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Brit45 Offline OP
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Quote:
No, you said you were the MAYOR of Crazytown before!
crazytown is a busy place!

Yes pampering Yankee and people should never underestimate the power of a little nail polish and a professional blow dry! Felt so good and I love all the girls in the salon. The silly conversations, the gossip, so much fun

So last night I felt fantastic. It was the first time I've drank in a really long time and I was feeling it this morning. I needed to take S somewhere but was very tired, so asked H if he could take him instead. I assumed S would take the train and meet H, but H said he was coming this way so he'd pick him up.

When H came over it was perfect DB'ing because a hangover meant that I didn't have the energy to really care about him. He played with the dog. He said you're looking really thin. I just nodded my head and said yeah I had to buy another pair of jeans in smaller size. (I realized as I said that I wasn't responding to his compliment. I was just stating fact as if my weight loss is all a bit boring to me by now! LOL) He asked me about my night. I told him a funny story and he was teasing me about something (something he used to like about me.) He asked me how I was feeling and I said I'm hungover. and he goes oh I thought you looked sad and I started laughing and I said no, I'm just tired. He made small talk about the house or whatever.

Then he asked me if he could get me a drink and I was like I have one. I must have had a confused look on my face and he said I'm sorry it's just you look all sad and hungover and I just want to take care of you and I guess there's nothing do.

WTF???

I said nothing. I think I smiled a little bit and said thanks

On his way out he says well we're off you look fantastic see you later.

I laugh and say I'm hungover and I look fantastic?

and he says well for having a hangover you look pretty goddamn good.

WTF??? I say nothing again.

I am seriously considering giving my girl at the salon a bigger tip. I kept thinking you are a fool to leave this. But I wasn't thinking about it with malice or anger. It was just amusing.

He also said he'd take S out to lunch so I'm happy they are spending more time together.

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Way to go Brit!

And seriously way to go to get such a compliment with a hangover.

I usually look like death warmed over when I have one.... Lol


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Brit45 Offline OP
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S got home said he had good time. so I happy that they spent some time together.

S also shows me some stuff from the speciality food market. And I was like oh cool you guys went there?

I texted H (after Vera said it would be to encourage them spending time together) and said S will never say it but I know he had enjoyed spending time with you.

H said I did too, I will make more of an effort to do that more often. You did have a gift from him for in the morning right?

And I said oh I didn't know it was a gift he just said he'd bought it and then H said that cost me a lot of money sneaky kid. I said I'm confused you bought it for me as a gift? well thank you we will enjoy it for breakfast.

So the man compliments me loads and tries to "take care of me" and buys me breakfast. (but of course goes home to his GF)

I just keep thinking that if I was the GF this behaviour would be unacceptable or just red flags. He may be confused on some level about his feelings for me, but I think that by rushing into this relationship he keeps himself from addressing them. And if things keep ticking over in that relationship he's never going to.

I kind of see it like he's in this brand new model home and it's shiny and clean and everything works and it's easy. And then there's this other house that he used to live in that's like a massive old mansion and it's gorgeous and unique but requires a lot of work and upkeep. He has to decide if he wants to take the easy road. He has a pattern of doing that.

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Brit45 Offline OP
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Busting...well my hair was still all glossy and bouncy from the night before...but yeah I thought it was pretty funny! with a hangover, really? sheesh well I guess he better watch out when he sees me looking 100%

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Went from feeling like I had some degree of an upper hand and then he tells me that he's going somewhere that we'd talking about going to while we were together. Then I was still going to go but couldn't afford to. I am trying to remind myself of his face in that picture. Or ask why I even care that much?

I think hangover isn't helping my moods do I should maybe just shelve it and watch a comedy tonight!

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My entire day and now night has been filled with way too much of H.

S started telling me about H and GF's new place and I wanted to seem like I was cool so I chatted away and listened. It still upset me.

I find myself at times having fantasies of emailing GF and telling her we ML after they met, the things he's said about her, but what will that accomplish. I sit here hating that he's moved on and yet not really wanting to be with him. He is so distant and foreign to me (I know nothing about his life anymore) and yet when I see him everything about him is so familiar and personal. Sometimes even seeing or hearing my last name is painful. I feel like I'm living a lie and hate that at some point I'll change my name.

I hate that today he invaded so much of my life. I am working so hard to be free of this and then this happens.

I will say this I'm not crying. A month ago when he told me they were moving I together I was a wreck. Today I'm not a mess....I'm upset that he still annoys me.
I guess it's time that brings total detachment. I know that I've travelled a good hard road to get here but part of me is jealous because I don't want to be alone and I can't afford to do all the things he's now doing.

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shite brit - reading your post is exactly like reading my mind.

((((( )))))

i know that nothing helps, except a little time and some sleep -and then you get back to feeling yourself again and in a better place in your mind. at least that's what i've come to - just finally letting myself feel it completely - and then moving a teeny tiny step forward

on my trip away this weekend the loneliness and aloneness really hit me - i was astounded - and realized how much i had been repressing it. it's okay for us to feel these things - and in allowing ourselves to acknowledge the feelings, they actually seem to diminish just a little and are a bit easier to handle.

don't email gf - it won't do any good - just makes things more messy. i stupidly asked h around the second month (mostly because he was going on and on about how honest he was now being) whether ow knew that we had slept together - and how was that relationship doing based on honesty. well - all that did was that he "confessed" it to her - and then told me about it - made me plumb sick to my stomach - as she replied very sadly (his words) - "i really want you and i to be honest with each other!!

dealing directly with the ow never did anyone any good - from what i hear - and if you are going to fantasize about doing something why don't you fantasize her falling down a ling hole or blowing up or something more severe!!! (grin - heck, go for it!!)

you just focus on yourself and moving forward and all the new possibilities in your life with all the new stuff you're doing - and i think we will all find eventually that they "invade" are minds less and less as time goes on.

allow, sweet stuff...

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Thank you so much Zig. I like the whole feeling it completely and then moving a teeny tiny step forward. I feel like every month I say goodbye once again.

S told me that H had to finish moving his stuff by Monday. I guess him moving in just seemed more final. And every day every month there's another finality. Sometimes I feel like the worst thing I did was tell him I was having second thoughts because I just feel silly these days that he knows, thinks I can't handle hearing about his new life, and I am rejected. I'm trying to come terms with all of it and just shut the door.

I know that we talk a lot about knowing when you're ready to be done. I feel like I've held the door open and rolled out the red carpet and he's formed a serious relationship with someone else on such a careless manner that it made me feel disrespected and as if our M wasn't important. I understand this is probably how he felt just after we split. I suppose the difference is I'm now not using that as resentment. Whereas he said you slept with someone while we're separated that's it for me. I just think I'm here, but I'm not plan B.

Last night I thought about what it would like..he would have to first move out of her place, get his own, be responsible, independent, transparent, we'd have to date, rediscover each other, safeguard to ensure we kept our identities. And I think would all that really happen. And if it did we'd need to work on communication, the sexual issues, without the rosy glow of projecting onto a new love is he the man I want?

I really hate this. It's hard to believe the best about a person when everyday the actions say otherwise. Everyday he chooses his new life with her and not to have a friendship with me.

I was never going to send her an email. I don't know why I think that sometimes. I guess because I get tired sometimes of being the bigger person.

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So yes I did up crying today I don't even know why. It's been almost 8 months since I told him it was over and here I am still trying to figure myself out.

What have I learned: I'm not a bad person because it didn't work, I did things wrong but I'm becoming a better person, I can live and have a sense of calm and security in myself, I can begin to enjoy my surroundings in the moment, when I feel nervous or anxious it isn't a cue to push forward but to sit and be still, any decision that causes anxiety can be made better by waiting a day or two, that I can look at my H and pragmatically see character flaws that hindered the relationship, I've learned that I need to find myself, be myself, and in any relationship not lose myself.

I feel a million times better just having made that list....Sometimes it's easy to be jealous of the life they seem to be projecting but I am trying to do something different which is not push myself into something that I'm not comfortable doing on the inside. Does that make any sense?

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absolutely. i think a lot of us got here because we were willing to "give and not get".

i wanted my H to have everything he wanted so i bought into it all, putting my needs aside. that really doesn't work because it encourages them to continue being selfish and breeds bitterness in us.

i love reading your posts, brit.

"...when I feel nervous or anxious it isn't a cue to push forward but to sit and be still, any decision that causes anxiety can be made better by waiting a day or two, that I can look at my H and pragmatically see character flaws that hindered the relationship, I've learned that I need to find myself, be myself, and in any relationship not lose myself."

this is great. it's what i need to remember, too. at first, i would have taken him back without any changes to our relationship. now, there's a pretty significant list of things that would have to happen and frankly, i doubt he's capable.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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