Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Yeah sometimes over email, the phone, and in person usually.
I'm dealing with an alien at the moment though!

He just left without saying a word tonight, like I don't matter - meh. Doesn't bother me as much as he thinks it does I matter more than anything he knows, and as long as I remember that, then I'm good!

I just got back from my trip to the SW and I am so determined to move. Blue skies... traded for grey here. depressing. I felt it right away on my return. I came home and 1) the email I received from H was sending tension in my back (I could literally feel it). He said in response to my request for no opposite sex and for him to come over and visit son "fine, but you need to go to the courthouse and sign the documents". Yeah.... not likely. Get me served! I'm not wasting my time!
2) the weather here [censored]. How can I go from 80+ sunny days to grey, cloudy and 50 degrees? I can't. I'm more determined to move. H can come if he wants, or not. I just need to wait until July if I ever get served to know if I can pull it off with full custody or not. My inlaws want me to move down there with grandson (son). I'm also inclined to do so. I would love H to go, but not counting on it.

I can't be held hostage here forever. Funnily enough, H is affected by the weather but has no clue. Whatever. He can blame it all on me! It's depression. I hate he can't see it. Who knows if he called a counselor - but my plan is still to move by October. I'm excited by that - the change of local, the change of jobs. The new start I need (and ironically H is doing).

I arrived back to my house and I was very proud of the progress I've made to get it sellable in 3 days. One more to go. I just need to keep working, and with S back in the house, my encounters with H are going to be more frequent. I try not to pester him or get in his way though. He is very odd about me 'hovering' but also wants my help. So whatever.

Things I'm doing differently:
stop caring about what he thinks.
That's enough. I don't need his stress although son (5) already figured out to try to say "well, I'll just live at dad's". Sadly I know that H couldn't handle that. And I know that H is avoiding real responsibility right now. So I'm just going to be the best mommy a kid could want, and H can come along, or go down his path - his choice... just as mine is... no matter how much he tries to keep me hostage by location.

I need to work on my temper. I hate he stonewalls me. I need to walk away instead of carrying on. Resources? Anyone?

[LIO]

Journal:
H came over yesterday in the afternoon, and mainly watched tv and played on the internet (no different than when he was living here). I do kind of hope that one night he will think 'I'm wasting $ to go to an empty apartment'. IT's only been 1.5 weeks though. Too early. I have a whole summer ahead of me before I move myself.

I'm frustrated. My own expectations?
If he was so interested in a divorce, then why is his routine so much of the same old behaviors?

Anytime I try to set a boundary or a expectation - he throws in "I need you to go to the courthouse and sign the serving paperwork". URgh.

I have to go to work at 9, and I have no idea when he plans on being here. I would like to say in an email:

"I need to leave for work by 8:30 each day, what time will you be over to take care of S?" or "So I can plan my week, I need to know what times you will be available to watch S"
I feel disrespected, like my time isn't valuable. I do have a adjustable work schedule - but 9 is pushing it for me.

Do I mention that every time I ask for a plan, he mentions the paperwork? Guess he was serious when he didn't want responsibility right now. I feel that not having responsibility means it easier to disconnect from the family (which is so opposite of how he used to be). It's too much of acting like a teenager. At least he has to pay money for rent.

I doubt he called the counselor too, like he promised 3 times.
I really wanted him to do this, but that's not enough. He has to want that. I know this.

I am frustrated because this seems like such a struggle.
Got it, he's on his own... He comes over, does what he normally does, then goes to his place to sleep on the floor and this whole thing eats up $1000 of his $2000. But I shut up because if he doesn't do this, there is no chance for 'us'. I would hear about it indefinitely on how he wants out. Right now, I learn patience. and how to control myself... and not tell others what to do. 2 very trying lessons for me.

[kat727]

I feel as if he is cake eating ie coming to your house to play video games and such. He should take s to his apartment. Nothing to do there? Sorry that is part of what he is wanting. Divorce is rough especially on those who haven't thought it true. Best introduce him to that world sooner than later. It might help your cause.

kat

[kat727]

**through** not true.

[LIO]

Hi Kat! Yes, I'm thinking about that as you say it. I will decide later on this week or so if I want to talk about changing the arrangement.

On some good news:
Got an initial comp for the house, and it's a lot more than I anticipated! Crosses fingers that it will go for that price.
H isn't helping with prepping the house, but that's okay - I just need him to sign the paperwork. His forte is never home repair anyway.

Other stuff:

I went to my last counseling session last night, and was very encouraged. We briefly discussed H, but that wasn't the purpose of my counseling at this point. I said that H has his own life to work through, and I am mapping out mine! If they cross, so be it, if not, well, then it's not meant to be.

H came over to be with S, and we talked briefly. He asked what our plans were tonight and I said we were planning on going to the library. He wanted to know if he could take S to a kids place and I said "Oh sure! that sounds like fun for you two, I can always take him to the library before you head over tomorrow if that is helpful." He looked shocked that I didn't try to invite myself and that I was accommodating him.

I asked him how his business(es) were going (nothing happening yet) and lightly teased him about his words (the only reason for not being married is so he can start his businesses) and how it might not be 'me'. (joking with us is always good).

He saw that I'm actually making progress on getting the house ready for sale,and asked how the meeting with the agent went. I excitedly told him about how it was going. I also made a quick mention about how I'm planning on switching jobs in the next few months and will be using the funds from this house (if there is any!) to use on a downpayment on a cheaper next house with a pool (which isn't anywhere local as I'm leaving this state!).

I then told him about my latest therapy session and how people like me and him tend to get bored and sabotage our relationships because we like to 'fix the chaos we created' like it's a puzzle by giving ourselves a problem to work on. It was really eye opening visits to me, and I told him that I absolutely would start fights with him just because I was bored, and how I felt that in a way he was doing the same.

He sat there quiet and not looking at me, I thought that I was just talking to myself or I went too far, so I just said 'well, okay I'm heading in, I'll let you both be' and he stopped me and said he was listening (um wow). So I continued on and told him about how she encouraged me to work on my projects that I have going on, and how I would be a great entrepreneur and how to nourish my brain so I don't create these relationship problems. I also mentioned that I told him because 1)I am excited about it and what it means for me to have a direction that isn't me focusing my energy on him entirely, and 2)I believe he and I are the same in a lot of ways, and if he gets any benefit from what I learned, then that's good, maybe he can apply it - if not, no loss! Kind of a two for one special on therapy.

He 'listened' and then I excused myself after playing with the dog with him for a bit, leaving him and S (so I don't hover like he said before).

So H and S are out at their activity, I am feeling just fine being on my own, and I think him moving out has been the best thing for me in an unimaginable way. I am learning so much about who I am and what I want. I also look at him differently now too.

[kat727]

I would say you shared way too much. I would have not shared the therapy session but just left the conversation after the house update. He didn't ask about the therapy but you volunteered it up. When you feel good about something. I think you need to find someone else to share that with. Then if for some reason things don't go quite as you hoped in your positive state, he can't use it against you later.

Like I've said before, you rush in when you feel good or take something he says or does positively. Use that good energy and keep moving forward regardless of what he does or says. Change your habits and then you will be on your way.

kat

[LIO]

Hi Kat
Yep - it's that dang 'oh good things happen, then I'll text/email/ talk too much' syndrome. Gah. I get so excited about things I have it pinned to my sleeve like 'see everyone!' Time to invoke some mystery and keep up my good changes and SHUT UP!

H popped over this morning while S5 and I were running at the track. S and I spent the morning with my mom and sister shopping, walking, and talking. So I got some good exercise in today - ran at the track, spent the day cleaning upstairs (really trying to make progress on this house selling thing) while H was downstairs. H made S and I dinner, and volunteered to drop us off a mile from the house on his way out tonight (S and I walk the dog every night).

I was in a great mood today, H seemed good, I left him alone to do whatever he was doing while I worked on my projects, and he sought me out. No forced interaction, and there was no negativity today. H actually initiated sex (physical need or mental, I'm not going to judge lol - for ONCE in the last 4 months I didn't need to initiate!)

It was cloudy and cool today (so much for almost summer?) but no rain! H's mood is turning, I can tell. He knows that I'm not staying here. He knows the logic, and he knows that I can't take another winter here, and definitely not 'his' winter, and that I'm going "with or without" him. I see he is watching me and waiting for my next move.

And my next move is... resting my tired legs now! No texts, no calls, no emails from me today! WOOT! I didn't even need to 'text' him some sort of message hoping for a reply as some sort of 'sign' of a confirmation of a good day as I've done before.

Tomorrow I continue on with the house, and get some studying in (I do have to attempt to get a new job at some point!). I have some new books to read too (meditation this time).

[LIO]

Also should mention:
Changes I've made (and continue to work on):
--- not asking what he is doing, or getting involved in his day
--- no talking about the relationship
--- not being jealous. I've been putting up that red stop sign in my head and it works VERY well.
--- being 'accommodating' and not telling him what he should or shouldn't do
--- no calls, no emails, no texts (hard hard hard but worth my peace of mind).
--- when I go out with S, I don't even think about H anymore. Before I would think 'Oh H is missing out on xyz'. It doesn't even cross my mind - I'm just thinking about me and S
--- I do NOT talk about my job. at all. Nor money (as he requested as it's a sore subject for him).
--- I smile and laugh more now.
--- I am stopping 'fear' (false expectations appearing real) from taking over (again hard, but important!)
--- I refuse to 'mind read' and have told him this. I get that in the past I have made him shut down, but if we are to continue any relationship, I need him to tell me what he wants, otherwise it stresses me out to try to figure it out, and it wastes both of our time). I've been trying to demonstrate this with not jumping down his throat or immediately responding with a solution when he does talk (like I already thought of the answer while he was talking).
--- H is NO longer my hobby. I know I talk about him here, but that's pretty much it.

These have all taken me some time and some days are harder, but I am a optimistic person and I know that life will work itself out how it should. I just don't need to keep creating barriers.

Some good things this has shown me:
I can live on my own just fine
I don't need to be 'dependent' on anyone
I actually enjoy seeing what kind of person he is and stopped putting him in a box. Ditto for myself. I didn't realize the limitations I put on myself.
I enjoy my time with S.
I actually accomplish what I want (I get what I want) when I put effort into it (speaking more of my goals).

Oh and a GAL: next weekend I'm going to run a 10k race (I haven't ran 6 miles in a few weeks, but I'm sure I'll be fine! Gives me something to do, and a new tshirt)

[LIO]

Journal: Just checking in...

I am too impatient for patience! More reading....
It's been what, 4 months of rude attitude from him to me (which he has stopped).
3 weeks since H moved out
just 2 days since H initiated sex (but no ILY, kisses, hugs, etc)
and I'm sitting here getting frustrated that he is still in that apartment, and frustrated at myself for not being patient!

Today: H was late, and indirectly said that I was upset because he was 'controlling' all his money and I didn't like his choices.
I lapsed.... I said: 'no, it's not about what choices you make, it's your money, you do what you want with it. I get frustrated when I see that [damaged] vehicle you drive in, knowing that we are now both so tight with money (it's a HUGE danger at this point - very unsafe) when we could have easily afforded to get something else, and that I made it so you felt like you couldn't tell me that you didn't like what I did with our money, or that you couldn't tell me to back off when I was too needy. And I'm ready to sell this house and move by the end of summer and I don't know what you are planning on, but I'm going with S, and I want you to be there, but that's your choice, and I can't mind read and I hope that you can tell me directly what it is that you need...

I left for the gym, and let him be. I needed to chill out. I lapsed into 'telling him' what to do and what I was going to do. BAH.
I was reading last night here in another thread about someone putting out a 'annoyance' and the other person taking care of it. The first person never got the opportunity to experience the journey. I need to learn patience... and let others fix their own stuff. It's not my responsibility to worry about his vehicle. I know this.

I think I set myself up for stress today by having 'too' much to do and I have another meeting with an agent in 1 hour for the house. I need to take a mental health day and just enjoy it.


He did make me lunch afterwards (he used to 4 months ago).
H asked me to rent a movie series for Saturday. Probably more for S and him, but I will get it.

This afternoon, I made it a point to laugh more with him and S in our brief interaction before he headed out.

To do:
Appreciate the small moments and stop verbally vomiting! I did not call/email/text though. That part is getting easier.
Let him make his own choices. He knows what I'm working on.

[kat727]

Sorry I haven't stopped by much lately. I have somethings going on in the family and have been busy with that. Anyway it is good to see that you realize when you go the wrong way in your meeting with H. That is showing that you are on your way to fix that.

Hang in there. I will try to get by more often.

kat