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I'm so discouraged today. H called me to tell me he is going to a "real estate investors meeting" with one of his new friends tomorrow. That is an interest he and I have had for a long time although we don't have investment property.

He wants to buy a house for himself to live in when he's done with this apartment (soon) It will really complicate our finances.

He's not exactly cold to me, but certainly not warm. He's not a warm & fuzzy person but there's no spark there. Like soda without the fizz.

Somebody tell me DB really works! I feel like there is no hope for this marriage!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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It does work but you have to detach yourself from what he's doing. That's his GAL and it's sucking you in. It should be the other way around.

Did he call to brag or just talk about what's going on with him? Either way, don't answer his calls as often. What have you been doing to show him that you've been GAL?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Depends on what your definition of *works* is.

If you want a guarantee that your marriage will be saved, you won't get it. But your race is far from over.

I agree with Bond. H doesn't want to be married to you, the R is over, you don't have to answer every call.

Did you talk with a L about protecting you and the boys financially?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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He called because the investors meeting is tomorrow and he had been planning on coming out to the house then so he had to coordinate another time. I had to tell him our truck won't start also, as of this morning, I have his car I can use. I told him the truck could wait till Sunday when he comes out for fathers day, but he wants to look at it now; he's just like that.

I didn't think he was trying to brag. It almost felt like he wanted my approval since that was an interest we had together (real estate investing). Three years ago we even paid the $5K to have a personal Robert Kyosocki (sp?) coach to learn real estate investing. We never went through with it. Too scared of losing too much. I signed the papers at H's request to get a loan on our house (we have no mortgage) even though I was uncomfortable with it. I figured he makes the money, let him make the decision. He got cold feet and didn't buy any property, but at least I felt like I supported him.

About GAl, he hasn't seen ANYTHING from me except I joined a photography meetup club and the first meeting is in a week and a half. H saw it on my FB page and said HE is interested in photography! I guess thats how you mean "the other way around". He really doesn't see any other changes in me, I'm sure! Time to make some. smile

thanks so much, MrBond! I really need that encouragement this afternoon!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Posts: 12,602
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"he's just like that."

But YOU don't have to. You have to show him at a certain point that he can't just come and go as he pleases. In the future, if there's something wrong with the car, try and find a way to get it fixed yourself. I know you're tight with funds, but if he's gone you're going to have to figure out how to do it on your own anyway. Might as well start now.

The support you gave him was fine, but you really have to start GALing. It's good that he sees your FB page because it means he's seeing what you're doing. It's a little sneaky, but here's what I would suggest. Start posting about the places you've been or are going to without any specifics. Something like "Going to try out the new Mexican restaurant with a new friend. Can't wait! Yum!"

Then balance it out with posts about your photography and show your photography. Maybe take a photo of a dozen roses and put a smiley face in the comment section. Let him draw his own conclusions. If you're going out, show what a good time you're having and how killer you look. Let him see what he's missing. Let him read the positive posts that people leave for you.

That will show how YOU are GAL without him.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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My first thought was financial, too. You have a hard time paying for things and he's talking about "investing" in real estate? With whose money? Are you protected?


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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It's such a roller coaster! But I'm trying to get off and just watch H on the ride!

Labug & SS, I havent seen a L yet, just got busy this week but plan on next week (truthfully my mind rebels against it, but I know I need to know the facts).

Money actually isn't a problem at all. We have no bills, no mortgage, no car payments, nothing. Lots of expendable income. I have just been trying not to spend extra in case we need it in the future.

I love MrBond's suggestions. Plus, H & I share two credit cards. We put certain types of expenses on each one. Since our separation, I'm constantly seeing entertainment charges that make me wonder. So....if I start going out, he'll see the same from me and wonder.... He always asks me about expenses I incur. Good opportunity to be vague.

Our visit last night was the FIRST time I didn't try to touch him physically at all (hold hands, stand too close to him, seduce him, etc.). I can see so clearly how I've been pursuing him physically if not by words.

When he first arrived he gave me a perfunctory hug. I thought to myself, this is how he hugs other people.

But then mid-visit he came up and really, really held me. Then later I asked him if he wanted to walk with me around our property. He hesitated and asked if I had an issue I needed to discuss. I said no, I just thought he might like to see the wildflowers that were blooming now,

So he said, okay, just a short one. But it was so low-key, so no pressure for him. We delighted together in our back acreage. The occasional bunny rabbit. The willow tree sweeping over the edge of the glassy pond. The prairie flowers.

At one point, I was talking about something I have a real passion for --growing flowers (I also love photographing them). He put his hand affectionately on the back of my neck and held it there for a while as we were walking. I mention this because it's the first time in many months I haven't been chasing him, and I exulted in the free expression he had.

That was it, I actually really did DB!
And when he left, I felt really, really good about myself.

Regarding day-to-day activities, next time I'm going to handle little emergencies without him. This morning he kind of p!$$ed me off the business way he handled getting our truck towed. And when I examined my feeling--I am going to embrace it! I need a little more anger to him and less pity. It will help my new attitude.

So...as I was going to type this post, he called just now to coordinate buying tickets for the family to go to a large water park in the city and later an amusement theme park. Within the next 2-3 weeks. I'm acting as a friend. We can all go. But I'm staying OFF the rollercoaster!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 659
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Great news. Sounded so positive and genuine.

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I had some open flirting with H (both of us) on FaceBook this evening which was kinda fun.

Tonight, I'm going to read the section in "the Passion Trap" suggestions for what one-downs can do. Someone suggested it on this forum.

I found an interesting set of papers as I was cleaning today. Last fall H & I did some marriage surveys I printed off the Internet. I forget from where. One survey was to identify the "love busting" behaviors your spouse has.

The love busters that he had that annoy me are "independent behaviors", "dishonesty" and "selfish demands". The ones that I bust his love with are "disrespectful judgments" and "childish behaviors such as sulking and pouting".

It was somewhat of an eyeopener for me in our current sitch. I can see any time we get together and I don't do DB (like I pry with questions about his behaviors or get upset and start to cry) -- it destroys any chance for regaining a spark of love between us.

It helped me to see why/how DB'ing would work wonders in our sitch. Just takes self-control for me.

I had a really good day. I got some cleaning in house and garden I had been meaning to get to for a while. My emotions were steady all day, which was great!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
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This afternoon, I'm going to meet H for a late lunch and beer and shooting some pool. We had arranged this yesterday.

I spoke on the phone with him just now. He asked what I wanted to do. We explored several options verbally. He asked if I wanted to go to a certain festival in the city, which I do. But he doesn't want to go there with me.

He's got Mr. Nice Guy syndrome. People, including me, can talk him into a lot of things he doesn't want to do.

For the first time, I really explored what he really wanted to do. I didn't want him to go at all if he didn't want to. It ends up he wants to do the pool and beer.

Its a relief for me to know he's not only okay with it, he wants to do this.

So now....to want him but NOT to need him.

I have enjoyed the feral cat analogy of the WAS (TSquared2 in MLC forum).

So...this afternoon I'll practice being cheerful (a quality H has always liked in me), not asking anything personal, and just enjoy the time together. That would be a great success.

And, after, I may go shopping by myself, and meet my girlfriend for a drink. All a 180 for me. But now...S12 just injured his foot jumping off the furniture (yes, true) so I'll have to make sure he doesn't need me to come back early. I think he'll be alright.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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