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#2252855 06/10/12 07:42 PM
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zig Offline OP
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me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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guess i got locked out. it seems as if i only just started that last thread.

well, today has been a strange day.

i can't say where i really am, but the urge to go to h and tell him that i now after all these months can really really see where he's right about so many things, is getting quite over-powering.

i've been working my way to this place slowly - and looking back i can see soooo much more clearly how i DIDN'T validate -really really validate what he was saying.

but as i go through my own intense inner growth and movement - [censored] i can see how he has been so on the mark about so much.

i was so hurt and offended when a few weeks ago, he sort of "topped" it off by adding that we even started out completely wrong and i wasn't ready for a relationship. at the time it was just like 'oh this is too much" but now i start to see how right he is - we DID start off all wrong

the other side of it is that it doesn't change what he's doing and how he's going about it. but the fact of the matter is, that i'm the type of person that NEEDS to be completely honest and up front about whatever it is that i have realized as my part in this.

i've owned a lot, but have remained resistant to deeper things that i haven't wanted to face.

like my own decisions for entering this relationship - my own state of mind back at that time when i agreed to keep the baby. it is hard for me to admit all these months and years, that they were my decisions. h might have told me a lot and insisted that we couldn't have an abortion (it felt like a HUGE amount of pressure to me that i caved to, at the time). in some ways i saw it as him trying to hold on to me also if i kept the baby. i had in all essence walked away from him after the affair. on th either hand i was clinging to him as an emotional refuge to avoid really facing the pain of the divorce

i have , in a cowardly fashion, always held that against him - it came up a lot in the first years - i was never willing to face the fact that I had agreed to it. in my mind i saw it that he made me - and now, i see so clearly how weak and lost i was then, in the throes of the divorce and the affair with h. that i hadn't been capable of making any good decisions for myself, and it affected so deeply what happened after we moved here.

on the other hand, i do believe i was willing to make a sincere effort, but when right off from the start h didn't act as i thought a husband and new father should act i became resentful and scared. scared that i had made the wrong decision and uprooted my life and taken this risk - the morning after we arrived to the states - he just walked out the door without a word to go to uni and i never even knew he had left the house. he didn't come back until almost 7 in the evening - no phone, i didn't know a soul and i had a 4 mo. old and had woken up in a place i'd never been to, in a different country.

that one experience really freaked me out - and my asking him never to do that again - set the stage for his resistance - how dare i question his freedom to come and go, and everything was seen through that lens. i stifled him?

oh well, back to my original thoughts- about admitting fully to h , my part in what really happened and finally validating his feelings about it.

any thoughts or opinions on that?

this is NOT a strategy - i'm really beginning to see that i can't go back to that relationship as it was - i want no part of it, either for him or me - i just need to do this as part of the moving on - that i have left him in my mind sure in the fact that i own all my stuff and understand much more now how my decisions were my decisions and i wasn't willing to accept i made them.

i've had some strange experiences today - that really helped me take steps towards myself. one of them resulted in my becoming so keenly aware, that all this love that i want to give to h, which is unwanted by him right now - i need to direct towards MYSELF. I need that love much much more than anyone else does right now. it's so unlimited, love that is, that there will be plenty to go around when needed. but for now - i desperately need that love for myself - it's not for giving to anyone else right now.

the other realization - and this was after a harrowing 2 hours on the phone with the credit card company - when i was so sure i was right - BASED ON the facts i had - and it turned out , because someone hadn't given me some facts and had done this really goofy thing, i was thinking i was right when i really wasn't.

i couldn't help applying that as an analogy to my current sitch.( i spent over 6 hrs altogether on the phone - what a waste because no one bothered to point out something simple - they were trying to, but the way they kept saying it didn't make any sense to me - none that i could get. and so the same with this sitch - there are things i don't know and i can keep staying cooked up about what i think is wrong, when i don't even have all the facts -and land up wasting a lot of time. or i can keep moving forward and wait for the real facts without trying to do anything about it and trust that the situation is perfectly right for now.

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

i know how you feel. i want to tell my H so much but it would be bringing up R talks and that's a no-no.

i think your opportunity will come. until then, you can show him in so many ways what you've come to understand and he will probably be the one to give you the opportunity. otherwise, even though your motivation is altruistic, it will come off as pursuing.

just my thoughts.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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thanks scared silly

so admitting and validating what h has been insisting on for so long - that could be seen as pursuing?

i guess i have messing up big time - all along. whenever i have come to some realization such as this one, i have let him know and apologized.

yes, you're right - the opportunity will come some day - and he will give it to me. until then, i should wait quietly.

thank you - it is enough, i realize, for now that i could write about it here.

and you're right - it will show in my actions - i should allow then to be the messenger, rather than my words right now.

i feel quiet and subdued and strangely at peace right now - no urgency to do any thing about it

thank you
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: May 2012
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OMG Zig this is your big breakthrough number whatever. Highlight this post. This is for you to look back and remember when you had this breakthrough.

Quote:
all this love that i want to give to h, which is unwanted by him right now - i need to direct towards MYSELF. I need that love much much more than anyone else does right now. it's so unlimited, love that is, that there will be plenty to go around when needed.

this is so beautiful. It's so true. we chase, we pursue, we beg, we plead and then we decide that we should turn it all in and nurture and love ourselves. I'm happy for you!

There is so much in our sitches that are similar. Hurts that we held onto, making moves to other countries away from our support network, things early in the relationship that we were never quite sure or happy about. I go back to that shakey feeling. I've had that nervous shakey feeling so much in my life and I'd just plow on. Now for the first time really ever I think, I have this inner calm. And I'm going to hold onto that.

In my case I unhappy about how something's started and I held onto that and waited for him to prove me wrong but my energy just made it a self fulfilling prophecy. Dunno it's a lot of food for thought.

I want to be calm and confident in anything I do. No urgency!

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Quote:
Now my foam noodle 2x4: Last summer I saw a movie that I thought H would like, and he might have. When it came on Netflix I wanted to send him the link so he could watch it. I'm so thoughtful.

The real reason? There was a message in the movie I wanted him to get. After asking advice here, I didn't send the link.


Not only a message within but it's pursuing. I see things all the time that I want to tell him about like the silly a tv show we used to like has a new season starting, or a video I know he'll like or whatever because we have shared SO MUCH. But I resist because I don't want to pursue, I don't to put pressure and I want him to miss me. I think I went the other way too far because I'd stop myself from posting something on FB because I'd wonder if I was hoping he'd see it. And it all a bit mind f*ck.

Right now you need those boundaries maybe one day when everything is settled even if you're not R you can be friends and send each other film recommendations or give CDs but right now it's detach detach detach haha

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oh and of course I'm up early you know I'm across the ocean right?

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yes brit - i realize the huge breakthrough - i cried out of relief for quite awhile. it was a huge moment for me this afternoon - and it really came out of the blue after a meditation.

and it's part of the letting go - and now i see the other pattern - i'll start to let go and then i think something deep inside me gets scared - you know, that idea of if you let go you might lose them, that makes us cling on?

and then my mind started reeling and before i knew it, i was sub consciously looking for a way to "connect" with h by telling him something more that i had discovered about my part in it.

luckily i posted here and waited - and luckily for me scaredsilly pointed out what i was really about to do.

and luckily for myself - i listened and accepted.

just one more step in accepting the "brutal reality of what is taking place" - there is NO connection. not unless h makes it clear he wants one.

and so each day, i find out more and more about why nothing has been working - because i've been not understanding what it means to detach and i've been pursuing in so many ways that i hadn't realized. so each day i am very lucky when i come here, and all of you help me to see it more clearly.

did you move to another country to be with your h? are you from 2 different cultures?

" I unhappy about how something's started and I held onto that and waited for him to prove me wrong but my energy just made it a self fulfilling prophecy."

yes, i'm starting to see that -it was all about expectations.

"I want to be calm and confident in anything I do. No urgency!"

yes - i'm trying to drop the urgency - it's so difficult - it's become a tiresome habit that i need to break.

thanks brit
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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Yes the fear makes us hold on! I leaned that from codependent no more. And yes you see more and more ways you were holding on and more levels of detachment I'm learning that too.

Yes and no. We grew up in the same culture but his family lives here. Most of them. He spent a lot of time here growing up but it was more me that wanted to move I think? I don't know. It really hurt that after he met her he said he was finally enjoying living here instead of feeling as though "it was happening around him" but i think thst falls under believe nothing be ause now i think back to trips we took and he's rewriting history because we had great times! that's why I say no one else shares our history of being from the same city it's traditions and food and culture.

Did you move to be with him?

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yes - i did - under a lot of pressure from family and him.

not directly -even though that's how i remembered it. my mom insists, and so does he, that they never said anything to push me, but i remember some conversations. maybe they were pushing me to decide and i took a really long time to do so.

i was really reluctant to move to the states. maybe it was myself pressuring me really hard - i realize now, for the first time, really - how messed up i was then. the divorce had just come through - 10 days before s was born. h had to leave to come back to the states 6 weeks after the birth, and there was this time thing, because if i was to move here then we should get married there and have time to put in the app for the visa before he left. i remember feeling SO pressured, and with a new born baby, and absolutely NOT wanting to be a single mom, but the most powerful thought in my mind that tortured me back then was that i had no right to make a decision which deprived h of one single moment with his child. that's what made me agree, along with the fact that i really didn't want to be without him.

by the time s and i arrived, when he was 4 months old - i was so happy and relieved that we were together again that i completely embraced being with him. BUT i couldn't embrace living in the states (9/11 had just happened right before we came) - it took me a couple of years to adjust, and h felt this enormous guilt for forcing me to come, even though i said that i wanted to be with him. it was as if he could never get over it

now when i look back, he could have come back to do that - or i could have come to the states later, on a tourist visa - but it seemed imperative for him back then. i think maybe it was a deep fear in him that i wouldn't come and he wouldn't be able to be with his son. i know he really loved me and i really loved him.

the reluctance was that i think deep deep down i had some small awareness that i needed a little time to get over the divorce - NOT because i had any feelings left for my first husband but because it just takes time and i didn't want to be a person who remarried 5 weeks after my divorce.

after the bomb drop and our hours of talking and crying- he told me that he always interpreted that initial reluctance as a sign that i didn't love him. well - no one else thinks so - when i told mil that, she said it was ridiculous - there was so much love from me for the 2 of them - it was clear to everyone. but h felt betrayed and didn't understand that huge changes like that take time to go through, and instead of trusting that i meant what i said, maybe his own insecurities didn't allow him to believe how much i loved him. just like my own insecurities didn't allow me to believe how much he loved me.

so sad misunderstandings all around


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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