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jks Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Accuray
W told me she used to put herself in those situations when she was in her 20's and would also give in because it seemed easier than making a scene. I don't get that.
Accuray


It's because as women with low self esteem, you take having a man wanting to show you affection and such as someone who really cares about you and so therefore, its a confidence booster. Deep down we all know we shouldn't be doing it and it feels like crap afterwards but for the moment we feel like this guy really likes me. And, yes, as a young girl with low self esteem, it was harder for me to say no because I didn't want to make the guy feel stupid either. It's totally messed up.

Oh, and btw, after meeting him, I think HE thought he was pretty smooth. But I wasn't falling for it. I agreed to meet him because I thought it would be fun to meet someone new and talk for a bit but after a while it was so obvious what he wanted. Lesson learned. It's like I'm starting all over again with guys these days. So strange.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Posts: 623
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jks Offline OP
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I found this letter tonight that I wrote my H the day that he left me back in August last year...

I just want you to know that I am grateful that you have taken this step. It has really made me take a step back and open my eyes. I have not been living these past couple of years. I have been drowning in my own negativity. I am not the person you once married and I completely realize that. This situation is going to be so hard but it's going to make me better. I'm actually shocked at how far I have let this go. Please know that I want to change. I want to love myself and hope that you might love me again someday too. You are not a failure. You did what you had to do. Hopefully, I will become a better person from this experience and a better mother. I have relied on you for too long and I've become so dependent on you that I need to learn to make it on my own. It hasn't been fair to you and you have been more than accepting of me.

I hope that one day we can "date" again and possibly find the friendship and love we once had. Until then, I am going to keep fighting to live. Live for myself. Live for my children and live for us.

You are the most amazing person I have ever met. And I love you. I will always love you no matter what you decide.

-JKS


It's so interesting to reflect back and see the growth that I've had over this past year. I really do feel like I'm on the road to accomplishing a lot of the things that I stated in this letter.

I look at that woman who wrote this at a time that seems so long ago and think... she has no idea what she's in for. Quite honestly, if it hadn't been for the DR book and this forum, I would not have been able to get this far. Call me a believer... I am.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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You're getting there, jks. Staying on the path is the hardest part of the journey.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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jks Offline OP
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I've been having a hard time lately. I just have been really down. I'm trying so desperately to pull myself out of this "funk."

H texted me this morning asking me how I was doing and if I received the tail light in the mail that he ordered for my car. I told him, yes. He then asked me how I was doing on money and asked if I had already been paid for the jobs that I had done recently. I told him I was paid a while ago and that a lot of my money had to go towards paying my sales tax for my business. So I didn't have a ton left.

He said he was in the same boat because the house was killing him. (He's had to pay for a lot of unexpected maintenance on it lately.) I told him, I know, I'm sorry.

That was it. I know this is my negative thinking, but I just feel like a burden to him. I think he really may be happy with his decision to continue dating OW and I'm kind of just an afterthought.

I know, I'm lame today. I've been trying so hard not to be affected by H and his actions but sometimes I crack. I will continue not to contact him.

My new friend that I've been hanging out with has been helping me make a new website for my photography. I'm really trying to put more of my focus towards my business and making more money. I know this will help me in so many ways.

Life... you are hard!!


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
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Up and down up and down.

Jks, you are not an afterthought. Dont let his choices make you put yourself down like that. Unfortunately his choices are only about him right now. Not about you and him, even though they directly affect you- they are not about you.

I know I am only repeating advice from more experienced people here, but I believe it. This is his journey and you have your own right now. We cannot let their actions affect who we are and HOW WE FEEL right now, Because they have already detached from us. So really we have nothing to do with those choices.

I hate that you are feeling like this today. Because I know what it feels like. But try and stop the feeling. You are beautiful, smart, a great mother and a talented photographer.

((( )))


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Originally Posted By: jks
Life... you are hard!!


Indeed, life is hard.

I know this whole thing suks and it especially suks when there is OP involved.

Personally, I tried to channel my frustration, hurt and anger into motivation. When I would workout, I'd picture my W's boyfriend's face when I was punching or kicking. When I went to the driving range, I'd pretend that the golf ball was his face. crazy

I know it isn't "DB'ing". I suppose it helped me GAL.

After a certain point, it didn't matter to me what my W was doing. I embraced being single and lived my life accordingly. By the facts in front of me.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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jks Offline OP
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I cannot stop crying today. I don't know what's wrong with me. My mind is in a bad place and I don't know how to get back to that peaceful place I was just a couple days ago.

I AM SO TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT WHAT MY KIDS ARE DOING WITH MY H AND OW. When will it ever stop bothering me? I've been trying so hard to just be ok with whatever will be. But it's like I'm lying to myself. Its times like these that I just want to leave. And I mean literally walk out on everyone's lives. And then I realize, I'll never escape this sadness and hurt even if I do move away. So then it just makes me want to be done with my life.

I don't know what's come over me. I just feel so exhausted from trying to be so strong. Deep down I'm just so sad. And the worst part is, my H and his family carry on like nothing. I feel so dispensable. Easily replaced.

I don't know how to move forward. Today is an awesome day... frown


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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JKS,

You are a beautiful person. I'm going to give you two assignments:

1) Whatever you're doing, stop, get outside and work up a sweat exercising -- I recognize that you're a lady so maybe perspire instead of sweat. I don't care how you do it, run, walk, bike whatever it takes

2) Pick a sympathetic friend who knows your sitch, call them and let everything out, don't hold anything back. Tell them you just want them to listen and be supportive, you're not looking for solutions

Do both of those before you go to bed tonight

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 127
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JKS--
I may not be there, but I am sending a hug from Georgia to wrap you in its warm embrace and let you know you are not alone. What you are feeling today is okay....and it will pass, I promise you that. We all go through days like this, and sometimes the only way to get through it is to let it run its course. Cry, hit something, stay in bed, do whatever YOU need to do. The sun will rise tomorrow, and things will get better.
Please know that you have a HUGE support group that loves you, and understands. Never be afraid to reach out, and never feel you are alone.

Hugs

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(((((((jks)))))))))

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