Interesting couple of days. I feel like i have had my eyes opened to a lot of my issues. Yes i have listened to my W explain some of these things but i dont think i ever really understood. Well i have gone through my share of aelf help books and besides DB and DR there have been other helpful ones but i have been reading one the last few days that has rocked my perception of myself. No more mister nice guy, has opened my eyes to see how i have been doing things in order to gain approval, doing for W in hope of having it returned and how i tend to try and control and manipulte situations, and putting others needs ahead of mine hoping mine will be met in exchange.
With that said i feel like i better understand my W concerns and hesitations with our M (outside of dealing with my crazy x). I feel like i can truly go forward and focus on my needs and not have to rely on my W to be the center of my joy.
Ok so W text this aftermoon and asked me if we could get go out tonight:-)
So pretty good couple of days for me. Moving on to a better place for myself.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Thank you unbidden:-) I do feel like over the last few days I am finally understanding my own issues. Sad thing is that when I think back I have always been like this and did not realize what an issue it was. I am a nice guy and looked at that as a good thing. now i know better. I would give of myself, hoping to have my needs meet. "Expectations" anyway I finally get it and feels like I have control of myself back.
Okay so W asked to go out tonight and I went down to pick her up. She immediately took my hand and leaned in. I gave her a light kiss and she looked at me smiled and said "really, that's it". We went to dinner, back to her place where she took me to her bedroom and then later we started watching a movie. About half way through I told her I needed to go as it was getting late. It was a great night and I will take it for what it was. Two people enjoying each others company.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Good self examination. So you discovered that u are a "nice guy". Good, now you can change that. I have not read that book but I read "hold on to your NUTS". Good read also. Also look into passive/aggressive behavior. Good guys tend to do that and it can be a relationship buster. Keep up the good work buddy
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
My H is a Nice Guy, but he hasn't had the realizations you have. When he's being nice, it's great but when he's P/A and conflict avoidant, it's awful and as Rick said, a relationship buster.
Learn from that and grow.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hey Tinman, I just wanted to drop by and give you a big thank you! Because of your post I read No More Mr Nice Guy. I almost bought it but low and behold, a quick Google search and the entire book pulls up for free! Gotta love it. Anyway, as you said, WOW, what an eye opener. It sounds like it really spoke to you, me as well. Take care.
Roughenough so glad you found it. And i would have to say it has done wonders for me. W over last few days has done a 180 and has decided i am the one she wants:-) i think me basically letting go and being more confident has opened her eyes. We still have some healing to do but she wants us to be a family again.
I know i cant go back to the old me as i was way too needy and tried to control everything. Letting her lead the way and we just might be stronger than ever. I did get a little down tonight thinking about her seeing someone else but i know it is in past and it will not do anyone any good to think about that.
So grateful for all the support and feedback i have received on here. It has not been easy and hoping to be one of the success stories. I love my W and so glad i did not completly give up!
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Not sure what more there is to say:-) i am so thankful for all your ans crazyville's advice over the last month. I can't tell you how much that has helped and kept me from losing my mind. I will check back in with updates Nd progress.
My W and i have decided to start looking for a home so we can be a family again. We met up with her family this weekend and she told her dad that we were working things out and she said he was very happy for us. I even put my ring back on last night.
I will not lose sight of what is important and plan to continue working on self and us.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
