Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Checking in.
Kat, to answer your question, I didn't know about the one night stand until years later (7 years later). Out of his own guilt.

The last EA I stepped in when I found out about it (leading me here in Feb), and that was 'controlling'. He didn't get to end it himself. Which he responded by filing divorce paperwork.

The previous EA was starting and he lied about his whereabouts (we were about 22 then). I said that it was inappropriate behavior of a married man. He quit that job the next day.

Journal:
So here we are...Thursday
The newest girl had contact with me. He broke it off with her 2 weeks ago, and she has been spiraling since.
I found out the 'relationship' was 3 months (she volunteered that). I said "I don't think it's going to do any of us any good if we talk about our experiences with each other", she figured that H was just waiting for me to sign, and NOT having sex with me. I didn't say one way or another. Just stayed quiet about that and talked about how if she ended up with him that I cared about her being good to my son. If not, than everyone is on their own paths, and our job is to make sure our S's (she has 1 boy 1 year old) was to be good moms, be there, and make wiser choices on who we select as men to show our S's how to be fathers/husbands. I didn't want to talk about my relationship with H. I told her there are 'No answers I could give on why my H does what he does. There is no use asking or thinking about it, it will just drive you crazy and then you get painted as being crazy' She flipped and started to call/text my H saying he used/played her because we were still having sex (I didn't confirm/deny - just stayed quiet).
Series of phone calls on Thursday to me, first H was calm, second call was anger, third removed from situation. All within 3 hours. She is reporting him to his job (I don't know how that works, or if it matters, but nonetheless, he doesn't like public displays like that and said he is quitting regardless now - see EA#1 above).

I am hurt that he had sex with her, but I am not surprised. We are separated. There could be more girls later, there could not be. I fall into that stupid comparison of her vs me. I need to work through this for myself so I can detach more.

H and I talked about non-relationship stuff on Friday. He didn't go to work and is looking for other work. I said I felt bad for him that he was having his work involved. He said he probably would've been fired at some point anyhow because she was going to crack anyhow, and it's a new opportunity for him. We talked about non-relationship stuff Saturday, and today. I did not bring up the girl, what happened. anything. Not my business, and it's his issue.

I've been distant. Polite strangers as Kat says.

GALS:
I went out by myself Friday night while H was here with S. I didn't tell my plans, just went to a bar and met a nice couple who has very similar interests and jobs. We clicked. I came home and made polite conversation about H's project before he started to leave and I was excited to get started on my own project and had such happiness in my attitude.

Note: I did NOT mean for this to sound like I was trying make H jealous. This is what I would tell a person in my field as well. I said 'oh I talked to this guy who is doing xx development and he gave me some great insight on how to break into that, is your group using x or y technology?
H confused "Wait, didn't you go with a girlfriend?"
Me: "No, so do you use x or y because I found out..."
H interrupts, sounding hurt: "So you went alone to a bar?"
Me: "yeah. so do you use x or y because (and I finished my question).
H: "uh...I don't know. Um, the newest thing is um.."
finished conversation before he rushed out the door.

He showed up the with some groceries, and breakfast. Early. No fighting. I took off for 6 hours unaccounted for while he and S went outside. Didn't talk about what I did when I got back. Just stayed mysterious.
Bought some cute clothes. I am on a mission now to look GOOD at all times. No sweats, no hiding. Keep getting my booty in shape and show it off.
Not gonna be crying after him. I am not putting anything into his encounters above either. No more.


Sunday (today), H came over and made breakfast and spent an hour downloading music for my new device. I thanked him. I went for a walk, and then up for a shower. Giving him space. LOTS of space. He specifically came up to say bye to me when he left for a meeting.

Not calling, not emailing. Not contacting. I'm moving forward. I enjoyed my GALS, didn't do it to tell him about it, did it because I needed to deal with the anxiety I feel, I need to meet other people, and I need to live life outside of what H is doing. Or what his OW is saying or doing.

Job situation tomorrow unknown. He will deal with it the way he knows how. I am trying to not 'feel' for him. I am trying to work out my anxiety quietly.

[LIO]

ok question time:

how do I get over this thought of this skanky party girl.
She posted a song and it's one of H's favorite songs -so every time I hear it, I think of her.

What point would it be okay to ask H if he wants to try a marriage workshop.
He just busies himself with work/business that I don't know if this ever is a priority anyway.

[kat727]

Well for one, you ought to know by now that she doesn't mean anything to him. None of them have.

Secondly, you guys aren't ready for any marriage workshop as he isn't showing you that he wants to be in the marriage and make amends. that is when the real work begins. don't be surprised to find yourself more angry with him then. You have been putting those hurts on hold while you are working on you.

I am still listening. kat

[LIO]

Bah frustrating! I just lost my post!

Always level-headed Kat Yes, I do know. To ignore someone like that to that extreme, to call her stupid, like a 13 year old, to say she is 'crazy'.
I am going to be honest - it disgusts me more that he acts like that then that he had sex with her. I don't know her. But to treat people like that... Well I am having a serious question with do I want to be around a person like that, and IS he this person.


Not ready for a marriage workshop yeah, but I will get the book in the next couple of weeks and read. I did read a 'How to handle difficult people' pamphlet today. I am going to try a few of those techniques.

Basically, even though he is adamant about pushing my buttons, I need to be consistent, firm and loving. Even if he hates it right now. I need to work on consistency. Stop being emotional and be stone like. Which also means we do NOT have ANY discussions if I am tired or hungry.

I enrolled in a parenting class from my son's church school. Was good, goes on for the next month. It's about turning 'me' to 'we' - a bit difficult to do with someone who doesn't want there to be a 'we', even if means WE parent.

Gonna go off and make a list of things i need to do to take better care of myself mentally, physically and go to bed. Tough week.

[LIO]

Just journaling for day:

H took S with him to his apartment last night. 2nd time. Very difficult for me He also took S to the zoo. I told H that was great, because for so many years, I had asked H to do some family activities, and H didn't. He told me last night that he put work as the first priority.

S told H all day how much he missed me and his dog.
H took S home early, and both stayed for the rest of the day. I invited H to come over tomorrow if he wanted to.

H's reaction last night reminded me of thinking about times I messed up, blew up, got angry... This is what H remembers of me, my temper.
Yes, I was angry and hurt because I had no idea what was going on. No communication, and lies.

How in the beginning H was hurting, and I sat there and used logic and every phone call every night was me beating him in the head with it. How when I went to his apartment and I looked at it and was disappointed that 'this was how he was living'.

How even a few weeks ago, I still tried to get him to 'see'.

I can see how he feels now with me. Why he says he was stressed. How he sadly says once in awhile: "But I moved out." He was looking for approval.

Yes there is a lot of messed up things that happen...

Bottom line is I need to hold my tongue, and work on my temper.

[LIO]

Journal:
Went to bed with the question of: "Without mentioning M, R, D, what is making me unhappy?" I found that on another thread.

I woke up. My answer was I am lonely and have been for several years. I have also always been 'waiting' for something. Waiting for a job change, waiting for schedule changes. Waiting. I don't enjoy 'now'. In the now, I am treading water but don't know if I am waiting to get rescued, or if eventually I will swim. No progress.

I had the oddest thought when I woke up this morning. When I think about H, it was like a giant screen of static. Nothing discernible, no feelings, no thoughts. No 'what ifs'. Just a bunch of nothing.
Him at his place sleeping on the floor. Nothing. I even thought about him getting into a relationship with yet another person. How I would handle that. Nothing.

The last time he had a 'mental' problem 10 years ago, we were separated for 6 months. During that time we were in love, it was that he couldn't handle life. He had no purpose. I remember that I was concerned that I didn't care as much at the end of 6 months. I am not concerned anymore. The gaping hole is starting to scar up.

I haven't emailed him, I called twice yesterday. No relationship talk then. I don't plan on calling today. He will need to initiate any conversation. He's made it evidently clear that he does not want to talk to me whatsover. SO, my part is the genie in the bottle, as I've always been for him: "As you wish."

Still waiting for house to sell. I have stuff to sell inside.
I'd like to get a month done of the 100's workout. Each day. It's something I can do at home.
This weekend, like to go to church on Sunday and then hiking with S.
S has some school activity nights, like movie nights. I will take him to that.

[kat727]

If it makes you feel any better, I even printed out articles on Mid-life crisis for my now ex to read. He took them and didn't say a whole lot. He never was a knight in shining armour for me though I believe he wanted to be. Thing was, rather than figuring out how to do that for us, he just found someone easier to impress.

An example of how he could have done more: While we were still arguing this whole thing out and he was renting a house, we had a major ice storm and I was without power for 2 days. He just had to light a pilot on the heater for his rental and would have had heat, I had none. He wouldn't bother to light the pilot but just piled on blankets.

The 2nd night the kids were fed up with his ideas and came home. Luckily the power came on right before we figured out how to all get close to the little fireplace. I sent the kids to him because he could at least keep them warm....they just can't be bothered when they are in their messed up fog.

Keep having fun with your son. Can you invite friends over and watch movies or make potluck dinner?

kat

[kat727]

How are you? Just wanted to check in.

kat

[LIO]

I am at a loss.

Yesterday I lost it... I was so angry and upset and everything. Every emotion.

I figured he's got some sort of girlfriend or something now. He didn't show up to his apartment for a whole night. His personal business is HIS personal business, and not mine.
That didn't bother me... too much.

I actually don't know how to compose this - so it's going to be a verbal vomit.

This is a man who does not talk. at all.
He's angry, calling me names, swearing, yelling, sounds depressed, but says he's not. I'm having difficulties detaching right now.

He told me yesterday that 3 years ago, he felt like I didn't love him, I didn't want to be involved in his interests, I didn't care about what he was doing. So he went and found a girlfriend (now or then - I didn't ask)...
This is true. There are a lot of reasons for this. I always loved him - but other priorities and our stupid schedules got in the way, and I couldn't handle stress and loneliness.
He said that it didn't matter anymore, and everything was too little too late.
(This is ALSO the year that he got the first girl involved in a EA... so I don't know if it's just a excuse, justification at this point).

I rushed over to his apartment, gave him a huge huge hug and told him how sorry I was, and how I understood how he felt. I said "I can't do anything about the past, all i can tell you is that I always loved you, even then. and I won't abandon you like that again. I know you say it's too late."

I don't know what to do anymore.
Ignoring him just pushes him away further. Talking to him about our relationship makes him upset.

[LIO]

Well, month 8 of what not to do.
Got into a fight today. A real fight.
I went to his apartment. Shouldn't have. Bad thinking. My fault on that. Note that I will NEVER be at his apartment again. It is a horrible horrible trigger for me. No furniture, a card prominently displayed from not a girlfriend on the dishwasher.

I am mentally and physically exhausted.
I have son all the time. H's work schedule hasn't changed, and I don't know if it ever will.
I work full time. S is at school for 6 hours, and then I have him all evening: M-Th, friday is school and H picks him up and takes him out for a couple of hours, and then the weekends - S is here... most of Saturday, and all of Sunday. H has taken him over twice to his apartment before S gets upset and says he misses me and his dog. H is coming over some weekdays to help with breakfasts. I do appreciate that, but not sure if I should say it or not.

I blew up at H after he told me I needed to get counseling because I'm not handling this well. I told him "I have gone to counseling before, and every time the counselor tells me that I have too much of the responsibilities, I need to set boundaries with H, and then when I do, H says I'm too controlling because of it."

H promised that he was going to help more.
I am tired of living on hopes and ifs.
I asked him if he had preferences for babysitters. "trustworthy" is all he says. Ok...

My inlaws told me this weekend to pack up and move S and I down to where they live, and leave H. My parents live here, but they work and really S is active for them. My inlaws are retired and would be able to take care of S.

I feel hopeless here. trapped.