Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 13 1 2 3 4 5 6 12 13
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
Anything new happening?

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
L
LIO Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
Checking in,fellow DB'ers!

I've been working on my house, purging, painting, packing and cleaning (need another word for cleaning that starts with a p!). As the rooms are getting more sparse, it seems that reality is starting to set in a bit for h.

Through talking briefly to him about my pending house listing and my goals (big move on the horizon), h told me he was offered a severance package at work, why and that he couldn't take it. I listened and did not offer a solution (yea for not bing a fixer!) As he chose to move out, since he doesn't have dear old me to fall back on, he is seeing his financial picture for the first time... And the stress it comes with.

I get the feeling he is waiting for my move so he can just show up in the moving truck. Like I have to do all the prep work and he can just "decide" to come or not. I am trying to not put my feelings in this thought as it's imagined for right now.

Still no serving paperwork. I've stopped waiting, and he's stopped mentioning it.
He came over at 5 am this morning told me that i could lay with him on the couch, but "it didn't mean anything", so i said, "well f you, but that doesn't mean anything either, I don't need your scraps (like a bone you feed a dog)". He smiled and "no, come here" and moved to make room for me. He wanted to ml, and initiated.

He also brought up a comment I made yesterday on the phone to my friend about flirting with a convenient store worker...and seemed a bit turned on by that. Hmm. So apparently that's okay with people I have 3 minute exchanges with. I guess that makes me appear desirable to him because others desire me. Come to think about it, when I met him, he made a comment about how he had to chase all the boys away, so I took that as he didn't want me to be flirty,,but looking back, it does seem he liked the idea of him being alpha male.

Physically and mentally I'm starting to be more like I was back then, which I prefer more anyway but I need to get back on my diet, exercising on a daily basis to make it a habit.

So how to balance flirting with my need to make him feel secure (maybe security isn't what he wants).


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
Hey LIO I saw you stopped by my thread - thanks for your thoughts. Just wanted to say thanks and that I hope your house packing/readying is going okay for you.

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
polishing.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
L
LIO Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
Thank you! And polishing great word!

Decided flirting isn't the right word... maybe being more social.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
L
LIO Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
Need help with balancing compassion with detachment.

I admit, this whole situation with h has me bored, and mildly annoyed. I'm in the "hey, just figure it out" mode to him. I have my three big goals I'm working towards, and I am no longer am emotional or reactive towards him (I think...)

But it's mid month lol, so in a trend I'm tracking, this would be the time he tries to drop a bomb or create an issue.

Yesterdays convo:
I have him sign the listing paperwork for the house sale.
H: you see how easy it is for me to sign papers you give me? (referencing the serving paperwork he tried to give me 2 months ago that I told him to have me officially served because I wasn't going to do his job and then stand in line at the courthouse).

M: (smiles). I'm not going to even get into an argument with you today on that!

H: I missed some dog spots downstairs that I can't find
M: yeah I noticed it smells, I'll be taking the carpet cleaner to it this weekend, so hopefully it will find it.

End of convo 1

Convo 2 on phone late last night, I returned phone call 15 minutes after he gets off work
M: you sound tired, what are you doing?
H: sleeping
M: wow, did you eat?
H: no and you need to go to the courthouse and sign the paperwork
(not the good part for me?)
M: look, you've been gone out of here for one month now. If you aren't happy, if you are having a hard time financially, emotionally, or whatever, that is all you. I have no control over anything you are doing. It's all your choices. If it were my choice I'd tell you to get your (self censored) home as I've got a bed upstairs that has your side on it. But I don't control that. If you didn't want to pay your rent, then don't pay it. If you do, then do. Your choices. You want to come home, then come home, you don't then don't. Figure it out! I am sorry if you are struggling. It's hard sometimes, and sometimes its not. I'm sure you will get through and find where you want to be... Wherever that is.
H: I'll see son tomorrow.
M: sounds good, bye.

Yikes. Too much reaction? Need a better one if so. I admit, I get bored/annoyed with the same conversation as last month, as the month before. I am not helping him by doing all the steps for him. I don't want a relationship anymore where I have to do abc, only for him to be resentful of my choices that I run by him first. I am making my own decisions for me now, and he can figure out his. So out of curiosity, we will see on the 15thish next month if this is a pattern? wink

I get it's his struggle. I just don't need it to be mine anymore. I feel like I'm missing my compassion chip now,.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
Originally Posted By: LIO
M: look, you've been gone out of here for one month now. If you aren't happy, if you are having a hard time financially, emotionally, or whatever, that is all you. I have no control over anything you are doing. It's all your choices. If it were my choice I'd tell you to get your (self censored) home as I've got a bed upstairs that has your side on it. But I don't control that. If you didn't want to pay your rent, then don't pay it. If you do, then do. Your choices. You want to come home, then come home, you don't then don't. Figure it out! I am sorry if you are struggling. It's hard sometimes, and sometimes its not. I'm sure you will get through and find where you want to be... Wherever that is.

I get it's his struggle. I just don't need it to be mine anymore. I feel like I'm missing my compassion chip now,.


Here's my 2 cents. Disclaimer: I still don't know what I'm doing so take this with a grain of salt.

My first thought is...you tell him sister! LOL I swear what you said is what I sometimes feel like telling my H.

But...I think you let your feelings about your whole sitch get in the way. To him your response probably sounded resentful (okay, so you proably are, but showing him that isn't going to get you anywhere). It definitely shows that you are still reacting to him emotionally.

Why does he want you to do the paperwork? That's just weird. I haven't gotten to this stage yet so hopefully some of the other folks here can help you with a response for future conversations.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
Reading that LIO I'm thinking that if he was tired and hungry he probably didn't even hear half of it especially if you woke him up. I'm sure it felt good to get off of your chest but, if you have transcribed your whole conversation there, it looks like you were bringing up things (rent) that he wasn't discussing. So I'm not sure what kind of "response" you are looking to have ready in the future because you a) asked him if he was tired and what he was doing when calling him back, b) asked him if he ate, and then c) talked about things he hadn't brought up.

In the future, maybe consider, if he says you need to go sign the papers, just calmly tell him that you're too busy to do that and he will have to have them sent to you. If he persists, just repeat that as many times as he asks you about it.

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
when he says, "you need to..." maybe you could tell him that it's not your need but his and he will just have to make it happen without your help.

he takes care of his needs, you take care of yours. going to the courthouse is not a need of yours.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
L
LIO Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
HI All,
Yes Verab and Ro, you are right. He was tired/possibly hungry and I just launched into a tirade, making it a emotional reaction (maybe not crying/pleading but still an emotional reaction nonetheless).

I'm thinking the best response would be:
"Hi H just returning your call."
or if he says he was sleeping (no matter how early it is): "You do sound tired, I'll talk to you some other time." CLICK
end of conversation. K.I.S.S. wink

This really is like a science experiment. When I do x then y happens. If y is a bad reaction then don't do x! i.e. When I call and H is tired, he will bring up paperwork when I press conversation. So don't press conversation. Noted.

Regarding the paperwork RoRo: from what I can gather now looking at previous 'experiments' err experience, H will bring up paperwork when he is fearful or feeling backed into a corner.
So me having him sign the listing paperwork for the house (although necessary for me on a financial standpoint because it's eating up 50% of my income, and he even though he HATES the house and wanted to sell it before), I'm guessing here that by me putting house up for sale, it is a sign of me moving forward... with or without him. He can't just pop in whenever he wants in my next place as he can here. His reaction is fear-based. I also expected him to say something about the serving paperwork, so I didn't let his comment bother me.

And the convo last night, it was based on being backed into corner of having to be forced into a one-sided conversation when he was tired.

ScaredSilly: I agree - which is why I haven't 'helped' him with this. I have always done something when he wants it (see my slip with the carpet cleaning comment above). I have this bad habit of if someone tells me something, I assume they want me to take action, and I need to break myself of that. In the paperwork case, I'm not a genie and saying 'your wish is my command', because you are right, it is not need of mine.
As Verab wrote, 'I am just too busy' for it. It isn't a priority of mine, and I won't do it. If he wants it bad enough, he will do it himself.

See, thank you all for your help. It helps me so much to write this down, get another perspective on it because I wouldn't have realized the two ways the paperwork is brought up (fear and backed into corner). SO at least my next 'reaction' will be the same as the morning one "Oh I am not going to be getting into an argument with you today! (smiles)" or "I'm sorry I can't help you with that." and be quiet.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Page 4 of 13 1 2 3 4 5 6 12 13

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard