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M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Defeat leads to detachment and that's good right?

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new thread. sorry i goofed up above.

just spoke with H. wished him a happy father's day. he's fishing with his daughter.

asked him if he had gone out of town because we have an agreement to tell each other if we do. he hadn't but it lead to an R discussion.

he says that my failure to do things with him really hurt him. he says that each time i turned him down, it was like a stab in the heart. he's afraid that if we were together again, i would do it to him again.

he also said that his IC has noted that sometimes people are nice because they are needy, i.e., my changes are to get him back and that i may revert back to the old me should he come back.

so, i'm up against the IC, too. sigh...

i was sending him daily emails with uplifting inspirational quotes. i know...not good DB'ing. i asked him if he feels them as pressure and he said, "yes and no." he says that he sees me being nicer and he knows i'm trying. but i think he does not feel it's sincere.

so, that being said, i sent him a final email:

"i sent the email below before i talked to you today. i'm grateful for you. i really don't want to hurt you anymore. i think you said that these "for today" emails might be putting pressure on you and i can see how they would.

so, i'm not going to try to give you pleasant thoughts for the day anymore. it's imposing my beliefs on you and that's not fair. i'm not stopping because i'm upset in any way. you are on your own journey and i'm on mine. maybe we'll cross paths again and our journeys will go along together.

where ever they go, i think we'll be better people when we get there."

a little more about our financial goings on, buying new cars, selling a piece of property and asking him to let me know when he knows anything about it.

then, i have to admit, i couldn't just leave it at that. my anxiety kicked in and i sent another (God help me) with this:

"one more thing and i'll let it go.

you say you don't miss the stab in the heart when i wouldn't do things with you.
you fear that it would happen again if we were back together.

maybe one day you'll ask me to do something?

i can't ask you. that would be pressure, i think.

maybe you would see that you didn't have to feel the stab in the heart? maybe you would begin to trust?

what if our lives could have been great together with some weekly health-check communications, agreements, friendship? maybe i would begin to trust?

it would be a shame to miss out on something that could be built up slowly to be a great love and life together because you didn't ask."

he told me that he's doing things without me and no longer misses me when he's doing them. that cut deeply because all the GAL stuff i'm doing, i always see him in the picture, enjoying it because it's all the things he wanted to do.

also (2x4's are going to start crashing down on me now), i attached two documents from the marriage builders site: "the policy of joint agreement" and "how to survive incompatibility".

more lousy DB'ing...

he did ask me how i would see our lives together for the next five years if we were back together. i replied that i'm trying to live one day at a time so five years is way out there but if i were to see five weeks into the future, should be be together, i would see us going dancing, enjoying adventures together, looking at each other and knowing a deep feeling of satisfation at making memories together.

there was more and it was really from my heart because this time apart has made me see that having a nice dinner ready for him but being too tired to go some place with him is not good for either of us or a relationship. having a spotless house or getting everything off my "list" for the day is not what is important.

any thoughts from anyone? i know i'm bad...


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Originally Posted By: Brit45
Defeat leads to detachment and that's good right?


i hope so. i've been so, so unable to detach. i ordered "co-dependent no more" because i think i'm truly addicted to him.

i've also ordered a book on "boundaries" because i think that's how i became so bitter: i didn't set any and became resentful of my life with him.

i know i need help with the rollercoaster. i got pills, do yoga...nothing works.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Posts: 1,108
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I saw so much of myself in what you said to him. I think we've all said don't you think we could x, y, and z.

I don't know because my H moved on and is in a serious R so my advice isn't the best. But you need space to miss someone and he can't miss you if you're always emailing etc.

Sometimes I miss H during GAL sometimes he's far from my mind. I know when I was a WAW I didn't think of him at all, but I wasn't having these convos like you two are.

I remember telling him that I'd changed I don't know if he'll ever know that now I actually HAVE! You just have to implement all the changes living in theomsnt rather than the to do list.

I think COD will be really good for you.

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thanks, brit. i hope something takes hold of me and gets me out of this obsession. it's hard, too, because we still have to communicate about things and it keeps me tied to him.

i have an appointment with a L this friday. i want to find out about how our pensions and retirement funds would be split. i had a lot more than he did when we got married.

we have a pre-nup so there would be no alimony and i will have to live on social security and my retirement accounts. we would have to sell a lot of jointly-owned property and posessions, should we divorce.

i'm only going to ask questions at the appointment but sometimes, i think i'll only get over him and move forward by getting a D.

i know others have been DB'ing much longer than i have (when i have) and are dealing with infidelity. i just don't know how they stay in this limbo so long.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Posts: 2,906
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Scared, not being able to have what you want and being unable to control the outcome its what is affecting u. Do something for yourself. Is there anything in life that u wanted to do and haven't? it takes time to not let your WAS affect you. So be patient it will come. But not until u knock him off that pedestal u have him on.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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i want to go back to my hometown and see my sister and be near my family. however, the condo i bought up there is a very sore spot with my H. he said my buying it was "the nail in the coffin" for our marriage because i bought it and made it know i was buying it with, or without, him.

he's on all the documents but he said he will never go up there. i'm pretty sure (mind reading) that it holds this distaste for him because we were up there prior to the purchase for a high school reunion and i called my first boyfriend and met up with him for a little over an hour.

my H had done the same thing about 15 years ago and i was fine with it. this time, he was angry. i took my sister with me so it would all be above board and we met on the lawn of the state house building and talked about his family and mine. very innocent but he's not been able to get over it.

the last time i went up there, he asked me if i called the old bf so it's still on his mind.

if i go up again, i know it will p!ss him off again and he'll withdraw even further. but i really need my sister now.

rick, you're right. i so want to control the outcome. i either want to have us R or have us D and move on. i've always been pro-active and i'm not handling this waiting and wondering well at all.

i don't know what to do. i live in our house and he lives with his mother. this is his hometown and he has all his friends, his mother, his uncle (who lives next door), his sisters (who are there all the time), and his daughter to be around. cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. my son and his family live 15 minutes away but they have 5 kids and i can't keep intruding on their lives. besides, i need to be around adults and do adult activities.

he's also still working so he has his work, his work friend and his work activities. i'm retired. no wonder he doesn't miss me.

i'm out in the country and it's a 25 mile trip into town to do something. my condo in my hometown is smack in the middle of a big city with lots to do. i also have all my family there and childhood friends.

he has me on the shelf, waiting for him to make up his mind.
i've been GAL like crazy but it's very lonely doing it by myself all the time.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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SS I know all about being alone and away from family and it [censored].

Here's the thing. You are mind reading and predicting the outcome of the trip and you're taking his feelings (or what you think are his feelings) into consideration. Even to the point that you'd put something that would help you heal second to his feelings.

I think you should go. My therapist friend who isn't my IC said even being in a different place is good for our minds.

We don't really know what will and won't make them withdraw. And I think that doing something (or not doing something) thinking it will keep them closer is attempting to control outcomes.

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Scared u placed yourself on that shelf. Go out and do stuff make new friends talk to strangers get a part time job volunteer. 25 miles is not that much of a drive? You wanting a divorce is that need to control. Until u let go of it you will remain stuck believe me I know. please don't tell me you sit at home feeling chitty about yourself? If u do it does not help u. So think of one thing in town that u can do just one.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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