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#2253502 - 06/12/12 03:34 PM Re: Starting to float [Re: needgrace]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Where I Sleep by Emeli Sande I think she's Scottish. It's a love song but I was singing it to myself. (cheesy I know!)

I am bookmarking this page. So true and so so beautiful. Thank you.

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#2253513 - 06/12/12 03:49 PM Re: Starting to float [Re: Brit45]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
incredible what you wrote , grace - and the let go poem -

i don't know what your real name is - but Grace suits you well:)

thanks from me to all of you -

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2253524 - 06/12/12 04:17 PM Re: Starting to float [Re: zig]
Valeska19 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/11
Posts: 1241
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
The Let Go Poem is amazing. It's been hanging on my fridge for over a year now.

We can sit here and speculate why your w is initiating more contact or why she would ask about the payments.

I did that alot in my sitch and I can still be guilty of it now. People told me the same things - she's afraid you will be angry and screw her over. She is projecting on you, she is testing the waters.. etc. etc.

And for the longest time - I focused on trying to figure out the why's instead of just looking at what I knew about our dynamic and what she was telling me.

I knew that my w was a controlling woman and by not being my 'doormat' self was changing the dynamic. And with change there is fear of the unknown.

I knew she was constantly afraid that I would screw her over. Again - I don't know why and it drove me crazy because I have yet to do a vindictive thing to her - but she felt it regardless.

And instead of taking this information and coming up with goals and a gameplan, I would run on my hamster wheel.

I guess my point is that you don't know why your w is doing this she just is.

How do you want to act to it? Who do you want to be here?

And it can be tricky because like I always say " a similar action can be motivated by very different things".

If you want to respond to your w because that is how you treat a stranger - than do it.

If you want to respond to your w because you don't want her to think that you will screw her over - you may want to reconsider...

..and IMO - this is where the hard work on yourself begins. Being honest with your feelings and your fears. Working through the process of discovering the negative things in your marriage and having the courage to change them, regardless of the outcome.

Yes - the email is a small step. But if you make the best decision in all of these small steps, the change in you will be HUGE.

((( )))
_________________________
M(f): 31
XW: 33
M: 5
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.

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#2253541 - 06/12/12 05:08 PM Re: Starting to float [Re: Valeska19]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Quote:
But if you make the best decision in all of these small steps, the change in you will be HUGE.

I think this is something we all need to remember. thank you.

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#2253614 - 06/12/12 10:38 PM Re: Starting to float [Re: Brit45]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1344
Val, you always make me think. smile

I listed out my fears, feelings and goals.

I realized that my top fears are that I will be hurt more and that she will want to be friends. This makes NC a safe place.

But then I realized that my fears are victim fears and give away my power. I have the power to not respond and to choose at any moment what role I give her in my life. She can not be my friend unless I choose it. She can not hurt me unless I allow it by having expectations.

NC is not just a place to hide from fears, it is a place to escape the disorientation of watching the "spinning top" she is right now and to orient myself and find my balance by focusing on me.

I have begun that and am not ready to change my focus..

My goal for my email is to no longer be the victim, no longer be the fixer and to take care of me. For right now, that is short communication to address needed issues that does not extend the conversation.

Any 2x4s?
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2253621 - 06/12/12 10:53 PM Re: Starting to float [Re: needgrace]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
^^No 2x4, that sounds like good stuff. Nice reflections there, NG.

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#2253638 - 06/13/12 01:39 AM Re: Starting to float [Re: vera be fierce]
bustingout Offline
Member

Registered: 05/15/12
Posts: 2552
Very nicely put NG
_________________________
TPS
Me: 43 H: 41
M13 T16
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE' (email)
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors began in 2010)
July '14 H says he ended his affair

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#2253648 - 06/13/12 04:34 AM Re: Starting to float [Re: bustingout]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Quote:
NC is not just a place to hide from fears, it is a place to escape the disorientation of watching the "spinning top" she is right now and to orient myself and find my balance by focusing on me.


It take people a while to learn this. I think in the beginning we see NC as a way to manipulate an outcome. Instead of understanding that it's actually to stop of destructive behaviour and like you say stop looking at them and focusing on us instead.

It's amazing how many places you find yourself playing the victim (i've found) especially when we consider ourselves to be strong independent (why do I always hear Beyonce in my head when I say that) women and yet we see these patterns of handing over power to someone.

You are SO right. You can decide if you want a friendship and what that friendship will look like. I thought the idea of not having H in my life was the end of the world. But I'm understanding now that was based in fear and also what I felt that would say about me. Strangely I'm becoming more okay with more types of outcomes in our sitch.

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#2254169 - 06/14/12 11:35 AM Re: Starting to float [Re: Brit45]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1344
Interesting..

some minor emails over the past few days about finances

and now I find myself feeling more grief

and looking for more contact from her..

is that addiction or what?
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2254175 - 06/14/12 11:59 AM Re: Starting to float [Re: needgrace]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
nope it's normal! It's all about managing expectations and it's why I used to do something crazy after a good interaction because you feel closer.

Like Vera said NC is like a warm cozy blanket. It's safe here when you're out of that you have to take more precautions.

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