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I'm there now Labug -- "she seems happy, but I wonder what she might be keeping from me." Well put. I believe they keep things from us because telling us isn't "safe". Making it safe is the challenge for us.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Posts: 2,595
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Wow- once again. The way you describe your H...it is my H too. A nice guy to others. I don't see it as so nice but avoidant.

Echoing you jks, bug and accuracy. I relate to that feeling of us making it safe for them ( even though I am not in piecing I understand that this is something that needs to be done).


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Originally Posted By: Accuray
I believe they keep things from us because telling us isn't "safe". Making it safe is the challenge for us.

Accuray


Accuray this is good. I agree, making it safe is definitely the challenge. I'm right in that spot now. Trying to make it safe, but not really knowing if H feels safe at all.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
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Originally Posted By: labug
He avoided conflict for years until he just couldn't take it and BAM-he's done. Yes, there were little signs along the way but, I was giving off little signs too. When you're maintaining a household, raising 2 kids, taking care of a dying mother, each working, building a house, who notices little signs?


Wow, this describes my situation to a "T." In a way, it's like you almost feel immune to the possibility of D when you're in the thick of it. Just knowing that times are hard right now and we'll get through it.

Well, I guess we're never immune to it. Life is fragile. Relationships are fragile and taking mine for granted was my biggest mistake. Never again.

In fact, my brother and his W, through their bad behavior, remind me of how sad it is to take each other for granted. They constantly talk to down to each other and complain to each other. I never want to have a R like that again. It's so important to show the person you love the most, the simplest acts of love. Speaking to each other in a loving way, complimenting each other, asking each other how you can help one another. I get this now.

If you were to ask 100 people to describe my H, they would say "He's just the type of guy you can tell anything to." I know a lot of people look up to him because of his goodness. I hope, like you, Labug, that he's growing from this experience just as much as I am. Only time will tell.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Yes, I too have learned from this so, so much. I did take things for granted, I put too much energy into the external, I got too wrapped up in me.

I didn't have the tools or the understanding or the willingness then.

Now, I am different.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: labug
Yes, I too have learned from this so, so much. I did take things for granted, I put too much energy into the external, I got too wrapped up in me.

I didn't have the tools or the understanding or the willingness then.

Now, I am different.


Right there with ya, girl. I hope we'll both get the opportunity one day.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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jks, I'm thinking of you this evening and hope you are doing okay.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Originally Posted By: reachingHigher
jks, I'm thinking of you this evening and hope you are doing okay.


Thanks so much, reachinghigher. I'm good. Not great but good. Somewhat at peace with myself. My kids went with H yesterday because I had to work and they stayed overnight because of Father's Day today and my mom and her H left for a 3 week trip to Alaska this morning so I'm on my own for a while. I went to church by myself this morning and was a little sad at times when they were talking about fathers and then had some great spiritual moments as well.

I've been hearing this quote a lot lately and it hits me so hard every time, I heard it today at church... "The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother."

I remember telling my H this in January and his response was, thanks for making me feel guilty. Obviously, that wasn't my goal. It's just a known fact. It teaches girls about the importance of being with a man that truly respects them and shows them love in an admirable way. It teaches boys the way they should be treating women and how to be respectful. I am still hoping for another chance at that.

This Father's Day has been a weird one. I am here alone. My father passed away 7 years ago and so my previous Father's Days have always been spent with H's father and family. Plus, I would be celebrating my H as the father of my children as well. Just weird that my life is like this now. I'm ok with it, really, it doesn't bother me as much as it used to but it's still weird nonetheless.

H ran that relay race with OW, his sister and his dad over the weekend. Remember how he said he just wanted to get through that and then he would find the best time to end things with OW? I'm not holding my breath. I haven't talked to him much at all.

I struggle everyday to know if I really feel like we can make it through this. At times I think "absolutely," and other times, I think, "wow, this is going to be extremely hard."

I'm pretty used to the fact of planning things for me and only me for my future. I just recently planned a mini getaway with a friend for the 4th of July with my kids. It makes me excited to have something to look forward to. Holidays have been hard but as time goes on, it's getting to be normal.

It's not him and me anymore. It's just me. And at times it feels really good to just do the things I want to do and not have to worry about if H will want to do it or not. I have freedom. I'm enjoying this for what it is.

Something I didn't share that happened last Thursday is my SIL gave my number to a guy she works with and showed him a picture of me. He contacted me on Thurs night and we texted for a while and then he ended up calling me. He asked me what I was looking for in men and I basically said, right now, I don't really know how to answer that. He took that as I just want someone to make out with. I told him, no, I wasn't trying to say that. We talked some more and then he got this really great idea that we should meet each other that night.

By this time it was 11:30 at night. My kids were with me asleep but my mom and her H were here with them. I kept telling him no, it's too late and I'm not ready for the day. I was in my pajamas. He said, don't you ever like to do things that are spontaneous? I said, before I was married, maybe I wouldn't have a problem doing this but right now, I can't. Anyway, he kept pressuring me and I finally told him... well, just so you know, I'm not making out with you. He said, ok.

So I went and met him (yeah, I'm retarded, but kept my guard up) and from the whole conversation I basically got that he just wanted some action. I don't know why he thought I was going to give it to him. It was weird.

I learned that I am building more and more self respect for myself. If this were me before I was married, I would have probably given in (meaning, I would have given him what he wanted). I just lacked the self esteem needed to stand up for myself back then. Granted, I did go and meet him but did not let it go further than just talking. Next time, there will be no meeting involved. I should have stood my ground more on that.

I also learned that the way I feel about H is so much deeper than any way I could feel about another guy right now. The one thing that stood out in my mind while I was with this guy is, my H would never treat a woman this way. Meaning, just call a random girl for a booty call in the middle of the night. He is more respectful than that... (you're probably thinking, did she really just say that? He's having a PA.)

It took a lot for my H to be able to get to a place of finally sleeping with someone else. And the woman he's sleeping with is someone he's known for a long time and they did have an EA for almost a year or more before they slept together. So, yes, what he's doing to me right now is disrespectful but I don't think he uses women to get action. I genuinely feel like he thinks he could spend the rest of his life with this woman. And, who knows, he still might.

So just some crazy things I've been going through and thinking about lately. I keep learning things about myself daily. The learning process never stops. I like me and I'm feeling like I can see good thing for my future. I don't know exactly what that is yet but I feel good about it still.

I also wanted to let a lot of you know, that I think I am among some really amazing people on these boards. The amount of strength and courage it takes to take the "higher road" is really so commendable. In a society where everyone believes they're entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want... it's refreshing to know there's still people out there that value hard work and long suffering. Life is that much more meaningful when we've worked so hard to achieve the things we know are right.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Wow, jks.

I'm glad you stood your ground and didn't go against your current convictions with this guy. I think it would've really messed with your mind.

I hear a lot of peace within yourself, but still acknowledging desire for H and loneliness. It sounds really balanced to me.

I can see you respect your H even if not agreeing with his choices. You seem way past the anger stage. I so, so, so hope he comes to his senses soon to see the jewel he has in you!!

Thanks for your courage and honesty in posting your sitch and activities.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Wow JKS, that's a wild story -- I didn't think things like that really happened! He must have been pretty smooth to coax you out of your house at 11:30 at night to meet him, good for you for putting the brakes on. W told me she used to put herself in those situations when she was in her 20's and would also give in because it seemed easier than making a scene. I don't get that.

From the tone of your post it does seem you're doing better, you seem to have found much more calm and peace. I realize it is still terribly terribly hard, but I really think you're doing great!

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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