very good sign that he wanted it to appear as if we were doing well to all our friends, and also a really good sign that he was still trying to hide the relationship
she said focus on looking really good and smelling really good and having a really good time, with a tiny flirt here and there and of course no expectations.
she thought it was really positive and also very interesting that he's recently been arguing that he wants everything the same way we did it before.
there's probably more, but my brain is fried and i will post stuff as i remember it.
hope this helps anyone else here too.
i'm so glad i did this - i know there is no way to tell what the future holds, but now i know more clearly what to do, and the biggest most important thing is to focus on myself, get my work really going well and just forget about h for awhile - well, as much as i can that is
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
The journal on what works is really a great idea. I'm going to start that. I totally dropped the rope with my H all week and he actually called today and said that he'd felt a shift. He also called me "sweetie" when he said goodbye. Gonna put that in my journal smile
i'm so glad i did this - i know there is no way to tell what the future holds, but now i know more clearly what to do, and the biggest most important thing is to focus on myself, get my work really going well and just forget about h for awhile - well, as much as i can that is
zig, I'm glad you had a great DB coaching session!
thanks jbnati - and thank you for helping me prepare for it.
unbidden and jessica - hope the journal thing helps you both feel better.
just came back from the block party - we had a great time and hung out at my house for a while. h had already told friends that he wouldn't be coming - and i actually didn't mind much at all - actually hadn't really expected him to
i am getting used to not having him around, and getting used to being the single with other couples. it's not so obvious because we have the kids with us.
ran into old very good friends who cut off contact with me after the split and have hung out w/ h and ow. they can barely look at me - the guy and i were really close and worked together before. but i had the opportunity to act as if - stayed really warm and friendly and inviting - after all i am the hostess and they'll be at the party next week and i want them to feel comfortable. the wife literally turned her back to me, she was so uncomfortable but i asked him if he would dj at s's party, which he had done several times before and he seemed really pleased. so there wasn't much talk, but they seemed to relax a bit before they left. i felt good about that.
so all in all a good evening, and i'm looking forward to cake baking and maybe going with a girlfriend to a second hand store to chose some sexy thing to wear (grin). all my gf's are determined that i look really good at the party. heehee!
i have such an amazing support group around me - all of you here and the people in my life, that it's time now to focus on the people that want to care about me.
25's words come to mind - it's time to stop wasting my precious days and energy on h -
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
was writing my first entry for the journal. an interesting thought i had - i feel really reassured by the conversation with joann today - not because she gave me any indication that it would all turn out fine. actually it was so different -
what she said to me made me feel that i am really doing the best and the most that i possibly can, and later, no matter what happens i will always know that i gave it my all. that acknowledgement gave me a lot of peace suddenly, and it feels as if it is enough for now
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Your talk with Joann sounds so very encouraging. I'm happy for you that you did that. I love that last line of "you gave it your all" and that giving you peace. It helps be at peace too.
