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Originally Posted By: LostIn407

I will be dark until Monday night as there won't be any handoffs of the Ds until then. I won't reach out to her.


I'm going to hold you to this. Stay strong. You're doing really well.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Echoing jks.

Keep it going lost.

:-)


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 186
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Yeah, going dark didn't work.

She texted me and invited me to a weekly event downtown that she has been wanting to go to for a long time.

She asked "Do you want to go with me?".

I should have responded "You know I do, but you know why I can't"

Instead, I responded "You know I do".

We end up going and the place is packed. We head to a quiet lounge to have a couple of glasses of wine and a bite to eat. Really good conversation. Laughter. No R talk.

She brought up her concerns from the past (my work schedule, not wanting to do anything because of the kids or money). We talked about how my schedule is much better and how the kids are older now so we can do more things. Then she kissed me. A real kiss.

She then laughed about she was shanghai-ing me. It was a joke between us when she used to ask me to do something and it would turn into many hours. She said she wanted to go look at a puppy she saw online that was over an hour away. Entire time in the car was great.

At the end of the night when I walked her to her car, I had to ask. So I said "What is up with you and him?" She responded "Not so much". I told her when it becomes "Not at all", we can start working on this and she will get all of me. She said she would like that because she is liking what she gets of me now.


I have heard it many times on here: OM = No you.

However, I have also heard to do 180s. My 180s would be spending time with her, doing things (trips, outings, etc).


I think we are moving in the right direction. The detach and GAL did wonders. I just need to slow it down.


M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
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"I should have responded "You know I do, but you know why I can't"

I don't understand this? I have heard that when there is OM one should set boundaries. I don't think you have. To me it makes it look like you are ok with sharing your W. Am I wrong?


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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I would say that is my biggest issue.

It confuses and scares me the most.

When there is an OM, I have heard no contact. Set ultimatum. No cake eating, etc.

However, I don't think every situation is the same and the rules can apply to every situation.


I made the mistake in the beginning of pursuit, begging. I "dated" my W while she was with OM. That ended the first week of May.

Since that time, I have turned down numerous requests to do things with the W. I have said yes on a few, but mostly turn them down.

I have done the detach/GAL which has made my W come towards me. I do not think she is checking her position at this time. My W today and my W two months ago are two different people. I detached from the two-months-ago-W. W-today is the one I will hang out with.

Every situation is unique. The reasons for my situation center around the W feeling alone from me physically and emotionally. My 180 would be to not detach and spend time with the W. Going 100% dark would be "more of the same" that the W was getting out of the M.

What I do now with the W is a 180 from what we did the last 12 months. In the past, it was "what do you want to do?". It was boring dates. Today, I always have a plan. We do fun things and try new places.

I guess it comes down to what we think are the most important items for DR. Is it detach, GAL, 180, etc?

In my situation, I think GAL and 180 are what is benefiting me the most.


M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
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I have no idea what is 'right' or ' wrong'. But if its working towards R, isn't that positive?

I'm just asking. My H and I sent even in the same country right now, so I can't necessarily relate to the challenges of seeing him daily knowing he is with OW.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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good luck, lost. but like you said, go slowly. you still have to say no sometimes and have "other plans" that you don't divulge. keep the mystery and the GAL going. i think it's working well for you.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Definitely going to keep it slow, which would be a 180 for me. I tend to pounce on things.

Gotta remind myself to keep it slow and have no expectations, no matter how good it feels.

Keeping up with the GAL as it makes me feel so much better about myself. I look back on the old me and feel shame. All I wanted to do was watch TV and mess around on the computer or XBox. Now, all I want to do is workout or be outdoors doing things.(180) I bought a new computer when this started and I hardly use it(180). I hardly watch TV anymore.(180) I can see where the W lost interest in me.

Here is my fear and I would appreciate advice:
W invites me to do something. I say no. And it isn't saying no as a game. I haven't worked out in a few days because I have been doing things with the W. I really want to workout and do some GAL for me.

The fear is that the W wants to do something with me. I decline so she calls OM. By saying no, I open the door for OM. It is almost like playing defense. If she is with me, she can't be with him.

Someone whip out a 2x4 and pound that thought out of my head

Don't give me any advice like "If she really wanted to be with you, she wouldn't call the OM". My W still doesn't know what she wants and we are not at the stage where we are piecing or rebuilding. We are still discovering each other again.


M-40
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T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
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Originally Posted By: LostIn407
Here is my fear and I would appreciate advice:
W invites me to do something. I say no. And it isn't saying no as a game. I haven't worked out in a few days because I have been doing things with the W. I really want to workout and do some GAL for me.

The fear is that the W wants to do something with me. I decline so she calls OM. By saying no, I open the door for OM. It is almost like playing defense. If she is with me, she can't be with him.


Yep, I get that fear. It comes from a controlling place and is a sign that we are not fully detached. You can't live your life worrying that you not wanting to do anything with her will drive her to OM.

Do the GAL for you. Go to the gym.

If you tell your W no, she may or may not call OM. Either way, you can't control it. But you're not doing yourself any favors by assuming the worst.

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If the ONLY reason she's not with OM is that you are occupying her every day, then you don't have much.

If you make choices out of fear, that's not good.

Be the best you there is and let the chips fall.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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