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Labug, did you get the "I'm never coming back" speech?


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Yes! A couple of times.

Because in the beginning I did all the begging, pleading, guilting, shaming I could fit into a conversation. crazy

He was like a drug to me, I'd go a couple of days and need a hit so I'd drum up an excuse to contact him. Nothing about the R, house stuff, kid stuff, money stuff.

I didn't find this site until a few months later. And even then I couldn't see that everything I was doing was just reinforcing his reasons for leaving. I went down fighting.

But some wise posters pointed out the error of my ways, the underlying messages in my seemingly innocent contacts.

If I had it to do over again...

The minute he said "I'm done, I'm not coming back" I would have said "OK, I wish you well" and would have only contacted him for emergencies. I realize that's a pretty evolved stance and it's taken me a lot of time and growth to get there but that's what I wish I had done.

Fear held me back.

My fear was, if I drop the rope, what will keep us connected, what will bring him back, how will I control this.

Then I finally realized that I can't control it, never could. If he doesn't come back, he was never going to come back.

If he does come back it has to be under his own steam.

Letting go of our perceived control is scary but it's very freeing.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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^^^^^^love this. Took ms awhile to figure this out, too. I still fight the allure of the "connection" drug! But, I try to remember that he once told me (in a moment of weakness, I'm sure) that he thinks about our sitch "about 28 times a day! So, I really don't need to remind him I'm still around.

Quite the contrary. I need to let him see I'm venturing further and further out...


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Not to hijack, but labug does that mean now you don't contact at all? I ask just to further understand about dropping the rope, etc.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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I sent him my work schedule in early May per an agreement we made about S19 (long story). Haven't contacted him since. It had probably been a month before that that I contacted him about an appt we had for S19.

I have seen him, as he's been here to pick up S19 for a few outings. We talk like you would with a neighbor.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
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Thanks labug. I get it.

Sorry rh for the brief hijack.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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I tried a meetup group last night. It was a flop, for me. But that doesn't mean I won't try other activities. Even 20 years ago, I wouldn't have been comfortable going somewhere like that totally alone. I'm not discouraged about it. I find it refreshing that at least I know that activity doesn't interest me. I very much enjoyed touring one of the galleries where the event was held.

I'm starting, very slowly, to understand some things. I was reviewing a post I had copied (don't know author) that said about MLC:

"In his eyes, you are an authority figure, i.e., mom. He is acting out and rebelling against the mom figure."

This describes H and me exactly. It explains why any reasoning with H regarding our sitch doesn't work.

I noticed that H has also been distancing himself from his very controlling mom.

It looks like H is looking for an apartment or house to rent starting the end of next month. He'll probably move out of his corporate, fully-furnished apartment. That'll give us some expenses regarding furnishing the new place. He said he thinks it would be a poor idea to buy a place right now. I'm relieved about that. I'll know more next week.

We had a R talk a couple of days ago. He says in his mind most of the time he thinks it's "over" with me. But then sometimes he thinks it isn't over. He reiterated that he is NOT asking for a divorce. He said, in a very choked-up emotional way, he still cares very much about me.

I reflected on how he treats me emotionally. Within the last year he rarely showed emotion for me even though we ML regularly. Now, with the separation, when he holds me it is deep, fervent and heart-felt. Full of emotion. It's interesting.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
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I'm crying this afternoon. I just miss H so much.

This is the worst year of my life, but I keep trying to tell myself it's the best year because I'm learning so much. If I could only believe it!

Everything is going fine, as expected. Just the feelings are sad. frown

I'd like to live somewhere other than limbo land. But seems I'm doomed to live here for X amount of time.

Maybe I have to pay for living in fantasy land too many years. Lol.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
I'm better now. No tears. No sadness.

Just enjoying a summer evening watching S12 catch fireflies. We brought our cameras outside to take pics of bunny rabbits in the grass & spiders spinning webs.

I have been reading resources over in the MLC forum. I copied and pasted a lot. There's a lot of great help there! It helps me to be much calmer and more understanding of H instead of frustrated with his baffling behavior.

I paste most of the advice in my electronic files in blue. Blue to remind me to be loyal and faithful.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Try not to label it limboland, it's just where you are right now. You know where you are, right?

If you didn't want to be there you could change it, right?

Don't try to tell yourself something that's not true. If you are sad, you are sad. Accept where and who you are right now.

In 6 months you might truly believe this has been a great experience although very painful. I feel that way about my experience but I have tried not to deny my feelings.

They are mine, they are authentic.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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