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Hi JKS,

Zig posted some stuff about working through dreams that really helped me. Basically to not look at the people but look at the emotions you felt. Don't worry about what happened but what were the emotions YOU felt in the dream and how could you have helped someone in the dream (or even helped yourself) It really made me realize a pattern I was doing with H. I'm happy to say I've been dream free for a few days now.

Well I had one last night but I can't even remember that! smile

My room and sleeping has been an issue. I even noticed the other day that I have continued sleeping on my side of the bed leaving his empty.

We stopped having a routine about 6 months into our R, because of my job and then just because he likes to stay up late. REALLY late and then is always tired. But acts like a little kid if you say well maybe you should go to bed before 2am ANYWAY!!!!

Today I ordered a new duvet cover/pillow cases set. I also ordered 3 canvas prints of very girly pictures. I'm reclaiming my room. The bed right now still reminds me of him in a way. And when he left I gave him a piece of furniture and took one of his and another we bought but never "connected" with them.

Anyway I am reclaiming my space. I find if I wake up in a bad/space/depressed mood, I'll lay there for 10 mins and instead of thinking about that sadness I do the whole 10 things I'm grateful for. It starts my day right.

I am off to the salon on Friday. I am so excited I haven't had a manicure in MONTHS. Plus I'm getting cut and color done too!

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Amazing how the little things can affect our mood and our outlook on our situation.

Originally Posted By: reachingHigher

I've been having really rough nights lately. Waking up tons of times. I try to stay awake late reading just to avoid the tossing and turning.


This is exactly me. My mom doesn't understand why I stay up so late every night. But it's like, do I want to lye in bed thinking about H or do I want to stay up and read something that makes me feel inspired and forget about him? I'll take the latter. It's my way of coping right now.

Sleeping hasn't been that bad for me lately though. I haven't had bad dreams in a long time. I think what triggered it is that I went to dinner with an old neighbor of mine who's H left her last year out of the blue for another woman and is now married to that woman. (a woman he worked with, mind you)

We talked for hours and hours last night and it just really dug up a lot of emotions that I've been feeling lately. I'm starting to think that talking about it so much isn't as healthy for me as I thought. It's like... I've been over this time and time again. I don't want to focus on this anymore.

That is probably the main reason I've felt so good lately because I haven't really been talking about my situation and when I did, it was brief. But last night was a different story. I mean, we met at 5:30 and didn't leave the restaurant until 11:00. I need to stop doing that.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Brit, I love your idea of creating your own space. Thank heavens I don't live in our old home because it would be that much more painful. But at my mom's the space isn't really my own at all. I did recently have a thought to make some really large prints of my kids from the pictures I just took of them and hang them up in my room for that added "umph!" I know it would help a lot.

When I think about my dream last night, I think it exemplifies my feelings of having no control. H is doing these awful things and hurting me in such horrible ways and I continually have no control no matter how hard I want to fight it. And OW sits on the sidelines so proud of herself for getting everything she wants. I cannot think about this anymore, I will drive myself crazy!!


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Originally Posted By: jks
We talked for hours and hours last night and it just really dug up a lot of emotions that I've been feeling lately. I'm starting to think that talking about it so much isn't as healthy for me as I thought. It's like... I've been over this time and time again. I don't want to focus on this anymore.


I got to that point too, I dreaded starting up with a new MC or IC because I'd have to go back and tell the whole story again and that would leave me feeling badly for days. Initially it's cathartic to get it off your chest if you find a sympathetic ear, but eventually it becomes destructive because it sets you back in your healing process.

Your dream triggered me -- when we started reconciling and W was still getting over her lost love, she kept having dreams where I as the antagonist. She's wake up and tell me about all the bad things I'd done in her dream. That felt good -- I'm so glad we're beyond that now.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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I have had those dreams before. Waking up emotionally drained because it's like you were actually having the awful experience.

I'm sorry jks. But maybe its part of the healing process. Going through it even if its in your dreams. A way to purge some of the ugliness.

Before we left on holiday, unpacked up some leftover clothes of H's put them in a box, and moved some of my dresses to his side of the closet.

I still wakeup missing him, but afte this amount of time its almost a distant memory. Don't know whether that is good or sad.

Regaining space I think is important. I refused to do it since he left. His drawers remain empty his closet empty his side of the bed ready. What I did before leaving was almost not a decision. It's like I just did it without thinking. Maybe it was just time. Its my space now.

Jks, as for talking about it. I agree. Sometimes I just force myself not to talk about it with anyone because I am even sick of hearing my own voice.

This is the forum to do it I think. Because you are unloading on your sisters and brothers in arms. and we will always give our best back to you to keep you up and strong.

Have a good day.

Thinking about you...


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Posts: 623
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It's true, this forum is the greatest place to unload it. I kind of get tired time and time again of explaining to everyone why I'm still married to my H. Everyone thinks I'm insane.

All I can say is, you'll never know until you go through it. And even then, you'll still never know, because you're not ME. I kind of get sick of the advice from everyone because I've already made my decision of what I'm going to do and I know what feels right to me.

Again, this is me being true to myself. And a lot of the time I feel proud of myself and empowered that I've made it this far. But then when I have people telling me that I should just call it quits, it makes me feel like "Do you understand how hard I've been working at this? There is no way I'm calling it quits now. What a waste!"

They don't understand that even though I'm not really in a R with my H, I'm still growing. I'm growing my own independence. And that is all I need right now. Anything that comes later will just be an added bonus.

I continue to like myself more and more. And to understand and realize what I need is the greatest benefit I can learn. I feel like I just had a really great learning experience in these posts this morning. Thanks to all for continued guidance. Yeah!


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Posts: 623
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Originally Posted By: jks
I kind of get sick of the advice from everyone because I've already made my decision of what I'm going to do and I know what feels right to me.


When I say sick of advice from everyone... I mean people in my life who don't understand the DB way. I continue to welcome any advice from anyone here. (just wanted to clarify that, lol!)


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Posts: 1,108
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^^^ yes I know that feeling. I find telling people I'm concentrating on me and my S. then change the subject and say how are you or whatever it moves it on

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I should give you a standing ovation for the maturity and strength you showed in your decision. I would be wary of such a guy - this friend of yours who encourages you to leave your husband and thinks you will find someone soon enough. Let those who have been through it tell you of how lonely it can get and how you regret every day of your decision to separate. It is always better to stay with your spouse if you can. I wish you the best. I really admire you.

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Just echoing but yes. Only two of my friends and my mom support what I am doing. Others are just like 'screw him'

My heart is with u all


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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