I found something ironic and thought I would share..... H comes home and watches re-runs of the x-files.... all the while he could be a freaking episode seeing as how he's been abducted by aliens! LOL
I've also been doing some thinking, dangerous, I know. I wonder how I would be able to trust him ever again (if that ever became an option, I guess that's optimistic of me to think).... I mean everything is such a secret, all the cash being taken out, never throws receipts out here, randomly doing his very small load of laundry tonight after I saw a shirt he would wear to work had been left in his car last night. But then he did have some of his shooting stuff, so he could have gone to the range. He must have brought it in while I was outside weeding the garden tonight..... just odd that he would have to do that little bit of laundry tonight...of course he could always be trying to mess with my head too, since he seems to think I have some secret double life going on with my friend and her car he doesn't know picking me up LOL....
Then I got to thinking, if I did find out about a PA what would I do? Would that ever be forgivable?? I really feel like I don't want it to be, or I shouldn't.... but then I think would I? Then wouldn't I just be a door mat..... shouldn't he just have to suffer the consequences of his mistakes.... but then I would be punishing myself too.... but the betrayal already feels like too much some days..... Thinking about it all just makes me sad..... on the up side I'm not anxious or on the edge of a panic attack.... just sad.......
The affair thing is entwined through my sitch, so here's my thoughts...
IF there is a PA, try to figure out what and why...because it is a symptom of something that has nothing to do with you in all reality.
Pure speculation here...If I remember correctly, your H didn't get a job he REALLY wanted, that he set his heart (and ego) upon having...when he didn't get it, as a man, he might have taken a huge blow to his sense of worth, and therefore self, as many men tie their self-esteem into their job, income, provider status and so forth. Maybe this was the trigger that set off mlc, who knows. So, he pulls away from you because sub-consciously, he does not feel worthy of you (and the difficulty in having kids probably plays in here somewhere too). This running away from his bad feelings about himself (blamed on you because it is so much easier to find an external cause for our discomfort) then has him searching for self and self-esteem, since not getting that job threw all that on the rocks, leading to doing all the standard mlc stuff...including EA/PA possibly.
So, before deciding IF you can forgive and trust again, maybe try to figure out WHY the POSSIBLE affair happened/is happening...
For my W, and I am on the second round of this, it was a mixture of unresolved things from the past, and...PROVING HER DESIRABILITY the first round...this round is proving desirability again and also mix in some replay/exploration from teenage/young adult "wild times" she never had due to her past and low self-esteem and a fear of getting old, she played in cougarville.
As Jack said, if you can/want to forgive, you will. For me, figuring the "why" helped/helps me to truly forgive, and actually, the EA aspects hurt more than the PA aspects...but remember, it's not really about you, its a symptom of mlc and H's attempts, although a very poor way of going about it, to ease something painful in HIM (such as proving his self-worth as a man).
For me, true understanding lead to compassion, which led to forgiveness of a real, true nature...
The trust thing will take time, and him proving to you, and also you allowing him to prove himself...by giving trust forward...by choosing to trust, even if you are not sure...and giving yourself the benefit of the doubt as well...
But, that is for later, not now. Now is for finding understanding.
You were just waiting for some new wrinkle to figure out, weren't you? Like we all need some new mlc weirdness to untangle, huh...lol...
Hope this helps...YMMV
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Here is something from the vets here that I read and ponder whenever I am feeling low about my sitch (bolding is mine)...:
Quote:
The Lighthouse
Your spouse is in huge conflict. The good news is; and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now. The competition that we believe exists with the Other Person is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world. It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.
Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now. Though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong, they do not like what they are doing.
Their actions toward you, the children, the Other Person, and themselves, as well as God, keep them from engaging in any type of real interaction with any real depth and truth.
All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life. Yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lies down, regardless of whom is next to them.
They are the living cliche of 'no matter where you go, there you are.'
They are lost to themselves.
And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home, even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing the beacon.
You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.
Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.
You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them toward it. Let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.
You cannot trust them right now, but you know that, so they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better.
You show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the Other Person is not part of your children's lives...without Love Busting. Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the Other Person is to have no access to them. You fill the children's lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.
Do not discuss or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.
Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is ok. No one can stay very long in that chaos. Remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos, and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.
Be the lighthouse.
Helps me A LOT...hope it does you as well...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Jack~ I can forgive, for sure, I know that, I've had to forgive a few other people for some difficult things to forgive. I agree, if someone keeps bringing something up, then they didn't forgive the person because clearly they are still bothered by it.
Maybe it's not even so much the forgiveness as the trust.... I don't know.... but again, I may not even have to think about that, but I like being optimistic.....
T~ You do remember correctly about the job.... and I think you hit the nail on the head. My counselor has said all along, from everything I have told him, he thinks H is depressed, and feeling like a failure..... and enter MLC. It's nice to get a male perspective too.
My friend and I speculate that he is hanging out with his brothers more and and at least the one male co-worker and said female co-worker because around them he can feel like the alfa male.
My counselor also said H probably feels like since he is a failure I deserve better so, in his analogy.... my C asked me if I had ever seen an old episode of Lassie where the kid is pushing the dog way so it doesn't follow him because the kid knows if the dog follows him he will get hurt. He said, "for lack of better words Heather you are that dog." Interesting analogy, but so true.
Who knows how or if H will be able to work himself through this, he's so far in denial, always saying, it's just a job I will never like any job, that's not it, I just need out of R, then everything will be better......Why do men define themselves by their work?
Also, I have read the lighthouse thing, but thank you for posting it, it's time I read it again, I really enjoy reading it, it renews me to keep going.
Not looking for more MLC mysteries, just very contemplative lately I suppose....
Well, on the up side I'm super busy for the next week. Going to a co-workers wedding, she's very hippie and I'm super excited, they are having it at their house and having a camp out there that night, everyone who attends is welcome to stay, how neat is that? (it's the little things in life that bring me joy). She was also nice enough to tell me to bring along a good friend of mine (she knows my sitch, so I thought it was very nice she's letting me bring someone she doesn't know to her wedding). Then, since my C told me I should volunteer somewhere, I will be helping out the church with VBS Sunday thru Friday nights from 6-8:30! Haven't figured out when I will fit the gym in this week, but I'll think of something!
Dragons.... of course.... I don't know why I didn't think of that.
Well as of last night it appears dear one has cycled back into monster man...... when I looked him in the eyes (had to tell him I wouldn't be home tonight) I didn't know who he was.... so here we go again.... He's also throwing stuff away again.... found a pic of me and a pic of me and him in the trash..... I was sooooo ticked off...... I fished them out and put them with the rest of the pic's, I didn't say a word, just went about wrapping wedding gifts.
hrm, I'm sorry that he's back to tossing stuff out again. I'm afraid you are going to have to check the trash periodically because it appears he is on a mission to rid any and all reminders of the relationship that you two shared. You handled the situation great! The less you say when you discover what he's done w/the photos, the better. Thank goodness you found them before the trash was put out for pick up!
They do tend to go through periods of being the monster. You've become quite good at reading your h. I'm sure he wasn't happy to learn that you were going out last night, but that is too bad.
I hope you have a good weekend! Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
