Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[kat727]

You can do it! Hang in there. This will take more resolve then you have ever used before.

Kat

[LIO]

^^^^ I did it! Thank you for your encouragement! It was/is difficult for sure, because you know at this point, any 'positive' words for me from H = me calling H or giving me permission to talk on and on.

H and S went out on their hike, I went out right before I thought they would be home because I am *always* at home waiting for them, and I thought "why not shake it up?" I purposefully stayed out past the time when H would usually leave. I also went out to eat inside a restaurant by myself (a change for me!). I brought a book, it was nice.

Got home, H talked to me, I grunted a single word response, and headed upstairs. Gave S some candies to give his dad for father's day. H thanked S, and then nicely thanked me specifically by name(something he hadn't done in months).

H said "We are watching this program, you want to watch?" Sure. I came down, didn't say anything. H: "Is something wrong?" Me: "No"
H then talked about the show.
I talked to S about his day.
H recorded another show for me to watch, and was talkative and stayed until now (3 hours later than normal).

Okay the night went better than the day
Tomorrow is another opportunity.

[LIO]

LIO back and reporting...

Mini meltdown yesterday and a little this morning on my front.

Yesterday he was late showing up with S, and I asked 'don't you work today?' I got accused of being passive aggressive (which I am evaluating right now for accuracy) and I said "I always make it a point to be on time for you because I know you hate being late for work. It concerned me when you didn't show up for 20 minutes and didn't call). So that started bad day #1 and me calling him.

The following mini-meltdown:
I'm getting the house ready for sale all on my own, which is the biggest job I've ever had to undertake. H came over today for S and helped moved some stuff downstairs, and also took his suitcase and a blanket with him to take. It bugged me, I admit. I said "if you are going through this house for stuff to take, you need to leave right now and go back to your home. The purpose of today is to get it ready for the carpet cleaners, not for you to disrespect me by taking your stuff right now." Probably an overreaction.

The blanket he joked and said "Well, I need another blanket in case I have house guests, and they need something to snuggle under" (he has no furniture still). Ok, I admit that the thought of another girl going over there bugs me, but that would be really classic... He would end up with a girl who wants to 'take care of him' buy him furniture which he will appreciate the gift, and then he will rebel. Same cycle. I am trying to let that thought go. "No, really it's because the floor is kinda uncomfortable and i need something softer." Me internally ("Good it should be uncomfortable.")

I cannot help but think that H is just going through a phase...


Just 3 more days until the house goes up for sale. I'm thinking my mini-meltdowns are starting to come through because of stress, but also because I really need to review my list of new projects to do. This one has taken up 3 weeks of my time - and it's given me something to focus on other than H. So now I am afraid that I will focus on H and see this scary new world.. So in 3 days, I will have to find a new focus to work on.

I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend who was very needy (both in the dream and real life). In the dream it was to the point where I could not even sit down without him taking the seat and wanting me to sit on his lap. I remember in the dream feeling a little flattered at first, but then it turned into me being completely annoyed and me trying to avoid him at every possible point. Even looking at his face was starting to disgust me.

I woke up. Now I'm trying to apply that to my sitch.

[kat727]

After the house goes on the market, you will need to start looking at job possibilities in your new town. If this is what you want to do, let's keep working to get you there!

kat

[LIO]

Hi kat

Nothing to say on the h front! Doing well on keeping my distance, no phone calls, emails, texts, nothing. If I check the blog I am left feeling empty now,so i don't go there anymore either. I am feeling moody, anxious, but it's right sound the right 'time' for that . Should have recognized it from reading all my previous posts around this time on how we have blowouts (ie like Sunday night where I was told that he is never coming back and I am delusional) After that one, we actually "talked" it out on what the triggers were for both of us (I repeat myself a lot (his problem with me) because he 'hears me' but doesn't acknowledge that he hears me, and he turns his back on me and walks away) While that's a plus and they are getting fewer and further between (1 month ago now, instead of daily,weekly) it's frustrating that I still allow myself to react. When h calls, I just hand phone to s.

So tomorrow is the big listing day! I have just a few items to do around the house, but then it's maintenance ( the hardest part!). A little bit of fear and realization that I could possibly be moving is kicking in. I have never been afraid before, but this is the first potential move without h.

I am making a workout, clean eating challenge with my bf, that we will be starting tomorrow. It's time I get this physical fitness goal of mine started! Once I can get some extra $ in, I would like to sign s and i up for a martial art. I like the structure of it for both of us. And I need to get my frustrations out physically.

[LIO]

Journal part 2

Eek! My house is so clean it scares me! Nothing like a clean house to make me happy! I have a garage full of stuff that I will probably try to sell and get some extra $ and because its less clutter to clean and more time to enjoy.

Got some career advice, now I'm just deciding if I want to continue in my current job type (safety,pays well, bored) or if I want to take the plunge into my passion of real estate! Thinking the plunge. Dare I?! I would definitely not regret it. If I stay here, I can study online. If I move, I have to go to class (the state's requirement).

H called 3 times tonight. Probably for s, but it was 10pm, and s should've been in bed. Besides, h will be over tomorrow afternoon. He can wait.

[LIO]

Journaling/rambling for the day.
I am feeling pretty low at the moment right now. I wrote a letter to H in a journal (saved me from calling him about it tonight) so there is a plus...no talking about the same ol' same ol'.
I think we had some good interactions today - but after last Sunday of him empathetically telling me we will NEVER EVER get back together, I admit my confidence is shot.

H came over for S, but S ended up playing all today with visiting Grandpa, so H and I watched tv and talked about the shows. He also played video games and talked to me about it (kind of like years and years ago). H made a comment today about 'when YOU go buy YOUR house in (SW state) be sure to use the realtor from before.' I didn't expect him to include himself in this, but I was surprised he was so blase about me and S moving there. No d talk. I didn't say anything about that and continued watching his game.
I got 2 workouts done today, and he and s were outside and H invited me to play. Afterwards, I stayed upstairs for the remainder of the night, H involved me in him and S's funny stuff tonight, and I asked H if I should wait to watch the movie he didn't see, or if I could watch it (which I ended up doing as he walked out the door - a big change for me to 1) watch a movie and 2) do it WITHOUT him).

I guess all good signs. But I am feeling sorry for myself it seems. I don't have the confidence today, and I know that I haven't made any progress in getting in shape like I wanted to for years and years... I feel like I'm letting myself down by continuing this way. The possible OW was so much larger than me - which confuses me. He always wanted me to be get into shape, he'd introduce me to people who were runners, or who had lost a lot of weight. I let him (and me down) in that. I run, i exercise, I don't lose weight - unless I eat 1000 calories then I lose weight. Sigh.

I am trying to provide a stress-free home, as he wants 'no responsibilities'.



So bring on the 2x4's or something.
I know I need patience and to set my weight-loss goal as a priority too.

[scaredsilly]

if you want to lose weight, do it for you. begin by smaller portions and healthier food choices. eliminate "white" foods; sugar, flour, white bread, white rice, and eat more green, yellow, orange and red.

eat on smaller plates. wait 20 minutes before you decide to get another portion. drink water with your meals.

walk more. you don't have to run, if you don't want to.

try yoga. it will help you to feel more centered and better about yourself. it's also a very mild but good way to build muscle strength.

[vera be fierce]

LIO - do you lift weights at all? That, in my non-professional opinion, is crucial to weight loss if you are only doing cardio. Body weight squats, planks, and pushups are also really good for you (with proper form).

Also - cut out any soda/pop and drink some green tea or add lemon or cucumber to water to make it more "interesting."

I know how you mean about feeling low after the verbal blow from H. It's good that you got some of that out of your system by writing the letter. Hang in there.

[LIO]

Hi Verab,
Yes, well, I used to because I quite enjoyed it! I've made myself up a plan to follow weight training wise, and diet wise. So that's all I can do is follow it.

ScaredSilly: When I 'was' loosing weight, it was because I was walking all the time during breaks. I lost my focus on that. I also don't drink enough water. I will mark that as something to monitor.

I'm going to try to track my food/exercise online on a different website. So in 1 month, I'll report back some progress