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zig #2253368 06/12/12 01:51 PM
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Quote:
to treat and respond to that kind of question the same as coming from a stranger or acquaintance is the key i think.


THIS^^^^^^^ is genius. I want to put it on my phone!

zig #2253372 06/12/12 01:58 PM
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I'm sure Cadet is wise to suggest that you keep your eyes open. But, if it were me and I wasn't seeing the statements, you can bet I'd ask. She's put herself in a precarious position, having to trust someone that's she's done wrong by to do right by her. If you hold some financial cards, I'd expect her to periodically take the temperature to make sure you haven't turned mean and vindictive (which she can see the temptation of).

It's another opportunity to show that you're on a steady path of being an honorable person. I'm finding it helpful to think of all these things as tests. In my last DB coaching session, the coach pointed out how P was "throwing a lot of things at me." "What great opportunities to show how you're handling things."

And from the "Be Still and Know" meditation: "It's an opportunity."


Me - 54
P - 59
Together 5 yrs
She left 4/2012
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you're right stubborn, another key to the correct approach - taking everything that comes into our circle as an opportunity to learn something (pema chodron) not just with our sitches, but to apply in every area of our lives.

hey thanks brit - i don't feel like a genius AT ALL, but heck it feels great to know that someone thinks what i said was genius-y (grin)

stubborn - interesting perspective, and i'm glad i read that - we sometimes forget utterly how vulnerable the WAS may truly be - we are so caught up in what is happening to us. i think it could raise our level of empathy considerably to look at it from that point of view.

and even that is an opportunity to show them -" that in your vulnerable state, as you are, you can trust that i am taking care of things and not hurting you in any way."

wow what a message we give them through that. i never thought about it that way before, but it is one of our biggest opportunities to show them that - when they leave the finances to us.

thanks for that insight

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

zig #2253403 06/12/12 03:04 PM
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Quote:
to make sure you haven't turned mean and vindictive (which she can see the temptation of).
yes that's what I was thinking but didn't say it correctly. Thanks SD. She sees the temptation that Grace would probably never dream of

zig #2253413 06/12/12 03:25 PM
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you all are amazing and so so right.

funny, i got another email this morning about her difficulty getting insurance and wanting me to give my family her love (i am visiting them next week.) her sister must have told her that i was going. not sure why she is reaching out more but i need to stay focused on me and remember zigs words about treating her questions like an acquaintance or stranger

SD, yes, she is in a precarious position bc her credit is in my hands.. and yes, though she knows how honest i am, she also knows what has happened between us, and must wonder how i will that her and this. a good friend of hers in the same situation recently cleared out her X's bank account. plus, i have not been in contact with her so she has no idea where i am at or what i think.. that is so true. thank you.

zig, i love that quote of yours too. i need to write it on my hand! i love how you are dealing with your husband about the bills and will be following your example. thank you.

brit, i have read the four agreements and think it is really insightful of you to apply that here. i do think it is a reflection of her fear. she has not taken care of anything financial in so long, that i think that whole area scares her to no end. her question to me was a reflection of her fear, not anything more.

cadet, i will keep it professional and will continue to take my time and limit my contact bc that is what is best for me.

thank you all for helping me to see her with kind eyes but also maintain my own boundaries. you all are amazing.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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I saw this the other day and decided to post... It seemed appropriate after our discussion

Letting Go
Author unknown

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for,
but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny,
but to accept.

To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes,
and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less,
and love more.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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I love this! everyone who comes here should read this.

I heard a song the other day that said:

I said all of my goodbyes to ego
I gambled all I got, there's no plan B
It's the first time that I've learned to let go
It's the only place I feel, only place I feel like me

And I listened to it a million times. People say let go all the time, but having it really explained above it so good.

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Wow, Brit, who sings that song and what is the name? I would like to add it to my playlist.

I am going to see my family next week and there is a wedding and a graduation and i feel so blessed to be a part of both.

I realized this morning that I am happier now than I have been for several years.

It is not that I had a bad marriage or anything about my W... it was me. I have learned in the past few months to appreciate the moments, to find happiness in the right places. This whole experience has changed me. I have found a new confidence in me, a renewed ability to delight in what there is instead of what is missing, less need to control and more ability to be, less anxiety and a greater ability to sit and be still.

I still have moments in which I am profoundly sad and miss my W and our M. But even those moments have an openness and honesty to them that deepens me.

And you well know that I can still get triggered and lose perspective.. but it is different now and continues to evolve and shift.

You all here have been such a huge part of this for me. When I saw how much you had responded to my simple email question yesterday, I was so touched. Thank you does not seem like enough.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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Hi NG- again, your words are my feelings.

I too feel much more at peace since I have been here. More in control of me rather than trying to control everyone else, their days, their lives, their feelings.

Who knows where this journey will take us, but indeed wherever it is, we will be better for it. And hopefully more ready to love than we ever thought possible.

I already see a difference in my relationships with my friends and children. ( my two close friends have actually been happily surprised which felt really good!) i feel I am able to alleviate the pain of my mother towards my H ( she was very
close to him) and even be stronger for her offering her reassurance.

Anyway, what I want to tell you is that I think you have shown nothing but strength, a strong mind and a pure heart. I wish you love and happiness and that for you too your best friend comes back home.

But I know either way you will be the best NG you can be. And that will not change. We may have tried before to change things we didn't like about ourselves, but somehow this time it finally seems real.

Stay the beautiful grace that you are.

Busting out


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Ps when I was swimming with my kids this afternoon I went on my back and just started to float. I thought of you!! Lol!!


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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