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i am in meltdown mode today. Been feeling strong for awhile. I know my h is confused but I am so tired. Almost a year now. H53 M50 06/11 ilybnilwy 12/11 moves out 3/12 moves back in 5/12 just moved back for kids wants a divorce. Week later ML with affection and passion of many years ago... speaking to his LL acts of service, he is totally avoiding mine, touch and words of affirmation..... I know, who am I to HAVE EXPECTATIONS?! MIL coming over, she has no idea, thinks everything is rosy....has cancer, nobody wants her to stress. I feel like I could start puking blood any time now...where did Pollyana go today?????!!!!!!

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Yuck. I don't know if it's the tired talking but I feel really uninterested in H right now. Brit I know what you mean about the feeling meaning that it would be a new R. But I don't even feel particularly attracted to him right now.

In better news, I just came up with an awesome craft idea that I'm going to give for an upcoming baby shower. I like making things and giving them to people. Going to focus on that for now.

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Quote:
But I don't even feel particularly attracted to him right now.


I know exactly what you mean there. That's why I was saying am I sad about him or about the M?

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Maybe just sad as part of grieving the loss of both? A partner and best friend, plus married/ family life and dreams?

I know that's what making me sad.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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all of that stuff gets intertwined into ONE person and you then you see them and you're like hang on you're not all that I wish and want....

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I see what you mean there.

Had a nice evening after work. Didn't go home, got a quick dinner out by myself (180) and then went to a recurring GAL educational thing I've been frequenting (by myself - not a 180, I've done it before, but I've never not gone home first, so that's a 180). Had a lovely time, learned some things. Chatted with a guy while waiting in line for part of it about the event, phone apps, and his kid. He introduced himself after we'd been talking for a bit . . . same name as H. Haha! But it was nice to just talk to a complete stranger about something and realize that I can do it, I can be interesting, I can engage in lengthy convos with complete strangers and it's cool to meet new people.

I ended up getting home a lot later than I ever have (at least without having given H some warning). On my way home I got a text from H - "Are you coming home tonight?" My phone was in my purse because I was enjoying my evening so I didn't see it until well after I got in.

He was still in the kitchen when I came in, was on the phone with someone, told them to hold on while he asked me a few questions, and then got off the phone with an "If that works for you . . . I'll talk to you later." Who it was - didn't ask, don't care.

He asked if I went to X event with someone I did my secret daytrip with 2 weekends ago. I just said no, I wasn't, I didn't know that was going on. He tried to make further chat (complaining about multiple family members calling him repeatedly to go to a father's day dinner on sunday; stuff about the concert last night) and I answered his questions briefly but wasn't open about anything else.

He asked if I'd seen the stuff about the realtors he put together, I didn't, because he didn't send me anything. He asked what I thought and I told him to call a few and see what they had to say. He said he wasn't sure how "involved" I wanted to be and I said I would get involved "eventually." (AKA I'd love for this to drag out so I can win the lottery and pay off the mortgage and kick his butt out! wink )

I put my lunch together for tomorrow and went up to the bathroom to get ready for bed. He came up a few minutes later, mentioned something else through the door, then when I didn't engage in further conversation he said goodnight and went into the guest room.

I'm feeling a little feisty right now. Probably delirious from the lack of sleep - I should get to bed. grin

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Fantastic! You should like you're in a really good place! All the GAL, meeting new people even if you'll never talk to them again! Getting out etc.

It's a great feeling when you catch yourself completely outside the sitch. I'm off for my own GAL day!

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About the house, do you really want it? I know it's hard to make those kinds of decisions right now but let me just throw a few things out there.

Your house will always have memories of this M that is now dead. If you R it will still have those memories and that may not be good.

If you D, it will have those memories. Not good.

When my sitch began, I was adamant about not selling the house and I'm glad I wasn't forced to but now...

A fresh start with less *baggage* (and maintenance)sounds lovely.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Well done verab. You continue to inspire me.

I understand what bug is talking about. I keep thinking that this 'dream house' I am in now with the kids will be too much too handle whatever the outcome of the sitch. Something that doesn't need an immediate answer but something to ALSO think about!


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Bug - you're right. It's hard to find certainty in deciding about the house right now. Right now I just don't want to feel rushed. I know H would love to have it instantly sold and get out and move on. I have already told him I am not prepared to take a loss on the house. But I am not going to do any legwork with realtors right now. He wants to get out - he can do that himself.

I have really been biting my tongue about making suggestions about what to ask the realtors in terms of options, timing, what needs to be done on the house, comps, etc. I am not going to let the fixer/planner in me take the reigns on this because I am not certain about what I want. The house is jointly owned so he can't do anything about it without me.

Am I prepared to deal with the house by myself apart from the memories? I'm not sure yet. The house is in a really perfect location for me right now for a variety of reasons, and I am still dealing with anger about needing to sell and move. I suppose that underlying that is a fear that I'll end up somewhere inconvenient, unsafe, not as nice. Are those outcomes realistic? Yes, probably not, and probably.

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