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I don't know if this is the DB way to go, and am sure others will have much better advice, but maybe it's worth talking with H about some boundaries with kids and OW? they are still so little and it is confusing enough as it is.

Maybe something along the lines of no PDA in front of them ( I mean when they are with them his focus is on them anyway), because it confuses the children. If your H knew that it confuses them/makes them sad I am sure he would understand. I am sure he wouldn't want to make it harder on them than it already is.


Jks you know I Know how you are feeling. Its physically sickening and mind boggling. The.most.painful.thing.in.the.world

But we have to absorb much of that pain for our kids. In fact much of the time we have to act as if not just for our H's but for our children as well.

Face the mages in your head, feel the pain and disgust and let it go. Its not in your control right now.

(((( ))))) so many hugs right now


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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jks, I woke up in the middle of the night and checked my phone to see how you were. I just was clueless as to what to suggest for you. I can't imagine how painful your sitch is. So I couldn't respond to you.

I like the "suggesting boundaries" idea.

It's hard to think to suggest to tell someone else to hold on a little while longer. Because it's not me gong through your pain.

But it seems like if your H is such a nice guy, having the draw of three sweet children and a knockout wife with such a strong and sweet personality, that one day he'll wake up and come back! After all, he fell in love with you once, right?

Maybe you shouldn't decide to file, while under the influence of the (perfectly understandable) anger. Maybe just try to let it go a little bit. Get back to your "happy place".

Are you able to take the kids to a new place this weekend? A new park? A new playground? A new museum? Something different?


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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JKS,

You can make your H aware of it, however go in without any expectations. Remember that he is living in a fantasy and it is likely that he feels that your children will be fine.

I wouldn’t call it a boundary, because there isn’t a way to enforce it. It is something that is out of your control.

Originally Posted By: reachingHigher
But it seems like if your H is such a nice guy, having the draw of three sweet children and a knockout wife with such a strong and sweet personality, that one day he'll wake up and come back! After all, he fell in love with you once, right?

Maybe you shouldn't decide to file, while under the influence of the (perfectly understandable) anger. Maybe just try to let it go a little bit. Get back to your "happy place".


This is great advice. You will find that with time, just like your H, your feelings will change. Unless an A is the so-called nail in the marital coffin, I would suggest to not make an emotional decision. If there is any doubt at all about filing, don’t do it.

Originally Posted By: reachingHigher
Are you able to take the kids to a new place this weekend? A new park? A new playground? A new museum? Something different?


Great questions. Make new memories and start new traditions with your children. They will remember. It will help keep your mind busy doing great things.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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Well, last night after my last post I had a serious need to call H and ask him what the hell is going on... I paced and paced back and forth. I tried so hard to overcome my anger. I have to admit, Accuray's words kept filling my head... "how can you get a handle on this?" I eventually went outside in my backyard and just balled and I started praying for comfort.

As I was staring into the night sky I was feeling so small in this universe. Like what I'm going through is so insignificant compared to the grand scheme of things. I'm just realizing that this is my trial and it's far from over. I have to endure. But I am preparing myself to really be done. I don't know much more that I can do.

I think what hurts the most is having him tell me the things he did and then sleep with her. I probably would have been much better off just not hearing those things at all. Because I would have already known and assumed that we were over. Him telling me that he's not really done with our M at all is just him handing out crumbs to me so I don't drift away.

I saw a video that his sister posted on FB from the relay that they ran over last weekend. It was a picture of his dad dancing on the side of the road. I could hear OW's voice in the background and H. It just made me see a different side. That H doesn't really care about what he's doing. He's enjoying his life and he isn't the person I thought he was. I didn't fall in love with the man he is right now. She can have the man he is right now, because it is not attractive.

They are gross and I actually am embarrassed that he's really so ok with openly dating her like he is while he's still so obviously married. He is going to look back on this time and think how dumb he was to think what he's doing is fun and is going to make him happy.

He really has changed a lot more than I ever thought. And he always mentioned how he felt like he could never be himself around me. That is sad. I guess I always just held him on a pedestal and saw the best in him. But more and more that facade of who I thought he was is diminishing.

I guess, in my own way this is detaching. If I could see the interactions of H and OW together more... I'm pretty sure I would be over him so quickly. It's such a turn off to witness someone doing this kind of behavior.

Will the man I know ever come back? Was he ever the man I thought he was? I have no idea anymore...


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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JKS,

This situation is horribly difficult. When you're thinking of filing for D, what are you looking for? Really it may not change your sitch for the better at all, but I'm curious what you're looking to get out of it. If you're looking for closure, I don't know that a finalized D will deliver that for you, as closure is really a state of mind. If you're looking for a reaction from H, he may not react the way you want him to and then what have you gained? I'm not saying not to file, I just want to make sure it's going to accomplish whatever goal you have in mind.

WRT the kids and your finances, one idea would be to start preparing for the long haul -- which is to say recognize that you could be in this limbo situation for quite a while. Two things to think about:

1) It's not doing you or H any good to be "winging it" on the finances from month to month, because it forces uncomfortable conversation and precludes your ability to detach. One suggestion would be to come up with a budget of what you will need to cover expenses, kids, support for you, etc. and get him to agree on a monthly or twice monthly deposit into your account. You'll then agree that if things come up over the top of that, you'll discuss them. I think you should look to get into a situation where you have a direct deposit hitting your account, you know how much it will be, so you don't have the stress of running out of money to deal with.

2) WRT the kids, it's tough, because asking for no PDA on the kids behalf can just seem like complaining/controlling versus truly looking out for their welfare. I know you really ARE looking out for their welfare, but the issue is that you can't enforce that, and H needs to "buy in" to make it happen. One suggestion would be to have a meeting with a family therapist. Explain the situation and tell them you want what's best for the kids. They will probably suggest rules for handoffs, PDA, etc. etc., and the rules will be bilateral, which is to say that if you start seeing someone you'll follow the same rules. This may work well because it's an independent 3rd party, and a neutral authority figure. Unfortunately meeting with a family therapist costs money, but once again you take stress out of the situation for yourself.

Since this might be a while, I'd spend some time writing down the stress-inducing issues related to H and the kids, and see if you can come up with repeatable long term plans for each so that at least you have consistency to rely upon from week to week.

There's a book called "Controlled Separation" you might want to look up -- it has templates and suggestions for things you should discuss, and agreements you should put in place.

I'm sure that the uncertainty of the situation is causing all kinds of stress, so let's remove some of the uncertainty -- there's enough stress without all that!

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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I'm probably not going to say anything to H, btw. You would think he would know better and if anything my kids will probably say something because we talked about it. I don't even want to go there with him right now. It would just turn ugly because I get so emotional about it.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Originally Posted By: Accuray
JKS,

This situation is horribly difficult. When you're thinking of filing for D, what are you looking for? Really it may not change your sitch for the better at all, but I'm curious what you're looking to get out of it. If you're looking for closure, I don't know that a finalized D will deliver that for you, as closure is really a state of mind. If you're looking for a reaction from H, he may not react the way you want him to and then what have you gained? I'm not saying not to file, I just want to make sure it's going to accomplish whatever goal you have in mind.

Accuray


I know that if we were D'd I would definitely look at the situation differently. The reminder that we're still married and, oh, yeah, H still wants to be married while he dates his girlfriend is just so confusing to me. I don't get it. I don't know how to just be here and let it be.

It just feels like something needs to happen in order for things to progress. I would never file in hopes that H would change his mind and leave her. Because deep down, I think he really wants to choose her. (I mean, he already has.) But he doesn't have the balls to do it.

I feel guilty hanging out with other guys because I morally don't feel good about that decision. But I would like not to care. If I were D'd, I wouldn't care. It gives me a way to move on.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Posts: 2,502
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Originally Posted By: jks
I know that if we were D'd I would definitely look at the situation differently.


How would you look at it differently, and are you sure?

Originally Posted By: jks
I feel guilty hanging out with other guys because I morally don't feel good about that decision. But I would like not to care. If I were D'd, I wouldn't care. It gives me a way to move on.


D is just a piece of paper. Could you gain the same freedom to date other guys and move on with a separation agreement that stipulates that you can date other people? If it's a separation agreement that H signs does that give you the freedom you need?

You took marriage vows, and those mean something to you.

Now you feel trapped because you still feel an obligation to honor your vows, but are getting none of the benefits associated with doing so. In fact, it's holding you back from getting your emotional needs met -- H won't meet them, but you can't expect anyone else to meet them either as long as you are married to H.

One could argue that when H left the marriage to start a relationship with OW, he released you from any obligation to honor your vows yourself.

Yet at the same time, you've chosen to remain faithful to your vows.

Is "D" the only thing that will release you from this obligation in your mind? Would a separation agreement suffice?

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Posts: 623
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Originally Posted By: Accuray

Is "D" the only thing that will release you from this obligation in your mind? Would a separation agreement suffice?

Accuray



Honestly, I would have to speak to my Bishop at my church to know whether that would be "acceptable." But, really, what's the point of getting a separation agreement? I'm not asking to be mean... I'm genuinely asking because I don't understand what the purpose of it is.

Wouldn't it just make more sense to get a D and get it over with? A separation agreement just seems like it would prolong the situation and basically I'm saying, "H, I'm ok with you dating your girlfriend... so have at it."

If I was really at a point to say that, then my M would be REALLY over.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Posts: 623
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I texted H about a half hour ago about possibly seeing a family therapist together to know how to better handle this situation for our kids. He usually responds right away. I'm guessing he's not down with it.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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