Just spinning my wheels

[reachingHigher]

I had a basically good weekend. H & I connected yesterday really well when meeting to shoot pool and drink beer. There was a lot of spark between us. He wanted to sit and talk in the car for a while afterwards.

I did GAL activities Sat. night, and that went great.

Today he came for several hours for Father's Day. It was good, but it reminds me of the feral cat syndrome that Tsquared2 talks about on his thread. H wasn't exactly withdrawn today, but not looking for connection. I worked on doing my own activities in the house, not following him around.

Tomorrow I have an appointment for IC with the C that we used for MC a week ago.

How do I approach this therapy? Do I let her tell me what she thinks I should do? Or do I go in and tell her I'm using DB techniques and want support for that? Or do we talk about whatever comes up? Ideas? Suggestions?

[jks]

How do I approach this therapy? Do I let her tell me what she thinks I should do? Or do I go in and tell her I'm using DB techniques and want support for that? Or do we talk about whatever comes up? Ideas? Suggestions?

I'm curious to know this as well.

Who's idea was it to go out together? Just curious...

[reachingHigher]

Ok, so the truth comes out. I know I wasn't supposed to do it, but it was me that suggested it!

I told him if we were not going to be "dating" I think it would be great to meet just as friends sometimes and hang out and catch up on what's going on in our lives. I asked him what he thought about that idea. He liked it.

So that's why it was critical we go somewhere HE felt totally comfortable.

I didn't act in a pursuing way AT ALL while there.

After we were there eating for a while, he says something like, "this is as good a time to tell you as any, so...."

My little brain started up in high gear. Whatever he says, don't judge him. Just validate. Don't react. Etc. Etc.

He said in October he is going on a two week vacation with two of his new guy friends I haven't met. They look like decent enough professionals from their FaceBook profiles and what H has told me about them.

I was quite shocked but acted supportive for this is giving him space!

So after that, and me not doing ANY pursuing behavior but being cheerful and happy, H seemed quite, quite interested in me. Also he knew I was going to do GAL activities after I left him and it was interesting to see his face.

We have such a long road to go. I get discouraged often, but my lows aren't as low, and I feel I have a lot of tools,

Today went great, but he might've felt some pressure being it was Fathers Day and all. Our boys made beautiful handmade cards, one with a poem, one with a letter.

When H said he was leaving, a little earlier than usual for a Sunday, I was about to go wash my bike and then the car. He said "are you sad? You are acting like you do when you are sad."

How well they know us. I didn't cry or say anything, but he just knew. Hmmm....

[jks]

I'm glad that your activity together went well. However, it may be in your best interest to back down even more. To ask him out even as friends is still pursuing. Ultimately, you want him to be the one to ask you out. You're in a state right now where everything he does affects your mood/outlook on life.

I know this, because I get in these phases too. I've found that acceptance is key. The more I accept that I may be without H in my life, the more I'm able to look forward and do things TRULY for myself. Not just to get H's attention or make him think differently about me.

Just some things to think about. And don't expect it all to come at once. It definitely does take time to get there.

You're doing great, though.

[reachingHigher]

I appreciate your caution, advice and encouragement.

I really wanted to have a good time with him (not at home) without me physically pursuing him. It's like it kind of told me he can still have romantic feelings for me, even though I didn't know it would go that way.

When we left, I followed him on the highway for a while till we went our different ways. Before we split, he had already texted me saying he was confusing things but he really enjoyed the time with me. Trying my hardest not to mind read!!

So...in light of that, I will do my best to not suggest other activities with him.

Next Sunday we will take S12 to a large waterpark. That sort of evolved too.

I told him a few days ago I was planning on taking both sons to this waterpark. (tell him plans but stop short of an invitation). H says, that sounds really fun. (we agreed before the separation, that he wanted to be asked to do family activities together but not expected to do them. Leave it up to him to decide. Giving him space.)

He said he had discount tickets available from his workplace. So I said, did you want to join us? He said yes, he'll buy the tickets. He also said he had discounts for a large amusement park. He s going to buy those too, for July.

I don't remember who said what. It's like when you've been together a longtime, you do the steps to the dance and don't really notice.

So, I'm not sure if I did the right thing there or not. We've been spending family times together twice a week during this whole thing, so it doesn't seem the same to me as H & me together alone somewhere.

I almost feel like I have enough confidence to start living the way I should.

Maybe I've been waiting for the "breakthrough" but it's more of a process, like you said, and a quiet acceptance.......of what is.

[jks]

Last year around the holidays, H and I were spending a lot more time together as a family. It confused me more than anything. Looking back I realize at that time that I thought we were going to be totally fine. He's still hanging around and our interaction with each other is "good" so I got my hopes up.

I think the fact that I've held on to every little bit of something that he throws out to me, it has made it that much harder to detach. And that's why my process seems so much longer. And when I say process, I mean feeling like I'm ok without H and my life is my own now. Acceptance... like I said before. Sometimes continuing on like "normal" with H only prolongs the time it will take you to really get to that point.

Am I even making sense? I think the continued activities together is just making it harder for you.

[labug]

What's up?

[reachingHigher]

I went to see the C Monday, first time seeing her alone. It was really good. We identified a lot of controlling behaviors from myself and other people in H's life.

Her advice was to continue a date night every week but alternating who plans it. I talked to H about it and he's not willing to do that right now. It reeks of being willing to "work on the marriage" and he's not willing to do that right now. He said to me "this is just where I'm at right now."

She also tried to get me to identify small ways in which I might still be controlling to H or taking care of him like a mother. Her advice, "back off!"

She also recommended a chapter in a book, "the dance of anger" which described the pursuer/distancer relationship. It described our sitch very closely.

H will be visiting this afternoon.

H is obviously very attracted to me. Its a battle for him because he told me he doesn't feel it's right to have a physical relationship with me if he's not willing to work on the marriage.

Here's a quote from the book that meant the most to me:

" When a pursuer learns to back off and put her energies into her own life -- especially if she can do this with dignity and without hostility -- the distancer is more likely to recognize his own needs for contact and closeness ... And begin to pursue. "

[labug]

It's a great book, I have it in the pile at the side of my bed.

Sounds like you found a good IC.

H is obviously very attracted to me. Its a battle for him because he told me he doesn't feel it's right to have a physical relationship with me if he's not willing to work on the marriage.

Believe him. It seems he's saying "Hey, this is just sex" but he knows it's more than "just sex" for you. The more he has to battle that in his head, the more validates to himself that he's doing the right thing.

[labug]

I went back and read that section of the book-had to laugh, it is so like my M was.