Scaredsilly is right, you have the gift of time. Time has helped me look at myself and see what I can do to make myself better not for her but for me. Time has started to make me feel good about myself. I have even had people comment on how good of changes they have seen in me, the 180's I have done.
I to was always having thoughts, over time it will slow down. Every once in a while I can't stop thinking. I just take it as it tells me I still love her.
One thing that has helped me shut my mind off is reading my bible or a good book. Sometimes if I have time, I watch a movie that makes me laugh, I have been catching myself laughing more and makes me feel good.
ME 31 / W 29 M 7 / T 13 S 3 / S 5 NOT HAPPY 11/11 BOMB 12/27/11 MOVED OUT 2/12 THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12 W Files D 6/24/12
brit, i think when cadet tells the newcomers that we have been given the gift of time, we think it's to work out what it takes to get our s back.
however, as "time" goes by, i've come to think that, as we work on ourselves and become a better version of ourselves, maybe that "gift" is how we come to understand how our s had some responsibility for the break up, too. and, maybe we deserve better?
this is really insightful , scared silly - and thanks for putting it in words so clearly.
i think cadet should add that explanation to his post tot he newcomer, so they understand right away. i think i took his words to mean the same as you wrote, but there was definitely the inclusion of getting h back as part of it
brit - what you describe - about your h saying yes and then "bit chin' later - i have to say i DON"T miss having that in my life AT ALL, now.
people like me - we say yes and mean it literally - people like our S's - it seems that they simply don't know what they like or don't like and so don't feel any confidence in making decisions one way or the other. then after they say yes, they are second guessing themselves in a way that is completely incomprehensible to us - and i think the complaining and negativity is the surface symptom.
just be glad you aren't on the receiving end of it right now.
hope you feel better about it
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
people like me - we say yes and mean it literally - people like our S's - it seems that they simply don't know what they like or don't like and so don't feel any confidence in making decisions one way or the other. then after they say yes, they are second guessing themselves in a way that is completely incomprehensible to us - and i think the complaining and negativity is the surface symptom.
haha you and I are very alike and I think our H's are as well. or maybe because we're alike we met similar people. who knows.
You're right I don't miss that. When I was "ruminating" about it (I really like that word Zig) what kept coming to mind was how I said I wanted to live with integrity. Integrity is not bad mouthing your GF's hobbies to your W. It used to drive me insane that he would complain for days that he had promised to do something for his mother at the weekend. When I would suggest putting it off, he would say no,, no...and I used to say I think you enjoy the complaining too much. If you didn't have anything to complain about THEN you wouldn't be happy. IMO it's no way to live. But we're different that way. It did lead to second guessing and walking on eggshells.
Today the only thing of note that happened was MIL texted me to say that she showed the picture of the dog with a sign that said Happy Birthday "to everyone" MIL bought me dog and raised her for awhile and adores her. So I thought it would be cute. But when she said that I was worried that "everyone" meant that at MIL's bday dinner which more than likely included H and GF she passed around the pictures. Also because MIL likes the drama. It wasn't my motive, but it did make me feel slightly uncomfortable.
And Zig isn't the only getting noticed. A guy came into my work who teaches a dance class that my friend has been bugging me to go to since she found out me and H split. She said no one goes in couples there's loads of men and it's a lot of fun. He was STUNNINGLY handsome. Not completely sure he was straight HAHA but the receptionist said..he hung back to talk to you...you should go to that class. Interesting is all I'll say.
wanted to say I walked with the dog and I started having random thoughts about H (funny thing is I don't even remember them now) but I thought of the poem Zig posted about Sorrow being a little girl.
When I put my sadness in terms of a small child, I don't know I was able to just think "it's going to be fine, I know you feel this way right now, but it's okay, don't worry" I was reassuring myself.
This is all very strange but it worked and you know..whatever works go with it!!!
So today I had a few moments of thinking that I haven't heard from H and have no reason to expect to hear from H. I felt like we were developing a friendship pre-bomb and that's not there. The interaction on Wednesday was good. But I find myself just coming to the realization more and more, again and again that our lives together have ceased to be. He says that he wanted us to always be friends but he has in a sense replaced that female companionship with someone else. I don't know what our friendship is supposed to look like now. And then I think that maybe I should be the one to reach out. Because I dumped all this pain and hurt and feelings of rejection and abandonment on him a few weeks ago when he said he might be moving in with her. But I try to remember that each time you feel like detaching is what you SHOULDN'T be doing it's when you probably should even more.
Part of me is bitter today because my girlfriends are going on vacation that I was meant to go on but now can't afford. In fact I can't even afford to go out tonight for a friends birthday meanwhile last weekend he was out to dinner several times, went on a mini getaway, and is possibly moving in with her so will have someone help him pay the bills. My lease is up in a month and a half and I'm thinking I may need to move. Even if it means leaving an area I love. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. But maybe that's just normal adjustment.
It's a strange feeling that we're so "out of contact" even when I was a WAW we were out of contact but I knew if I wanted to contact him I could. Now? I don't want to intrude, I don't want to be needy, or cause arguments between him and his GF.
Today I was out in the garden and realized he did a pretty half a$$ job on the hedges. But that's not a new thing he always does that. Unless it's his cars/toys/clothes/computer etc his personal possession he's quite lazy. I always hated that and he always acted like I was either being silly or being over bearing. Because I was insecure I'd second guess myself and think maybe he's right maybe that is okay. Um, no it's not.
There's an outdoor performance art event happening next weekend that I want to go, but I now know it's in the park in walking distance to his GF's apartment. I know I can't live my whole life worrying that I'll run into them. I thought I could post on FB that me and S were going. Then if they were planning to go, he wouldn't because he wouldn't want to run into me. But this is like mayor of crazy town talk isn't it?
more journalling: So I read JKS's thread and she mentioned about rash decisions and being independent and it just made me remember the whole name of my thread!!! My point was not to look at things as obstacles but opportunities.
Money: I have a lot of options, not just moving. I am currently reviewing all my outgoings and looking at ways to save money. I have the gift of time...my lease isn't up tomorrow. I can explore, get informed, and make a good decision. I don't have to feel hopeless. This is an opportunity for me to not slip into victimhood and to make the best informed decision rather than feel as though I'm backed into a corner
H's money decisions: I have always been UNHAPPY with his decisions to let others help him out with money. Family members etc. He is repeating old patterns that ultimately make him feel bad inside. He felt insecure that I made more than him (not much) where she easily makes at least double. I don't think he's become okay with that. But how is this an opportunity for me? It's an opportunity be independent, to take pride in the fact that I am taking care of my responsibilities each moment. He never even balanced his books at his new place before thinking of jumping into hers. So FB may paint a picture of things I'd like to do...but at what price? I want to live with integrity and that includes financial independence.
Oh I haven't looked at his FB since we all had that talk a few days ago.
the event next weekend: how is that an opportunity to grow? I can resolve to live my life by not letting the fear of running into them stop me from doing what I want to do. I will look fabulous, have fun, and if I were to see them I will handle that with grace and poise, but I won't fear it happening. I won't hand over power. And I'll cross that bridge if I ever come to it.
oh sweet girl - reassure yourself- soothe yourself out of this by saying (just like you did on the walk w/dog) - i'm just on the down hill part of the roller coaster and i'll be going up anytime now.
you're ruminating too much - and go to the concert - without "warning' him in advance - that's fixing.
think of it this way if he really doesn't want to run into you with ow - how he's going to scramble with her to get out of sight. much more pleasing scenario, don't you think? imagine the message he's giving her - that you still mean something to him, that he's not unaffected by your presence. in fact - she'll react in some pressuring way.
on the other hand - if he's waltzing her in front of you and s - then you want to protect yourselves - especially if s doesn't know about her(i don't know that for sure?)
either way = indifference - don't care what he might be doing , unless you're protecting your s from getting hurt.
what are your plans for today?
distract yourself - go clean a drawer - and remember - 5 mins tops, for ruminating
((( ))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I have followed a couple of your threads. Brit, thanks again for your input the other day. I am trying to implement the detach piece you mentioned but it feels like it's backfiring. Who knows? Anyway, I have updated my thread and would really appreciate any thoughts that either of you could post for me on my thread. You two seem like you know what your talking about.
the event next weekend: how is that an opportunity to grow? I can resolve to live my life by not letting the fear of running into them stop me from doing what I want to do. I will look fabulous, have fun, and if I were to see them I will handle that with grace and poise, but I won't fear it happening. I won't hand over power. And I'll cross that bridge if I ever come to it.
Love this Brit and love your courage. Love your ability to see the positive in any situation and to use each and every challenge you face as an opportunity to grow.
I truly do see you and the other men and women on this board growing and becoming individuals whom only a fool would leave.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Thanks for sharing Brit45. I am just starting down this road and reading about what others have gone through and how they are growing and becoming better people is very encouraging.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
