NOTICE: We are running maintenance and pruning the forums this week and next. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them asap, as they may be deleted.
WE WILL DO OUR BEST TO KEEP THE FORUMS UP AND RUNNING.
HOWEVER, THERE MAY BE TIMES DURING THIS PROCESS WHEN THEY ARE DOWN.
THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING.
Page 8 of 11 < 1 2 ... 6 7 8 9 10 11 >
Topic Options
#2254469 - 06/15/12 10:14 AM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: vera be fierce]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
vera, sounds like you had a good day yesterday. Feeling fiesty is GOOD! LOL

No real advice on the house. Just take your time making your decision. But definitely don't keep it just because H is trying to rush the sell.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

Top
#2254506 - 06/15/12 11:36 AM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: RoRoinMD]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
I'm not dragging my feet or trying to keep it to spite him or because he's rushing. I just want a clear head about it.

Top
#2254518 - 06/15/12 12:28 PM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: vera be fierce]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
Okay, stupid question, and I think I already know the answer/comments I'm going to get on this.

H got me a book a few years ago. It's kind of a coffee table book type of book. I looked through it and that's about the use I had for it. I looked online and it actually retails for an amount that would make it worth selling (I've sold a lot of used books in the past). It was good to leave on the table so people could look at when they came over but other than that I don't really have much use for it.

The question is - am I a jerk for selling it? IF H noticed that I was selling it (and that's a big IF), he'd (mindreading) likely be pretty hurt and I (codependent) actually had a little pang in my heart when I thought about that. He was pretty proud about that book when he got it for me. But, I could use the cash and I'm always a fan of de-cluttering.

Thoughts?

Top
#2254566 - 06/15/12 04:28 PM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: vera be fierce]
Tinman Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 181
I have sold a few books on Amazon so I would recommend you go on there and see what it sells for used. I have had some pretty nice books and go on there and find out they sell for 10 cents plus $3.99 postage. So it would check first to see if it would be worth the worry.

It's hard to say how it will go over. For me when I saw that she had taken the family frame and removed all the photos of me and my kids I felt pretty low. It is just a thing and if it would help you out then surely he would understand.
_________________________
M-45
W-44
2D - 11&13
2SS - 11&17
Married 10/10/10
Bomb 3/5/12
Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12
Back together 9/12
Seperated 6/13
Divorce Final 11/13/13

Top
#2254607 - 06/15/12 06:45 PM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: Tinman]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
Take H out of it. It's a gift, you can do anything you want to it.

If I bought it for you, do you want to keep it or not?


Will you regret selling it or feel you will need to buy it again?

(BTW, I had the same question about a book that H bought me too!)
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

Top
#2254727 - 06/16/12 09:20 AM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: LIO]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
IMO in the stage he's in, he probably won't notice it. If he does he might take it as a sign that you've moved on and you're not that emotionally attached. When I was a WAW that's how I would have seen it whether I would have been hurt or thought good he's moving on..i don't know.

Top
#2254728 - 06/16/12 09:26 AM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: LIO]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
Thanks LIO. I don't think it's something I would need to buy again.

I think my reticence comes from a place that H used to bring me little gifts here and there and I wasn't always the best at accepting them (he has terrible taste in jewelry on his own). In my family we are very direct with our desired "gifts" (makes it easier around the holidays). I always feel very guilty if someone gets me something that I don't love or can't use because I feel terrible that they spent their hard-earned money on it (wow I guess that comes across as absurdly co-dependent... never realized that one before). As recently as my birthday this year, before BD, H got me a few things and seemed really nervous that I wouldn't like them. I made an effort to show that I did because I wanted him to know that I appreciated his thoughtfulness, even if they weren't necessarily things that I would have wanted for myself. All of this said gift giving isn't his primary LL (based on the quiz) but it's probably his third and still a fairly strong one.

Okay - so that was the context of that, anyway. So, in light of that, I was concerned that selling the book might be invalidating a LL gesture. Overanalyzing? I'm not even so sure what I'm supposed to be doing w/r/t his LLs anymore (primary is physical, obviously not meeting that, second is words of affirmation, have been doing that a little with things around the house that he does).

Last night he was on his way out to meet a friend for a drink and I was getting ready to GAL myself. He asked "Are you coming back tonight?" - 2nd night in a row I've gotten that. I guess he's noticed my GAL and the fact that I went out of town without telling him (on a weekend that he was also out of town). Interesting he keeps asking this since I asked it of him a few weekends ago when he was already out really late to know whether I could use the extra security lock on the door.

He also baked a fruit crisp last night. Before our GALs he'd said he could alter the recipe so that I could eat it, I said he didn't have to do that. When I got back, he'd made the crisp, and weirdly said something very loudly like "you can at least eat part of it!!" And I just looked at him because I was confused and then he said "Oh... I guess you can't. What am I saying?"

Indeed.

Top
#2254729 - 06/16/12 09:28 AM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: vera be fierce]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
^^Having said all of that, I just thought that I could maybe think of it like this - selling the book would give me enough to pay for at least (and likely more than) 1 hour of my attorney's time. Hmm...

Top
#2254755 - 06/16/12 11:14 AM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: vera be fierce]
bustingout Offline
Member

Registered: 05/15/12
Posts: 2547
I think to wait on selling the book until you are sure how you feel about it either way. No need to make a decision that you are not yet fully comfortable with. You can always sell it later. But if you sell it now and don't feel right about it it will eat at you.

Fruit crisps, fajitas and laundry.... Hmmm..starting to sound like the title of a good book/ movie ( a la eat, pray and love!) ;-)
_________________________
TPS
Me: 43 H: 41
M13 T16
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE' (email)
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors began in 2010)
July '14 H says he ended his affair

Top
#2254781 - 06/16/12 12:51 PM Re: Still detaching from the Land of Confusion [Re: bustingout]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
Haha bustingout, it's more like "Eat, Eat, Eat."

Today he asked if I wanted to make a special dish of ours with him this weekend and then I could have the leftovers while he's traveling this week (he's out of town for 12 days straight starting Monday, with a weekend trip to the place where possible/likely OW candidate lives). I tried to make a joke and told him that if he wanted it he could just say that instead of framing it as a way for me to get leftovers. He outlined his schedule for tomorrow and I said I wasn't sure when I'd be around, and he said "Well, I guess I could just make it myself. I'm sure you wouldn't have a problem with that!" I said that I couldn't complain.

He also said he'd been trying to keep up with the laundry and dishes. I said he'd been doing a good job with the dishes and cleaning the kitchen.

He also asked if I'd gone to a movie last night (my movie candy boxes were still out on the dining room table) and asked how it was. I pointed out some issues I had with the movie plot and he said that he was proud of me as a "scientist" for noticing things like that (he's a science guy, I am not). That was kind of odd.

Have some more GAL scheduled this afternoon and tonight and a little bit tomorrow. I also really need to clean up a little - I've been so busy with gym and GAL that I haven't gotten around to it.

I took his stuff out of one of my dresser drawers; if he asks, I'm going to tell him that I need the space.

Top
Page 8 of 11 < 1 2 ... 6 7 8 9 10 11 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004