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#2254604 - 06/15/12 10:30 PM Re: Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this. [Re: LIO]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
Originally Posted By: LIO

This really is like a science experiment. When I do x then y happens. If y is a bad reaction then don't do x! i.e. When I call and H is tired, he will bring up paperwork when I press conversation. So don't press conversation. Noted.


Just clarifying this. In no way am I saying that in order to appease H, I will always do what he wants. That will make me resentful for sure. I'm not resentful. I think that what's going on is that I am not respecting lines of when someone is tired, hungry, or just doesn't want to talk. And I am bored with the same complaints/conversation and no progress. It reminds me of my former boyfriend who is a professional victim. I need to start practicing how to 'hear' someone and not take action on it. Maybe like what I just used this week on former friend:) "Oh yeah, not having a job would be difficult. What do you intend to do to change that?"

Or regarding the carpet cleaning: "Yes, I noticed the smell too. What do you think you could do about that?" instead of me offering a solution for me to take care of it, or saying to hire someone.


I love this DB'ing because it really ISN'T about H. It's about me being a better person all around, including how I communicate, delegate, rediscover what I want in life, and setting my goals and taking steps to doing them. It makes me feel more confident overall! smile
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2254610 - 06/15/12 10:49 PM Re: Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this. [Re: LIO]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
I like, "I'm sorry. I can't help you with that.". I'm gonna have to use that, too!
Thank you!
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2254686 - 06/16/12 05:02 AM Re: Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this. [Re: scaredsilly]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
I did it! I had my own fire in the backyard (something I always equated to h, s and I doing together, but I got tired of waiting.)

Okay, I'm no boy scout... H came out and looked at my fire and rebuilt it (he asked, I accepted) before he left and most importantly, I didn't give him a hard time about leaving or what he was doing (wasting $$) in my opinion. I held my tongue. It hurt.
I only asked "do all artists need to go be conflicted or brooding in order to be inspired?". "shrug" was the response.
Note to self: if this doesn't work out, and I meet another artist.... Run!!!

I am making it a point to not to be on the computer when he is here. Even if we don't engage.

I did have to email him about the money that he is supposed to deposit each month for s and insurance and taxes... I expect some comment about "now I need to sign the paperwork". Lol. I will ignore it.

Tomorrows plan is to get my movies I ordered, and keep packing the house. I also hsve a zen Buddhism book to read (maybe it would help me with the art of detaching!)
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2254696 - 06/16/12 06:22 AM Re: Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this. [Re: LIO]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
I was wrong about his response to the finances. I don't know what to say right now, but I am not responding ATM.

I gave him the total and what it broke down to (he should now, but I know he deletes my emails). It's the same as last month that we got into an argument over.

He responds today with: "I can't even come close to paying that."

Gah!!!!!!! My internal thoughts are running wild. Must not, will not send reply email. Must have better idea what to say when he brings it up..
So what pay nothing like it will disappear? Kinda like how you aren't paying your other personal bill that I stopped paying for you when you moved out?
Well maybe you should've actually done a budget like you said you did. maybe you should realize that u still need to support your son, and pay your bills! I pay for the house you left me with, the utilities you use, and food! It's not like I have any money either!!!

End rant mode.


I'm biting my tongue... Hard.

"I'm sorry, I can't help you with that. I'm sure you will figure something out by x date.". Maybe???
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2254726 - 06/16/12 01:10 PM Re: Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this. [Re: LIO]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
LIO - You haven't mentioned in this thread and I don't remember from your earlier threads, but do you have any type of separation agreement in place? If not, I would recommend consulting an L, especially since H was the one who moved to an apt, to get some advice on how to handle this. Depending on where you are, since he was the one that filed, you may be able to get a temporary support order for S. Protect yourself.

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#2254739 - 06/16/12 02:10 PM Re: Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this. [Re: vera be fierce]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
^^^I agree.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2254780 - 06/16/12 04:48 PM Re: Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this. [Re: labug]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
I did when I consulted with L last month.

Basically unless I sign the serving paperwork, then there is no way I can get any $ from him in a formal way right now.

The lawyer basically said "If you can cover the bills right now, expect to do so. Unless you sign the serving paperwork and proceed with the divorce, there is nothing that will make him HAVE to pay you right now. The judge will look at the day he moved out until the divorce date, and then you will be able to make a claim on the $ at that point, which probably will come to you in terms of retirement or the house as he is most likely not going to come up with the full $ amount at that time."

So in response to my "I'm sorry, I'm sure you will figure something out" email response, he said "Sign the paperwork, then we will talk about payments." I am keeping that email (not responding in person or in email) as if it does go to divorce, that is acknowledgement on his side.

I know that finances stress him out, but bills are bills and I don't get a choice on not paying them. Backed into a corner, he brings out the fact that I won't sign the serving paperwork (which I figured out why he brings it up yesterday). There are two things he won't talk about: money, and his involvement with his EA friend (that ended badly). I am starting to question WHY I would even want to be married to him. IF this is who he is like he says, I don't like this person. But if I say 'he is reacting with fear' then is that justifying him? I think I need to go for a long walk right now and breathe. I feel a bit of anxiety creeping up. I know that everything will work out. I know this. I just need to convince my anxiety that it will be okay. smile

Just 5 days until the house goes up for sale! Eek! After my walk, suffice to say I'll be a bit busy!
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2254787 - 06/16/12 06:09 PM Re: Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this. [Re: LIO]
kat727 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/08
Posts: 9993
Loc: Kansas
Short,sweet and to the point. Stop adding dialog that doesn't need to be there. If it isn't about your son or now about the house, it doesn't need to be brought up. Stay on your new path. It is up to him if he wants to follow or not.

kat
_________________________
M-50(and fabulous!)
S22, S19, D15, D14
Don't judge every day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. Robert Louis Stevenson

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#2254792 - 06/16/12 06:22 PM Re: Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this. [Re: kat727]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
Hi Kat, missed you popping in! Hope things are going well for you. I agree with you, my resolve is smile, and walk away. Unless we are talking about Son, or the house, I'm silent.

I am too busy for the nonsense. I am cordial, I am focused on my goals and I am making good progress every minute. (My mantra today).

I am working on 'silence'... Oh help me to not react or run at the mouth. lol! I can do it!
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2254823 - 06/16/12 09:14 PM Re: Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this. [Re: LIO]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
I suck at the silence..... I walked into my home, calm, cool, collected. H was there.
He noticed my silence, had a bunch of 'sighs' on everything.

H made S and I a sandwich and kept asking for approval on it.
Then mentioned he was taking S on a hike.
"You always block me from going places with you" (bah... shut up LIO)
He talked about me using his online music player (like stealing he was joking). "Oh kinda like you stealing other people's internet connection where you are?" (shut up LIO!)


I am so resolved when I am on my own, alone. When I see him, I need to play this in my head. House or Kid? House or Kid? No. SILENCE!

Ok another try this afternoon.
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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