I do think I don't have him on a pedestal and so I am looking at him with the eyes of someone not in love.
But yes counting all the negatives is a way to cope a bit with rejection/dissapointment because I remind myself well I don't want him anyway! Haha
I did have a reaction to her FB picture and had to have a talk with myself why. And i said over and over to myself "then thats his choice" "then he will live eith that" In a strange way I am thankful that he met someone first because I've had to go through this growth rather than have a band aid of my own.
It's hard thing to admit that your spouse doesn't want to be the person you want them to be even if that's a better person.
I forgot to say I did text him after he left to say thank you (I didn't while he was here) and he said no problem happy to help and he's glad my medical drama is almost over. I didn't reply.
i just read your post after i posted my "crazy post for the day"
i realized i feel a lot like you - in terms of being around h - but at the same time still yearning for things to get better.
you're right though - we hold on this image of what we want to believe they are, but the reality doesn't even begin to hit close.
h told me in the weeks after the bomb - this is who i really am this is what i do, and i thought to myself - no that's not true. maybe he IS right - this is who he really is - a person not in touch with himself who can't really live with the integrity needed to live happily, and here i am, agonizing over it.
I'm going dark for no other reason than I'm not sure what our friendship is, I was the fixer for so long that I can't be the fixer now.
i like this - i've also puzzled over this friendship thing - it's not friendship to me, and i'm not willing to be friends. my friends don't betray and lie to me and treat me badly - if they did, i wouldn't continue the friendship
I suddenly thought why am I putting in this effort. Him in person is different than the guy who texts me on Sunday with a private family joke about something my mother would say. And I don't know about any of that anymore.
you're right - it's part of the paradox of facing the reality of the situation you're in. it's only when we really really face it, that this awareness begins to emerge
thanks brit - for writing out your feelings
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I like to think of going dark/dim like wrapping myself in a cozy, warm blanket. It feels good to me and keeps me warm.
It must have been a blow to see him change the profile picture. (This is why I like avoiding FB). And it's sad that it seems like he's not doing so well. Hopefully he'll figure out at some point how to take care of himself.
I think you handled the interaction well and good for not replying to the last text.
So I had this crazy thought to myself oh god what if he takes her to this event coming up that I've always wanted to go to and there was excuse after excuse but he'll finally go with her. And then I thought how long is that going to go on?
I thought it was the end of the world if he continued dating/moving in/going on vacation, etc etc. I can't keep giving power to these monsters in the closet
I have to separate the fantasy of a BF/H that enjoys going to these events and PLANS these things with the reality of how he always acted in these sitches when we were together. And I also need to separate the hurt of him now doing it from the desire of me wanting someone to do those things with.
So a great day/night planned for Friday. Day with S on Sat and Mon. Night out with a friend to the Theatre mid week then weekend away the next weekend. I'm doing the things I want to do. And someone wonderful WILL join me!
So it's the nightly Pema bible study lol and I'm writing now so I don't dream about it!!
Pema says "so if The hot loneliness is there and we sit for 1.6 seconds of restlessness when yesterday we couldn't sit for even one that's the journey of a warrior."
Well I cried happy years because tonight I had a moment where I told you guys about monsters in the closet etc and I was feeling the fear but the fear was that I'd spiral that all this work and happy feelings and I'd still be a mess. I was worried I wouldn't be able to sleep etc.
Well now...now...I read this and I think I did just that. I didn't freak out. I may have had restlessness but I was able to "sit" with it longer.