Moving is not an option. My W has two S's and she and her XH have a good relationship. Yes you are right on the visitation. I am 90% sure the court will award sole custody to me but the unknown is how much visitation she will be granted and how that will work out. My W has been such a wonderful mother figure to my two D's and just don't know how to set up barriers to keep the Crazy ex from interfering in our lives. Suggestions??
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Hi March1, Funny I had no idea I was so attached to that word. Appearently I am a But man:-) Going back and looking at the ways I have used the word but it would appear that I feel one way or act one way but in my head I know I should be going down a different path or that I already know the answer to my own question.
How did I do? Moer insite form you?
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
I don't know man, I just see you being very comfortable when you are the victim of another's behavior..
And the 'buts' kinda prove that.
Anytime there is a 'but' used , it discounts everything that was said previously to it.
I would be thinner, BUT they make doughnuts...
It is an excuse, to not do better in any situation. And I think that you use that to your advantage.
You are looking at your wife, to validate what YOU should do in any situation. Not only that, you are looking toward your Ex for the direction that you should move regarding custody.
I think that you placed her in a no-win situation. One that should have been finished before she was involved. She essentially married the both of you. ( you and ex).
That part, is over and gone now, and there is nothing that you can do to change anything about it. All you can do, is to move forward with a better set of tools to use.
I would like to see what your goals are...for YOU.
Something that you can work toward, that does NOT include another person.
Truegritter eluded to co-dependency issues...
What are you doing / reading to help you understand what that means ??
It's all too easy to commiserate, and stay trapped in the victim role....
Right up until the time when it is not okay anymore to do that. All you have to do, is to want to move past it.
All it takes is for you want to change that part of your life, and move toward it, instead of away from it.
Yes I realize the co-dependency is an issue. I have been going to IC a few times per month and she recommended a book. I was also recommended another book and I have that one on order. So yes I agree I am very co-dependent and have in the past used my W as a crutch in all most everything I do. Not sure how I am allowing my ex to give me direction on how to move forward with custody. If you meant my W then yes I did wait for her to tell me that she was comfortable moving forward with the custody battle. I have been thru this with my crazy ex for 7 years now and when I started dating my current W I had just let things go, I felt like there was nothing I could do. I spent 100k in attorney fees to try and make things right for my kids but I could not get anyone to listen. Now in a big way thanks to my W everyone is listening and I am very hopeful for the outcome but I also know that no matter how out of control my crazy ex is the court will still allow her some visitation even if it is supervised. So I am not sure that is going to be good enough for my W. That is why I need to try and plan for it and have some sort of boundaries set up to address it.
My Goals for myself – - My weight – I have lost about 35lbs since first of the year. I have been doing at least 10 miles on the bike every day and joined a crossfit gym last week. So I am making progress on my path to drop another 50 lbs. - Co-dependency – I need to learn how to be happy with me. - Financial – The custody battle has pretty much ruined me financially which was also a major issue for my W. I am also in the process of changing directions in my career. I have been a construction manager for a long time and unless I want to move state to state I need to change careers. I am planning on switching over to Real Estate and home inspections. I now have a state license in both. My W is pretty concerned about getting these going and being financially viable. So I need to really dive in and make it happen because in 6 months the job I am on will be over and I will be left with little except a pile of attorney bills. - Food / Shopping addiction – I have in past turned to food and shopping to make myself feel better. I went to my first EA meeting two weeks ago. So I am trying to work on this. I think a lot of what I am dealing with ties into the co-dependency and my low self-confidence. - Social – I am better in small groups but just as comfortable staying home and hanging out. I need to get out and be more active and social. I have started contacting old friends and have started accepting invitations to lunch’s and get togethers. - Custody of my kids – I am going forward with everything I know to do and hoping for the best. I was way too concerned about doing this even though I knew it was the right thing. Really not much I can do about this except hang on. - Church – This has been a struggle for me. My W loved the church but was not what you might call super religious. I believe but it is so hard to let go and really truly believe. I have started going to church to listen to the messages and hoping it will sink in. I need to figure out how to open my heart and mind. Ok so comments feedback on goals? I tried to be more aware of the buts!
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Yes I realize the co-dependency is an issue. I have been going to IC a few times per month and she recommended a book. I was also recommended another book and I have that one on order. So yes I agree I am very co-dependent and have in the past used my W as a crutch in all most everything I do. Not sure how I am allowing my ex to give me direction on how to move forward with custody. If you meant my W then yes I did wait for her to tell me that she was comfortable moving forward with the custody battle. I have been thru this with my crazy ex for 7 years now and when I started dating my current W I had just let things go, I felt like there was nothing I could do. I spent 100k in attorney fees to try and make things right for my kids but I could not get anyone to listen. Now in a big way thanks to my W everyone is listening and I am very hopeful for the outcome but I also know that no matter how out of control my crazy ex is the court will still allow her some visitation even if it is supervised. So I am not sure that is going to be good enough for my W. That is why I need to try and plan for it and have some sort of boundaries set up to address it.
I want you to read this again ^^^^^^^
Remove yourself from it, and give me an honest opinion of what you would say to someone that told you this about them self...
Quote:
My Goals for myself – - My weight – I have lost about 35lbs since first of the year. I have been doing at least 10 miles on the bike every day and joined a crossfit gym last week. So I am making progress on my path to drop another 50 lbs.
Good for you...
Quote:
- Co-dependency – I need to learn how to be happy with me.
What are you doing to learn ?
Quote:
- Financial – The custody battle has pretty much ruined me financially which was also a major issue for my W. I am also in the process of changing directions in my career. I have been a construction manager for a long time and unless I want to move state to state I need to change careers. I am planning on switching over to Real Estate and home inspections. I now have a state license in both. My W is pretty concerned about getting these going and being financially viable. So I need to really dive in and make it happen because in 6 months the job I am on will be over and I will be left with little except a pile of attorney bills.
See "Custody of my kids" below
Quote:
- Food / Shopping addiction – I have in past turned to food and shopping to make myself feel better. I went to my first EA meeting two weeks ago. So I am trying to work on this. I think a lot of what I am dealing with ties into the co-dependency and my low self-confidence.
How are you addressing this ? By what means are you prepared to change this ?
Quote:
- Social – I am better in small groups but just as comfortable staying home and hanging out. I need to get out and be more active and social. I have started contacting old friends and have started accepting invitations to lunch’s and get togethers.
Small steps...and not something that will change overnight. Push yourself out of your comfort zone, a little at a time.
Quote:
- Custody of my kids – I am going forward with everything I know to do and hoping for the best. I was way too concerned about doing this even though I knew it was the right thing. Really not much I can do about this except hang on.
I think you should find a balance with all of this. Above, you state that you are ruined financially, and there is a gloom to your words. Here, you speak of the same situation with a vigor in your words. Which one is true to who you want to be ?
IF it is the right thing to do, then find a way, and don't complain about the rest of it. You are committed to this, right ?
Then stop whining about how you have to get this point and do what needs to be done.
What is it, that you are afraid of here ?
Quote:
- Church – This has been a struggle for me. My W loved the church but was not what you might call super religious. I believe but it is so hard to let go and really truly believe. I have started going to church to listen to the messages and hoping it will sink in. I need to figure out how to open my heart and mind.
Faith is individual....
Are you going to church because you want to go ?
Or because you think it will build a bridge back to your marriage ????
(P.S. - Notice the 'but' in that sentence. ^^^^ The 'I believe' becomes invisible to me)
Quote:
Ok so comments feedback on goals? I tried to be more aware of the buts!
The buts ???
Nah, you own them...
I can tell you this ....
IF you live your life with buts, then you will always have an excuse.
Watch your thoughts......
Thoughts become words...
Words become actions..
Actions become habits...
Habits become a life style...
Where are your thoughts leading you ????
"Oz never did give nothin to the Tin Man, that he didn't already have"
I put my wedding ring back on today. She took hers off about 2 months ago and I did not find out until she called me to come help her as she had a flat tire. She had also hid her relationship status on Facebook (did not change it to single just hide it)I was shocked and hurt. So about 2 weeks ago I figured I would do the same thing. I hide my relationship status and took off my wedding ring. I did it mostly to see if I could get a reaction from her. None!
Tin- I know you are going thru trial and error to see what will bring your w back to you and that is a learning experience we all here go through.
I would advise you to not do anything just to get a reaction out of your w. Do things for you that feel right to you without worrying about a response or reaction from your w.
If your w ever decides to return to you and give it a shot would you prefer it to be 100% her choice or would you be fine if you manipulated her into it in some form or fashion?
Tin- I also battle with co-dependency and also how much space to give and I have been at this about a year.
This time and circumstance you are in is perhaps the greatest opportunity of your life to examine yourself and find out who you are and who you decide you want to be. Use it to the best of your ability.
And feel blessed to know that Mach^^^ is posting to you early on in this. His wisdom is priceless!
