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Ha. Thanks. I guess getting out of quicksand is like DB'ing - stay still, remain calm.

As for the house, I realized last night that it is a trigger for me because I was raised having internalized that I should never need to depend on anyone else for anything (rah rah independent woman...). Now I'm in a position where I'm not exactly self-sufficient because I can't afford the house on my own. My income was different when we bought it. If I were still making what I was then, it wouldn't be an issue - I'd refi in my name and kick him out. Now... I can't do that. It's a little bit of shame that I put myself in this position (with the house). Dealing...

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Everyone's lifestyle changes when there is a split. Even if you're a millionaire!

My mom was one of those don't ever depend on anyone person too....she's alone. So not sure if that's the best school of thought.

I'm in a position where I'm trying to decide do I stay in this house that's expensive on one income or move. It doesn't mean we're still not self sufficient in fact because we are making these choices we're choosing to stand on our own feet. Making the best decision rather than get in over our heads. I know you'll make the right decision. It's hard when you're emotionally attached to something. I know that feeling. We choose to sell. I don't think either of us could think of the other having it without them.

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Brit, I'm loving your feedback on this thread. Thank you for your perspective. It's very helpful.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Brit - you're right. I know the attitude isn't great. It's just a mindset that I've been trying to work through. I think H struggled with that a bit once I regained my health because perhaps he didn't feel as "needed" anymore (codependent!). We talked about it in MC, particularly with respect to me having a hard time being open to being comforted emotionally in difficult situations.

Part of me wonders if the house is really a barrier to R with H because it was a big stressor for me, especially maintaining it while he was gone traveling for work so much. I was really overwhelmed at times and I'm sure it came through in how I dealt with him. When I say it's a barrier - maybe part of him thinks that I could never be happy and still be in the house and since we are still in the house we could never have a happy R/M. Mindreading, yeah. But I never made that possible connection until this morning.

In reality I could possibly take over the house payments but I wouldn't have any money left for anything else. Where's the fun in that?? I love to travel!

I've decided a new morning mantra will be - how am I improving myself today? And meditate on that for a little bit. Today I am working on travel arrangements for a trip home to see family. I'd not done the greatest job keeping up with family in the past. Last year, I really started working on that and I'm doing that better now.

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Is getting roommate to help cover the mortgage something you would consider?

I was always so proud that I could take care of myself. I am learning now that while being self sufficient is important asking for help is a big part of taking care of me.

My mother also never asked for help. While we were growing up she had a full time job and a H/my father who was not interested in participating at home. My mother did everything herself, laundry, house keeping, helping with homework, grocery shopping, garbage, lightbulbs, EVERYTHING! And we heard all about it. Meanwhile we did have the means for her to pay someone to clean the house. She could have reduced her hours. Her MIL was willing to come to our house to babysit and help her. None of those options worked for her. The only option for her was to take care of everyone and everything and be miserable

Though this crisis I have been blessed to learn that I can take care of everything, only God can.


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Whoops - i meant I CANT Take care of everything


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Quote:
And we heard all about it.

HA! Hey I know that lady! Well my mom was the same way!

It is true that when I mention to friends I'm always really surprised about how much they want to help and be there for me. And sometimes maybe because of our upbringing we find it hard to accept the help.

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Re: Roommate... I thought about it but I don't know that the house is set up for it well enough. My bedroom door doesn't have a lock and it wouldn't be easy to put one on. The guest room does have its own full bath but it's on the top floor of the house and it gets really, really HOT up there in the summer (even with the ceiling fan on -- old house). Trying to find someone on craigslist seems . . . really scary. smile Plus, being a landlord and having to deal with maintenance alone - that would be a real shift for me! I will think about it, though... I should figure out the monthly payments on everything and see how I could break it down, even for a split that's not 50/50.

I'm a classic only child. I have a hard time letting people touch my "stuff." With H it wasn't as much of an issue because it was "our stuff."

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Originally Posted By: Brit45
It is true that when I mention to friends I'm always really surprised about how much they want to help and be there for me. And sometimes maybe because of our upbringing we find it hard to accept the help.


^^ I think this sums it up. I don't think my parents were unhelpful, per se. But I get what you are saying, exactly.

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Well Brit, based on the brief convo I just had with H, I think your assessment was spot-on.

I got home not too long ago. H was already in the kitchen making his dinner. I came in and started unloading my lunch dishes.

After exchanging initial pleasantries he stopped and said, "You know, I had a really nice time [out with me] on Sunday. I hope we can [something about do stuff like that/be friends like that."

I was really, really caught off guard by that. I ended up saying "I guess time will tell." <<--seriously, what is that??

After that he made some more small talk about his work laptop not functioning properly and said that my dinner (leftovers from last night) smelled really good. He also said that he was planning on going to the gym later (I am too but I didn't mention it) and asked if I'd picked up something from the grocery store that I'd used up the other day. I didn't (wasn't on my list, I'm not buying things for "us").

I took my dinner in my bedroom again. As I was walking out of the kitchen, he said (with the slightest hint of irritation) "You know, you can eat in here." I just said "I'm good, thanks!" and went up stairs.

So...

tomorrow is the last even that we're doing together (concert with mutual friends). Not going is not an option. We have reserved seats so I can't sit somewhere else (the seats are really, really good and I'm not giving up my place).

He sent me two emails this morning, both of which I ignored.

I need to pull way, way, way waywaywayway back, I guess. Cheryl!! I am exercising patience but Monday is a long ways away!!

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